I apologize for my long absence, it's been a very busy couple of months for me.
2 months ago, due to financial reasons, I made a move, well, twice actually.
I didn't have enough money coming in to afford to pay rent, so I left Florida, and ended up in Arizona.
To make a very long story short, I was forced to stay with my parents for about a month, and then I made a decision.
I decided that all the things I did in the last 3 years had taught me something.
I should have never left my home and family to start with.
I feel like I NEEDED to leave for a time though, to gain a fresh perspective, and to learn a few life lessons on how to be a good husband and father......and I never wanted to hurt anyone, even though I did, but the healing process has begun.
I am now back with my wife and children, and I'm happy again.
Life is very busy, so I will not be able to post as often, but I will try.
I hope everyone is doing well, and hope to see you soon. :)
Friday, April 12, 2013
Thursday, December 20, 2012
My decisions, how poor they have been.....
It's been almost another whole month since I last posted, and my last post, well, it wasn't one of my best.
I just read it again, and all I can say is that it was a rant, me blaming everybody but myself for my situation.
The fact is, everything that has ever "happened" to me, has happened because I made a decision to LET it happen.
I'm willing to admit the fact that many of my decisions in life have been pretty poor ones. I've had 2, no, 3, GREAT jobs, all of which could have been awesome careers, and each time I had one of those jobs, I made a poor decision and ended up losing the job.
Then, I'd get my head on straight for a while, and try and make something else happen, and things would go great for a while, but then, every time, I'd make some stupid ass decision that would make it all come unraveled.
I'm realizing more and more that my life is exactly as I've made it. My situation right now for instance. I have NO money, since now, I have a child support payment. I have had to try to find other means of income to compensate for it, and I had one opportunity that would have turned out really well, both for my schedule, and financially, but, due to my poor decision making, it didn't work out. So a lot of things are still very much in "survival" mode at this point, but it's all due to decisions that *I* made, whether recently, or even, let's say, almost 3 years ago.
I was the one who decided to leave. I was the one who decided to move away, and then to more or less become a hermit. I have very little communication with any human being outside of work. I don't have money to go out and do things with anyone, as I used to, but that's not an excuse, because there again, it is all because of decisions that *I* myself made in the beginning, but did nothing to compensate for the inevitable loss of income when the child support payments ensued.
The one thing I can say right now is that I feel very isolated, very alone. Makes sense though, since I've not reached out to anyone to communicate on a daily basis, I mean, I have really only one real friend. And that's all my fault, not anyone else's. My decisions, my consequences.
If it sounds like I'm beating myself up, yeah, maybe a little. I can't say I'm too proud of myself for going 41 years on this same train, 3 times screwing up the same way, and getting the same results, but changing nothing. But, I guess it takes a little more to get me to see the obvious. Now, it's a different type of situation, but looking back on all the events that led up to it, I can see I've been making these poor decisions all my life.
So, what to do? Well, first things first, stop making the same decisions. You want to know what the worst one is? Drinking. Yes, I've calmed it down from what I did when I was younger. I used to drink a 12 pack a day, every day. Now, I just do it on the days I have off from work. 2 days a week, I get drunk. And then I'm basically out of it for the entire NEXT day while I "recover". Stupid, right? I'm not late for or miss work from it, which lost me 2 of those jobs I mentioned earlier, but, the person I am when I drink is even worse at making decisions, and I have said and done things that I am not proud of. So, that's the first thing to go.
There's more to it than that, but you get the gist. Poor decisions, bringing on a life that I am not satisfied with.
I am not happy.
I left the situation in Tennessee because I wasn't happy, and coming to Florida held the promise of me being happy. I am happy with where I live, the town I mean, but I'm not happy with much else.
And now I am fully aware, no one can change that but me.
Oh, and one more thing. It's a REALLY poor decision to do things because someone else you know likes them, or be something you aren't because you think someone else won't like you if you don't. I've done that twice now, and neither time did things turn out where I was happy. You aren't them, you can't be happy living the life THEY live, you have to do your own thing. Just saying.
I just read it again, and all I can say is that it was a rant, me blaming everybody but myself for my situation.
The fact is, everything that has ever "happened" to me, has happened because I made a decision to LET it happen.
I'm willing to admit the fact that many of my decisions in life have been pretty poor ones. I've had 2, no, 3, GREAT jobs, all of which could have been awesome careers, and each time I had one of those jobs, I made a poor decision and ended up losing the job.
