Hello folks, and welcome to the new look of my blog. Bella made some changes on her blog, including changing the title to Tales of the Wolf Queen, and during our discussion of the template and layout changes she was making, I decided to try Blogger's template designer out for myself, and these are the results. Now all I need do is to change the blog button, and it will all be up to snuff.
I never mentioned in my last post that one of the major changes in my perspective had to do with the fact that I moved out of Bella's house. I found an ad in the paper to rent a room, and I called, went and saw the place, and ended up moving in the very next day. The lady that owns the house is renting two of the bedrooms, as she lives alone and has a double wide trailer with 3 bedrooms, and needs the extra income. It's a nice place, and it's not too far away from work. I only have to drive 4 miles further to go to work.
The one thing that is different about the conditions I'm living in now is that I am, for the first time in my life (other than when I was in the military), I am living with total strangers. In the military it's different, because you're all on the same schedule, you're all doing pretty much the same thing every day, but in the civilian world, it's a completely different thing. I do have all the privacy I want, and even though my schedule is opposite to both of my roommates, everything is working out well.
At work things are a little different as well. Several times over the last couple of weeks I have been assigned an area of the store outside of the dairy department, which I am very pleased about. Not only does it give me a much needed change of pace, but it also gives me the opportunity to learn those areas of the store and make me a better stocker overall. Before I started working at this particular store, I had never stocked a grocery aisle, but now, I've done 3 of them. Now the only areas of the store I've never touched are softlines (apparel), health and beauty aids, and pharmacy. I've also found that I've adjusted to the faster pace of the work at this store a lot better, and I'm getting the stocking done within a reasonable amount of time, closer to the time allotted, and the management seems to be pleased with my work.
For the first 3 weeks after I moved, I did not have internet access, and time seemed to really slow down. I had a lot of time to think about the next phase of my life, and what direction I wanted to go. I can't work where I'm at for the rest of my life, and I don't want to. I can't afford to live comfortably with the salary I earn there, and I'd really like to do something different. Stocking shelves is fine, it does have a certain amount of a sense of accomplishment involved, but it's not my passion, the thing I like to do most. So I thought about it, and thought about it, and I asked myself what it was that I would like to do for the rest of my life. And the answer was that I want to work on computers, the hardware stuff, and especially, to repair laptops. Ideally I'd like to open my own business, but, as always, it's money that gets in the way. I know I will never be completely happy doing what I'm doing however if I don't at least try, so somehow, some way, I will find a way to do it. It may take years to get there, and a lot of hard work, but I'd really like to see it happen.
It looks as though that's all my life is about right now, going to work, and trying to survive. I did find out I will be able to see my kids at the end of next month, and the ex and I are starting to get along better, so that's good. I am hoping at some point they will have the opportunity to move down here, nearer to me, so I will be able to see them on a more regular basis, and so I can be a part of their lives again.
Another thing I've been kicking around in my head is finding something to do outside of the house. I go to work, I come home, and then I'm either online, or watching movies, I eat, I shower, I sleep. But that's it. Part of that has to do with the fact that I rarely have "extra" money, so I CAN'T go out and do anything, but even then, there are lots of things to do that don't cost money if one is so diligent to go out and find them. I like to use the excuse that I don't have the gas to go out and do anything, but if I planned it properly, then I'd find a way, it's not a valid excuse. Then again, I am a bit of a hermit, I LIKE to stay home, but once you get me out, I'm fine with that too. One way or the other I need to get out. I need to meet new people, get involved in something. I might be alive, but I certainly don't have a "life".
Better start working on getting one of those......I'm not getting any younger.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
New perspectives
I've been away for a while, but now, I'm back. My perspective has changed, more than any of you realize, so this is now going to be a very different blog. Those few who have the privilege of being close to me understand what has gone on in the last few months, and specifically what has happened in the last 3 weeks, which has changed me in such a fundamental way, and I doubt I will ever be what I was before. That's how deep this goes.
I have always posted about my feelings, and my innermost thoughts, and I will still do that, but that's the thing that has changed the most. I'm not able to explain how that is possible, and to be honest, I don't really care, but the fact is, I am not the man I used to be. Is that "better"? Who knows. Is it worse? I don't know that either. What I do know is that who I am now is the person I was supposed to be all along, without all the drippy emotional parts of me that were doing nothing more than dragging me down into some imaginary abyss of despair that, in reality, doesn't really exist.
I don't even wish I could tell you what it's like to finally to be free of that. None of it matters. It was all inside my own head, and even if some of you could relate to it, there is nothing in my mind that tells me you could say you had in any way, shape, or form, experienced the same thing as me. It was so overwhelming, so life encompassing, that there's no way most of you could have ever functioned as a human being had you felt the same as I did.
Having said that, and hoping you are all still reading lol, I will say this. I will still be posting my thoughts, and "feelings", as they are, but it will not be the same. Life changes, and this just happens to be one of the major changes to happen in this, my life, this lifetime. This change just means that my posts will not have the same "flavor", or feeling they once did. It may seem I am being distant, or even non feeling, but that is natural with this. I am not going to apologize for it, nor am I going to say that I feel any particular way about it, because truthfully, I don't. This is my blog, and I'll write the way I want. End of story.
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.
