Saturday, January 22, 2011

30 Days of Truth, Day 13

This post is supposed to be a letter to an artist or band that has gotten me through some tough days, and while I can say I use music to process emotions sometimes, more often than not these days I hardly listen to music at all, except for one band, whose name is Apocalyptica. They are unique in that they are a "metal" band, but they play cellos, a traditionally classical music instrument. If you've never heard of them, here's the Wikipedia article, and if you'd like to hear one of their songs, you can find it here on Youtube. Keep in mind when you listen that the sounds you are hearing are being played by cellos, a double bass, and a set of drums, and nothing else. I find them amazing, and I think you will too.

Dear Apocalyptica:

I wanted to write and tell you how your music has inspired me. I've never heard music of that type come from an instrument that is mainly used in a classical music playing orchestra. Your sound is amazing. Before I ever heard your music, I had a love for the sound a cello makes, but now, I can't listen to your music enough. It gives me energy, makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. If I'm feeling down, I just listen to "Somewhere Around Nothing" and I always feel better. That's saying something for a song with no lyrics. There haven't been many artists that I can say that about, but you are one of them. I have had a desire to learn how to play the cello myself for many years, but hearing your music has made that desire become much stronger now, as your style of music is what I wish to learn to play. Thank you for showing me that music like that is really possible.

Thank you for creating such wonderful sounds, and for giving your gift of music to the world.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

30 Days of Truth, Day 12

"Something you never get compliments on.."

I don't know really, I don't get complimented much as it is, so to say there is something I never get complimented on is an oxymoron. If I were to break these compliments down into categories, most I've gotten would have to do with my intellectual or diagnostic abilities, very rarely if ever are they anything else. So, therefore, the something I never get complimented on would be everything else about me. But am I bitter about it? Do I sit at home and cry and mope because I'm not being showered with compliments and praise? No, of course not, but is that what this is all about? Are we supposed to be challenging ourselves in this post to find something WE think is a good trait about ourselves, but no one else seems to notice? Hmmm, interesting. Nope, got nothing. Sorry. All of me is just fine without having others tell me that it's nice, or handsome, or cool. I know I am just like I should be, so I don't have to have anyone tell me so. Ok, so I guess that's it. See you on day 13....

Before I post.....I wanted to say..

I'm finally getting back to the "30 days" posts, but before I do that, I wanted to say.....

I wish I could convey to you, my reader, how recent events have changed me. I don't even know what to write about, my views on this life, the path that I've chosen, it's just too much for words. You would really just have to experience it. Just like you are experiencing your own life, your own chosen path. I can't begin to understand what that must be like for you, because each of us has a unique perspective on everything we experience. The sheer number of possibilities of existence are just staggering, we could go on living lives for centuries more and not have the exact same life ever occur even once. Isn't that amazing? It just goes to prove to me how precious a thing it is to have this physical existence, this one is unique, never to be repeated. The ones before and the ones after were not and will not be anything like this one. It makes living THIS life the most important thing in the universe to me. Everything that happens I believe has a reason, there are no accidents or coincidences. So every moment of my life now has new meaning, and I have a sense of peace and happiness that can only come from knowing that there is a reason even for "bad" things happening. Usually it means the end of something good, so something better can come along. That's my belief anyway.

Now, on to my next "30 days" post.......

Friday, January 14, 2011

Not the Beginning

I've not posted in about a week, because I've been doing some thinking, and I actually started to write 2 different posts, neither of which I intend to publish, because I was merely trying to hash things out in my mind.

When I last posted, I was enjoying the newness of communicating with lots of new friends, and along with it, a thought began to emerge. It is more or less the idea that I really do need to have my OWN life, with me doing things like I want to do them, being my own person. No matter how many times I've been told about it, or read things about being one's own person, it never really sank in. But now things are different.

This isn't really the beginning of my new life, that was back when I moved out a little over 9 months ago. This is the beginning of my understanding of it, of what it means to have my own life. To create for myself. This is not new by any stretch of the imagination. I've been doing it, I just didn't KNOW I was doing it. The difference now is that I'm embracing it, and getting going with making something out of the life I've chosen.

