Hi folks, good to see you again.
It's been a week now, since I moved out. Not a lot of progress on the job hunt, but I figured out why. My attitude about it has just plain stunk. I even think I have posted about this before, and I am becoming tired of having to keep saying that I don't have a job yet. I've been trying to find one for all the wrong reasons, even though in my conscious thoughts it has been for "my kids", for the most part I think my thoughts have been centered on proving others wrong about me being a bum. Which has of course had the effect of further reinforcing my "bumhood" to said others, as more time has gone by without me finding suitable employment.
Anyway at least now I understand what I've been doing wrong, and the cards, yes, my tarot cards, I got some, did I tell everyone? I did, a couple of weeks before I left her. They have been spot on in their predictions, and so far, I have been listening. My spiritual development is something I have put a lot of resources into, but now is the time to get out and do, or else. So, another day gone, and no job.
Talk to you soon!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I moved
Hi folks! It's good to see you!
I moved out a couple of days ago. I'm now at my friend's house, sitting in my own room, my own personal space. I have no agenda, no schedule, no one to answer to. It feels good. I miss my girls. Such a mix of emotions. My only goal in life at this point is to find a job, and make some money to get them out of their grandma's house. It still feels weird, it was so bad the first day or so I could barely think, let alone write. Freedom is good, but also very intimidating. I've not been "on my own" since I was in the Navy, and that's been 20 years ago. Even then I wasn't really on my own, so this is really new to me. I feel like shit, and here I thought I would be happy. I mean on one hand I am, no one to tell me what to do, well other than my roommates, since it's their house, but overall my life is mine, for the first time ever. Hell of a thing to get to at the age of 38. I left my parents house at 18, and since then, I have not been alone, with no one else. I've discovered that I had taken it for granted that someone was there all the time. Being more or less alone now is very frightening. And I never even once considered that as a possible emotion I would feel when I left. I have to move past that however, and get on with life, otherwise I will never really start living. I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted, what I needed, in order to give my children the life they deserve. It just sucks that I can't be with them. I'm sure with time, my feelings will change, and I will be ok with all of this, but right now, things are still topsy turvy. I mean what do I do? I haven't the first clue as to what I can or should do. I always went off of what everyone else wanted. My wife, her schedule, what she wanted or needed me to do, and now that's gone. I have never felt so vulnerable. Hell I never even thought of using that word to describe myself, always seemed to me to be a bit weak. Well this crab (I'm a Cancer) has moved his shell, and now I must come out of it, or be lost inside it forever. Another day or so to "heal" and process, but then I'm going to get going, start with what I need to do, what I MUST do to be the father I am supposed to be, and support my children. I started a post on my journey blog, hopefully will get it done soon, so look for that.
Well that's all I can say at this point. Change continues for me, as it does for everyone. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to everyone again soon.
I moved out a couple of days ago. I'm now at my friend's house, sitting in my own room, my own personal space. I have no agenda, no schedule, no one to answer to. It feels good. I miss my girls. Such a mix of emotions. My only goal in life at this point is to find a job, and make some money to get them out of their grandma's house. It still feels weird, it was so bad the first day or so I could barely think, let alone write. Freedom is good, but also very intimidating. I've not been "on my own" since I was in the Navy, and that's been 20 years ago. Even then I wasn't really on my own, so this is really new to me. I feel like shit, and here I thought I would be happy. I mean on one hand I am, no one to tell me what to do, well other than my roommates, since it's their house, but overall my life is mine, for the first time ever. Hell of a thing to get to at the age of 38. I left my parents house at 18, and since then, I have not been alone, with no one else. I've discovered that I had taken it for granted that someone was there all the time. Being more or less alone now is very frightening. And I never even once considered that as a possible emotion I would feel when I left. I have to move past that however, and get on with life, otherwise I will never really start living. I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted, what I needed, in order to give my children the life they deserve. It just sucks that I can't be with them. I'm sure with time, my feelings will change, and I will be ok with all of this, but right now, things are still topsy turvy. I mean what do I do? I haven't the first clue as to what I can or should do. I always went off of what everyone else wanted. My wife, her schedule, what she wanted or needed me to do, and now that's gone. I have never felt so vulnerable. Hell I never even thought of using that word to describe myself, always seemed to me to be a bit weak. Well this crab (I'm a Cancer) has moved his shell, and now I must come out of it, or be lost inside it forever. Another day or so to "heal" and process, but then I'm going to get going, start with what I need to do, what I MUST do to be the father I am supposed to be, and support my children. I started a post on my journey blog, hopefully will get it done soon, so look for that.
Well that's all I can say at this point. Change continues for me, as it does for everyone. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to everyone again soon.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The universe heard
In my last post I was talking about how I wanted to be on my own, and not to have to answer to anyone else.
Well, the universe must have heard me, because lo and behold, I was offered a room at a friend's house. I will finally be free!!
Having said that, the prospects of being away from my daughters are not pleasant, but I know I am doing the right thing, for in the long term, this will benefit them financially, as well as mentally, not having to see their parents argue all the time.