I have always posted about my feelings, and my innermost thoughts, and I will still do that, but that's the thing that has changed the most. I'm not able to explain how that is possible, and to be honest, I don't really care, but the fact is, I am not the man I used to be. Is that "better"? Who knows. Is it worse? I don't know that either. What I do know is that who I am now is the person I was supposed to be all along, without all the drippy emotional parts of me that were doing nothing more than dragging me down into some imaginary abyss of despair that, in reality, doesn't really exist.
I don't even wish I could tell you what it's like to finally to be free of that. None of it matters. It was all inside my own head, and even if some of you could relate to it, there is nothing in my mind that tells me you could say you had in any way, shape, or form, experienced the same thing as me. It was so overwhelming, so life encompassing, that there's no way most of you could have ever functioned as a human being had you felt the same as I did.
Having said that, and hoping you are all still reading lol, I will say this. I will still be posting my thoughts, and "feelings", as they are, but it will not be the same. Life changes, and this just happens to be one of the major changes to happen in this, my life, this lifetime. This change just means that my posts will not have the same "flavor", or feeling they once did. It may seem I am being distant, or even non feeling, but that is natural with this. I am not going to apologize for it, nor am I going to say that I feel any particular way about it, because truthfully, I don't. This is my blog, and I'll write the way I want. End of story.
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Just came to chat......
I've been away for a few weeks, again, but they have not been unproductive weeks.
I started writing on a site called 750words.com, which is exactly what the name implies. You are encouraged to write every day, at least 750 words, and there are small "rewards" in the form of "badges" for consecutive days written, and for writing with no "distractions", etc. There is also a "stats" page that displays after every post so you can track different aspects of how you write, with frequently used words, and some psychological data as well, as they somehow have a way to analyse the post itself, and can give you personal feedback on what it is you are writing about, in a general form. Feedback such as how you feel, if you write about yourself or others, and what subject you wrote about most, such as religion or money, etc. Check it out yourself if you're finding it hard to write in your blog, or anywhere else for that matter, it's pretty cool. It helps you order your thoughts, even when you weren't planning to or are unable to for whatever reason. It's completely locked down, so you can write whatever you want and no one can see, so it sort of works like a journal or a diary, if that's what you choose to turn it into. I find it works well to just get whatever thoughts I'm thinking out in a more permanent form, and it promotes those thoughts moving forward instead of going in circles in my mind for days on end. So try it out, you may find it to be both enjoyable and therapeutic, as I have.
In other news, I've gotten more into "the groove" at my new Walmart, and have adjusted pretty well to the different management style they employ. Life at home has improved as well. There doesn't seem to be as much stress as before, though it will still be better when I can find my own place, and Bella doesn't have to put up with me being around ALL the time (except when I'm at work of course). LOL
Christmas was........well, to be honest, quiet. I was here by myself a lot of the past few days, while Bella and Jack and Alex spent time with their family. Christmas morning was the least chaotic I have ever seen, but that's mostly due to the fact that Alex is the only child in the house, and therefore got ALL the presents lol. I myself got 3 presents, much to my surprise, and it was a good day.
It's going to be an interesting New Year's too, as my schedule has me in "off a day, work a day" mode for most of that week. I'm off New Year's Eve, work New Year's Day, and then off the day after, work the day after that, and then off again the day after that. By the time I go back to work that Thursday and have to work 4 days straight through Sunday (my normal schedule), I won't know what to do with myself, having so many "single" days worked. Should be fun to have what will feel like a full week "off". I mean, sandwiching a day of work in between 2 days off never really feels like a real work day, and then to have it happen for a full 5 days, well, that'll be like a mini vacation lol.
I have a lot to look forward to in the coming year. From the communication I have had with my ex, there may in fact be a divorce in my near future. If she did somehow manage to file, that's great, but I don't see how she could have done so. But, she mentioned in an email to me that "it won't be long", and that they (the lawyers involved I assume) were trying to arrange it for my visits with the kids to be supervised, and that she was trying to change that. She didn't mention any more than that. She has not been forthcoming with information in that regard, and the only reason I can see for her doing that is that she wants it to happen the way SHE wants it, which is not really in her power to arrange. Only she doesn't seem to know that. The child support amount will not change, no matter what she wants, and as far as any visits are concerned, there are rules, none of which she can circumvent or get an exception to, as they are put in place to make things fair for both parties involved. So, I'm just biding my time, until I receive legal notice from someone with the authority to make those decisions before I talk to her about it or take any action of my own. I know her well enough to know that she uses these sly tactics to try to bait me into doing her bidding, and this time I'm not fueling that fire. 'Nuff said.
That's about it for now. I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season, and that you all have a fantastic New Year. Talk to you soon!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Life serves up a big piece of reality pie......
I haven't posted in a very long time, longer than ever (for me), and part of the reason has been because I couldn't figure out how to say what I was thinking, or how to articulate my feelings. That does not mean, however, that nothing has been happening.........
When I got here, to Florida, I was living in a fantasy world, the same one I had lived in when I was in Tennessee. It was a world in which I thought that moving to Florida would solve all my problems, and make me happy beyond measure. I was over the moon excited when Bella messaged me and offered me a place to stay, with her and her husband, and so was she. It's what we had hoped and dreamed would happen, so we could be in contact in the flesh, instead of just exclusively online. I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to live with their best friend, right?
Well, as it is often the case, the reality of a situation is very different than whatever fantasy one can dream up. For the first few weeks, until the "newness" wore off, things were great. But then, reality set in.
