Hello and good morning folks, how's your day going?
Yesterday was a busy day for me. The date went well, at least I think it did. We walked around the mall a little, talked, and then went to this store she liked that I can only describe as the craftiest craft store on the planet. This place had everything you can possibly imagine for any type of craft you might want to do. She had been there before, so she knew exactly what she was looking for, and found it. Soap making kits. I have only seen those in one other craft store I have been to, so I'd say that means that this store had everything. Wood working stuff, felt, fabric, I mean everything. So that was fun, to just wander around looking at what they had. Then, we went to see "The Thing", at the movie theater across the street from the craft store. It was a good movie, and the special effects were very good. I always love a movie with good special effects, no matter what the movie is about.
Anyway, after the movie she had to go home, so I took her home and met her family. I met her parents, her brother, and not only her children, but her sister and her brother's kids too. She lives close to an hour away from where I do, so the drive home was pretty long, and I had time to do some thinking.
For the first time in my life, I really feel like I am alone. Not in a bad way, I mean being on my own. I have the freedom to do whatever I wish, and for someone who has not had that, ever, it's a pretty sobering thought. I knew when I got down here that it would be a new life, but I didn't envision it like THIS. No one tells me I HAVE to do certain things at certain times, no one argues with me, no one is constantly in my face telling me I have to think a certain way, or do things a certain way. But there's more to it than that, and this is the part that I did not foresee.
I myself have changed. In Tennessee, I was living with friends, just as I am now. But up there, it just seemed like I didn't have the freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, and I realize now it was because of the way I approached it. I could have gone out and done lots of things, but I didn't. I still had the shrew in mind, what she would think of whatever it was I was doing, and I was afraid of her coming and doing something to me. She only lived an hour down the road, making it seem like she was next door or something, at least in my mind. Now however, I feel like I have broken away, and even though I am still living with friends, I realize now what it means to be on my own. You can be living with someone and still be on your own. They have their own things to do, their own daily schedule, which has nothing to do with me, nor is it affected by anything I do. I truly have the freedom to do whatever I wish, as long as it does NOT impinge on something that they want to do. Which is pretty easy to accomplish.
Bella has made me feel more at home here than I have felt most anywhere else I have ever lived. But at the same time, she has shown me what it means to have total control over my own life, and it's nice. A little strange for someone who has not had it in ANY of the 40 years I've been alive. I am really looking forward to having my own place now, for as sad as it sounds, most of my life I was deathly afraid of being "alone", and it stopped me from doing everything required to become independent.
Being alone is not what I thought. I thought it meant not having anyone that cared about me, not having anyone to come home to. But it's not. It means having your own agenda, your own desires and feelings, and being your own person, separate from everyone else. It's a mental thought process like anything else. You can get wrapped up in emotions, and think things are about who cares about you and who doesn't, but in reality, none of that matters if you are your own person. There's nothing wrong with not having anyone to call "your own", that one person who cares about YOU more than anyone else in their lives. It's ok to be alone, because in truth, every single one of us IS alone, we are all unique individuals, and no one else perceives things like we do.
If you've read any of my earlier posts, you can see that even though I left her close to 2 years ago, and I was not dealing with her directly, I still had the same thought process, the one that says I HAVE to have someone else's approval, I HAVE to have that person who cares about me, or I am "alone". I thought more with her "brain" than I thought with mine. What I didn't see was that it was much more than just thinking with her brain. It was an emotional thing, wanting to have someone that cared about me and only me, and I was willing to put up with all kinds of torture just to have that feeling. The emotional thinking makes being alone feel like you're on an island by yourself, with no one that cares, and the fear of that happening takes away all of your individuality. But being alone is a natural thing, not emotional, everyone IS their own island, and it's not a bad thing at all.
A lifetime of emotional thinking takes a while to retrain. It's happening slowly, but I think yesterday I took a big step in the right direction.
Showing posts with label my thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sharing......continued
I've still been doing a lot of thinking about sharing. Thinking about what I share, and about what others are willing to share with me. I've come up with an idea.
Sharing personal thoughts and problems has a lot to do with trust. If you don't trust the person you are sharing with, then you will not share personal things with them. You may not even speak to them at all. Or, if you do, you will only tell them about things that might be considered "small talk", or just share things that are obvious "here's what's happening with my day" type things. You might only give them information on what music you are listening to, what you're having for dinner, or how your kid or spouse is being annoying and a royal pain in the butt. But you won't share anything with any "meaning" to it. The things that are really on your mind. Big things. You know, problems you are having, personal feelings about something, or even a major issue going on in your life.
What I've noticed is that the reason people will not share things with someone they supposedly call a friend is that they feel they will not like the reaction they will receive. In other words, if they share a particular problem, and they know the person they are talking to will respond with a long, drawn out, emotionally charged response, they are not likely to share anything at all. Or it may be that the reaction they expect they will receive will be a negative one, one of those "get over it, stop whining, put on your grown up underwear and get on with your life" type responses. But, on the same token, they will still remain friends with that person because that person may be the type to share their most personal, deepest, darkest secrets all the time. Who doesn't like to know someone's deepest secrets, and to feel they are the ONLY one that knows them?
This is why I am convinced that I share way too much information. I have friends that would rather go tell a complete stranger about a problem they're having than come to me with it. I do all the sharing, I tell them everything, but most of the time, I get nothing shared with me. Nothing important anyway. I am beginning to get the feeling that most of my friends are only friends with me because they like to hear about my "dirt". I think others are worried that I am so "fragile" or depressed that they only feel sorry for me, and fear that if they don't remain my friend, that I will go off the deep end and kill myself or something. That could not be further from the truth, but that DOES seem to be the way some of them feel. And all because I share WAY too much.
Another indication of trust and true friendship is communication. If you truly want to talk to someone, what do you do? You email them, you are available to chat, you may even text them or call them on the phone. When you care about someone, and what they are doing, you communicate with them, often. I find this is not the case in my own life. No one emails, no one texts, or calls, and very few are available to chat on the internet. I have come to the conclusion then that there is a fundamental problem, and the problem is ME. No one WANTS to email me, and they could not care less about texting me or calling, they don't WANT to talk to me. They don't WANT to share things with me, because they don't truly trust me.
I could even take this a step further, and say that here, on my blog, no one wants to speak to me either. I write, people read, but no one says a word. I even ASK for comments, and get nothing. I'm not saying I'm the only one with this problem though, lots of bloggers have the same issue, and it's for the same reason. People want to hear and read about the "dirt", they want to know about all the really "secret" stuff. But it seems you can't expect them to share THEIR "dirt" with you the same way you share YOURS.
When you share, you are judged, plain and simple. People get an idea in their minds as to the kind of person they think you are, and for those like me who share a lot, that idea is not always a good one. In other words, if you are a "sharer", then the idea people get in their heads is that you will ALWAYS share what's in your head, and share it with anyone you come in contact with. What this means is that in their minds, regardless of whether or not it's true, you cannot keep a secret. So, they will therefore not tell you anything that they consider to be private, for fear that other people will find out. They won't tell you that to your face, but that's the reality of it. They simply don't trust you. The really sad part about that however, at least in MY case, is that while I share my personal feelings and problems with many people, I NEVER share anyone else's problems and feelings that are shared with me. When someone shares information with me of a personal nature, that information stays with ME, and is not shared with anyone else. Anyone surprised?
Don't judge a person by how much they share. Just because they are willing to air their own dirty laundry does not mean they will air YOURS. Be a true friend, communicate, tell the "sharers" what is really going on in your life. Don't let the communication be a one way street. Those of us that share a lot would like nothing more than to feel like we can be shared with too. We are not untrustworthy. Don't just be a "friend" to me or another sharer just because you like to hear about the "dirt".
Sharing personal thoughts and problems has a lot to do with trust. If you don't trust the person you are sharing with, then you will not share personal things with them. You may not even speak to them at all. Or, if you do, you will only tell them about things that might be considered "small talk", or just share things that are obvious "here's what's happening with my day" type things. You might only give them information on what music you are listening to, what you're having for dinner, or how your kid or spouse is being annoying and a royal pain in the butt. But you won't share anything with any "meaning" to it. The things that are really on your mind. Big things. You know, problems you are having, personal feelings about something, or even a major issue going on in your life.
What I've noticed is that the reason people will not share things with someone they supposedly call a friend is that they feel they will not like the reaction they will receive. In other words, if they share a particular problem, and they know the person they are talking to will respond with a long, drawn out, emotionally charged response, they are not likely to share anything at all. Or it may be that the reaction they expect they will receive will be a negative one, one of those "get over it, stop whining, put on your grown up underwear and get on with your life" type responses. But, on the same token, they will still remain friends with that person because that person may be the type to share their most personal, deepest, darkest secrets all the time. Who doesn't like to know someone's deepest secrets, and to feel they are the ONLY one that knows them?
This is why I am convinced that I share way too much information. I have friends that would rather go tell a complete stranger about a problem they're having than come to me with it. I do all the sharing, I tell them everything, but most of the time, I get nothing shared with me. Nothing important anyway. I am beginning to get the feeling that most of my friends are only friends with me because they like to hear about my "dirt". I think others are worried that I am so "fragile" or depressed that they only feel sorry for me, and fear that if they don't remain my friend, that I will go off the deep end and kill myself or something. That could not be further from the truth, but that DOES seem to be the way some of them feel. And all because I share WAY too much.
