Monday, January 3, 2011

What a year so far.....

I knew this year was going to be different, in a good way different, but I didn't know how SOON it would be different!

Last night was a very eye opening night for me, I learned some things about myself and how I process emotions. I won't go into detail about the circumstances that caused me to learn what I learned, but I can say that I am happy to have had the conversation that opened my eyes to the truth of my mindset. I learned how abnormal my emotional outlook is, or was, and I got some real insight on how to look at things differently, from a much broader perspective. Always looking for that "one and only" was causing me to be "in" love with people that I should just "love", and having a mindset that I wanted that "one" caused me to miss how much so many people cared for me. What's wrong with spreading the love around? I had never seen it that way, why put all my eggs in one basket?

To help me along with this, I was asked to think about the way I look for the compatibility factor in women, and what it meant I was actually doing. I was finding ways to extract emotion from even the most basic, mundane situations, many times where none existed. I was doing that because I was trying to be "in" love, trying to find that bond, which of course, 99.9 percent of the time, isn't there. You don't have to be "in" love with someone to love them, and that's what I was doing, with women. I've already detailed in a previous post about the differences in my thoughts with men and women, so I won't go into that here, but now I've gone a step further, and gotten to the root cause of the problem.

I have been trying to make up for the lack of love I felt I didn't receive from my mother by trying to extract it from all the other women in my life. Literally, extract it. It's called being an emotional vampire. And it's not a good thing. I  have been sucking the love right out of people, trying to fill a void that in reality is a figment of my own imagination, I made that "hole" myself.

So now, I've filled it. Not with anything from anyone else, but from my own thoughts. I don't "need" love from just one person, there are many people that care, and it's my job to care and to love them right back. I'm turning my emotional vacuum cleaner into a blower, returning in kind the caring feelings of others, loving without falling "in" love, because that's what normal people do. They have their own feelings, and they leave other people's feelings alone.

Romantic love has always been a problem for me, and it seems it's because I didn't really know what it was, compared to other forms of love. Now I know the difference. Romantic love is really the most "physical" of all love, it's mainly driven by primal instincts and the need for procreation. I could write a novel here to try to explain that statement, but my point is, I confused most of the other types of love women would show me with romantic interest, and boy, did that get me in a world of trouble. I would perceive romantic love with a person I felt good to be around, and could share intimate thoughts with, and I'd go searching for nuances of their behavior that showed me they felt the same. It's a real conundrum, a cacophony of thought over top of thought, emotional extraction by scalpel, fine tuned adjustments to pinpoint that tiny shred of "oh, she loves me". That's not normal, it's certainly not healthy, for either party involved. Give me a certain smile, a wink, and you're my new girlfriend. Well, not quite to THAT extreme, but pretty darned close. Makes for some interesting problems if more than one woman does it within a short period of time too. Going head over heels "in" love also isn't necessary, not EVERY time, and trust me, whenever I HAVE had women who were interested, I did, and most times, it ruined the relationship.

No one can really know what goes on inside my head, only I can see it all, but what I wanted to show here is that I have found another piece of the puzzle, I found something else that I need to let go of in order to grow, to change, to become more than I am now. And I'm glad.

This year is turning out to be more than I could have ever expected, I can't wait to see what I learn tomorrow!

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