Then, I'd get my head on straight for a while, and try and make something else happen, and things would go great for a while, but then, every time, I'd make some stupid ass decision that would make it all come unraveled.
I'm realizing more and more that my life is exactly as I've made it. My situation right now for instance. I have NO money, since now, I have a child support payment. I have had to try to find other means of income to compensate for it, and I had one opportunity that would have turned out really well, both for my schedule, and financially, but, due to my poor decision making, it didn't work out. So a lot of things are still very much in "survival" mode at this point, but it's all due to decisions that *I* made, whether recently, or even, let's say, almost 3 years ago.
I was the one who decided to leave. I was the one who decided to move away, and then to more or less become a hermit. I have very little communication with any human being outside of work. I don't have money to go out and do things with anyone, as I used to, but that's not an excuse, because there again, it is all because of decisions that *I* myself made in the beginning, but did nothing to compensate for the inevitable loss of income when the child support payments ensued.
The one thing I can say right now is that I feel very isolated, very alone. Makes sense though, since I've not reached out to anyone to communicate on a daily basis, I mean, I have really only one real friend. And that's all my fault, not anyone else's. My decisions, my consequences.
If it sounds like I'm beating myself up, yeah, maybe a little. I can't say I'm too proud of myself for going 41 years on this same train, 3 times screwing up the same way, and getting the same results, but changing nothing. But, I guess it takes a little more to get me to see the obvious. Now, it's a different type of situation, but looking back on all the events that led up to it, I can see I've been making these poor decisions all my life.
So, what to do? Well, first things first, stop making the same decisions. You want to know what the worst one is? Drinking. Yes, I've calmed it down from what I did when I was younger. I used to drink a 12 pack a day, every day. Now, I just do it on the days I have off from work. 2 days a week, I get drunk. And then I'm basically out of it for the entire NEXT day while I "recover". Stupid, right? I'm not late for or miss work from it, which lost me 2 of those jobs I mentioned earlier, but, the person I am when I drink is even worse at making decisions, and I have said and done things that I am not proud of. So, that's the first thing to go.
There's more to it than that, but you get the gist. Poor decisions, bringing on a life that I am not satisfied with.
I am not happy.
I left the situation in Tennessee because I wasn't happy, and coming to Florida held the promise of me being happy. I am happy with where I live, the town I mean, but I'm not happy with much else.
And now I am fully aware, no one can change that but me.
Oh, and one more thing. It's a REALLY poor decision to do things because someone else you know likes them, or be something you aren't because you think someone else won't like you if you don't. I've done that twice now, and neither time did things turn out where I was happy. You aren't them, you can't be happy living the life THEY live, you have to do your own thing. Just saying.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Broken Promises.......
It's been a long time since I posted, I know......
I can't tell you why, or, should I say, I'd rather not.....
Life is busy for me, right now, and I don't have the time to post every day, and it's funny, I promised to do so every day......that's the funny part...it's funny how a lifetime works....
Just as soon as you promise something, there's something else that comes along to screw up that promise, like it's meant to be, like it's the catalyst for a challenge in one's life. Everything seems "normal", you say you can do something, and out of the blue, something happens to make it where you cannot fulfill your promise. I don't see that as a coincidence.
I was going to write a book....I was going to make a good amount of money, things were going to be great, but, fate stepped in, and things worked out to where none of that happened. It's hilarious to me, how we humans seem to not notice how that works. Always, when we make plans, we see how happy things are going to be, and then, BAM, everything goes sour. In an instant.
We live these lives thinking it's all random, there's not a control mechanism at hand, but what if, just, what if, there *IS*?
No, it's all about learning. We learn through adversity. Everything can seem to be going right, and then something happens to make it *NOT* all right, and our world turns to shit.
We learn from it, but, in my case, what I have learned is that there are no good things scheduled for my life, without a good measure of the "not good" going hand in hand. I can't have a happy, normal life, where I have the fucking money to pay my bills, and be ok. No, that's too much to ask.
In the grand scheme of things, I am made to suffer through the non ability to provide for myself, let alone anyone else, it's how the "system" works.
I am doomed to a life where I get to learn what it's like to disappoint the ones I love over and over again, and not be able to follow up on my promises, even when it seems it's a sure thing.
I'm done with it, I'll learn what I have to learn, but I am done making promises. Obviously, there's not a chance in hell I will be able to follow up on them.
