Thursday, February 24, 2011

Be careful what you wish might not be happy with it.....but not for the reasons you think....

I've been incognito for exactly a month and two days, basically because I either didn't have the desire to write, or I didn't have anything to write...about. I've seen a lot of people here on the blogs, on Facebook, and at work going through some really tough times in the last month, but most notably someone very close to me, and it's affected me in ways I could not have imagined, let alone expect, although, my life has changed too, albeit in a different way, in the same span of time. My outlook on life has irrevocably changed.

Things at work have been moving towards the goal I set out for myself, to become a full time stocker, rather than doing maintenance, as a matter of fact, I've been moving freight more and more often, while still not being put in a permanent position doing so. I got word last week however, that this Sunday, February 26th, a person will be transferring from another store into maintenance, and when that happens, I will be given the position of stocking frozen/dairy. Then, the man who usually stocks the pet department (the one I usually do when he had his days off) suddenly quit, so I'm not sure if I will be doing his job, or still be put in frozen/dairy. Either way, I'm fairly certain now that I WILL be a full time stocker, but I find that I'm not as happy about it as I thought I would be. It's weird, I WANT to be a stocker, much more than being a maintenance guy, but for some reason I thought I would be ecstatic or something, like I had been given the biggest promotion ever. But I don't feel that way at all. The responsibility of making sure the freight is put up in the time allotted is beginning to take its toll, but even then it's not that. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm just not as happy as I imagined I would be. I had all the anticipation, I was excited, something NEW to reach for, and now that I'm on the verge of achieving it, for some reason I feel let down. I wish I knew why. Maybe I figured it would happen faster, or that I'd get the choice of what department I would be in. Truth be told, frozen/dairy was not my first choice, but I really don't have a preference, so I don't think that's it either. Everything has been going my way, the management has been working to help me get to where I want to be, I've been doing what I wanted, running the freight, so why am I not as happy as I thought?

I think in one sense it's the fact that this goal was not as difficult to achieve as I had first thought. I guess I saw it as some sort of position of prestige, something "better", and something not easily achieved, but it turns out it's just a regular job like everything else, and I guess that means it's not something to get all that excited about.......but I'm not sure that's it either.....

In other news, I did my taxes with the ex, and got a good portion of the money I had hoped to get, and got myself the two things I have wanted most for as long as I can remember. A TV, and a Playstation 3. But now that I have them, I find they don't make me as happy as I thought they would. Now don't get me wrong, I am very happy to have them, since now I can watch Nascar for the first time in over a year. But it's not how I had hoped, I don't have a DVR box, so most of the channels I wanted to see don't get tuned in by the TV itself. But other than that, it's amazing to finally have the ability to watch what I CAN watch, whenever I want. And the Playstation? Wow, more than I could have hoped for, the games I got were Gran Turismo 5, and Call of Duty: Black Ops, as well as the game "Sports Champions", which came with the system. It's the top of the line 320 gigabyte model, with the "Move" system, which is really fun.

But what bums me out is how I am enjoying good things like this going on in my life when there are people I know and love struggling with things in their lives, and I cannot be there with them. I go to work, and come home, and sure, I interact with people at work, and some I even see outside of work, occasionally, but for the most part I am here alone. Even though I know the ones I love are aware of how much I care, and know that I am doing all I can, those I care about the most live too far away for me to be with them, in person. Having no ability to interact in the flesh with those that mean the most to me is something I have always felt badly about, but lately, it's all I think about. I feel guilty that I haven't been able to really BE there for them in their time of need, or, to just BE there period. Being so far away sucks, and I have been feeling like I'm not doing enough. I feel like I haven't shown how much I care, how much I want to do for them, and to be able to actually DO things for and with them because I am really THERE. There's an emptiness in me, and I don't know what to do to fill it. I want so bad to be able to get in the car and go to them, to be with them in the flesh, and I can't, and it hurts. Then I feel even more guilty for doing what amounts to feeling sorry for myself, and I feel even worse. This is not what I SHOULD be feeling, I know this, but regardless the feelings are there. All these good things are happening in MY life, and I should be happy, but I'm not, because I can't be there for those that are struggling. I don't know what to do.

Maybe all this time I have been going after the wrong goals, because what I really want is to be able to get myself out of here, to move away from this state, to be with those I care about most. I'm happy with what has happened for me, my life is going well, but I want to be able to share it with real people, in the flesh, and be with them, for real, this long distance stuff just isn't enough anymore. My outlook has changed, my life has changed, and I'm more fired up than ever to make my one true goal a reality. I'm sure I will be able to accomplish it. The path my life has taken so far has gotten me further than I ever dreamed it would, and maybe it's NOT going to take me where I "want", but I do know that I have choices, I can choose which direction I take. I know I will encounter obstacles, but if I am true to myself, to my ultimate goal, then I am confident I can create the circumstances to make it happen.

Unless of course the universe has other ideas; in which case I will be given signs to that end, and while I may not like it, I will follow the signs, and follow the course my life is meant to take. I truly believe however that I can create my own life, and make it what I wish it to be, to some extent, and that is what I intend to do. I don't have any idea what will happen tomorrow, or next week, and so I live day by day, and try to shape my life into what I feel is right for me, and this feels right.