Saturday, February 25, 2012

The new look, of my blog, and my life

Hello folks, and welcome to the new look of my blog. Bella made some changes on her blog, including changing the title to Tales of the Wolf Queen, and during our discussion of the template and layout changes she was making, I decided to try Blogger's template designer out for myself, and these are the results. Now all I need do is to change the blog button, and it will all be up to snuff.

I never mentioned in my last post that one of the major changes in my perspective had to do with the fact that I moved out of Bella's house. I found an ad in the paper to rent a room, and I called, went and saw the place, and ended up moving in the very next day. The lady that owns the house is renting two of the bedrooms, as she lives alone and has a double wide trailer with 3 bedrooms, and needs the extra income. It's a nice place, and it's not too far away from work. I only have to drive 4 miles further to go to work.

The one thing that is different about the conditions I'm living in now is that I am, for the first time in my life (other than when I was in the military), I am living with total strangers. In the military it's different, because you're all on the same schedule, you're all doing pretty much the same thing every day, but in the civilian world, it's a completely different thing. I do have all the privacy I want, and even though my schedule is opposite to both of my roommates, everything is working out well.

At work things are a little different as well. Several times over the last couple of weeks I have been assigned an area of the store outside of the dairy department, which I am very pleased about. Not only does it give me a much needed change of pace, but it also gives me the opportunity to learn those areas of the store and make me a better stocker overall. Before I started working at this particular store, I had never stocked a grocery aisle, but now, I've done 3 of them. Now the only areas of the store I've never touched are softlines (apparel), health and beauty aids, and pharmacy. I've also found that I've adjusted to the faster pace of the work at this store a lot better, and I'm getting the stocking done within a reasonable amount of time, closer to the time allotted, and the management seems to be pleased with my work.

For the first 3 weeks after I moved, I did not have internet access, and time seemed to really slow down. I had a lot of time to think about the next phase of my life, and what direction I wanted to go. I can't work where I'm at for the rest of my life, and I don't want to. I can't afford to live comfortably with the salary I earn there, and I'd really like to do something different. Stocking shelves is fine, it does have a certain amount of a sense of accomplishment involved, but it's not my passion, the thing I like to do most. So I thought about it, and thought about it, and I asked myself what it was that I would like to do for the rest of my life. And the answer was that I want to work on computers, the hardware stuff, and especially, to repair laptops. Ideally I'd like to open my own business, but, as always, it's money that gets in the way. I know I will never be completely happy doing what I'm doing however if I don't at least try, so somehow, some way, I will find a way to do it. It may take years to get there, and a lot of hard work, but I'd really like to see it happen.

It looks as though that's all my life is about right now, going to work, and trying to survive. I did find out I will be able to see my kids at the end of next month, and the ex and I are starting to get along better, so that's good. I am hoping at some point they will have the opportunity to move down here, nearer to me, so I will be able to see them on a more regular basis, and so I can be a part of their lives again.

Another thing I've been kicking around in my head is finding something to do outside of the house. I go to work, I come home, and then I'm either online, or watching movies, I eat, I shower, I sleep. But that's it. Part of that has to do with the fact that I rarely have "extra" money, so I CAN'T go out and do anything, but even then, there are lots of things to do that don't cost money if one is so diligent to go out and find them. I like to use the excuse that I don't have the gas to go out and do anything, but if I planned it properly, then I'd find a way, it's not a valid excuse. Then again, I am a bit of a hermit, I LIKE to stay home, but once you get me out, I'm fine with that too. One way or the other I need to get out. I need to meet new people, get involved in something. I might be alive, but I certainly don't have a "life".

Better start working on getting one of those......I'm not getting any younger.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

New perspectives

I've been away for a while, but now, I'm back. My perspective has changed, more than any of you realize, so this is now going to be a very different blog. Those few who have the privilege of being close to me understand what has gone on in the last few months, and specifically what has happened in the last 3 weeks, which has changed me in such a fundamental way, and I doubt I will ever be what I was before. That's how deep this goes.

I have always posted about my feelings, and my innermost thoughts, and I will still do that, but that's the thing that has changed the most. I'm not able to explain how that is possible, and to be honest, I don't really care, but the fact is, I am not the man I used to be. Is that "better"? Who knows. Is it worse? I don't know that either. What I do know is that who I am now is the person I was supposed to be all along, without all the drippy emotional parts of me that were doing nothing more than dragging me down into some imaginary abyss of despair that, in reality, doesn't really exist.

I don't even wish I could tell you what it's like to finally to be free of that. None of it matters. It was all inside my own head, and even if some of you could relate to it, there is nothing in my mind that tells me you could say you had in any way, shape, or form, experienced the same thing as me. It was so overwhelming, so life encompassing, that there's no way most of you could have ever functioned as a human being had you felt the same as I did.

Having said that, and hoping you are all still reading lol, I will say this. I will still be posting my thoughts, and "feelings", as they are, but it will not be the same. Life changes, and this just happens to be one of the major changes to happen in this, my life, this lifetime. This change just means that my posts will not have the same "flavor", or feeling they once did. It may seem I am being distant, or even non feeling, but that is natural with this. I am not going to apologize for it, nor am I going to say that I feel any particular way about it, because truthfully, I don't. This is my blog, and I'll write the way I want. End of story.

And now we return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.