I won't make any more promises, because I hate disappointing those I love.
Let life happen as it will, if I end up broke, and alone, so be it.
It's better than disappointing those I love.
End of story......
I can't tell you why, or, should I say, I'd rather not.....
Life is busy for me, right now, and I don't have the time to post every day, and it's funny, I promised to do so every day......that's the funny part...it's funny how a lifetime works....
Just as soon as you promise something, there's something else that comes along to screw up that promise, like it's meant to be, like it's the catalyst for a challenge in one's life. Everything seems "normal", you say you can do something, and out of the blue, something happens to make it where you cannot fulfill your promise. I don't see that as a coincidence.
I was going to write a book....I was going to make a good amount of money, things were going to be great, but, fate stepped in, and things worked out to where none of that happened. It's hilarious to me, how we humans seem to not notice how that works. Always, when we make plans, we see how happy things are going to be, and then, BAM, everything goes sour. In an instant.
We live these lives thinking it's all random, there's not a control mechanism at hand, but what if, just, what if, there *IS*?
No, it's all about learning. We learn through adversity. Everything can seem to be going right, and then something happens to make it *NOT* all right, and our world turns to shit.
We learn from it, but, in my case, what I have learned is that there are no good things scheduled for my life, without a good measure of the "not good" going hand in hand. I can't have a happy, normal life, where I have the fucking money to pay my bills, and be ok. No, that's too much to ask.
In the grand scheme of things, I am made to suffer through the non ability to provide for myself, let alone anyone else, it's how the "system" works.
I am doomed to a life where I get to learn what it's like to disappoint the ones I love over and over again, and not be able to follow up on my promises, even when it seems it's a sure thing.
I'm done with it, I'll learn what I have to learn, but I am done making promises. Obviously, there's not a chance in hell I will be able to follow up on them.
I won't make any more promises, because I hate disappointing those I love.
Let life happen as it will, if I end up broke, and alone, so be it.
It's better than disappointing those I love.
End of story......
Sunday, November 4, 2012
And...writing some more....
Hi friends, it's been a day, like all other days, well, except for the fact that I'm writing a novel.
It's pretty well taken over my thought process. Well, that, and making sure I post every day here on my blog.
I am making a commitment to committing to things, and sticking with them.
And the NaNoWriMo challenge is part of that. But even if I didn't have that, I'd still be committed to writing here on my blog.
The funny thing is, it's becoming less of a commitment, and more of a way of life. It's just what I do, now, I go to work, I come home, and I write, here, on my blog, and I write my novel.
I think that's the way it's supposed to work out though, that's how "they", whoever they are, train you to always be writing. They give you a monthly challenge, and then, if you are dedicated and committed to it, you find yourself doing it as a habit, and then, it's no longer a challenge. You just do it as a way of life, and that's what it seems I'm doing.
I wrote 1,905 words today on my novel, still ahead of the goal of 1,667 per day. I intend to keep it that way, and if my instinct is correct, I have a feeling that within the next few days, or perhaps a week, I will be writing more than double that each day, because by then, it will be a habit.
I'm writing, and writing more, and again, writing more. It is what I do, it's what I am, and I'm pretty happy about it.
I hope all of you have a great day doing what it is that YOU do.
It's pretty well taken over my thought process. Well, that, and making sure I post every day here on my blog.
I am making a commitment to committing to things, and sticking with them.
And the NaNoWriMo challenge is part of that. But even if I didn't have that, I'd still be committed to writing here on my blog.
The funny thing is, it's becoming less of a commitment, and more of a way of life. It's just what I do, now, I go to work, I come home, and I write, here, on my blog, and I write my novel.
I think that's the way it's supposed to work out though, that's how "they", whoever they are, train you to always be writing. They give you a monthly challenge, and then, if you are dedicated and committed to it, you find yourself doing it as a habit, and then, it's no longer a challenge. You just do it as a way of life, and that's what it seems I'm doing.
I wrote 1,905 words today on my novel, still ahead of the goal of 1,667 per day. I intend to keep it that way, and if my instinct is correct, I have a feeling that within the next few days, or perhaps a week, I will be writing more than double that each day, because by then, it will be a habit.
I'm writing, and writing more, and again, writing more. It is what I do, it's what I am, and I'm pretty happy about it.
I hope all of you have a great day doing what it is that YOU do.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Writing, writing, writing....