Over the past weekend I did some clutter cleaning, and got rid of a lot of things from my past, my recent past, what I call the "second phase" of my life. The first phase was of course my childhood, up to age 18, and the second phase was the time from age 18 till about age 38. I threw away a lot of things I didn't need, things I held onto because I thought I WOULD need them, and then they were thrown in a box somewhere never to be thought of again. I felt like I was finally letting the past become the past, and forging on into the future.

I don't feel I have to answer to anyone, which is the biggest change of mind I've had in a while. Sure I still have responsibilities like everyone else, but the difference now is that I don't look at it as me having to do something because someone else told me to. That's too "second phase" for me to use it now. I'm using my own head, thinking with my own brain, and doing what I feel is best suited for each particular situation. I read a quote recently that said something along the lines of "all the answers you need are in your heart already, you just need to find them". It rings true to me, it tells me that I already know what I need and want to do, what the right things are to say, what actions are right for me to take. All I have to do is listen to myself, and then act accordingly. Someone very dear to me once said "What you need will be found, once you learn how to seek", and I believe that I've begun to learn how to seek.

I truly believe that each of us has the answers to the questions we have inside of us. Not the questions that require information, such as how to replace the alternator on your car, or the hard drive in your laptop. No, what I'm talking about is the questions about who you are, why you feel what you feel, and what the purpose of your life is. Other questions pertain to relationships, what you are looking for, what you need, and what you want to give. If you think about it, any question about your relationship to another person can be answered in your own heart. Granted, you might not have the information about their feelings for you, but you DO know about how you will react to whatever feelings they give you. You decide how you will feel, and you know what you will become given a particular set of circumstances. No one "makes" you do anything, and no one but you decides what you will do.

I've decided to listen to myself, my subconscious self, and do what I feel is right for me. Up until now I was doing my best to get anyone else I could talk to to give me the answers, to tell me what I should do. I've looked for answers in everyone else but myself, and the answer has always been, "do what you want to do", "it's up to you", "I can't tell you that, you have to decide". Out of fear of the unknown, or maybe the fear of appearing like an idiot or being wrong, I tried to make everyone else responsible for making decisions for me.

I had asked my guides to tell me which direction to go, to give me information, I wanted a shortcut. But there are no easy answers, this life is for living, and we as the physical presence here have to be the ones to do the living. No one can tell you how it's going to play out, because they don't know, that's the real kicker. If you believe in a spirit guide, and have been blessed with the chance to talk to one of them, as I have, you may find that their information is often vague and cryptic. You may have read stories about others' encounters with spirit guides, and found the same theme. They don't give straight answers to problems, they don't point to exact solutions, because in truth, I believe they don't know. It's your life to live, your decisions to make, and what you will think and do have so many possibilities that there's no way to reliably predict the outcome. That's why they are called "guides", and not "dictators". You are the only person who can chart your course, all the information you need is indeed buried deep in your mind, in your heart, if you are able to quiet down and listen to it. Your guides are only there to brief you on the possible outcomes, given the present information. Have you ever had a tarot reading done? Do they give you straight facts, or do they more often than not tell you more about how you feel about a situation? Again, a guide, one who is keenly aware of who's really in charge of your life. YOU.

What I'm trying to say here folks is that it's great to know we are spirits living in physical bodies, here to learn lessons, or whatever it is you may have come here to do, but it's really about living the life you chose, and doing the best you can at being the person you chose to be. Don't know who that person is? Listen to yourself, deep inside, you DO know that person, you know everything about that person. You're the ONLY one who does. Your guides, human, animal, spirit, or otherwise, they don't have the answers for you. Now that I've fully realized and taken to heart what that means, I can say with confidence that this isn't the beginning at all, but rather another step along the path.

Are you walking yours?

P.S. I'm going to get back to posting the rest of the "30 days of truth" posts tomorrow, I stopped on day 11, so there's lots more to come from those. Also, it looks like my move to the position of a full time stocker at work will have to wait a few more months, there are plans from management to get the entire store waxed in the next month, and therefore they are counting on having all the maintenance personnel they have at this time stay where they are. A minor setback, it's just not time yet, and it may not be "time" at all. Never know what opportunities tomorrow may bring. What other jobs may be on the horizon, better paying ones even........I can't wait to see.....

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Things are looking up...

Since I posted the other day, I've made contact with some new friends, interacted with some others, and generally I've just been more social, online, more like I am in the "real" world. I've got to tell you, it's been awesome!

