Cooking.....I want to be a chef.....at least in my own house.....

I want to cook. I have wanted to for some time now, it's been a desire of mine, just like my desire to learn to play the cello. But recently, I've really gotten more and more desire to cook, and here's why.


I've been watching the show "Masterchef" on Fox, it comes on at 8 eastern, 7 central......and it's really inspired me to want to cook, more than ever. The people that are contestants on the show are people just like you and me, common everyday people, with dreams of becoming full time chefs.


The dishes they've presented to the judges, in most cases, in my opinion, are nothing short of miraculous. These 3 guys are all well known and respected chefs, at the top of their profession, and for them to find the common person's concoctions to be worthy of the food served by master chefs is really extraordinary. But it just proves to me that *anyone* can be a good cook. And I want to be one of them. 


I don't have aspirations to be a world renowned cook like Gordon Ramsay or Graham Elliot or Joe Bastianich, but I do want to be a 5 star chef in my own home. When I entertain guests, I want to be able to cook food that will make them want to come back for more. I want MY house to be the place everyone wants to go for parties, for the big ball game, and for holidays too. 


But most of all, I just want to know how to cook for myself, because I like to eat, and I want to be able to cook some of the awesome food I've seen online and in restaurants and on television. I want to know what a brisque is (if I've even spelled that correctly lol), I want to make the perfect souffle. And for no other reason than I want to be able to cook a large variety of dishes, so I never get bored eating the same thing all the time.


I wasn't taught much about how to cook as a child. I was a boy, so what would I need to know other than how to boil water, or scramble an egg, right? My wife would cook for me, so I didn't need to know.......or so I thought. My parents didn't seem to lean in either direction, to try to teach me to cook or not, so I only learned the most basic cooking skills, by observation. They always thought I'd be a doctor or lawyer or something, I was the "smart" kid, see. Cooking was not high on their list of things I needed to learn about. And likewise, it was not on mine either. I didn't develop a desire to cook until fairly recently, when I struck out on my own.


Which brings me to the issue at hand. As many of you know, I live with roommates at the moment, with one of my best friends and his girlfriend. They own the house, and pay the mortgage, I rent a room. Just a room, and the use of the guest bathroom. C (the girlfriend) is very particular about her kitchen however, nothing can be out of place, and she gets highly agitated if anyone tries to cook other than herself. So, I decided to save myself the trouble of dealing with her attitude, and adopted a diet that is mainly food that doesn't require any stove top cooking. The microwave is useful, but I can't really buy frozen microwavable foods either. There is little room in their freezer for me to store anything of mine, because of how much of their stuff is in there. So, I am left with almost no ability to cook anything at all, and I eat mostly canned and prepackaged food that does not require freezing or refrigeration. (read: lots of Chef Boyardee and PB and J). I also have a collection of snack foods, 90 percent of which is completely unhealthy, but in my situation, I have little choice. C just hates for anyone to cook in her kitchen.


So what I need first is my own apartment. An apartment with a nice kitchen, maybe even a house with one. One with a lot of storage space, and a full stove and oven. I don't know if I can find something like that around here, from what I've heard from friends, most apartments in this area don't have kitchens like that, especially in a studio apartment. I don't need a big place, but I guess I'll need to get one if I want a decent kitchen. So my first goal is to move out of where I'm living now.


Then of course I'll need all the tools of the trade. I used to work on cars, so I know a thing or two about tools. The kitchen is no different. They are just tools that by nature are required to be clean before use lol. I don't even know where to start though, do I first buy a good cutlery set? Or do I need pots and pans first? Do I need a cutting board, or will the counter be ok? These and many other questions have been rolling around like a wayward rolling pin in my head. Crap, I'm sure I'll need one of those too, I mean I love to bake. I've done a few of the "roll the dough" type of baked goods, but for the most part it's been the box cakes and premade cookies, the ones that you basically pull out of the package and throw in the oven. But I want to make those things from scratch, I want to be able to say that I made it, and not just say I opened the package and stuck the contents in the oven. That's not original, and that's not me. 


The personal touch, something created by me, that's what I want. Culinary creations. They can be works of art too. Haven't we all said at one time or another that something was too "pretty" to eat? Sure we have, and that's art. Like I said before, I don't paint or draw or sculpt, but I bet I can learn the ability to sculpt a pretty good meatloaf. Mmmm, now there's one I'd like to learn early, I love a good meatloaf.