Hi folks. Just a short and sweet post tonight, I got up later than usual, and now I don't have the time to really get into anything deep lol.
I wrote more of my novel today, and I'm on track to finish it by the 28th. That's the beauty of writing more than the "required" 1,667 words per day. But that's not what it's all about. I am really enjoying just the writing, it feels like I am just typing the words, and the book is writing itself.
I was talking to a friend about it today, and came up with a great idea for the beginning of the third chapter, that should change the dynamic of the book in a way I've not seen done very often. But time will tell, by the time I get to that point in writing it, things may change.
So that's about it for today, I've got to go and get ready for work now.
Have a pleasant evening everyone, and I will talk to you again tomorrow!
I wrote more of my novel today, and I'm on track to finish it by the 28th. That's the beauty of writing more than the "required" 1,667 words per day. But that's not what it's all about. I am really enjoying just the writing, it feels like I am just typing the words, and the book is writing itself.
I was talking to a friend about it today, and came up with a great idea for the beginning of the third chapter, that should change the dynamic of the book in a way I've not seen done very often. But time will tell, by the time I get to that point in writing it, things may change.
So that's about it for today, I've got to go and get ready for work now.
Have a pleasant evening everyone, and I will talk to you again tomorrow!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
NaNoWriMo!
Hi folks! I wanted to tell you a little more about my latest challenge I got myself into, NaNoWriMo.
It's a lot like NaBloWriMo, where you write every day, but this is about writing a book. A 50,000 word novel, a work of fiction, in 30 days. It doesn't necessarily have to be finished, but the goal is to write 50,000 words of it. To do that, you need to write at least 1,667 words per day. Well, today, I am proud to say, I wrote 1,843 of them!
And, they have a neat widget, that you can see on my sidebar over there, that shows your progress as you go along, so even if I don't mention it, you can see how far I've gotten in meeting the goal!
I really want to see this challenge through, and I want to try to keep writing after it's done. I think that having a time limit is a real motivation to get it done. And, I wanted to see if I could in fact write a novel, as it's something of a dream of mine, that I've had for a while now, but I never have tried to do it.
So, wish me luck, and, if you want to check out more about what NaNoWriMo is all about, and try it yourself, it's easy. Just go to www.nanowrimo.org, and see!
Have a great night folks!
It's a lot like NaBloWriMo, where you write every day, but this is about writing a book. A 50,000 word novel, a work of fiction, in 30 days. It doesn't necessarily have to be finished, but the goal is to write 50,000 words of it. To do that, you need to write at least 1,667 words per day. Well, today, I am proud to say, I wrote 1,843 of them!
And, they have a neat widget, that you can see on my sidebar over there, that shows your progress as you go along, so even if I don't mention it, you can see how far I've gotten in meeting the goal!
I really want to see this challenge through, and I want to try to keep writing after it's done. I think that having a time limit is a real motivation to get it done. And, I wanted to see if I could in fact write a novel, as it's something of a dream of mine, that I've had for a while now, but I never have tried to do it.
So, wish me luck, and, if you want to check out more about what NaNoWriMo is all about, and try it yourself, it's easy. Just go to www.nanowrimo.org, and see!
Have a great night folks!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Day 31: Happy Halloween/Happy Samhain!
Well this is it, the last day of NaBloWriMo, I did it, I posted every single day!
I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween, or Samhain, whichever you celebrate!
Tomorrow starts something new for me, I'm going to attempt the NaNoWriMo challenge.....that's right, I'm going to try to write a novel!
NaNoWriMo works a lot like NaBloWriMo, you have to write a 50,000 word novel in one month, the month of November. I'm still going to post here on my blog as well, but writing a novel, wow, well, that's going to be a challenge!
I think I can do it, and time will tell, but either way, I'm going to try.
I'll post more about it tomorrow, but for now, everyone just wish me luck!
I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween, or Samhain, whichever you celebrate!
Tomorrow starts something new for me, I'm going to attempt the NaNoWriMo challenge.....that's right, I'm going to try to write a novel!
NaNoWriMo works a lot like NaBloWriMo, you have to write a 50,000 word novel in one month, the month of November. I'm still going to post here on my blog as well, but writing a novel, wow, well, that's going to be a challenge!
I think I can do it, and time will tell, but either way, I'm going to try.
I'll post more about it tomorrow, but for now, everyone just wish me luck!
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