It took longer than we thought for me to get a job, and then the tension started building. Not between us, mind you, but with the strain of having an extra mouth to feed, and having their resources already stretched very thin, having me around caused a massive "elephant" of worry to invade their home. Having a roommate was not something they were used to, and me just being here inevitably caused changes to their routine. Having your home "invaded" by another person, one who is not part of your normal family, whether they pay their way or not, is stressful.
The feeling before I got here was that everything would be great. We'd hang out, do stuff together. It would be awesome.........there was no way things would be "bad".
The reality though, is that people have to eat. Bills still need to be paid. And extra people in the house means there is more to pay. So there is worry.
I can tell you with no reservation that this is not how I envisioned life turning out. I have never liked the idea of causing a burden to anyone, much less my best friend. I didn't come down here to make her life difficult, but that is in fact what has happened......sorta. Now that I've been working for a little over a month, my paychecks will soon become steady, and predictable, and at least the financial strain I have been will ease significantly. But the invasion of privacy factor will not, until I move out. THAT is something I cannot wait for. For their sake. Their house is only just big enough for the three of them, and they deserve to have their own space back.
Another flavor in this heaping helping of reality pie is the way she and I interact. When your only interaction with someone is online, with typed words on a screen, things don't always come across the same as they would in person. Add to that the strange fact that I myself don't talk the same online as I do in person, well, you can see how things might be different when you're all of a sudden talking exclusively in person. I warned Bella beforehand that I was like that, and yet could not provide an explanation, and still can't, but still, how does someone prepare for that?
Anyway, the fact of the matter is, things just turned out to be a lot different than we thought. I know I'm probably making it sound like it's all terrible, and that's not the case at all. It's just.......different........than we imagined it.
I said all that so that now I can say this: It's been an educational experience in many ways. I have learned a lot about myself, and so have Bella and Jack. Having me around has been a catalyst for things that could not have happened had I not been here. They are more united than they have ever been, and I could not be happier to see it. When problems have come up, they have come together as a family to solve them. I myself have learned that just because you can imagine how things will go, the reality is completely different. You can't try to make the fantasy into reality either, because it's not real. Life is not like the movies in your head.
Bella means the world to me. I love her with every fiber of my being. It has been painful to know that my presence has caused her undue stress. I can only imagine the conflict in her mind, of her being so happy I'm here, but yet so ready for me to leave. She had a period of "silence", where she didn't talk to me much for about 4 days, because she didn't know how to express what she was feeling to me, to exorcise the "elephant" the stress had grown into. How do you tell your best friend that while you love them dearly, you just can't handle them being in your house? It was horrible for her, and it hurt me beyond measure that she had to go through it, and really, is STILL going through it. And it's not me personally, it would be the same if it were anyone else. The fact that it IS me though makes it all the more painful. Their house is just not suited for having a roommate.
Like I said earlier, I don't want to make it sound like life is bad, because it's not. There were just logistical things we didn't plan for when we planned for me to come down here, and there has been stress. And then there's my "new" job.
This Walmart is a lot different than the one I worked at in Tennessee. They use a different sort of management procedure for the night stockers, and it has taken some getting used to. I thought I was just going to jump right in where I left off, but with the rules being a little different, it's been quite a challenge. There's a lot of pressure to finish with the freight in the specified time frame, and they are sticklers with the computer based task management system. Adding to that is the different layout of the store, which I don't like, the cooler and freezers are smaller, as are the receiving areas. It's harder to move around, there always seems to be something in the way. But I'm getting used to it, and the stress level I have has waned recently as I adjust to my new environment.
Of course I've met a ton of new people, and with them being in a different place geographically, they are different psychologically than those I knew in Tennessee. I find my interactions with them are subsequently different. They are more focused on their work, and complain less, they do what they have to do and go home, and I appreciate that.
All in all life is good. We all have daily challenges to deal with, things that are not always comfortable, but that's what reality is. Everything in a fantasy comes up roses. Reality usually serves up an equal measure of both. My perspective on life has changed. I no longer live in the fantasy world I had made for myself. Taking a new perspective on life has also prompted me to change the name of my blog to "Perth's Perspective", because it seems much more appropriate. I feel I have "grown up" a lot in the last 2 months, and learned some important lessons. I don't feel so alone, I don't wish for things I can't have, or imagine what my life is while ignoring the reality.
Reality pie tastes good.
When I got here, to Florida, I was living in a fantasy world, the same one I had lived in when I was in Tennessee. It was a world in which I thought that moving to Florida would solve all my problems, and make me happy beyond measure. I was over the moon excited when Bella messaged me and offered me a place to stay, with her and her husband, and so was she. It's what we had hoped and dreamed would happen, so we could be in contact in the flesh, instead of just exclusively online. I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to live with their best friend, right?
Well, as it is often the case, the reality of a situation is very different than whatever fantasy one can dream up. For the first few weeks, until the "newness" wore off, things were great. But then, reality set in.
It took longer than we thought for me to get a job, and then the tension started building. Not between us, mind you, but with the strain of having an extra mouth to feed, and having their resources already stretched very thin, having me around caused a massive "elephant" of worry to invade their home. Having a roommate was not something they were used to, and me just being here inevitably caused changes to their routine. Having your home "invaded" by another person, one who is not part of your normal family, whether they pay their way or not, is stressful.
The feeling before I got here was that everything would be great. We'd hang out, do stuff together. It would be awesome.........there was no way things would be "bad".