Another indication of trust and true friendship is communication. If you truly want to talk to someone, what do you do? You email them, you are available to chat, you may even text them or call them on the phone. When you care about someone, and what they are doing, you communicate with them, often. I find this is not the case in my own life. No one emails, no one texts, or calls, and very few are available to chat on the internet. I have come to the conclusion then that there is a fundamental problem, and the problem is ME. No one WANTS to email me, and they could not care less about texting me or calling, they don't WANT to talk to me. They don't WANT to share things with me, because they don't truly trust me.
I could even take this a step further, and say that here, on my blog, no one wants to speak to me either. I write, people read, but no one says a word. I even ASK for comments, and get nothing. I'm not saying I'm the only one with this problem though, lots of bloggers have the same issue, and it's for the same reason. People want to hear and read about the "dirt", they want to know about all the really "secret" stuff. But it seems you can't expect them to share THEIR "dirt" with you the same way you share YOURS.
When you share, you are judged, plain and simple. People get an idea in their minds as to the kind of person they think you are, and for those like me who share a lot, that idea is not always a good one. In other words, if you are a "sharer", then the idea people get in their heads is that you will ALWAYS share what's in your head, and share it with anyone you come in contact with. What this means is that in their minds, regardless of whether or not it's true, you cannot keep a secret. So, they will therefore not tell you anything that they consider to be private, for fear that other people will find out. They won't tell you that to your face, but that's the reality of it. They simply don't trust you. The really sad part about that however, at least in MY case, is that while I share my personal feelings and problems with many people, I NEVER share anyone else's problems and feelings that are shared with me. When someone shares information with me of a personal nature, that information stays with ME, and is not shared with anyone else. Anyone surprised?
Don't judge a person by how much they share. Just because they are willing to air their own dirty laundry does not mean they will air YOURS. Be a true friend, communicate, tell the "sharers" what is really going on in your life. Don't let the communication be a one way street. Those of us that share a lot would like nothing more than to feel like we can be shared with too. We are not untrustworthy. Don't just be a "friend" to me or another sharer just because you like to hear about the "dirt".
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thinking.....and sharing.....too much?
As many of you know, I am separated from my wife, and rooming with friends, so for all intents and purposes, I live alone. My roommates and I have vastly different schedules, so we do not interact much, and I spend the majority of my time off work alone in my room. I don't have a lot of the daily distractions of family and the hustle and bustle that many of you do, so I have a lot of time to think.
That's not to say I'm "alone" however, as I do spend a lot of time chatting with friends online. I have 3 very special people in my life that I chat with regularly. Each one of those people have a very different personality, and also very different methods of communication, when compared to one another. However, as this "weekend" of mine progressed, each one of them gave me, in their own unique way, something to think about. My emotions have gone from some of the highest highs to some of the lowest lows I have experienced in quite some time.
While I would rather not share the details of the conversations, I do want to say that I learned a lot. About myself, about people in general, and about life. It's funny sometimes, how just a few words written on a computer screen can make you feel so happy, or so sad. In this case, I saw how differently people interact with one another, and how they share their feelings. It got me to considering how I share mine.
Here on my blog, I share a lot, and in a chat, even more so, especially to those I feel are close to me. After this weekend however, I wonder if I share too much. How much of my life, or my feelings, is too much to share? Some people are fine with hearing everything, or a lot, and others would rather not hear much at all. Further, how much should I be comfortable sharing? These are questions I hadn't really considered before.
I have never been known for my brevity. No matter what it is I'm talking about, whether it be my knowledge of cars, or computers, or anything else, I like to try to convey as many details as possible. The same goes for my own opinions and emotions too. I like to tell someone EXACTLY what is on my mind, and often, it takes many words to do so. But is that really necessary? Probably not.
Different people process information in different ways. Regardless of the subject matter, the way a person internally processes information in many ways also determines the way they communicate, or externally verbalize their thoughts. One person may have thoughts that travel in a sort of line, one after the other, in a logical sequence, while another may have a jumble of thoughts in a "pile", that they process in a "hit or miss" sort of fashion, until a particular problem is worked out. In my case, my brain uses a sort of "compartmentalized" fashion, putting things in "boxes", which means that each subject has its own "region" of my thoughts. When I think about something, for instance, car repair, I can then access that "box" in my mind, which, after 10 years of working in that field, makes for a veritable database of information for me to retrieve. If I'm about to do an engine replacement on a particular car, I access the information I need to do that job, but the thoughts don't come "step by step", more often, I "see" the entire job, the engine literally coming apart, in my mind, all at one time. This method of storage and retrieval works well in that line of work, because once I had seen and performed a specific repair several times, I remembered it, as it happened, and then the next time I had to do it, I could "see" it happen before I placed the first wrench on it, or the next time I had to diagnose a problem, I could literally "see" what the solution should be.
The same method works well for just about any industry or subject that can be compartmentalized, or rather, when all the information can be accessed all at once. Computers? Easy. Easier than cars in fact. Fewer moving parts. Their construction is so simple it's comical. Even laptops, while the technology is smaller, are built very similarly, so to me, they are just as easy to work on. Washers? Dryers? Dishwashers? TV's? Game consoles? Child's play. You name it, if it's a mechanical or electronic device that can be disassembled and repaired and reassembled, I find it easy to learn and remember what steps are required to accomplish those tasks. I have also found in learning about mechanical and electronic equipment that many correlations can be made between one type of device and another, mainly in how they are constructed and in how they operate. To me, gears are gears, and circuit boards are circuit boards, no matter what device they may be in, they all basically work the same way. Having a vast database of knowledge on many different types of equipment means I can often take something I have never seen or worked on before, and can make a diagnosis as to what's wrong with it, and can determine how to disassemble and reassemble it without having any previous experience with that particular device.
As you can plainly see however, as the above 2 paragraphs demonstrated, this method of thinking also means that I attempt to communicate in the same "compartmentalized" manner. All of the thoughts come at one time, in one big "box", and therefore, I try to share all of that information at once. It's impossible to communicate many thoughts simultaneously however, so then, what comes out of my mouth, or what is typed into a computer, is a tediously long string of pieces of information, one after the other. However, many of those pieces could probably be left out without diminishing the main thought I am attempting to communicate.
That's what I'm talking about when it comes to how much I should share.
Most people don't want to hear so much information in such a short time, they just aren't THAT interested. Sure, sometimes, when it pertains to something they are passionate about, they ARE interested, and would probably listen or read for hours on the subject. But many other times, the opposite is true. People want the "Reader's Digest" version, give them the main facts, and a little explanation, and that's good enough. They then form their own opinion or thoughts on the matter, and they're done with it. Again, the subject matter is not important. Whatever it is, don't draw it out, and don't share too much, it's just plain boring, and in some cases, gets a little creepy.
So I wonder, DO I share too much? I believe the answer is an unequivocal YES!
Fortunately a "problem" like this is easy to fix. I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. Simple. I'll keep my mouth shut. Give them the basics, and let them run with it, let them make their own assumptions and opinions about it.
No, I'm not going to stop sharing all together. I'm just going to share LESS. You'll still hear my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings, but you won't hear everything. It's not necessary, and not important.
Now, I want YOU to share. Give me YOUR thoughts. How do you share, and how much? If you actually made it this far down in this post without your eyes glazing over, did you think I shared too much? What is YOUR opinion on what is "too much" sharing? I am interested in hearing some other points of view.
Thanks for your time, see you all again soon.
That's not to say I'm "alone" however, as I do spend a lot of time chatting with friends online. I have 3 very special people in my life that I chat with regularly. Each one of those people have a very different personality, and also very different methods of communication, when compared to one another. However, as this "weekend" of mine progressed, each one of them gave me, in their own unique way, something to think about. My emotions have gone from some of the highest highs to some of the lowest lows I have experienced in quite some time.
While I would rather not share the details of the conversations, I do want to say that I learned a lot. About myself, about people in general, and about life. It's funny sometimes, how just a few words written on a computer screen can make you feel so happy, or so sad. In this case, I saw how differently people interact with one another, and how they share their feelings. It got me to considering how I share mine.
Here on my blog, I share a lot, and in a chat, even more so, especially to those I feel are close to me. After this weekend however, I wonder if I share too much. How much of my life, or my feelings, is too much to share? Some people are fine with hearing everything, or a lot, and others would rather not hear much at all. Further, how much should I be comfortable sharing? These are questions I hadn't really considered before.
I have never been known for my brevity. No matter what it is I'm talking about, whether it be my knowledge of cars, or computers, or anything else, I like to try to convey as many details as possible. The same goes for my own opinions and emotions too. I like to tell someone EXACTLY what is on my mind, and often, it takes many words to do so. But is that really necessary? Probably not.
