Tuesday, February 23, 2010

On my own

So here I am again, happy to report that I put in two applications for jobs today. My outlook on this situation has changed thanks to the advice of my best friend. I've had to really look at the reasons I had for wanting the plan I had made, and for my thoughts and actions following certain patterns lately. I just want freedom, the freedom to be by myself, to live by my own, without anyone to "answer" to.

All my life I have been living with someone else, never by myself. Always had to answer to someone for where I was going, what I was buying, how to decorate, what to eat. Hell it's been so bad that I didn't know where I ended and these other people began. As far as the shrew is concerned, I have even used the term "filter" when describing having to put everything through her first, even in my own mind, and I am so done with it. I want to plan my day around what I want to do, and not have to worry or think about what anyone else wants. And not care what anyone thinks of it.

Sound selfish? Maybe so, but I want it, and I'm going to get it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Intent to work, or not?

Today was a pretty normal day in my world. Shrew going nuts over something minor, me going nuts right back at her, pretty standard stuff.

Today I decided to get my mind in the right place concerning my responsibilities. I've been pretty lax in my attempts to get a job, I mean it's been over a year, and my heart has really not been in it. I just read a post by Ryan over at old man sutton about intent, and the major problem I have had in getting a job is the actual intent to get one, it's just not really been there. So of course I have not gotten one. His post really made me think about how I have been all this time, I mean read my posts back and you'll see that I do a lot of talking, but not a lot of acting. Frankly I'm getting tired of it, so I'm sure a lot of you must be too. Yap yap yap, always talking, but nothing's changing.

That stops tonight. And if my intent does not change, or even if it does, but there are no changes, I'm not going to do any more talking about it. Maybe I'll turn my blog into a discussion of the latest movies, who knows, but I am no longer going to go on and on about my life in it's current stag-native state.

Speaking of movies, I've heard "Avatar" is amazing, any thoughts?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The day that will live in infamy

Ten days. Ten days since I posted. Seems to be a trend for me. Always trends, or ruts that I'm in. And not the good rut, like a deer will get in, at for them least there is an end to it, and in that end the deer gets laid, if he's lucky.

Today is, well was, Valentine's day, as everyone knows, and of course there is lots of love floating around. There was lots of love in the air on that fateful day 18 years ago too, the day I met the shrew. She knew a friend of mine, and at the time he was engaged to her mother, so he invited me to go to her house and meet her and her mother. He and I were stationed at a nearby naval base, and were just able to go down and visit on weekends. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I met her, found her to be reasonably interesting, pretty cute, but I didn't see stars around her or hear the hallelujah chorus or anything. Later on in the day was when things "picked up". All she did was take an interest in making me feel at home, pretty innocent stuff. She showed me photo albums, that was it, laying across her bed, but somehow that stirred something in me, and I "fell in love". Of course looking back on it, I know it was not true love, only infatuation, and for no other reason other than that she gave me attention, something I was craving badly.

Fast forward 18 years and three kids later, and we find us on the verge of divorce. And only because I grew up, figured out I didn't actually "love" her, and decided to have my own opinion. But since she thought that I was the type to give in all the time, she still expects it, and I won't do it, we are never going to be the same. Completely my fault though. She's no different than before, still the same controlling personality, but who's to say that's a bad thing? I can't judge her, I'm not any better of a person, and she's not "bad" per se. She's a great mom, and I'm sure for someone out there, she's a great match. That someone is just not me.

Anyway, today has just not been a day of love for me, so I think I will stop before I ruin it for everyone else. I hope you have all had a wonderful day, and will talk to you soon!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

More busy-ness

I have no idea what has gotten into me, other than a severe case of lack of onlineness. I haven't posted hardly at all in the last two or three weeks, and I haven't felt like it. I seriously don't know why. Ever since my daughter's surgery and the shrew's wreck, my life has turned into one thing to do right after the next, with little time to be online till late, and then when I DO get here, I guess I'm just too tired to start writing.

Take today for example. I have been up since 7 in the morning, yeah, yesterday now, and got a lot done away from the computer. I have to say too, and this is strange coming from me, but I actually liked it. Feels good to get away from the virtual world for a while, and get busy in the real one. Oh and did I mention, part of the cause of all this is that our tax money came in, so we are doing all the stuff we can't do the rest of the year due to lack of money. Problem is, I have still had no significant progress towards getting a job. I am a little pissed off about that, as that was my intent when I more or less "signed off" a few weeks ago. I'm sure there's a reason for all this busy-ness, but still, I would like for things to be a little more "normal" so I can go about looking, rather than taking care of these constant distracting chores that need doing, kids that need rides, and bills that need paying, and, and, and, and.........

I feel this time of abnormality coming to a close soon, and maybe then I can do what I REALLY want to do.

Until then, ttfn!