I have been harping on leaving and getting out for so long now, but up until recently, I was of a completely different mindset, always there was the filter, how would she think about it, how would she react? I felt the shift when my thought process changed, when I really began thinking solely for myself, and not for how she might think.
Sounds pretty kindergarten, not something someone my age should be just finding out, but I really never have thought solely on my own in my mind even, never consciously allowed myself to say it was ok to have my own thoughts, I have always thought of how I should think that wouldn't offend or bother one party or another.
Wow that was a mouthful, but what I mean to say is that I gave up thinking how others might think.
Now I can start to live MY life.
Well, the universe must have heard me, because lo and behold, I was offered a room at a friend's house. I will finally be free!!
Having said that, the prospects of being away from my daughters are not pleasant, but I know I am doing the right thing, for in the long term, this will benefit them financially, as well as mentally, not having to see their parents argue all the time.
I have been harping on leaving and getting out for so long now, but up until recently, I was of a completely different mindset, always there was the filter, how would she think about it, how would she react? I felt the shift when my thought process changed, when I really began thinking solely for myself, and not for how she might think.
Sounds pretty kindergarten, not something someone my age should be just finding out, but I really never have thought solely on my own in my mind even, never consciously allowed myself to say it was ok to have my own thoughts, I have always thought of how I should think that wouldn't offend or bother one party or another.
Wow that was a mouthful, but what I mean to say is that I gave up thinking how others might think.
Now I can start to live MY life.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
On my own
So here I am again, happy to report that I put in two applications for jobs today. My outlook on this situation has changed thanks to the advice of my best friend. I've had to really look at the reasons I had for wanting the plan I had made, and for my thoughts and actions following certain patterns lately. I just want freedom, the freedom to be by myself, to live by my own, without anyone to "answer" to.
All my life I have been living with someone else, never by myself. Always had to answer to someone for where I was going, what I was buying, how to decorate, what to eat. Hell it's been so bad that I didn't know where I ended and these other people began. As far as the shrew is concerned, I have even used the term "filter" when describing having to put everything through her first, even in my own mind, and I am so done with it. I want to plan my day around what I want to do, and not have to worry or think about what anyone else wants. And not care what anyone thinks of it.
Sound selfish? Maybe so, but I want it, and I'm going to get it.
All my life I have been living with someone else, never by myself. Always had to answer to someone for where I was going, what I was buying, how to decorate, what to eat. Hell it's been so bad that I didn't know where I ended and these other people began. As far as the shrew is concerned, I have even used the term "filter" when describing having to put everything through her first, even in my own mind, and I am so done with it. I want to plan my day around what I want to do, and not have to worry or think about what anyone else wants. And not care what anyone thinks of it.
Sound selfish? Maybe so, but I want it, and I'm going to get it.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Intent to work, or not?
Today was a pretty normal day in my world. Shrew going nuts over something minor, me going nuts right back at her, pretty standard stuff.
Today I decided to get my mind in the right place concerning my responsibilities. I've been pretty lax in my attempts to get a job, I mean it's been over a year, and my heart has really not been in it. I just read a post by Ryan over at old man sutton about intent, and the major problem I have had in getting a job is the actual intent to get one, it's just not really been there. So of course I have not gotten one. His post really made me think about how I have been all this time, I mean read my posts back and you'll see that I do a lot of talking, but not a lot of acting. Frankly I'm getting tired of it, so I'm sure a lot of you must be too. Yap yap yap, always talking, but nothing's changing.
That stops tonight. And if my intent does not change, or even if it does, but there are no changes, I'm not going to do any more talking about it. Maybe I'll turn my blog into a discussion of the latest movies, who knows, but I am no longer going to go on and on about my life in it's current stag-native state.
Speaking of movies, I've heard "Avatar" is amazing, any thoughts?
Today I decided to get my mind in the right place concerning my responsibilities. I've been pretty lax in my attempts to get a job, I mean it's been over a year, and my heart has really not been in it. I just read a post by Ryan over at old man sutton about intent, and the major problem I have had in getting a job is the actual intent to get one, it's just not really been there. So of course I have not gotten one. His post really made me think about how I have been all this time, I mean read my posts back and you'll see that I do a lot of talking, but not a lot of acting. Frankly I'm getting tired of it, so I'm sure a lot of you must be too. Yap yap yap, always talking, but nothing's changing.
That stops tonight. And if my intent does not change, or even if it does, but there are no changes, I'm not going to do any more talking about it. Maybe I'll turn my blog into a discussion of the latest movies, who knows, but I am no longer going to go on and on about my life in it's current stag-native state.
Speaking of movies, I've heard "Avatar" is amazing, any thoughts?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The day that will live in infamy
Ten days. Ten days since I posted. Seems to be a trend for me. Always trends, or ruts that I'm in. And not the good rut, like a deer will get in, at for them least there is an end to it, and in that end the deer gets laid, if he's lucky.