Different people process information in different ways. Regardless of the subject matter, the way a person internally processes information in many ways also determines the way they communicate, or externally verbalize their thoughts. One person may have thoughts that travel in a sort of line, one after the other, in a logical sequence, while another may have a jumble of thoughts in a "pile", that they process in a "hit or miss" sort of fashion, until a particular problem is worked out. In my case, my brain uses a sort of "compartmentalized" fashion, putting things in "boxes", which means that each subject has its own "region" of my thoughts. When I think about something, for instance, car repair, I can then access that "box" in my mind, which, after 10 years of working in that field, makes for a veritable database of information for me to retrieve. If I'm about to do an engine replacement on a particular car, I access the information I need to do that job, but the thoughts don't come "step by step", more often, I "see" the entire job, the engine literally coming apart, in my mind, all at one time. This method of storage and retrieval works well in that line of work, because once I had seen and performed a specific repair several times, I remembered it, as it happened, and then the next time I had to do it, I could "see" it happen before I placed the first wrench on it, or the next time I had to diagnose a problem, I could literally "see" what the solution should be.
The same method works well for just about any industry or subject that can be compartmentalized, or rather, when all the information can be accessed all at once. Computers? Easy. Easier than cars in fact. Fewer moving parts. Their construction is so simple it's comical. Even laptops, while the technology is smaller, are built very similarly, so to me, they are just as easy to work on. Washers? Dryers? Dishwashers? TV's? Game consoles? Child's play. You name it, if it's a mechanical or electronic device that can be disassembled and repaired and reassembled, I find it easy to learn and remember what steps are required to accomplish those tasks. I have also found in learning about mechanical and electronic equipment that many correlations can be made between one type of device and another, mainly in how they are constructed and in how they operate. To me, gears are gears, and circuit boards are circuit boards, no matter what device they may be in, they all basically work the same way. Having a vast database of knowledge on many different types of equipment means I can often take something I have never seen or worked on before, and can make a diagnosis as to what's wrong with it, and can determine how to disassemble and reassemble it without having any previous experience with that particular device.
As you can plainly see however, as the above 2 paragraphs demonstrated, this method of thinking also means that I attempt to communicate in the same "compartmentalized" manner. All of the thoughts come at one time, in one big "box", and therefore, I try to share all of that information at once. It's impossible to communicate many thoughts simultaneously however, so then, what comes out of my mouth, or what is typed into a computer, is a tediously long string of pieces of information, one after the other. However, many of those pieces could probably be left out without diminishing the main thought I am attempting to communicate.
That's what I'm talking about when it comes to how much I should share.
Most people don't want to hear so much information in such a short time, they just aren't THAT interested. Sure, sometimes, when it pertains to something they are passionate about, they ARE interested, and would probably listen or read for hours on the subject. But many other times, the opposite is true. People want the "Reader's Digest" version, give them the main facts, and a little explanation, and that's good enough. They then form their own opinion or thoughts on the matter, and they're done with it. Again, the subject matter is not important. Whatever it is, don't draw it out, and don't share too much, it's just plain boring, and in some cases, gets a little creepy.
So I wonder, DO I share too much? I believe the answer is an unequivocal YES!
Fortunately a "problem" like this is easy to fix. I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. Simple. I'll keep my mouth shut. Give them the basics, and let them run with it, let them make their own assumptions and opinions about it.
No, I'm not going to stop sharing all together. I'm just going to share LESS. You'll still hear my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings, but you won't hear everything. It's not necessary, and not important.
Now, I want YOU to share. Give me YOUR thoughts. How do you share, and how much? If you actually made it this far down in this post without your eyes glazing over, did you think I shared too much? What is YOUR opinion on what is "too much" sharing? I am interested in hearing some other points of view.
Thanks for your time, see you all again soon.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Thursday Thoughts
I haven't posted in a while, but I've been in kind of a dark place lately.
I called my father on Father's Day, and the news I got was that he has cirrhosis of the liver, and may not have much time left. He's almost 65, and has already had a quadruple bypass surgery, and also had a stint put in his leg for another issue. Plus, they (his insurance company) is blaming the cirrhosis on alcohol use, which isn't true, he has never been much of a drinker. In order to even be put on a waiting list for a transplant he'd have to go to rehab. He sees no point in doing that, since he doesn't need rehab for alcohol, so he's just waiting it out, living his life as he sees fit until the end.
I've never been really very close with my dad, but the news hit me hard. I don't want to see him go like that, but if it's his time, then it's his time. I just think it's too soon. He should have at least 20 or 30 good years left in him, but it seems that's not to be.
Our family is not one known for its longevity, so I should have seen this coming. Both sets of my grandparents were dead before I got to be 10 years old. One died before I was born, and the other 3 only made it about halfway into their 70's before they died. I figured though that since that was the 1970's back then, and medical technology has advanced quite a bit in the years since, that my parents would live a lot longer. Seems that's not going to be the case.
My mother is 67, and for her, that's already past the point that the women in her family normally live to. Her sister died at 42 of breast cancer turned bone cancer, and her mother died at 59 from a cerebral hemorrhage. Basically if you're a woman on my mom's side of the family and you've made it past the age of 60, you've accomplished something. I just don't know what will happen to my mother though when my dad dies, he's her whole world, and I have all ideas she will follow him to the grave soon after he passes.
In other news, my financial situation has taken a downturn with the garnishment they are taking from my pay. If I haven't mentioned it before, my wife has a medical bill to the tune of 25,000 dollars that they had previously been garnishing HER check for, but, I assume they were not satisfied with what they were getting from her. Since I am married to her, that same bill magically ended up on MY credit report too, several years ago, and now they have decided to start taking it from my check. Not fun. At all.
Otherwise, work has been going well, I am still stocking shelves every night, which is still enjoyable. I have decided to get another job during the day however, as with the garnishment my checks have left me without enough to live on each week, let alone have anything extra to play with. I tried with one company, they called me to come in for an "interview", which turned out to be nothing more than a group meeting with 7 other people. This guy came in and gave us his pitch on why we should come work for their insurance company. I was intrigued at first, thinking this might be a good opportunity to make REAL money. Then I found out there was a cost involved. I would have to pay to get licensed to sell insurance. And I don't have the 340 dollars to do it. So, I'll have to find something else. As they say, the right job will come along when it's time.
I haven't seen my daughters in a few weeks. They are eager to see me every time I get over there, but there just hasn't been gas money to make the trip lately. They called me on Father's Day, and I got to talk to them briefly, but that was it. Hopefully soon I'll be able to scrounge up enough to go and see them.
All this, coupled with live in general, has had me feeling very lonely lately. For the first time in my life, I've even had thoughts about ending it all and starting again in the next life, from this vantage point it seems that I haven't accomplished anything in THIS one. Did I learn the lessons I came here to learn? If you look at the decisions I've made in my life and seen how many choices I've made that were so, so wrong, then you might say "No". But maybe that's what this life has been all about. Making bad choices, and then dealing with the consequences emotionally. Emotional control, that's what this has all been about, and so far, I've been failing miserably. That's mainly because for the most part, I have had no idea what "control" of my emotions even meant. I do know that it's not about wallowing in self pity, or allowing ANY emotion to get the best of me, and overwhelm my sense of logic. It's a work in progress, and will remain so, till this lifetime is over.
I posted a few weeks ago about motivation, and how I needed to get out of my comfort zone, or rather, I had to stop "settling". Ever since then, life has seemed to send me situations to deal with to show me where I have decided to "settle". My financial situation took a dump, when it seemed like everything there was going fairly well. Now, I will HAVE to get a second job if I want to be able to even EAT from week to week.
I wanted to sit here and try to explain the rest, but I find I cannot. It just seems that everything is a little topsy turvy in my world right now, and I'm not sure what to think.
I just know I'm done with making decisions with my emotions. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say I just about made a complete fool out of myself yesterday, and it was because I was thinking with my emotions. See, I told you life was teaching me something lol. I've done a lot of changing over the last 2 years of my life, but some things hadn't changed much, and that was one of them. Somehow or other, in all the changes I made, moving out, starting my own life, really becoming "me", I had forgotten the most basic thing. Life won't go how you want it to, or even how you hope it will, no matter how much you want it to. You've got to take what life gives you, and go with it. While it's good to have dreams and aspirations for things, some things aren't meant to happen, and if you keep on dreaming and hoping they will, you're just going to end up with hurt feelings.
Anyway, in a nutshell, I've not been in a "happy" place a lot lately, but that's life. You have ups and downs, and for me, it's just been a sort of down time. Life goes on, things happen, and you deal. End of story.
I called my father on Father's Day, and the news I got was that he has cirrhosis of the liver, and may not have much time left. He's almost 65, and has already had a quadruple bypass surgery, and also had a stint put in his leg for another issue. Plus, they (his insurance company) is blaming the cirrhosis on alcohol use, which isn't true, he has never been much of a drinker. In order to even be put on a waiting list for a transplant he'd have to go to rehab. He sees no point in doing that, since he doesn't need rehab for alcohol, so he's just waiting it out, living his life as he sees fit until the end.
I've never been really very close with my dad, but the news hit me hard. I don't want to see him go like that, but if it's his time, then it's his time. I just think it's too soon. He should have at least 20 or 30 good years left in him, but it seems that's not to be.
