Fate grabs me by the arm, and yanks....

Hi folks, I hope you're having a good day so far!

Well it seems that fate has intervened again, and things in my life are changing as they always do.

I've been working my third shift job now for almost 8 months, and it's been almost 9 months since I moved out, but overall my life hasn't changed all that much from what it had been before. What I mean by that is what my life was like while I'm not at work, what I do with my time, as well as what plans I had for the future, what goals I set for myself.

I've been here doing pretty much a whole lot of nothing except being on the computer, more or less hiding out from the world. Since I do have a third shift job, some of the time during the day of course I spend sleeping. I've gone from sleeping from the time I get home from work (at 730 AM) till about 3 in the afternoon, to waiting till 3 or 4 in the afternoon to go to bed, and then getting up right before I have to go to work. Now I've decided that neither of these is working for me, so I'm going to try sleeping from about 11 or 12 till about 6, so I have a few hours on either end of my sleep to get things done and get ready for my "day".

The reasons for this are twofold. First, my roommates have been waking me up at night when it's time, because I asked them to, and while they haven't said it, I know they are getting tired of doing it. So I want to change my schedule to make it where they no longer need to do it. I have always had a problem with oversleeping, mostly due to the fact that I don't go to bed with enough time to get the amount of sleep I require, so a change is in order. That's the second thing. I've gotten up late several times now, even with them coming to wake me, and I have been late for work, and I don't want that to happen anymore. And last night, my roommates were already outside moving their cars out so I could leave (the driveway is only one car wide and so we park our vehicles in a line) and I was running late, and a comment was made that I needed to start getting up when they wake me, or something to that effect. My response was simply "I've got a plan for that", to which my roommate said "You don't have to have an attitude". I guess she thought I was upset or something about her and her boyfriend waking me, but I was referring to the fact that I had decided to change my sleep schedule. Now of course since I was running late we could not continue the conversation, but suffice it to say that I will not have them waking me up anymore. Having that happen was a literal "wake up call" to me that making the decision to sleep at a different time was the right thing to do.

Things have changed on the computer front as well. I've not been interested as much as I used to be in playing on Facebook, the games are not as appealing as they once were. I chat a lot with my best friend, and things have changed with her schedule as well which will make sleeping at this new time make even more sense.

I feel like that since I left my wife, I've had these 9 months to adjust, to get comfortable with being alone, but now fate is pushing me to get out and do something with this new life, to get on with living. I've alluded to this in earlier posts, how my mindset is changing, about how my internal thought processes have really taken a turn, so I won't go into any of that here.

What I will say is that recently I've found I have more questions than answers. What am I supposed to be doing? Where should I go? I can't stay here, my friends would love to have their house back all to themselves. Besides, I can't even cook here, the lady of the house is very particular about her kitchen staying the way she wants it to be, so she'd rather I didn't go in there and cook anything. I've been eating mostly ready made food and sandwiches and so forth ever since I've been here, and I'm tired of eating like that. I'm tired of only having one room to be in, having access to a bathroom with no shower, only a tub. Sure I have the internet, there's never a shortage of things to do or see or read, but like I said earlier it's lost it's appeal. But therein lies my next problem. I want to be more communicative, talk with some of my pagan friends I've met online, chat with them, connect with people. But how do I do that if I'm not on the computer? I know there is so much ahead of me, so much opportunity to grow, to expand my knowledge, and to make great friends, so what's stopping me? I wish I had an answer to that one.

I had a dream a few nights ago, and in it there was a person I hardly know, someone at work. I don't know why I feel this way, but I got the feeling from that dream that this person was someone I needed to or will make more contact with in the future, she seems to be someone of some importance for my life. At least that's the feeling I got. She doesn't work third shift even, which is why I hardly know her, but if the dream means anything, then I suppose at some point I will know her very intimately. It could have been just a dream, and mean nothing. But, I've noticed lately that there are not many times that I remember my dreams when I wake up. When I do, it seems that they deal with something important going on in my life, or even future events, I have many deja vu moments stemming from dreams I've had. So right now I'm not sure what to make of it. I'll just have to see how events unfold.