One day soon, I'm going to move out, and I'll start cooking for myself. I just hope my food turns out edible, or it'll be back to the Chef Boyardee, and trust me folks, it sucks to have to live off of food like that. I am reminded of something Yoda said in the movie "The Empire Strikes Back". He said "How you get so tall eating food of this kind?" I feel the same way about my self imposed diet. It's not healthy, and if I were a child, and still growing, I'm certain I would not grow to my full potential. 


Cooking is not rocket science, hell, it might be harder in some ways. I know I'll be able to figure out the proportions of ingredients pretty well, and I am motivated to learn from my mistakes. I can't wait to get started. All I need now is the means to rent my own place.


I put in a job application today, the first time I've done that in over a year. But while I enjoy working at Walmart, and have a passion for putting new freight on the shelves, it does not pay well enough for me to accomplish my goals. So I am getting a second job. With the extra income, I can save up to move out, and get my life going in the direction I know it is meant to go. Action, not words, that's what I'm about these days.


Soon enough, there will be pies in my oven, and stir fry on my stove top, and maybe, just maybe, there will be something worthy of a real chef.


My place. My kitchen. It's going to happen. 


Next up, the cello. Being creative through music, and not in the "classical" sense.....................stay tuned........

Hooray for weekends!

Today might be Monday, the start of the week for most, but it's the start of the weekend for me!


I had a pretty good night at work, we got done with our freight pretty early, and then worked a bunch of backstock that went out pretty well. It's a good feeling to see the shelves full when I leave in the morning.


I don't have any concrete plans for my weekend, other than doing some cleaning up around my room. I am going to troll the internet for available jobs in my area, just to see what's out there right now. Never know what might turn up.


I've got one of those e-readers, the Nookcolor, from Barnes and Noble. It has been giving me issues trying to connect it properly to the wireless net here at the house, ever since I got it back in March. I figured it was a problem with the router or something, but I had not called customer service about it till yesterday. They walked me through a few tests, and determined that it's defective, and they're sending me a brand new one! Isn't that cool!


It's a really cool device, almost like an Ipad. You're supposed to be able to get on the internet with it, which mine won't do here at home, but it will connect and go to the internet everywhere else I go that has wifi. A lot of apps are coming out for it, most if not all of them for less than $5. You can really use it like a mobile computer, especially if you add in a micro SD card. I've got an 8 gig one in mine, and saved some movies to it. Works great if you're out and about and need some entertainment for a few hours. Of course it also has the books, right now I have 72 of them on it, downloaded from Barnes and Noble's shop app. The great thing about most books is that they are strictly text only, which doesn't take up a lot of space. With those 72 books installed, I'm only using up about 70 megabytes of the 5 gigs of onboard storage it has, which I think is pretty impressive.


Oh, and did I mention that every one of those books I got for FREE? They have a database of almost 2 MILLION free books, and I mean I have barely browsed a tenth of that, and downloaded 72 books. It's amazing. There's fiction, non-fiction, self help, you name a category, and I bet they have a book about it, totally free. And then there's the ones that cost money, but so far, most I've seen are $10 or less, still a fantastic deal. You can also get magazine and newspaper subscriptions, transmitted to your Nook as they are released, provided of course you have it connected to the internet. 


I really want to be able to use it in place of a laptop, to keep important files with me, and have something productive to do when I'm not home. So hopefully when I get my new one it will connect to the wifi and allow me to browse the internet and upload files, without having to physically connect it to my PC. Everyone's got these touch screen "smart" phones and mobile devices these days, and I am really far behind in my "tech" know how because I haven't had such devices, or, in this case, the one I have isn't working properly. 


But I have now done something to fix the problem, rather than settle for less than what I want. I'm paying more attention to my thoughts, and I find that a lot of times I don't do things because I figure I will or can do them later, and that's not always the case. Plus, I forget sometimes. So what I did was to think twice, and decide to do whatever I usually put off till later...RIGHT NOW! 


I never labeled myself a procrastinator before, but I'm pretty sure I've got a chronic case. Too many things get put away "till tomorrow", and then NEVER get done. 