Our family is not one known for its longevity, so I should have seen this coming. Both sets of my grandparents were dead before I got to be 10 years old. One died before I was born, and the other 3 only made it about halfway into their 70's before they died. I figured though that since that was the 1970's back then, and medical technology has advanced quite a bit in the years since, that my parents would live a lot longer. Seems that's not going to be the case.
My mother is 67, and for her, that's already past the point that the women in her family normally live to. Her sister died at 42 of breast cancer turned bone cancer, and her mother died at 59 from a cerebral hemorrhage. Basically if you're a woman on my mom's side of the family and you've made it past the age of 60, you've accomplished something. I just don't know what will happen to my mother though when my dad dies, he's her whole world, and I have all ideas she will follow him to the grave soon after he passes.
In other news, my financial situation has taken a downturn with the garnishment they are taking from my pay. If I haven't mentioned it before, my wife has a medical bill to the tune of 25,000 dollars that they had previously been garnishing HER check for, but, I assume they were not satisfied with what they were getting from her. Since I am married to her, that same bill magically ended up on MY credit report too, several years ago, and now they have decided to start taking it from my check. Not fun. At all.
Otherwise, work has been going well, I am still stocking shelves every night, which is still enjoyable. I have decided to get another job during the day however, as with the garnishment my checks have left me without enough to live on each week, let alone have anything extra to play with. I tried with one company, they called me to come in for an "interview", which turned out to be nothing more than a group meeting with 7 other people. This guy came in and gave us his pitch on why we should come work for their insurance company. I was intrigued at first, thinking this might be a good opportunity to make REAL money. Then I found out there was a cost involved. I would have to pay to get licensed to sell insurance. And I don't have the 340 dollars to do it. So, I'll have to find something else. As they say, the right job will come along when it's time.
I haven't seen my daughters in a few weeks. They are eager to see me every time I get over there, but there just hasn't been gas money to make the trip lately. They called me on Father's Day, and I got to talk to them briefly, but that was it. Hopefully soon I'll be able to scrounge up enough to go and see them.
All this, coupled with live in general, has had me feeling very lonely lately. For the first time in my life, I've even had thoughts about ending it all and starting again in the next life, from this vantage point it seems that I haven't accomplished anything in THIS one. Did I learn the lessons I came here to learn? If you look at the decisions I've made in my life and seen how many choices I've made that were so, so wrong, then you might say "No". But maybe that's what this life has been all about. Making bad choices, and then dealing with the consequences emotionally. Emotional control, that's what this has all been about, and so far, I've been failing miserably. That's mainly because for the most part, I have had no idea what "control" of my emotions even meant. I do know that it's not about wallowing in self pity, or allowing ANY emotion to get the best of me, and overwhelm my sense of logic. It's a work in progress, and will remain so, till this lifetime is over.
I posted a few weeks ago about motivation, and how I needed to get out of my comfort zone, or rather, I had to stop "settling". Ever since then, life has seemed to send me situations to deal with to show me where I have decided to "settle". My financial situation took a dump, when it seemed like everything there was going fairly well. Now, I will HAVE to get a second job if I want to be able to even EAT from week to week.
I wanted to sit here and try to explain the rest, but I find I cannot. It just seems that everything is a little topsy turvy in my world right now, and I'm not sure what to think.
I just know I'm done with making decisions with my emotions. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say I just about made a complete fool out of myself yesterday, and it was because I was thinking with my emotions. See, I told you life was teaching me something lol. I've done a lot of changing over the last 2 years of my life, but some things hadn't changed much, and that was one of them. Somehow or other, in all the changes I made, moving out, starting my own life, really becoming "me", I had forgotten the most basic thing. Life won't go how you want it to, or even how you hope it will, no matter how much you want it to. You've got to take what life gives you, and go with it. While it's good to have dreams and aspirations for things, some things aren't meant to happen, and if you keep on dreaming and hoping they will, you're just going to end up with hurt feelings.
Anyway, in a nutshell, I've not been in a "happy" place a lot lately, but that's life. You have ups and downs, and for me, it's just been a sort of down time. Life goes on, things happen, and you deal. End of story.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Being creative
There have been creative thoughts brewing in my noggin for a couple of days now, and today, I think I figured out how I can best be creative.
I am not a crafty sort of person, I don't paint, or draw, or sculpt, or knit or crochet, or make things from wood, or any other of the traditional "crafts" a person can think of. I write stories on occasion, short snippets usually, not novels or poems or anything. If and when I DO write, I write in spurts, often going for months without getting any inspiration for new material.
What I AM good at however, and I often take time to investigate, is mechanical stuff, science and technology stuff in particular. I love a good gadget, especially if it has moving parts. And it doesn't have to be designed by humans to catch my eye either. This particular "gadget" I discovered today is made up of nothing BUT moving parts. LIVE ones. Check this video out to see what I mean.
What you're seeing there is a colony of fire ants that has created a "raft" from their own bodies, a mechanism they employ when their nest is flooded, so they can escape and move along to colonize somewhere else. As you can see, because they are utilizing the surface tension of the water to keep themselves afloat, the "raft" is virtually unsinkable, even when physically forced down into the water.
Seeing this has helped inspire me to do what has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, and that is to invent something. Do something, or rather, make something useful for humanity that has never been thought of, let alone done before. I was having a hard time thinking of ideas, after all, it IS the 21st century, right? There aren't many areas of our lives that have NOT been invented for and reinvented again and again. We have "convenienced" ourselves to death with all the gagdets and gizmos we use every day to make our stay here in the physical world all that much easier. So what could there possibly be left to invent?
These ants have shown me that I need look no further than to our natural world, to the other creatures that inhabit it with us, to find inspiration for things to invent. An invention to help us live fuller and more productive lives, and is this particular case, LONGER lives. How often do we find ourselves faced with the problem of how to stay on TOP of a body of water? We don't have the ability to walk on water like an ant, so we use devices to keep ourselves afloat, such as boats and ships, and, when things go awry, inflatable rafts. These rafts can be rather big and bulky, even when deflated. They have to be, using inflation technology, so they are large enough to carry a specific amount of weight when inflated.
Scientists are studying these fire ants to apply their "technology" to advance our understanding of waterproofing. For details, read this. However, I see no reason we cannot adapt their method of flotation to our own use, in making our own rafts. They would be very thin and lightweight, but be able to carry heavy loads and not sink, even when protruding beneath the surface.
Think of the possibilities of such an invention. Lifeboats on ships could be so small you could carry one in your pocket like a handkerchief, or perhaps they'd be a little larger, the size of a standard notebook. Fold it out and throw it on the water, and then jump aboard, and you could stay afloat indefinitely till help arrived.
I have to say, I truly believe that nature has all the best ideas right under our noses, if we only stop to look. Modern conveniences, all invented and improved upon by man? I say NO, most of the things we take for granted were first "invented" by our friends outdoors, we've only "borrowed" their clever solutions to everyday problems.
I want to invent, to create, and to do that, I'm going to study nature. I'm going to find out what animals do to survive, and maybe I'll find a few more inspirations along the way.
I am not a crafty sort of person, I don't paint, or draw, or sculpt, or knit or crochet, or make things from wood, or any other of the traditional "crafts" a person can think of. I write stories on occasion, short snippets usually, not novels or poems or anything. If and when I DO write, I write in spurts, often going for months without getting any inspiration for new material.
What I AM good at however, and I often take time to investigate, is mechanical stuff, science and technology stuff in particular. I love a good gadget, especially if it has moving parts. And it doesn't have to be designed by humans to catch my eye either. This particular "gadget" I discovered today is made up of nothing BUT moving parts. LIVE ones. Check this video out to see what I mean.
What you're seeing there is a colony of fire ants that has created a "raft" from their own bodies, a mechanism they employ when their nest is flooded, so they can escape and move along to colonize somewhere else. As you can see, because they are utilizing the surface tension of the water to keep themselves afloat, the "raft" is virtually unsinkable, even when physically forced down into the water.
Seeing this has helped inspire me to do what has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, and that is to invent something. Do something, or rather, make something useful for humanity that has never been thought of, let alone done before. I was having a hard time thinking of ideas, after all, it IS the 21st century, right? There aren't many areas of our lives that have NOT been invented for and reinvented again and again. We have "convenienced" ourselves to death with all the gagdets and gizmos we use every day to make our stay here in the physical world all that much easier. So what could there possibly be left to invent?
These ants have shown me that I need look no further than to our natural world, to the other creatures that inhabit it with us, to find inspiration for things to invent. An invention to help us live fuller and more productive lives, and is this particular case, LONGER lives. How often do we find ourselves faced with the problem of how to stay on TOP of a body of water? We don't have the ability to walk on water like an ant, so we use devices to keep ourselves afloat, such as boats and ships, and, when things go awry, inflatable rafts. These rafts can be rather big and bulky, even when deflated. They have to be, using inflation technology, so they are large enough to carry a specific amount of weight when inflated.
Scientists are studying these fire ants to apply their "technology" to advance our understanding of waterproofing. For details, read this. However, I see no reason we cannot adapt their method of flotation to our own use, in making our own rafts. They would be very thin and lightweight, but be able to carry heavy loads and not sink, even when protruding beneath the surface.