The reality though, is that people have to eat. Bills still need to be paid. And extra people in the house means there is more to pay. So there is worry.
I can tell you with no reservation that this is not how I envisioned life turning out. I have never liked the idea of causing a burden to anyone, much less my best friend. I didn't come down here to make her life difficult, but that is in fact what has happened......sorta. Now that I've been working for a little over a month, my paychecks will soon become steady, and predictable, and at least the financial strain I have been will ease significantly. But the invasion of privacy factor will not, until I move out. THAT is something I cannot wait for. For their sake. Their house is only just big enough for the three of them, and they deserve to have their own space back.
Another flavor in this heaping helping of reality pie is the way she and I interact. When your only interaction with someone is online, with typed words on a screen, things don't always come across the same as they would in person. Add to that the strange fact that I myself don't talk the same online as I do in person, well, you can see how things might be different when you're all of a sudden talking exclusively in person. I warned Bella beforehand that I was like that, and yet could not provide an explanation, and still can't, but still, how does someone prepare for that?
Anyway, the fact of the matter is, things just turned out to be a lot different than we thought. I know I'm probably making it sound like it's all terrible, and that's not the case at all. It's just.......different........than we imagined it.
I said all that so that now I can say this: It's been an educational experience in many ways. I have learned a lot about myself, and so have Bella and Jack. Having me around has been a catalyst for things that could not have happened had I not been here. They are more united than they have ever been, and I could not be happier to see it. When problems have come up, they have come together as a family to solve them. I myself have learned that just because you can imagine how things will go, the reality is completely different. You can't try to make the fantasy into reality either, because it's not real. Life is not like the movies in your head.
Bella means the world to me. I love her with every fiber of my being. It has been painful to know that my presence has caused her undue stress. I can only imagine the conflict in her mind, of her being so happy I'm here, but yet so ready for me to leave. She had a period of "silence", where she didn't talk to me much for about 4 days, because she didn't know how to express what she was feeling to me, to exorcise the "elephant" the stress had grown into. How do you tell your best friend that while you love them dearly, you just can't handle them being in your house? It was horrible for her, and it hurt me beyond measure that she had to go through it, and really, is STILL going through it. And it's not me personally, it would be the same if it were anyone else. The fact that it IS me though makes it all the more painful. Their house is just not suited for having a roommate.
Like I said earlier, I don't want to make it sound like life is bad, because it's not. There were just logistical things we didn't plan for when we planned for me to come down here, and there has been stress. And then there's my "new" job.
This Walmart is a lot different than the one I worked at in Tennessee. They use a different sort of management procedure for the night stockers, and it has taken some getting used to. I thought I was just going to jump right in where I left off, but with the rules being a little different, it's been quite a challenge. There's a lot of pressure to finish with the freight in the specified time frame, and they are sticklers with the computer based task management system. Adding to that is the different layout of the store, which I don't like, the cooler and freezers are smaller, as are the receiving areas. It's harder to move around, there always seems to be something in the way. But I'm getting used to it, and the stress level I have has waned recently as I adjust to my new environment.
Of course I've met a ton of new people, and with them being in a different place geographically, they are different psychologically than those I knew in Tennessee. I find my interactions with them are subsequently different. They are more focused on their work, and complain less, they do what they have to do and go home, and I appreciate that.
All in all life is good. We all have daily challenges to deal with, things that are not always comfortable, but that's what reality is. Everything in a fantasy comes up roses. Reality usually serves up an equal measure of both. My perspective on life has changed. I no longer live in the fantasy world I had made for myself. Taking a new perspective on life has also prompted me to change the name of my blog to "Perth's Perspective", because it seems much more appropriate. I feel I have "grown up" a lot in the last 2 months, and learned some important lessons. I don't feel so alone, I don't wish for things I can't have, or imagine what my life is while ignoring the reality.
Reality pie tastes good.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Busy days......and that's GOOD!
Just a short, quick post tonight folks, just wanted to let everyone know I am still alive......
I've been working at the local (read: Tallahassee) day labor place, and this week I hit the jackpot. I have an assignment that should last through Sunday, so for right now, money is not as big a worry. It's a great feeling.
Other than that, there's not much going on. I have to get up really early in the morning to go to work, and that means going to bed early as well, with work, dinner, and dishes in between. Doesn't leave much time for getting on the internet.
I did get a call from Walmart last Saturday, and went in for an interview. Now, when Walmart calls you, it means they want to hire you, so, all I'm waiting for now is the second callback for them to tell me to come in for a drug test and for them to do the actual "job offer". So, soon I should have my "old" job back. More on that later as it develops.
That's it for now folks, not a whole lot else going on that's newsworthy. Talk to you soon!
I've been working at the local (read: Tallahassee) day labor place, and this week I hit the jackpot. I have an assignment that should last through Sunday, so for right now, money is not as big a worry. It's a great feeling.
Other than that, there's not much going on. I have to get up really early in the morning to go to work, and that means going to bed early as well, with work, dinner, and dishes in between. Doesn't leave much time for getting on the internet.
I did get a call from Walmart last Saturday, and went in for an interview. Now, when Walmart calls you, it means they want to hire you, so, all I'm waiting for now is the second callback for them to tell me to come in for a drug test and for them to do the actual "job offer". So, soon I should have my "old" job back. More on that later as it develops.
That's it for now folks, not a whole lot else going on that's newsworthy. Talk to you soon!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Day Labor.....a traumatized friend....and a new name?