To find that there are people who care, and want to be a part of my life has been amazing. I'm not having the same difficulties as before, I'm going about these relationships in a completely different manner. And I'm finding that having lots of friends who I can talk to is a whole lot better than the incessant search for the "One", which I realize now was what I was all about doing. Every new contact I make teaches me more and more that I don't need to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak, having lots of friends is turning out to be the better alternative. I've shied away from that my whole life up till now, trying to find just one person to share my feelings and day to day life with. I don't have the words for how this has changed my life.

In other news, this weekend I should again get the chance to do some stock work, and I'm excited about that. Hopefully someday soon I will be doing it full time, enough with the 15 miles of walking a night and cleaning the floor!!

Have a great day folks, talk to you soon....

Monday, January 3, 2011

What a year so far.....

I knew this year was going to be different, in a good way different, but I didn't know how SOON it would be different!

Last night was a very eye opening night for me, I learned some things about myself and how I process emotions. I won't go into detail about the circumstances that caused me to learn what I learned, but I can say that I am happy to have had the conversation that opened my eyes to the truth of my mindset. I learned how abnormal my emotional outlook is, or was, and I got some real insight on how to look at things differently, from a much broader perspective. Always looking for that "one and only" was causing me to be "in" love with people that I should just "love", and having a mindset that I wanted that "one" caused me to miss how much so many people cared for me. What's wrong with spreading the love around? I had never seen it that way, why put all my eggs in one basket?

To help me along with this, I was asked to think about the way I look for the compatibility factor in women, and what it meant I was actually doing. I was finding ways to extract emotion from even the most basic, mundane situations, many times where none existed. I was doing that because I was trying to be "in" love, trying to find that bond, which of course, 99.9 percent of the time, isn't there. You don't have to be "in" love with someone to love them, and that's what I was doing, with women. I've already detailed in a previous post about the differences in my thoughts with men and women, so I won't go into that here, but now I've gone a step further, and gotten to the root cause of the problem.

I have been trying to make up for the lack of love I felt I didn't receive from my mother by trying to extract it from all the other women in my life. Literally, extract it. It's called being an emotional vampire. And it's not a good thing. I  have been sucking the love right out of people, trying to fill a void that in reality is a figment of my own imagination, I made that "hole" myself.

So now, I've filled it. Not with anything from anyone else, but from my own thoughts. I don't "need" love from just one person, there are many people that care, and it's my job to care and to love them right back. I'm turning my emotional vacuum cleaner into a blower, returning in kind the caring feelings of others, loving without falling "in" love, because that's what normal people do. They have their own feelings, and they leave other people's feelings alone.

Romantic love has always been a problem for me, and it seems it's because I didn't really know what it was, compared to other forms of love. Now I know the difference. Romantic love is really the most "physical" of all love, it's mainly driven by primal instincts and the need for procreation. I could write a novel here to try to explain that statement, but my point is, I confused most of the other types of love women would show me with romantic interest, and boy, did that get me in a world of trouble. I would perceive romantic love with a person I felt good to be around, and could share intimate thoughts with, and I'd go searching for nuances of their behavior that showed me they felt the same. It's a real conundrum, a cacophony of thought over top of thought, emotional extraction by scalpel, fine tuned adjustments to pinpoint that tiny shred of "oh, she loves me". That's not normal, it's certainly not healthy, for either party involved. Give me a certain smile, a wink, and you're my new girlfriend. Well, not quite to THAT extreme, but pretty darned close. Makes for some interesting problems if more than one woman does it within a short period of time too. Going head over heels "in" love also isn't necessary, not EVERY time, and trust me, whenever I HAVE had women who were interested, I did, and most times, it ruined the relationship.

No one can really know what goes on inside my head, only I can see it all, but what I wanted to show here is that I have found another piece of the puzzle, I found something else that I need to let go of in order to grow, to change, to become more than I am now. And I'm glad.

This year is turning out to be more than I could have ever expected, I can't wait to see what I learn tomorrow!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

New year, new look......same path

It's a new year, the holidays are officially over, so it's time for a change. I took my decorations down, here on my blog at least, and found a layout to suit where I am on my path at the moment.

I'm going to be getting back to the "30 days" posts soon, and I have some other things to discuss, but for now I'm going to enjoy my 3 day weekend, so I can come back fresh next week.

Happy New Year to you all, be safe, and talk to you soon!