There is something else that has made a mad dash to the front of my mind, and that's related to doing things as well. That's the reason I've written this post, I've had this itch, this feeling of "I need to go, and do, so so bad". I've found myself looking at things to do, like hunting for instance, the possibilities of living off the land, as opposed to always going to the local Walmart or grocery store to find everything to make life possible. There was a time not long ago even when you could not have paid me to go hunting, there was just not a thought in my head to even entertain the thought, let alone thinking of buying the gear and going and doing it. Other things are coming to mind as well, like the thought of having my own place, living freely and truly ALONE, by myself. I've never done that, and now I want it so bad I can almost taste it. The absolute freedom to do and go and be what I want to, the allure is overpowering. I want to cook my own food, own my own gun(s), so I can go out and hunt for that food if I choose to, I want to make things, build things, I want a chicken coop. I want to plow my own land, I want my own house with acres of property to grow things, I want to eat my own home grown vegetables. I want to work with my hands, I want to be active, I want to create things, I don't want to be a couch potato anymore. Well, I guess I'm not exactly a "couch potato", maybe I'm just a "computer chair cucumber" or something, but either way I want more out of life, I want to be independent, and I want to be able to go to bed at night, or during the day as it happens for me, knowing that I'm tired and worn out from doing good things for my life, for the environment, and for the earth. Work, do, and keep doing, that's what I want. I want to feel the thrill of accomplishment when I harvest my first crop, collect my first eggs, and with it feel my connection with Mother Earth in the way it was intended to be felt, with me as part of her, not just living "on" her.

May she grant me this wish soon, the goddess of fate, I'm ready to get started.

Getting on with my life....

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post, and I've come to the conclusion that it's time to move forward, time to do something.

I want to get rolling on getting a divorce, I want to get out of where I'm living, I want to live my life as I see fit. This thing I'm doing right now is not living, it's sitting, settling, waiting, but waiting for what? Nothing is going to happen if i just sit here, going to work every night, and then sitting on the computer all day when I get home. It's been almost 8 months since I left her, what am I doing waiting for something to happen?

I have no answer to that question.

It's time I faced facts, and realized that I've only been sitting here because I'm afraid to go out and make a life of my own. I've never been on my own before, so yeah, it's understandable that I'd be nervous, unsure, but avoiding the problem has not made it go away, there it still sits, just waiting for me to do something about it. I wait, it waits, and nothing is accomplished.

The thing is, something has been nagging at me. There has been this sort of "vision" I've had in my mind for a very long time now, and by very long time I mean YEARS, and it's a sense that there are great things in store for me, lots of happiness and success, and what I perceive as a gratification I've never felt in all of my life, of  using my talents and gifts in the way they were intended. I feel the need to give of myself to others, help them, teach them. It's kinda like the feeling of "this is what I was born to do". I really can't explain it other than to say it like that, because the feeling is one of such immense joy at seeing other people successful and happy,  doing whatever it is I am helping them to do. I honestly don't know what it all means, but now is the time to start finding out.

To that end, I am going to enlist the help of a lawyer, and discuss with him or her my options for a divorce. I have already spoken to one, several weeks ago, but I got the distinct impression that he did not have my best interests at heart, and I feel that my attorney should be thinking of my interests, and not just spout out the law and tell me how things are going to happen. Of course there is going to be a major expense involved, but I have a feeling that once I get the ball rolling that the universe will provide me the means to accomplish what I set out to do, because when I align my vibes and energy with the task of living my life the way it is intended to be, things will  fall into place, I truly believe that.

One thing that I have found out about myself is that I will find every excuse to focus on everything BUT what is important in my life, or rather, what is important to continue LIVING my life. Most of the time I'm just existing. The only reason I could come up with for making these excuses is that I'm too afraid of the unknown to get off my ass and get started. Take right now for instance, here I am talking about it, talk, talk, talk, that's all I do, "oh, I sooo bad want to get a divorce, oh, I want to start my own computer repair business, oh, I want to teach people how easy it is to fix a car", and so on and so on. I give myself every excuse in the book as to why I haven't done any of these things yet, but the only REAL excuse for no progress being made is ME, I haven't done a thing to make anything happen, so of course nothing HAS happened.

Anyway I have made a deal with myself. I have told myself that I have until the end of the year to have some progress made on my goals, and, that I will each day, if the opportunity is available, do something that will help to accomplish them. Sitting here talking about them is not making them happen.

I have given serious consideration to getting a second job, as the one I have now is not bringing in an adequate amount of money. So one of the first things I am doing when I finish this post is to look online for job opportunities. One thing that having a second job and more income will help to accomplish is for me to get a house or apartment of my own to rent, as well as provide me with the added income I need to buy a newer vehicle than the "beater" I'm driving now.

After/during my job search, I am going to be perusing the local phone book and making phone calls to various lawyers to arrange for a consultation. Then, once the consultations have been made, and attended, I will choose the attorney I feel is right for me and begin the procedures to obtain a divorce as per his or her advice.

If it seems there are obstacles blocking me from doing something, I will not give up, and sit again on my laurels, I will find another way to do what I feel I need to do.

This I promise myself, this I command of myself. I will remain steadfast, and have courage.

I will get on with my life.