It's been a few days since I posted.
A lot has gone on in those few days.
Since I last posted, I've gone out to pick up and fill out applications for jobs, and then, 2 days ago, well, 3 now, I went to one of the day labor places in Tallahassee. Day labor, for those not familiar, is where you go and sign up, really just fill out what is just like a normal job application, and then you sit and wait to see if they find an assignment for you to perform as your "job" for that day. They provide laborers to construction companies mostly, for cleanup purposes and other types of work that don't require a "skill", just an able body. However, ANY business or company can and often does give them a call asking for workers to assist them in various tasks like putting up large tents, or moving furniture. If and when you, the "worker", get assigned one of the jobs, and you go out and perform it, you then return to the day labor office at the end of the day, and you receive a check for the wages you earned on that job. Daily work, daily pay. It's a great opportunity to make money when you have yet to acquire a "regular" job, and there are people that more or less use them as their full time job, either because they are not able to find a job elsewhere, or, they like to have the opportunity to choose which days they will work. That's one thing about day labor, there's no one telling you that you HAVE to show up every single day, the basic premise is, if you want to work that day, you show up, and wait to see if a customer calls with work to do. Some days you get sent out, some days you don't. It just depends on what calls come in that day.
A great majority of the workers that come in every day looking for work are those who are VERY poor, many even are homeless, and living in the local shelter. They have almost nothing in the way of material possessions, I have seen several that have everything they own in a locker in the day labor office. They have no storage space at the shelter, and even if they did, the likelihood of their meager possessions being stolen is very high. So, it seems that since the day labor office provides them with lockers, they choose to keep most if not all of what they own there in those lockers. I have to tell you, while this is not the first time I have seen the life of someone so poor up close, I have seen a few things in these last 3 days that really show how good the rest of us have it. It's easy to take for granted having a place to live, and food to eat, but for some of the people I've seen there, things go BEYOND breaking it down in such simple terms.
I talked to one man on my second day there, while waiting to receive an assignment (I didn't get one the first day) who appeared to be a little better off, I mean, HE at least owned a car. The advantage to that at the day labor office is that those who own vehicles are assigned jobs first, and while a first come first "served" system would seem to be more fair, it's done that way presumably because they who own a car are also able to transport those workers who do NOT own a car along with themselves. That's also probably why I was assigned a job on my second day there, because I too own a car. I was told by the man I just mentioned that it normally takes about 2 weeks before they send a person out, apparently it gives them time to get to know you, and to see that you WANT to work, and are not just there to have somewhere to go after you leave the shelter in the morning. I'm sure some people do just that, because when I was called to the window and offered my assignment, the first thing they asked me was "Do you want to work?"
That caught me by surprise for a second, because I figured that that was the whole reason anyone would come in at 6 in the morning and sign in. Apparently that's not the case. Anyway, back to the man I mentioned earlier. I had walked outside to have a smoke, and his car was parked next to mine in the parking lot. He was reaching in his car for something, and when I approached with my lit cigarette, he turned and asked me if I had one I could spare. I didn't give it a second thought, and gave him one, as I usually do if someone asks me for a smoke. But then he did something I did NOT expect. He offered me a package of crackers, while asking me if I had eaten that morning. I said something to the effect of "No, but I don't usually eat in the mornings", because I don't. I rarely eat breakfast, I may eat a bagel or something small, but usually it's nothing at all. However, right away I could tell he was offering it to me as a trade for the cigarette. And not from anything he said, it was just a feeling I got, because let's face it, if all you have in the world is in your car, and you are around a lot of guys who are just as bad off as you are, or worse, it stands to reason that in order to survive, you trade for your needed resources on a regular basis. But the fact that he offered me the crackers, and then to top it off, a few moments later, a package of stuffed peppers, really struck a chord in me. This man was obviously either living out of his car, or perhaps staying at the shelter at night, who knows, but he offered me some of his food, maybe something he was saving to eat later himself, just because I gave him a cigarette. But here's the kicker. Right about that time, after I politely declined the peppers, after all, I DID have food at home, he was called into the office for an assignment, and left the peppers on the roof of his car while he went in to get the work order. I'm not sure what made me do it, curiosity I guess, but I decided to check the expiration date on them (they were in a package you typically buy in a grocery store deli). What I saw shocked me. They were expired, by a full 5 MONTHS!
Most people wouldn't eat something that was expired at all, if only for a few DAYS, but here was a man that was willing to eat food that was so far expired that it had to be close to "science experiment" territory, if not already fully there. Later on, I checked the date on the crackers he gave me, and those had been expired for 2 months. There was no way that either of those items could be considered suitable for consumption, and were most likely even dangerous to eat, perhaps even fatally so. That really showed me how desperate a person's situation can get. How would your standards, of what is fit to eat and what is not, change if you were in his shoes? Do you think YOU could eat expired food?
I have always been aware of people who are homeless and hungry, like everyone else, we hear about it on the news all the time. But how many of us can say we have seen it firsthand, and spoken with someone who was in that situation? I can. And I can tell you, it puts a lot in perspective.