This weekend, I'm going to find some of those things, things that got thrown aside, and get them done. I'm not even sure what they'll be yet......but I'm sure I'll find plenty in the stacks of paperwork I have, and in just "stuff" I have in boxes and bags here in my room. I'll find plenty to do, and in the process, might get things a little uncluttered. I've got until Wednesday at 10 pm, time enough to get quite a lot done.


Hooray for weekends!

More on motivation....

I got off work this morning, and for no apparent reason, I was feeling really down and depressed. 


Normally that would mean I would spend most of the day pretty much feeling sorry for myself, not doing anything, and becoming MORE depressed. 


Life on my own has not turned out like I thought it would, not surprisingly, because I haven't done anything to change it. I posted a few days ago about how I get motivated when I'm angry, and since then, I've been wondering how to get motivated when I'm NOT angry.


Then today, it dawned on me. You basically just have to DO it. You have to make a mental decision to be motivated, no matter what mood you're in. Your emotional state really has little to do with it. You just have to decide to be motivated, and then Voila! You are!


Sitting and feeling sorry about how your life isn't the way you want it to be is not going to get you anywhere. 


I've read lots of things that tell you how to change your life, how to make it the life you want, but I never "got" it.


People who have the lives they want are motivated to make them happen, and do things to make them happen. Not because they wake up every day with a smile on their face and a great big emotional "get up and go" attitude either. They make it happen because every day, no matter their emotional state, they DECIDE to be motivated to get things accomplished.


One thing that has been in the back of my mind lately is my job. You know, how it doesn't make me the money I need. The only way to change that is to find a new one. 


I want my own place, but I have apparently not been motivated enough to go out and look for one.


I want a newer car, not that there's anything wrong with the one I have. I got some repairs done to it recently, but there are things this car does not have, like air conditioning, a trunk release (believe it or not, it didn't come with one, you always have to open the trunk with the key), or even a cupholder. These are things I want to have, but I have not been motivated to find the means to get one.


A lot of this stuff takes time, and of course money. The problem is, as I have stated before, I have allowed myself to settle for what I have, and not get motivated to improve on the quality of my life. 


All it really takes is a change in mindset. Emotional concerns should not affect it. At least not to the extent that, in my case, I settle for less than what I want because I'm too busy feeling bad. Or, I have just not decided to be motivated to make changes.


No matter how I feel then, I can be motivated, or I can NOT be. It's my choice.


An interesting revelation, just thought I'd share.

Being creative

There have been creative thoughts brewing in my noggin for a couple of days now, and today, I think I figured out how I can best be creative. 


I am not a crafty sort of person, I don't paint, or draw, or sculpt, or knit or crochet, or make things from wood,  or any other of the traditional "crafts" a person can think of. I write stories on occasion, short snippets usually, not novels or poems or anything. If and when I DO write, I write in spurts, often going for months without getting any inspiration for new material. 


What I AM good at however, and I often take time to investigate, is mechanical stuff, science and technology stuff in particular. I love a good gadget, especially if it has moving parts. And it doesn't have to be designed by humans to catch my eye either. This particular "gadget" I discovered today is made up of nothing BUT moving parts. LIVE ones. Check this video out to see what I mean.

What you're seeing there is a colony of fire ants that has created a "raft" from their own bodies, a mechanism they employ when their nest is flooded, so they can escape and move along to colonize somewhere else. As you can see, because they are utilizing the surface tension of the water to keep themselves afloat, the "raft" is virtually unsinkable, even when physically forced down into the water. 


Seeing this has helped inspire me to do what has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember, and that is to invent something. Do something, or rather, make something useful for humanity that has never been thought of, let alone done before. I was having a hard time thinking of ideas, after all, it IS the 21st century, right? There aren't many areas of our lives that have NOT been invented for and reinvented again and again. We have "convenienced" ourselves to death with all the gagdets and gizmos we use every day to make our stay here in the physical world all that much easier. So what could there possibly be left to invent?


These ants have shown me that I need look no further than to our natural world, to the other creatures that inhabit it with us, to find inspiration for things to invent. An invention to help us live fuller and more productive lives, and is this particular case, LONGER lives. How often do we find ourselves faced with the problem of how to stay on TOP of a body of water? We don't have the ability to walk on water like an ant, so we use devices to keep ourselves afloat, such as boats and ships, and, when things go awry, inflatable rafts. These rafts can be rather big and bulky, even when deflated.  They have to be, using inflation technology, so they are large enough to carry a specific amount of weight when inflated. 