Think of the possibilities of such an invention. Lifeboats on ships could be so small you could carry one in your pocket like a handkerchief, or perhaps they'd be a little larger, the size of a standard notebook. Fold it out and throw it on the water, and then jump aboard, and you could stay afloat indefinitely till help arrived.
I have to say, I truly believe that nature has all the best ideas right under our noses, if we only stop to look. Modern conveniences, all invented and improved upon by man? I say NO, most of the things we take for granted were first "invented" by our friends outdoors, we've only "borrowed" their clever solutions to everyday problems.
I want to invent, to create, and to do that, I'm going to study nature. I'm going to find out what animals do to survive, and maybe I'll find a few more inspirations along the way.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
My day with the girls......and other things
I went to see my girls yesterday, and of course had to deal with my ex, which is a lot of times not a good situation, but this time, it was a very pleasant experience.
I've had a lot of work done on my car, so now I'm able to go see them more often, and I'm hoping things continue to go well, especially with the ex. She is very controlling, likes to dictate to me how things are going to go, without even considering my opinion on whatever subject there is at hand. Yesterday however, she was very sociable.
Things started out with me going to check on her truck, which has a door issue, as in, the driver's door wouldn't close, period. The latch is messed up because the door is sagging, mostly due to age and normal wear and tear. Well 10 minutes after I got there, I had it fixed, or at least to where it will close for now. She was still at work, so all I did was tell her what was up with it, and told her what needed to be done to fix it. Then I went to pick up my 2 older daughters at school.
The car circle is always a "fun" venture, and since I got there a few minutes early, I had to sit and wait to pick them up, but I occupied myself by reading a book on my Nook. Awesome little things, those e-readers lol. Then finally when the line began to move, I made it to the front in a pretty short time and found my middle daughter, Alex, patiently waiting for me, but my oldest, Liz, was nowhere to be found, so I picked up Alex and continued down the rest of the line and found a place to park in the parking lot. As soon as I got parked, I look up to find Liz jumping around like a banshee in the exact spot I had JUST left! So I go over to get her, and she acts like she doesn't want to be see me, or be seen WITH me......typical teen (she'll be 15 in about a month), but she did give me a hug when we got to the car.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I got them home, and shortly thereafter my ex met me there with the youngest, Teagan. We then got into my car and headed to Nashville to take her to her tryout for the Nashville Children's Choir, which is the whole reason I went over there to start with, since the ex's truck was having issues, and she is having difficulty finding money for gas in that behemoth (a 1993 Dodge Ramcharger). Everything went well with that, Teagan will probably get selected to be in the choir, but we won't find out for sure until they send the letter sometime next month. It's not that hard to get in, seems as long as you can carry a tune in a bucket they let you in, but you never know.
After that we went around to the "picturesque" part of the campus (the choir is based out of Belmont University) and took some pics, and let the girls run around for a bit, while the ex and I talked. She is still trying to convince me to come back to her, so she was very nice, and discussed with me some of the things going on with the kids, as well as some things going on over the summer. She asked me if things with her were all that bad, and I told her (again, for like the 50th time) that it wasn't her, it was me, I had not been honest with myself for the whole time I was with her, in that I was not happy. It's just a matter of compatibility, I told her, and we are not compatible. She didn't say much more about it, and we headed home shortly thereafter.
I ate dinner with them, sloppy joes, leftover chicken nuggets and fries, and some kind of leftover hamburger helper......guess it was leftover night. With new sloppy joes. It was good though. Shortly after eating I headed back home, it was late, and I was tired. I had gotten up at 4 in the morning, since on my days off I sleep at night like the rest of the world lol. I don't like leaving them, the girls, they are so sad when I go. They just want me to come back, and they don't understand it's not that easy. I can't live with their mother, and be in a relationship with her, because I know full well what would happen if I did. She'd be fine for a few weeks, maybe even a month, but then she'd go back to what she was doing before, and dictating to me every little thing, telling me even how I should think. It's in her personality, and I don't believe someone can change their personality.
So that was it in a nutshell, my visit with the girls. It was fun and I got the chance to spend time with them, they are growing up so fast. Soon I will have to teach Liz how to drive, I can't believe it. We'll have to find a car that's not a stick shift first though, I think trying to teach her on that will be a little much, too much to think about at one time.
In other news, I've gotten into a sort of routine at work, and it's going well. I enjoy what I do, and hopefully as time passes there will be opportunities to learn other departments, I want to know as many as I can, so I can be more versatile, and besides, I just love filling the shelves lol. It's because I know then that there is merchandise for the customers to buy, and isn't that the name of the game? Don't you hate it when you go to a store and they don't have what you normally buy there? Me too, which is why I am so passionate about what I do.
There's more change on the horizon, I can feel it, but isn't that the way it always is? If there is not change, then there is nothing. Nothing moving, nothing progressing, nothing happening. So it's kind of a moot point to say things are changing. They ALWAYS change. It's only in our own opinions whether we see the change as good or bad. The thing is, it's neither. Everything happens just as it should, so any change is just that, just change. The day changes, the year changes, the season's change, the only constant is change. It's in how we perceive the change that is the problem. If we don't look at things as "bad" or "good", but as things that happen as they should, then we don't see the world in the same way at all. Things that before seemed like horrible "bad" things, like war, disease, natural disasters, and death, all become neutral, just as the "good" things like love and peace and birth and weddings and (lol) chocolate ice cream. Something to think about. Hard to put into practice, surely, but something to think about.
I've had a lot of work done on my car, so now I'm able to go see them more often, and I'm hoping things continue to go well, especially with the ex. She is very controlling, likes to dictate to me how things are going to go, without even considering my opinion on whatever subject there is at hand. Yesterday however, she was very sociable.
Things started out with me going to check on her truck, which has a door issue, as in, the driver's door wouldn't close, period. The latch is messed up because the door is sagging, mostly due to age and normal wear and tear. Well 10 minutes after I got there, I had it fixed, or at least to where it will close for now. She was still at work, so all I did was tell her what was up with it, and told her what needed to be done to fix it. Then I went to pick up my 2 older daughters at school.
The car circle is always a "fun" venture, and since I got there a few minutes early, I had to sit and wait to pick them up, but I occupied myself by reading a book on my Nook. Awesome little things, those e-readers lol. Then finally when the line began to move, I made it to the front in a pretty short time and found my middle daughter, Alex, patiently waiting for me, but my oldest, Liz, was nowhere to be found, so I picked up Alex and continued down the rest of the line and found a place to park in the parking lot. As soon as I got parked, I look up to find Liz jumping around like a banshee in the exact spot I had JUST left! So I go over to get her, and she acts like she doesn't want to be see me, or be seen WITH me......typical teen (she'll be 15 in about a month), but she did give me a hug when we got to the car.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I got them home, and shortly thereafter my ex met me there with the youngest, Teagan. We then got into my car and headed to Nashville to take her to her tryout for the Nashville Children's Choir, which is the whole reason I went over there to start with, since the ex's truck was having issues, and she is having difficulty finding money for gas in that behemoth (a 1993 Dodge Ramcharger). Everything went well with that, Teagan will probably get selected to be in the choir, but we won't find out for sure until they send the letter sometime next month. It's not that hard to get in, seems as long as you can carry a tune in a bucket they let you in, but you never know.
After that we went around to the "picturesque" part of the campus (the choir is based out of Belmont University) and took some pics, and let the girls run around for a bit, while the ex and I talked. She is still trying to convince me to come back to her, so she was very nice, and discussed with me some of the things going on with the kids, as well as some things going on over the summer. She asked me if things with her were all that bad, and I told her (again, for like the 50th time) that it wasn't her, it was me, I had not been honest with myself for the whole time I was with her, in that I was not happy. It's just a matter of compatibility, I told her, and we are not compatible. She didn't say much more about it, and we headed home shortly thereafter.
I ate dinner with them, sloppy joes, leftover chicken nuggets and fries, and some kind of leftover hamburger helper......guess it was leftover night. With new sloppy joes. It was good though. Shortly after eating I headed back home, it was late, and I was tired. I had gotten up at 4 in the morning, since on my days off I sleep at night like the rest of the world lol. I don't like leaving them, the girls, they are so sad when I go. They just want me to come back, and they don't understand it's not that easy. I can't live with their mother, and be in a relationship with her, because I know full well what would happen if I did. She'd be fine for a few weeks, maybe even a month, but then she'd go back to what she was doing before, and dictating to me every little thing, telling me even how I should think. It's in her personality, and I don't believe someone can change their personality.
So that was it in a nutshell, my visit with the girls. It was fun and I got the chance to spend time with them, they are growing up so fast. Soon I will have to teach Liz how to drive, I can't believe it. We'll have to find a car that's not a stick shift first though, I think trying to teach her on that will be a little much, too much to think about at one time.
In other news, I've gotten into a sort of routine at work, and it's going well. I enjoy what I do, and hopefully as time passes there will be opportunities to learn other departments, I want to know as many as I can, so I can be more versatile, and besides, I just love filling the shelves lol. It's because I know then that there is merchandise for the customers to buy, and isn't that the name of the game? Don't you hate it when you go to a store and they don't have what you normally buy there? Me too, which is why I am so passionate about what I do.