There's that word again. Perspective. I have written about it before, I've said, "it's all in how you look at things". "You can be having the worst day of your life, but if you don't see it that way, then it's NOT", I said. But what if every day of your life is a literal fight for survival, so much so that you would eat food that has been expired for 5 months? What kind of perspective does it take to get to the point when you will do that? I have never been to that point, so I don't know, but I can tell you this. If I were, nothing else would matter. Nothing. Every day when you wake up, your only goal is to find a way to eat, and to find someplace to sleep. That's it. None of the "normal" worries of everyday life that we all take for granted are even a factor. Trivial things don't exist. You don't care about what car you're driving, because you probably don't have one. You don't care if the clothes you're wearing are out of style, you're just happy to have something to keep you warm. You don't care if someone thinks you are fat, or skinny, all you want to do is get through one more day without starving or sleeping out in the cold and rain. Nothing else matters.
I'm glad I have had the chance to see that situation up close and personal, without having to go through it myself. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I look forward to working each day, no matter how hard the work is, and how exhausted I am when I get home, because I HAVE a home to come to. It could be so much worse.
The job I was assigned these last 2 days was to move some furniture and other stored items from one building to another in an apartment complex.. I got up both mornings really motivated to go and do whatever work they had for me to do, which is a change in a way. This motivation is to strictly focus on working, earning money, and leave all other considerations aside. Before, when I had a job, even at Walmart, which I really enjoyed doing, I didn't have the same motivation. It's hard to explain, because it would seem like that is the only reason people HAVE a job to begin with is to make money. I guess the difference is that I have always tried to find a job that I enjoyed doing, something that made me feel like I accomplished something, or even that I was doing something that helped people. I wanted to have a sense of joy in my work, and would not be motivated to do a job I saw as "beneath" me, or one I did not enjoy doing. The fact is, especially in today's economy and job market, those are luxuries most of us cannot afford. If a job is offered, no matter what it is, it's best to take it. Because there aren't enough to go around.
I have had quite a few jobs in my life, and I'm sorry to say I have been, in the past, fired or laid off from several of them strictly due to a lack of motivation. A lot of it had to do with my alcohol abuse that was rampant in my 20's and 30's, as it caused me to oversleep on countless occasions, and to call out sick when I was merely hung over. But a great majority of the time, the reason I did not have the motivation to go to work was because I was more focused on how "horrible" the job was, rather than the fact that without the job, there would be no money. And money is the only real reason people go to work, well, most of us anyway. So now, it's my only motivation. Whether I enjoy it or not, or if it gives me satisfaction, or any other emotional considerations are no longer a factor.
This is probably the longest post I have ever written, and it's not over. But I have my reasons. I applaud you if you have read this far down into the post, as I myself have found some of my writing to be exceedingly tedious and repetitious at times lol.......but now, for the second part of today's story.......
I have a friend who just the other day had something happen to her that one would usually see on television on an episode of "Fringe" perhaps, certainly the stuff of science fiction normally, but for her, it was reality. She woke up and had forgotten the last 15 years of her life. This means she did not know where she was, because she and her husband had moved during that time frame. She had no idea who her own children were, as they were all born during the time period she had forgotten. She could not remember who some of her relatives were (those that married into the family during the 15 years she couldn't remember), the fact that she was active in a local church, and had no idea how to use her laptop, which prior to her memory loss was something that rarely left her side. She has friends she met in that 15 year span, myself included, and some very close friends that she met in that time frame, that she does not remember.
How would YOU feel if you woke up one day and had seemingly jumped forward in time 15 years, and you didn't recognize most of the people in your life, or much of anything around you? How would that affect you?
Again, it's a matter of your own personal perspective and perceptions, but there's nothing that can prepare someone for a situation like that. Nothing. Retrograde amnesia, in my opinion, is probably one of the most frightening things a person could ever experience. I can't even imagine what she's going through, the enormity of it is overwhelming. Luckily she has a great family that has rallied around her, and, she is a longtime friend of Bella's, they've known each other for 27 years, so she still remembered her. They've been talking a lot these past few days, which is hopefully bringing her some sense of normalcy in what has got to be one of the most chaotic situation a person can ever be in. I have chatted with her myself on Yahoo messenger twice since it happened, and she's told me how scary and confusing it's been, and she told me this even though, from her perspective, I am a total stranger.
She is a wonderful person, I love her dearly. I pray that she is able to regain her memory soon, and hope that you all will keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
If you would like more information on her situation, Bella has written a much more detailed post about what happened, on her blog, Memoirs of a Crazy Witch.
In closing this post I would just like to say thank you, for taking the time to read about my ever changing perspective on life. I'm even considering changing the name of my blog from "Perthro's Pronouncements" to "Perth's Perspective", because I think it's more apt. What do you think?
I hope you all have a wonderful day.
A lot has gone on in those few days.
Since I last posted, I've gone out to pick up and fill out applications for jobs, and then, 2 days ago, well, 3 now, I went to one of the day labor places in Tallahassee. Day labor, for those not familiar, is where you go and sign up, really just fill out what is just like a normal job application, and then you sit and wait to see if they find an assignment for you to perform as your "job" for that day. They provide laborers to construction companies mostly, for cleanup purposes and other types of work that don't require a "skill", just an able body. However, ANY business or company can and often does give them a call asking for workers to assist them in various tasks like putting up large tents, or moving furniture. If and when you, the "worker", get assigned one of the jobs, and you go out and perform it, you then return to the day labor office at the end of the day, and you receive a check for the wages you earned on that job. Daily work, daily pay. It's a great opportunity to make money when you have yet to acquire a "regular" job, and there are people that more or less use them as their full time job, either because they are not able to find a job elsewhere, or, they like to have the opportunity to choose which days they will work. That's one thing about day labor, there's no one telling you that you HAVE to show up every single day, the basic premise is, if you want to work that day, you show up, and wait to see if a customer calls with work to do. Some days you get sent out, some days you don't. It just depends on what calls come in that day.