Scientists are studying these fire ants to apply their "technology" to advance our understanding of waterproofing. For details, read this. However, I see no reason we cannot adapt their method of flotation to our own use, in making our own rafts. They would be very thin and lightweight, but be able to carry heavy loads and not sink, even when protruding beneath the surface. 


Think of the possibilities of such an invention. Lifeboats on ships could be so small you could carry one in your pocket like a handkerchief, or perhaps they'd be a little larger, the size of a standard notebook. Fold it out and throw it on the water, and then jump aboard, and you could stay afloat indefinitely till help arrived. 


I have to say, I truly believe that nature has all the best ideas right under our noses, if we only stop to look. Modern conveniences, all invented and improved upon by man? I say NO, most of the things we take for granted were first "invented" by our friends outdoors, we've only "borrowed" their clever solutions to everyday problems.


I want to invent, to create, and to do that, I'm going to study nature. I'm going to find out what animals do to survive, and maybe I'll find a few more inspirations along the way. 

My 100th post!!

Yes folks, this is my 100th post on this blog! I started it back in January of 2010, and in order to "celebrate" my 100th post, I want to go back and make a few references to some things I said in what is in effect my first post. The post that says "Hey, I started a blog" in my mind doesn't count as a "real" post lol.

In that first post I made mention of the realization that I had never lived on my own. My exact words were "... I realized that in 38 years of life, I have never lived on my own. Never had my own place, never had only myself to depend on for my daily needs. You know, food, clean clothes, waking up on time, that sort of stuff. Never had to do that all completely on my own. That is a sobering thought. And a very exciting one. I think I would like the single life."


Well, it's been over a year now since I moved out on my own. I could not have known when I wrote those words, back in January of last year, about what would happen in the next few months which led to where I am today. I am now and have been living the "single life", providing for myself in every aspect, including food, having clean clothes, and yes, waking up on time. So far it has gone very well, and yes, I *do* like it. The chaos that surrounded me back then did not give me adequate time or even the ability to really think about what I wanted, or where I wanted to be, and now, I am a completely different person because of having that ability *and* time. I can also say there is nothing I miss about the life I had back then, and I would never go back to it. I like being my own boss, not having anyone to "answer" to, I mean sure, I have to answer to my employer, but that's completely different. The managers at work are concerned with getting the job at hand done, not at micromanaging  MY life, which is the situation I was in with my wife. It feels so good to not have that now.


Now I am free to do whatever it is I decide to put my mind to, whatever it is I decide to focus on. A year ago that thought would have been alien to me, I was so chained to "her" mentally that my thoughts always began with how *she* would react to my decisions, how would *she* gripe and bitch at me if I do this, or *not* do that? But now, things are different. After almost 20 years of having that mindset, I finally have my own mind, and while every once in a while, in dealing with her, those same sorts of thoughts creep up, most of the time, I think with my OWN mind, regardless of how she might react.


The reason I am mentioning this at all is because for the better part of the last year, I was going through the process of shedding that "old" me, the one that was afraid of what she might do if I did not do her bidding. Yes, I was afraid of her. I'll admit it. I was deathly afraid of what she would do, because I had (in my own mind) given her control over everything I did, and even what I thought. So therefore, I felt that if I didn't do what she said, that there was some sort of awful thing that she could do to me, and the thought was there all the time. I never thought for myself, never said, "Hey me, I don't like this, I want to stop doing this!" Every thought and every action hinged on what she would say or think about it.


There was another reason, an underlying reason, for my "fear" of her. It was the fear of abandonment, the same one that got me with her to start with. I latched on to her when I was feeling the "need" to have someone love me, as I have documented before, due to my affection issues with my mother. I had it in my mind that even though she was not always nice, she was at least a lot more affectionate towards me than my mother had been. Granted, consciously I did not see her as a "mother", but I think in a lot of ways, subconsciously, I did. So to not keep her satisfied would mean I would lose the person who was filling that motherly role, and I believe that was why I had the "fear" of her being upset or angry.


I don't know if all that is absolutely true, I'm not a psychologist, but I do know that my thoughts now tell me that it's at least partially true, and it's the reason I did not get up and leave a lot sooner. I was dependent. Plain and simple. 