There's more change on the horizon, I can feel it, but isn't that the way it always is? If there is not change, then there is nothing. Nothing moving, nothing progressing, nothing happening. So it's kind of a moot point to say things are changing. They ALWAYS change. It's only in our own opinions whether we see the change as good or bad. The thing is, it's neither. Everything happens just as it should, so any change is just that, just change. The day changes, the year changes, the season's change, the only constant is change. It's in how we perceive the change that is the problem. If we don't look at things as "bad" or "good", but as things that happen as they should, then we don't see the world in the same way at all. Things that before seemed like horrible "bad" things, like war, disease, natural disasters, and death, all become neutral, just as the "good" things like love and peace and birth and weddings and (lol) chocolate ice cream. Something to think about. Hard to put into practice, surely, but something to think about.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Before I post.....I wanted to say..
I'm finally getting back to the "30 days" posts, but before I do that, I wanted to say.....
I wish I could convey to you, my reader, how recent events have changed me. I don't even know what to write about, my views on this life, the path that I've chosen, it's just too much for words. You would really just have to experience it. Just like you are experiencing your own life, your own chosen path. I can't begin to understand what that must be like for you, because each of us has a unique perspective on everything we experience. The sheer number of possibilities of existence are just staggering, we could go on living lives for centuries more and not have the exact same life ever occur even once. Isn't that amazing? It just goes to prove to me how precious a thing it is to have this physical existence, this one is unique, never to be repeated. The ones before and the ones after were not and will not be anything like this one. It makes living THIS life the most important thing in the universe to me. Everything that happens I believe has a reason, there are no accidents or coincidences. So every moment of my life now has new meaning, and I have a sense of peace and happiness that can only come from knowing that there is a reason even for "bad" things happening. Usually it means the end of something good, so something better can come along. That's my belief anyway.
Now, on to my next "30 days" post.......
I wish I could convey to you, my reader, how recent events have changed me. I don't even know what to write about, my views on this life, the path that I've chosen, it's just too much for words. You would really just have to experience it. Just like you are experiencing your own life, your own chosen path. I can't begin to understand what that must be like for you, because each of us has a unique perspective on everything we experience. The sheer number of possibilities of existence are just staggering, we could go on living lives for centuries more and not have the exact same life ever occur even once. Isn't that amazing? It just goes to prove to me how precious a thing it is to have this physical existence, this one is unique, never to be repeated. The ones before and the ones after were not and will not be anything like this one. It makes living THIS life the most important thing in the universe to me. Everything that happens I believe has a reason, there are no accidents or coincidences. So every moment of my life now has new meaning, and I have a sense of peace and happiness that can only come from knowing that there is a reason even for "bad" things happening. Usually it means the end of something good, so something better can come along. That's my belief anyway.
Now, on to my next "30 days" post.......
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Looking back, this year in my life....
Well it's almost the end of another year, one that I will look back on fondly, because it was the year I finally DID something, I took action to improve myself, and my life. This is the time of year when I remember that it's a lot like each day; each year, when it passes, will never come again, and I think about what I'm going to do differently in the new year coming up. I don't like to dwell on the past all that much, it's gone, and there's nothing I can do to change it, but I can change what I do now, and I can make plans and set myself on a path that will lead me to better things. To a better "me". If there's one thing I've learned, it's that wallowing in regret or being depressed that things didn't go this year like I'd hoped, or, conversely, congratulating myself profusely for a job well done does little to keep things going forward. There is always something to improve, there is always something new to learn.
I think that's the biggest lesson I learned this year, and that is to remember that I've never "arrived" at the end, I'm not finished growing, or learning, and that change, while sometimes painful, is always for the better. Everything that happens happens for a reason, and that reason is for me to learn life's lessons that I set out to learn before I came here to live this particular lifetime. I think that for a lot of my life I resisted change out of fear of the unknown, and it has taken years for me to learn things that I could have otherwise done in a very short time. No one knows what the future holds, but to me, the future looks bright. I know now to work to control my fears, control my emotions, and listen to the signs and signals put before me, because they are ultimately going to make me more than I was. Every time I lose control, every time I resist, my progress halts, and in some cases even takes me backwards, and then I have to get up and go again, losing valuable time, after all, this lifetime is not without end.
One thing that stands out very clearly to me looking back on all that has transpired in the last 12 months, and that is that I am the only one standing in the way of my own personal growth. The other people in my life are the catalysts, the ones that prod me, take me in a new direction, but when it comes down to it, only I have the power to move. I have to see what needs to be left behind, I have to decide where I will make changes, only I can determine if I'm making progress, no one else can do that for me. That's the other major lesson. I can't look to others to tell me what to do, it's not their life, and whether they approve or not has no bearing on who I am. Asking others to tell me what to do or looking for their approval are just more symptoms of fear, the fear of standing alone, being accountable, I have to know for myself if something is right, for me. My guides exist to guide, not to dictate. There will never be easy answers. Trying to take shortcuts or relying on them to give me the answer will not help me to grow. I have to put aside the doubts, learn to listen to my heart, my intuition, and put my foot forward, not back. Only then will I be confident enough in myself to truly learn my lessons, and then internally, take stock in what I've become and be truly happy.
I've mentioned in a previous post about how I believed I had a duality of thought, emotion vs. logic. While in some aspects I still believe that is true, I also believe that I use both simultaneously, but that the main issue is my tendency towards extremes. I have many times believed I had achieved balance, but found out later that I had just gone to one end of the spectrum of the extremes, being emotional, or being logical. To be truly balanced, the emotion and logic must be used together, in equal measure, and while there may be exceptions, for many circumstances I encounter, there is no need to think only logically, or only emotionally. I have allowed myself on countless occasions to let the emotions of a situation to overwhelm me, thereby forgetting logic, and to a lesser degree, there have been occasions when the same has happened in reverse. Some things that happened quite recently allowed me to see this very clearly, I let my emotions get completely out of control, and as a direct result, I did some things that can only be described as stupid and completely crazy. For some time afterwards I was severely depressed, and down on myself, thinking I had let several of my friends down. All I could think was "Will they ever forgive me? What must they think of me now?" Then the thought struck me that the only person who needed to forgive me was myself. My friends, while they may have been disappointed, probably didn't spend half the time that I did worrying, they didn't dwell on it, they did like most people do, they let it remain in the past, and moved on with their lives. This time, instead of being ashamed of myself, wallowing in the emotion, and therefore not learning anything, I decided to pick myself up, shake it off, and really see what caused me to act in such a way. Learn from my mistakes. I think the saying that rings true to me the most is the one that says "Insanity(or Foolishness): doing the same thing (or making the same mistakes) over and over again, and expecting different results". That's the reason I didn't learn from those mistakes, I wasn't really seeing them as "mistakes", I figured the situations were different, how could the outcome possibly be the same? But they were. I was so wrapped up in the emotions of feeling bad about myself that I couldn't see the reasons I was making the same mistakes over again. To look at the root cause, and fix that, I finally can move past them, and learn something about myself. Because that's what this journey of life is all about, self discovery, and growth.
I know I may have repeated myself a bit here, thank you for bearing with me, this is how I help myself process what I've learned. As this new year dawns, I look forward to learning even more, this time I embrace the change, because I know when this day comes around in 2011, I will be more than I am today.
I think that's the biggest lesson I learned this year, and that is to remember that I've never "arrived" at the end, I'm not finished growing, or learning, and that change, while sometimes painful, is always for the better. Everything that happens happens for a reason, and that reason is for me to learn life's lessons that I set out to learn before I came here to live this particular lifetime. I think that for a lot of my life I resisted change out of fear of the unknown, and it has taken years for me to learn things that I could have otherwise done in a very short time. No one knows what the future holds, but to me, the future looks bright. I know now to work to control my fears, control my emotions, and listen to the signs and signals put before me, because they are ultimately going to make me more than I was. Every time I lose control, every time I resist, my progress halts, and in some cases even takes me backwards, and then I have to get up and go again, losing valuable time, after all, this lifetime is not without end.
One thing that stands out very clearly to me looking back on all that has transpired in the last 12 months, and that is that I am the only one standing in the way of my own personal growth. The other people in my life are the catalysts, the ones that prod me, take me in a new direction, but when it comes down to it, only I have the power to move. I have to see what needs to be left behind, I have to decide where I will make changes, only I can determine if I'm making progress, no one else can do that for me. That's the other major lesson. I can't look to others to tell me what to do, it's not their life, and whether they approve or not has no bearing on who I am. Asking others to tell me what to do or looking for their approval are just more symptoms of fear, the fear of standing alone, being accountable, I have to know for myself if something is right, for me. My guides exist to guide, not to dictate. There will never be easy answers. Trying to take shortcuts or relying on them to give me the answer will not help me to grow. I have to put aside the doubts, learn to listen to my heart, my intuition, and put my foot forward, not back. Only then will I be confident enough in myself to truly learn my lessons, and then internally, take stock in what I've become and be truly happy.
