Thursday, December 20, 2012

My decisions, how poor they have been.....

It's been almost another whole month since I last posted, and my last post, well, it wasn't one of my best.

I just read it again, and all I can say is that it was a rant, me blaming everybody but myself for my situation.

The fact is, everything that has ever "happened" to me, has happened because I made a decision to LET it happen.

I'm willing to admit the fact that many of my decisions in life have been pretty poor ones. I've had 2, no, 3, GREAT jobs, all of which could have been awesome careers, and each time I had one of those jobs, I made a poor decision and ended up losing the job.

Then, I'd get my head on straight for a while, and try and make something else happen, and things would go great for a while, but then, every time, I'd make some stupid ass decision that would make it all come unraveled.

I'm realizing more and more that my life is exactly as I've made it. My situation right now for instance. I have NO money, since now, I have a child support payment. I have had to try to find other means of income to compensate for it, and I had one opportunity that would have turned out really well, both for my schedule, and financially, but, due to my poor decision making, it didn't work out. So a lot of things are still very much in "survival" mode at this point, but it's all due to decisions that *I* made, whether recently, or even, let's say, almost 3 years ago.

I was the one who decided to leave. I was the one who decided to move away, and then to more or less become a hermit. I have very little communication with any human being outside of work. I don't have money to go out and do things with anyone, as I used to, but that's not an excuse, because there again, it is all because of decisions that *I* myself made in the beginning, but did nothing to compensate for the inevitable loss of income when the child support payments ensued.

The one thing I can say right now is that I feel very isolated, very alone. Makes sense though, since I've not reached out to anyone to communicate on a daily basis, I mean, I have really only one real friend. And that's all my fault, not anyone else's. My decisions, my consequences.

If it sounds like I'm beating myself up, yeah, maybe a little. I can't say I'm too proud of myself for going 41 years on this same train, 3 times screwing up the same way, and getting the same results, but changing nothing. But, I guess it takes a little more to get me to see the obvious. Now, it's a different type of situation, but looking back on all the events that led up to it, I can see I've been making these poor decisions all my life.

So, what to do? Well, first things first, stop making the same decisions. You want to know what the worst one is? Drinking. Yes, I've calmed it down from what I did when I was younger. I used to drink a 12 pack a day, every day. Now, I just do it on the days I have off from work. 2 days a week, I get drunk. And then I'm basically out of it for the entire NEXT day while I "recover". Stupid, right? I'm not late for or miss work from it, which lost me 2 of those jobs I mentioned earlier, but, the person I am when I drink is even worse at making decisions, and I have said and done things that I am not proud of. So, that's the first thing to go.

There's more to it than that, but you get the gist. Poor decisions, bringing on a life that I am not satisfied with.

I am not happy.

I left the situation in Tennessee because I wasn't happy, and coming to Florida held the promise of me being happy. I am happy with where I live, the town I mean, but I'm not happy with much else.

And now I am fully aware, no one can change that but me.

Oh, and one more thing. It's a REALLY poor decision to do things because someone else you know likes them, or be something you aren't because you think someone else won't like you if you don't. I've done that twice now, and neither time did things turn out where I was happy. You aren't them, you can't be happy living the life THEY live, you have to do your own thing. Just saying.

1 comment:

  1. I am wishing you a 2013 full of good decisions and positive changes. Hang in there, my friend!