A great majority of the workers that come in every day looking for work are those who are VERY poor, many even are homeless, and living in the local shelter. They have almost nothing in the way of material possessions, I have seen several that have everything they own in a locker in the day labor office. They have no storage space at the shelter, and even if they did, the likelihood of their meager possessions being stolen is very high. So, it seems that since the day labor office provides them with lockers, they choose to keep most if not all of what they own there in those lockers. I have to tell you, while this is not the first time I have seen the life of someone so poor up close, I have seen a few things in these last 3 days that really show how good the rest of us have it. It's easy to take for granted having a place to live, and food to eat, but for some of the people I've seen there, things go BEYOND breaking it down in such simple terms.
I talked to one man on my second day there, while waiting to receive an assignment (I didn't get one the first day) who appeared to be a little better off, I mean, HE at least owned a car. The advantage to that at the day labor office is that those who own vehicles are assigned jobs first, and while a first come first "served" system would seem to be more fair, it's done that way presumably because they who own a car are also able to transport those workers who do NOT own a car along with themselves. That's also probably why I was assigned a job on my second day there, because I too own a car. I was told by the man I just mentioned that it normally takes about 2 weeks before they send a person out, apparently it gives them time to get to know you, and to see that you WANT to work, and are not just there to have somewhere to go after you leave the shelter in the morning. I'm sure some people do just that, because when I was called to the window and offered my assignment, the first thing they asked me was "Do you want to work?"
That caught me by surprise for a second, because I figured that that was the whole reason anyone would come in at 6 in the morning and sign in. Apparently that's not the case. Anyway, back to the man I mentioned earlier. I had walked outside to have a smoke, and his car was parked next to mine in the parking lot. He was reaching in his car for something, and when I approached with my lit cigarette, he turned and asked me if I had one I could spare. I didn't give it a second thought, and gave him one, as I usually do if someone asks me for a smoke. But then he did something I did NOT expect. He offered me a package of crackers, while asking me if I had eaten that morning. I said something to the effect of "No, but I don't usually eat in the mornings", because I don't. I rarely eat breakfast, I may eat a bagel or something small, but usually it's nothing at all. However, right away I could tell he was offering it to me as a trade for the cigarette. And not from anything he said, it was just a feeling I got, because let's face it, if all you have in the world is in your car, and you are around a lot of guys who are just as bad off as you are, or worse, it stands to reason that in order to survive, you trade for your needed resources on a regular basis. But the fact that he offered me the crackers, and then to top it off, a few moments later, a package of stuffed peppers, really struck a chord in me. This man was obviously either living out of his car, or perhaps staying at the shelter at night, who knows, but he offered me some of his food, maybe something he was saving to eat later himself, just because I gave him a cigarette. But here's the kicker. Right about that time, after I politely declined the peppers, after all, I DID have food at home, he was called into the office for an assignment, and left the peppers on the roof of his car while he went in to get the work order. I'm not sure what made me do it, curiosity I guess, but I decided to check the expiration date on them (they were in a package you typically buy in a grocery store deli). What I saw shocked me. They were expired, by a full 5 MONTHS!
Most people wouldn't eat something that was expired at all, if only for a few DAYS, but here was a man that was willing to eat food that was so far expired that it had to be close to "science experiment" territory, if not already fully there. Later on, I checked the date on the crackers he gave me, and those had been expired for 2 months. There was no way that either of those items could be considered suitable for consumption, and were most likely even dangerous to eat, perhaps even fatally so. That really showed me how desperate a person's situation can get. How would your standards, of what is fit to eat and what is not, change if you were in his shoes? Do you think YOU could eat expired food?
I have always been aware of people who are homeless and hungry, like everyone else, we hear about it on the news all the time. But how many of us can say we have seen it firsthand, and spoken with someone who was in that situation? I can. And I can tell you, it puts a lot in perspective.
There's that word again. Perspective. I have written about it before, I've said, "it's all in how you look at things". "You can be having the worst day of your life, but if you don't see it that way, then it's NOT", I said. But what if every day of your life is a literal fight for survival, so much so that you would eat food that has been expired for 5 months? What kind of perspective does it take to get to the point when you will do that? I have never been to that point, so I don't know, but I can tell you this. If I were, nothing else would matter. Nothing. Every day when you wake up, your only goal is to find a way to eat, and to find someplace to sleep. That's it. None of the "normal" worries of everyday life that we all take for granted are even a factor. Trivial things don't exist. You don't care about what car you're driving, because you probably don't have one. You don't care if the clothes you're wearing are out of style, you're just happy to have something to keep you warm. You don't care if someone thinks you are fat, or skinny, all you want to do is get through one more day without starving or sleeping out in the cold and rain. Nothing else matters.
I'm glad I have had the chance to see that situation up close and personal, without having to go through it myself. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, and food in my stomach. I look forward to working each day, no matter how hard the work is, and how exhausted I am when I get home, because I HAVE a home to come to. It could be so much worse.