Today is, well was, Valentine's day, as everyone knows, and of course there is lots of love floating around. There was lots of love in the air on that fateful day 18 years ago too, the day I met the shrew. She knew a friend of mine, and at the time he was engaged to her mother, so he invited me to go to her house and meet her and her mother. He and I were stationed at a nearby naval base, and were just able to go down and visit on weekends. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I met her, found her to be reasonably interesting, pretty cute, but I didn't see stars around her or hear the hallelujah chorus or anything. Later on in the day was when things "picked up". All she did was take an interest in making me feel at home, pretty innocent stuff. She showed me photo albums, that was it, laying across her bed, but somehow that stirred something in me, and I "fell in love". Of course looking back on it, I know it was not true love, only infatuation, and for no other reason other than that she gave me attention, something I was craving badly.
Fast forward 18 years and three kids later, and we find us on the verge of divorce. And only because I grew up, figured out I didn't actually "love" her, and decided to have my own opinion. But since she thought that I was the type to give in all the time, she still expects it, and I won't do it, we are never going to be the same. Completely my fault though. She's no different than before, still the same controlling personality, but who's to say that's a bad thing? I can't judge her, I'm not any better of a person, and she's not "bad" per se. She's a great mom, and I'm sure for someone out there, she's a great match. That someone is just not me.
Anyway, today has just not been a day of love for me, so I think I will stop before I ruin it for everyone else. I hope you have all had a wonderful day, and will talk to you soon!
Today is, well was, Valentine's day, as everyone knows, and of course there is lots of love floating around. There was lots of love in the air on that fateful day 18 years ago too, the day I met the shrew. She knew a friend of mine, and at the time he was engaged to her mother, so he invited me to go to her house and meet her and her mother. He and I were stationed at a nearby naval base, and were just able to go down and visit on weekends. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I met her, found her to be reasonably interesting, pretty cute, but I didn't see stars around her or hear the hallelujah chorus or anything. Later on in the day was when things "picked up". All she did was take an interest in making me feel at home, pretty innocent stuff. She showed me photo albums, that was it, laying across her bed, but somehow that stirred something in me, and I "fell in love". Of course looking back on it, I know it was not true love, only infatuation, and for no other reason other than that she gave me attention, something I was craving badly.
Fast forward 18 years and three kids later, and we find us on the verge of divorce. And only because I grew up, figured out I didn't actually "love" her, and decided to have my own opinion. But since she thought that I was the type to give in all the time, she still expects it, and I won't do it, we are never going to be the same. Completely my fault though. She's no different than before, still the same controlling personality, but who's to say that's a bad thing? I can't judge her, I'm not any better of a person, and she's not "bad" per se. She's a great mom, and I'm sure for someone out there, she's a great match. That someone is just not me.
Anyway, today has just not been a day of love for me, so I think I will stop before I ruin it for everyone else. I hope you have all had a wonderful day, and will talk to you soon!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
More busy-ness
I have no idea what has gotten into me, other than a severe case of lack of onlineness. I haven't posted hardly at all in the last two or three weeks, and I haven't felt like it. I seriously don't know why. Ever since my daughter's surgery and the shrew's wreck, my life has turned into one thing to do right after the next, with little time to be online till late, and then when I DO get here, I guess I'm just too tired to start writing.
Take today for example. I have been up since 7 in the morning, yeah, yesterday now, and got a lot done away from the computer. I have to say too, and this is strange coming from me, but I actually liked it. Feels good to get away from the virtual world for a while, and get busy in the real one. Oh and did I mention, part of the cause of all this is that our tax money came in, so we are doing all the stuff we can't do the rest of the year due to lack of money. Problem is, I have still had no significant progress towards getting a job. I am a little pissed off about that, as that was my intent when I more or less "signed off" a few weeks ago. I'm sure there's a reason for all this busy-ness, but still, I would like for things to be a little more "normal" so I can go about looking, rather than taking care of these constant distracting chores that need doing, kids that need rides, and bills that need paying, and, and, and, and.........
I feel this time of abnormality coming to a close soon, and maybe then I can do what I REALLY want to do.
Until then, ttfn!
Take today for example. I have been up since 7 in the morning, yeah, yesterday now, and got a lot done away from the computer. I have to say too, and this is strange coming from me, but I actually liked it. Feels good to get away from the virtual world for a while, and get busy in the real one. Oh and did I mention, part of the cause of all this is that our tax money came in, so we are doing all the stuff we can't do the rest of the year due to lack of money. Problem is, I have still had no significant progress towards getting a job. I am a little pissed off about that, as that was my intent when I more or less "signed off" a few weeks ago. I'm sure there's a reason for all this busy-ness, but still, I would like for things to be a little more "normal" so I can go about looking, rather than taking care of these constant distracting chores that need doing, kids that need rides, and bills that need paying, and, and, and, and.........
I feel this time of abnormality coming to a close soon, and maybe then I can do what I REALLY want to do.
Until then, ttfn!
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