I've mentioned in a previous post about how I believed I had a duality of thought, emotion vs. logic. While in some aspects I still believe that is true, I also believe that I use both simultaneously, but that the main issue is my tendency towards extremes. I have many times believed I had achieved balance, but found out later that I had just gone to one end of the spectrum of the extremes, being emotional, or being logical. To be truly balanced, the emotion and logic must be used together, in equal measure, and while there may be exceptions, for many circumstances I encounter, there is no need to think only logically, or only emotionally. I have allowed myself on countless occasions to let the emotions of a situation to overwhelm me, thereby forgetting logic, and to a lesser degree, there have been occasions when the same has happened in reverse. Some things that happened quite recently allowed me to see this very clearly, I let my emotions get completely out of control, and as a direct result, I did some things that can only be described as stupid and completely crazy. For some time afterwards I was severely depressed, and down on myself, thinking I had let several of my friends down. All I could think was "Will they ever forgive me? What must they think of me now?" Then the thought struck me that the only person who needed to forgive me was myself. My friends, while they may have been disappointed, probably didn't spend half the time that I did worrying, they didn't dwell on it, they did like most people do, they let it remain in the past, and moved on with their lives. This time, instead of being ashamed of myself, wallowing in the emotion, and therefore not learning anything, I decided to pick myself up, shake it off, and really see what caused me to act in such a way. Learn from my mistakes. I think the saying that rings true to me the most is the one that says "Insanity(or Foolishness): doing the same thing (or making the same mistakes) over and over again, and expecting different results". That's the reason I didn't learn from those mistakes, I wasn't really seeing them as "mistakes", I figured the situations were different, how could the outcome possibly be the same? But they were. I was so wrapped up in the emotions of feeling bad about myself that I couldn't see the reasons I was making the same mistakes over again. To look at the root cause, and fix that, I finally can move past them, and learn something about myself. Because that's what this journey of life is all about, self discovery, and growth.
I know I may have repeated myself a bit here, thank you for bearing with me, this is how I help myself process what I've learned. As this new year dawns, I look forward to learning even more, this time I embrace the change, because I know when this day comes around in 2011, I will be more than I am today.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Haven't been writing....again
Hey folks, hope everyone's doing well tonight.......
I haven't been writing again, and all I can say is that I haven't felt like it. I've said several times in former posts that I wanted to write every day, but I never seem to be able to find the words to put on "paper". I'm just going to say now that I'm just going to write whenever I feel I need to, because that's what I do anyway, no matter what I might have said a week ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My goal I think in writing should be one that is not only attainable, but is something that doesn't feel like a "goal" per se, but more of a lifestyle. Or at least something that becomes a part of a lifestyle. All I really want to do is get my thoughts out, in a permanent form, and I want to write a book, several in fact, all that's needed is the motivation.
See, this year has been especially difficult for me, but yet at the same time it's been one of the most memorable and wonderful years of my life at the same time. How? Well, for starters, and this is the "Reader's Digest" version, I left my wife, moved in with some friends of mine an hour away, got a new job, and basically tried to start a new life, living more or less on my own for the first time in my life. Every aspect of my life changed, but then some things stayed the same, like the way I thought, my mind, most of that didn't change much at all until recently. It's been difficult to be away from my daughters, and to see them only on occasion, and when I do, to see how my absence has affected their psyche, and to see the changes in them due to the influence of their mother and grandmother, I don't know, I just feel like I'm losing them. I know they still love me, but more and more now I see that they are getting used to me being gone, and they are not the same as I remember them. It's almost like sometimes they are happy I'm gone. My oldest cries every time I leave to come back here, but as far as the other two, I don't know, it could be that their minds are being poisoned by their mother, who of course is not happy with me, and so then too neither is their grandmother. But I'm not there to see it, I really don't know what they're telling them. So I can't pass judgement. Well yes I can, I know them well enough to know that they ARE in fact telling the girls about how "bad" I am, or maybe how "worthless", who knows? Anyway it just bothers me to think that my girls might not want to have anything to do with me because I'm not there, but more than that, I worry that I'm missing out on them growing up, missing out on moments that will never come again.
That's the difficult part, but there is a wonderful and memorable part, and that's the internal shakeup that has happened directly because I'm on my own. Many things about my way of thinking have changed, the way I view just about every aspect of my life has been affected in some way with this lifestyle change, and I'm loving it. I feel more alive, like I can do anything, but more than that, I feel the freedom to do anything I set my mind to, with no restrictions from anyone else to tie me down, and keep me from being successful. Things are going well at work, and soon I hope to attain one of my goals, which is to become part of the stock crew. Away from work, I've developed a few new friendships, and become even closer with a few I already had, and I've also been able to curb my obsessions, I've started to learn some control, and I couldn't be happier.
A few of my goals for the coming months are to further develop my new thought process, and to make strides in the aspect of my trying to look for explanations for everything, that's something I need to do a lot less. Sometimes things defy explanation, and I need to work on not always assuming that there MUST be a reason for every little thing that happens. It's the double edged sword of my emotional/analytical brain, first I feel about things, then I try to work out why a particular circumstance happened, and then come up with a likely scenario to follow. It's just the way this brain works folks, don't ask me where it came from. I just know that a little more flexibility would do me wonders. Just because my brain processes information into neat little boxes, that doesn't mean that the rest of the universe can and should be contained as such.
Well that's enough for one night, I'll see everyone again soon, when I will start posting the 30 Days of Truth posts again, I haven't done that in a week or so now. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and I will talk to you soon!
I haven't been writing again, and all I can say is that I haven't felt like it. I've said several times in former posts that I wanted to write every day, but I never seem to be able to find the words to put on "paper". I'm just going to say now that I'm just going to write whenever I feel I need to, because that's what I do anyway, no matter what I might have said a week ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My goal I think in writing should be one that is not only attainable, but is something that doesn't feel like a "goal" per se, but more of a lifestyle. Or at least something that becomes a part of a lifestyle. All I really want to do is get my thoughts out, in a permanent form, and I want to write a book, several in fact, all that's needed is the motivation.
See, this year has been especially difficult for me, but yet at the same time it's been one of the most memorable and wonderful years of my life at the same time. How? Well, for starters, and this is the "Reader's Digest" version, I left my wife, moved in with some friends of mine an hour away, got a new job, and basically tried to start a new life, living more or less on my own for the first time in my life. Every aspect of my life changed, but then some things stayed the same, like the way I thought, my mind, most of that didn't change much at all until recently. It's been difficult to be away from my daughters, and to see them only on occasion, and when I do, to see how my absence has affected their psyche, and to see the changes in them due to the influence of their mother and grandmother, I don't know, I just feel like I'm losing them. I know they still love me, but more and more now I see that they are getting used to me being gone, and they are not the same as I remember them. It's almost like sometimes they are happy I'm gone. My oldest cries every time I leave to come back here, but as far as the other two, I don't know, it could be that their minds are being poisoned by their mother, who of course is not happy with me, and so then too neither is their grandmother. But I'm not there to see it, I really don't know what they're telling them. So I can't pass judgement. Well yes I can, I know them well enough to know that they ARE in fact telling the girls about how "bad" I am, or maybe how "worthless", who knows? Anyway it just bothers me to think that my girls might not want to have anything to do with me because I'm not there, but more than that, I worry that I'm missing out on them growing up, missing out on moments that will never come again.
That's the difficult part, but there is a wonderful and memorable part, and that's the internal shakeup that has happened directly because I'm on my own. Many things about my way of thinking have changed, the way I view just about every aspect of my life has been affected in some way with this lifestyle change, and I'm loving it. I feel more alive, like I can do anything, but more than that, I feel the freedom to do anything I set my mind to, with no restrictions from anyone else to tie me down, and keep me from being successful. Things are going well at work, and soon I hope to attain one of my goals, which is to become part of the stock crew. Away from work, I've developed a few new friendships, and become even closer with a few I already had, and I've also been able to curb my obsessions, I've started to learn some control, and I couldn't be happier.
A few of my goals for the coming months are to further develop my new thought process, and to make strides in the aspect of my trying to look for explanations for everything, that's something I need to do a lot less. Sometimes things defy explanation, and I need to work on not always assuming that there MUST be a reason for every little thing that happens. It's the double edged sword of my emotional/analytical brain, first I feel about things, then I try to work out why a particular circumstance happened, and then come up with a likely scenario to follow. It's just the way this brain works folks, don't ask me where it came from. I just know that a little more flexibility would do me wonders. Just because my brain processes information into neat little boxes, that doesn't mean that the rest of the universe can and should be contained as such.
Well that's enough for one night, I'll see everyone again soon, when I will start posting the 30 Days of Truth posts again, I haven't done that in a week or so now. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and I will talk to you soon!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
How I think......Men vs. Women
Hi folks, I hope everyone's Winter Solstice/Lunar Eclipse night went well :)
I've been away from blogging again, and this time all I can say is that I just didn't feel like writing about what I was thinking. As is the norm, I've been going over and over in my mind things that are happening, gaining fresh perspectives, and in the case of recent events, gaining a completely new thought process.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever written about, because it will expose what goes on in my mind, the part of me that no one else but me can see, and I guess that makes me feel a little vulnerable, I don't know if I want anyone to see those parts of me, my innermost thoughts, because I don't want to look like some kind of freak. But I'd rather get it out than to try to cover it up, it's too big of a deal to me, and if I don't write about it, it's just going to eat at me until I do, so here goes.......