The job I was assigned these last 2 days was to move some furniture and other stored items from one building to another in an apartment complex.. I got up both mornings really motivated to go and do whatever work they had for me to do, which is a change in a way. This motivation is to strictly focus on working, earning money, and leave all other considerations aside. Before, when I had a job, even at Walmart, which I really enjoyed doing, I didn't have the same motivation. It's hard to explain, because it would seem like that is the only reason people HAVE a job to begin with is to make money. I guess the difference is that I have always tried to find a job that I enjoyed doing, something that made me feel like I accomplished something, or even that I was doing something that helped people. I wanted to have a sense of joy in my work, and would not be motivated to do a job I saw as "beneath" me, or one I did not enjoy doing. The fact is, especially in today's economy and job market, those are luxuries most of us cannot afford. If a job is offered, no matter what it is, it's best to take it. Because there aren't enough to go around.
I have had quite a few jobs in my life, and I'm sorry to say I have been, in the past, fired or laid off from several of them strictly due to a lack of motivation. A lot of it had to do with my alcohol abuse that was rampant in my 20's and 30's, as it caused me to oversleep on countless occasions, and to call out sick when I was merely hung over. But a great majority of the time, the reason I did not have the motivation to go to work was because I was more focused on how "horrible" the job was, rather than the fact that without the job, there would be no money. And money is the only real reason people go to work, well, most of us anyway. So now, it's my only motivation. Whether I enjoy it or not, or if it gives me satisfaction, or any other emotional considerations are no longer a factor.
This is probably the longest post I have ever written, and it's not over. But I have my reasons. I applaud you if you have read this far down into the post, as I myself have found some of my writing to be exceedingly tedious and repetitious at times lol.......but now, for the second part of today's story.......
I have a friend who just the other day had something happen to her that one would usually see on television on an episode of "Fringe" perhaps, certainly the stuff of science fiction normally, but for her, it was reality. She woke up and had forgotten the last 15 years of her life. This means she did not know where she was, because she and her husband had moved during that time frame. She had no idea who her own children were, as they were all born during the time period she had forgotten. She could not remember who some of her relatives were (those that married into the family during the 15 years she couldn't remember), the fact that she was active in a local church, and had no idea how to use her laptop, which prior to her memory loss was something that rarely left her side. She has friends she met in that 15 year span, myself included, and some very close friends that she met in that time frame, that she does not remember.
How would YOU feel if you woke up one day and had seemingly jumped forward in time 15 years, and you didn't recognize most of the people in your life, or much of anything around you? How would that affect you?
Again, it's a matter of your own personal perspective and perceptions, but there's nothing that can prepare someone for a situation like that. Nothing. Retrograde amnesia, in my opinion, is probably one of the most frightening things a person could ever experience. I can't even imagine what she's going through, the enormity of it is overwhelming. Luckily she has a great family that has rallied around her, and, she is a longtime friend of Bella's, they've known each other for 27 years, so she still remembered her. They've been talking a lot these past few days, which is hopefully bringing her some sense of normalcy in what has got to be one of the most chaotic situation a person can ever be in. I have chatted with her myself on Yahoo messenger twice since it happened, and she's told me how scary and confusing it's been, and she told me this even though, from her perspective, I am a total stranger.
She is a wonderful person, I love her dearly. I pray that she is able to regain her memory soon, and hope that you all will keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers.
If you would like more information on her situation, Bella has written a much more detailed post about what happened, on her blog, Memoirs of a Crazy Witch.
In closing this post I would just like to say thank you, for taking the time to read about my ever changing perspective on life. I'm even considering changing the name of my blog from "Perthro's Pronouncements" to "Perth's Perspective", because I think it's more apt. What do you think?
I hope you all have a wonderful day.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Breast Cancer Walk.....and the start of a new week
Hello folks, nice to see you again.
Today I went to a local Breast Cancer Walk with Bella and Jack and Alex. There were 6, 000 people that came and walked a 5 km course to raise money for breast cancer research. It was really fun, they had 3 hours of entertainment before the walk actually started, and it was a gorgeous day. I had never done anything like that before, but I can truly say I'd love to do it again.
Bella still has her walking boot, but she walked the entire course, basically an hour's walk, with no problem. I'm so proud of her. She said before we went that if she made it through the walk with no issues, that she'd definitely want to start walking again on a daily basis like she did before. Just check out her blog, Memoirs of a Crazy Witch, and read some of her posts from about this time last year, and you'll see what I mean.
The other thing I wanted to talk about is the upcoming week. I've been in Florida for almost a month now, and it's time I got a job and got my life started. Tomorrow morning I'm going out to get some applications, and to talk to some people about jobs. I can't wait to get working again. I had been at Walmart for a year and a half, with no vacation, so having a month off has been nice, but it's time to get back to work.
I'm getting restless. I want my own place, I want to start living like everyone else. I have lived with other people for a long time now, but I want MY house, with MY stuff in it, where I can invite MY friends to come over and hang out. I want to be able to leave my job at night (or in the morning, depending on the shift I'm working lol) and come home to MY house.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like where I am. It's absolutely wonderful here with Bella, I could not be happier that she and Jack opened up their home to me, and gave me a chance to come back to Florida. But they have their own life, and me being here, whether they say it or not, has disrupted that life. I'm one extra mouth to feed, one extra body using up the utilities, a bed, and just taking up space in general lol. While they are more than happy to have me here, the fact is, I am an able bodied adult, one who should have a home of his own.
So this next week is going to be a busy one for me. Jobs don't come easy these days. I am going to have to put forth a lot of effort to find one soon.
My vacation is over, time to get back to work!
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