For as long as I can remember, at least since I was pubescent, I have always treated women differently in my thoughts than I did men. I don't know if it is partially due to genetic programming, or my upbringing, but regardless of the reasons, when I interact with a woman, or think about a woman, my thoughts are completely different than they are about men. I mentioned in a post not too long ago about the duality of my thoughts, and that's when it hit me, in addition to having a few discussions with a few friends. It's not a duality of thought, it's a completely different thought process between the sexes. With men, I feel little in the way of emotions, I care little for how they take what I say or do, I figure "it's a dude, he can handle it". I can be talking to a man, stranger or friend, and I'm completely logical, with very little in the way of an emotional filter, I don't base my thoughts or actions in the fear of how he will feel about me. But have a woman, any woman, walk up and start conversing with me, and it's like someone flipped a switch, I become a completely different person. All of a sudden, here comes the emotion, I care very deeply about what she thinks, my whole persona changes. My friend at work described it as me turning into a pushover, or "doormat", and my thought was "wet noodle". It's complicated but yet so simple. The thoughts are hard to describe, and since I've done it for so long, it's become "normal" for me, it never even entered my mind that all men don't think the same way when it involves the opposite sex. I even had the idea that I "love" all women, and apparently that was nothing more than my deep rooted concern for women to like me, even love me, every one of them that I interacted with I would be silently sizing up for compatibility. Every single one, and it didn't matter if they were single, married, older, younger, nothing changed the thought process, all I could do is see them as a potential mate. Granted, there are exceptions, but you get the idea. Imagine living your life where every member of the opposite sex is sized up for opportunities to make them your mate, every interaction is processed with intricate detail, every nuance of body language and conversation is analyzed with excruciating precision to wring every last ounce of emotional signals from it, some of it done unconsciously, but most of it consciously, to ensure that this particular person likes you and the interaction goes well. That's the gist of it, every single time, every woman, no one is left out, and up until about a week ago I didn't even realize I was doing it.
Think about men, think one way. Think about women, and it's almost like I am a different person. That's who I am. Two extremes, with no balance. As you can imagine, having that thought process also means that all the people I consider to be my closest friends are women, not men. There's just no emotional attachment to men. And to treat a woman like she's "one of the guys"? Never. I can't do it. All the emotion is on one side, with women, and the men get little to none, only logic, effect follows cause, and therein lies my solution to this problem.
All I have to do is balance the equation, to see everyone in my mind equally, regardless of gender. It's really simple "on paper". In practice, I've found it a little more difficult. I have told myself countless times already to treat everyone the same, and even gone so far as to try to see if I could think about the women as if they were men, and it's having an effect. I'm seeing how the thought process makes my actions and what I say completely different, I'm learning to allay any fears of what someone thinks, I'm losing that thought process of worry, the constant craving for female attention. If it really doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me, if everyone is treated the same in my basic thought processes, then I can finally be free to be my true self to everyone. Up until now, only the men got to see that. I was really that worried, my thoughts were so ingrained to that mentality that most if not all women have never truly met "Me". And that's also why I'm finding this subject so hard to write about, I'm worried that once the women know how I've thought in my mind, that they will hate me, and see me as some kind of pervert or something. That's not who I am, and I needn't worry, but the thoughts creep in nonetheless.
So to put it all together, I know now what has been my achilles heel. I know why I do what I do, I know what makes me "tick". My personal interactions have always baffled me, I could never get a grip on why I did some of the insane things I did that defied logic, and now I know why, it's because there was no logic to be found when it came to thinking about and interacting with women. All the emotion was on their "side", all the logic on the side with the men. To give myself balance, I need to therefore put both together with all people, with no segregation, and I have made conscious efforts to do just that. It won't change overnight, but with practice I'm confident I will emerge a different person altogether, more secure, and most importantly, more balanced. I'm giving men more emotional consideration, and women more logic.
The way I've presented this is not completely the way it all works in my mind, I can't really explain all the specifics, but this has been the condensed version of the process as it works. There have been many instances where I have used emotional thinking with men, and logical thinking with women, but for the vast majority of time, it's been like I've said here. I don't know how I'll come out in the end, but as the saying goes, "the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes".
I've been away from blogging again, and this time all I can say is that I just didn't feel like writing about what I was thinking. As is the norm, I've been going over and over in my mind things that are happening, gaining fresh perspectives, and in the case of recent events, gaining a completely new thought process.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever written about, because it will expose what goes on in my mind, the part of me that no one else but me can see, and I guess that makes me feel a little vulnerable, I don't know if I want anyone to see those parts of me, my innermost thoughts, because I don't want to look like some kind of freak. But I'd rather get it out than to try to cover it up, it's too big of a deal to me, and if I don't write about it, it's just going to eat at me until I do, so here goes.......
For as long as I can remember, at least since I was pubescent, I have always treated women differently in my thoughts than I did men. I don't know if it is partially due to genetic programming, or my upbringing, but regardless of the reasons, when I interact with a woman, or think about a woman, my thoughts are completely different than they are about men. I mentioned in a post not too long ago about the duality of my thoughts, and that's when it hit me, in addition to having a few discussions with a few friends. It's not a duality of thought, it's a completely different thought process between the sexes. With men, I feel little in the way of emotions, I care little for how they take what I say or do, I figure "it's a dude, he can handle it". I can be talking to a man, stranger or friend, and I'm completely logical, with very little in the way of an emotional filter, I don't base my thoughts or actions in the fear of how he will feel about me. But have a woman, any woman, walk up and start conversing with me, and it's like someone flipped a switch, I become a completely different person. All of a sudden, here comes the emotion, I care very deeply about what she thinks, my whole persona changes. My friend at work described it as me turning into a pushover, or "doormat", and my thought was "wet noodle". It's complicated but yet so simple. The thoughts are hard to describe, and since I've done it for so long, it's become "normal" for me, it never even entered my mind that all men don't think the same way when it involves the opposite sex. I even had the idea that I "love" all women, and apparently that was nothing more than my deep rooted concern for women to like me, even love me, every one of them that I interacted with I would be silently sizing up for compatibility. Every single one, and it didn't matter if they were single, married, older, younger, nothing changed the thought process, all I could do is see them as a potential mate. Granted, there are exceptions, but you get the idea. Imagine living your life where every member of the opposite sex is sized up for opportunities to make them your mate, every interaction is processed with intricate detail, every nuance of body language and conversation is analyzed with excruciating precision to wring every last ounce of emotional signals from it, some of it done unconsciously, but most of it consciously, to ensure that this particular person likes you and the interaction goes well. That's the gist of it, every single time, every woman, no one is left out, and up until about a week ago I didn't even realize I was doing it.
Think about men, think one way. Think about women, and it's almost like I am a different person. That's who I am. Two extremes, with no balance. As you can imagine, having that thought process also means that all the people I consider to be my closest friends are women, not men. There's just no emotional attachment to men. And to treat a woman like she's "one of the guys"? Never. I can't do it. All the emotion is on one side, with women, and the men get little to none, only logic, effect follows cause, and therein lies my solution to this problem.
All I have to do is balance the equation, to see everyone in my mind equally, regardless of gender. It's really simple "on paper". In practice, I've found it a little more difficult. I have told myself countless times already to treat everyone the same, and even gone so far as to try to see if I could think about the women as if they were men, and it's having an effect. I'm seeing how the thought process makes my actions and what I say completely different, I'm learning to allay any fears of what someone thinks, I'm losing that thought process of worry, the constant craving for female attention. If it really doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me, if everyone is treated the same in my basic thought processes, then I can finally be free to be my true self to everyone. Up until now, only the men got to see that. I was really that worried, my thoughts were so ingrained to that mentality that most if not all women have never truly met "Me". And that's also why I'm finding this subject so hard to write about, I'm worried that once the women know how I've thought in my mind, that they will hate me, and see me as some kind of pervert or something. That's not who I am, and I needn't worry, but the thoughts creep in nonetheless.
So to put it all together, I know now what has been my achilles heel. I know why I do what I do, I know what makes me "tick". My personal interactions have always baffled me, I could never get a grip on why I did some of the insane things I did that defied logic, and now I know why, it's because there was no logic to be found when it came to thinking about and interacting with women. All the emotion was on their "side", all the logic on the side with the men. To give myself balance, I need to therefore put both together with all people, with no segregation, and I have made conscious efforts to do just that. It won't change overnight, but with practice I'm confident I will emerge a different person altogether, more secure, and most importantly, more balanced. I'm giving men more emotional consideration, and women more logic.
The way I've presented this is not completely the way it all works in my mind, I can't really explain all the specifics, but this has been the condensed version of the process as it works. There have been many instances where I have used emotional thinking with men, and logical thinking with women, but for the vast majority of time, it's been like I've said here. I don't know how I'll come out in the end, but as the saying goes, "the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes".
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