Today is my 100th post, and today I am a celebrating it by being ME, by thinking with my own thoughts, and making decisions based on my own wishes. Last year is gone, done, over with. Today is May 28, 2011, and today I can say I am happy being single.

What a mess.....

Here I was, thinking that everything was going well, and then, BAM!

I got a notice in the mail just 2 days before payday that there would be a garnishment taken out of my pay, for a medical bill my ex incurred 6 or 7 years ago. Since I am still legally married to her, I guess this means that it is *my* responsibility to pay it, even though the original bill was in her name only. It completely sucks, and I'm taking steps to get the garnishment stopped, because this paycheck was exactly 170 dollars and 25 cents less than normal, and it will be difficult to survive on what's left. Well, not *very* difficult, but I would rather not have "lost" that money. If the hospital wants their money, I can understand that, she needed emergency hernia surgery and did not have medical insurance, so they then billed her later for doing it. But I'll be damned if they are going to take 25% of my paychecks to get their payment.

The kicker is, my ex was more pissed off about it than I was, but of course that's just because she knows it means I will be sending her less money if the garnishment continues. 

So anyway, I am going to be on the phone today, trying to work this out...........funny how things turn around in such a short time. There I was, pretty well enjoying life, not feeling much in the way of any emotion, but now, I've felt plenty. Anger obviously, because this is *still* an issue after 7 years. I'm upset, because they hit me where it hurts, in my wallet. I had thought that I was incapable of feeling anything there for a while, in part because I had not allowed myself to become upset or angry about anything that was going on. But, I guess I didn't feel anything because nothing had happened to elicit any strong emotions. I mean, everything that happens happens exactly the way it's supposed to, right? That's what I assume, so what's the point in getting all riled up about it?

I'll tell you what the point is. You're not supposed to go through life just letting things happen to you, because it's the way it's "supposed" to happen, and never feeling or doing anything about it. You're supposed to *live* your life, not be an observer, which is what you are if you do not "react" to what happens, you are inactive, just watching life go by. A friend told me yesterday that I need to be proactive, and she's right. The only way anyone is proactive however is when they feel strongly enough about something that they choose to take action, and I believe this is what this experience is meant to teach me. Don't feel, don't do, just sit and watch, and things will happen *to* you. But get up and do something, be proactive, and things will happen *for* you. Two completely different things. 

I have made it my goal to control my emotions in recent months, but I believe in doing so I have gone too far in the opposite direction, in other words, I've chosen not to feel *anything*, rather than risk going "overboard" with whatever emotion I might have been feeling at the moment. I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as going "overboard", or rather, letting the emotion run too high. Should it not be more like letting myself feel the emotion as I really "want" to, but remembering to not let it overwhelm me, so that I make rash or not well thought out decisions? Yes, I think so. I have had that problem in the past, letting my emotions make my decisions, rather than calming myself and thinking logically about the problem at hand.

I have never been much of a proactive person, and I think the only times I have been are when I was upset or angry about the situation at hand, and then, wow, did I get a lot done. Especially when I was really really angry about something, then there's no stopping me. Why can't I be like that when I'm *not* furiously angry? I would be so much further along in life if I was. I would have a job that pays better, I would be in my chosen career (working on computers), and I would probably not be sitting here in a house where I can't cook even a simple meal without hearing about it from my roommate. But no, I just let life pass me by, because for one reason or another I do not feel strongly enough about anything to be proactive and get something done. That's the bottom line.

As the saying goes, "If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it." That's not been me.

So much has been made of people who are "successful" in life, but how did they get there? Not by sitting and watching as others got promoted, or bought a house, or got that degree, no, they went out and did something, because they wanted it bad enough to make it happen. And want is an emotion, or rather, is a natural instinct that is closely tied to emotions. When a desire or "want" is strong enough, then you are compelled to fulfill that desire with very strong emotions. 

So maybe this situation is meant to teach me that my problem is not in the emotions I'm feeling, but more in how bad I "want" things for my life. I'm usually content with very little, not "wanting" much, which isn't a bad thing, but maybe I'm a little *too* content. Content to let life pass me by because I never get up and get anything done, since my emotions don't allow me to feel as though I really need or want something.

I have had numerous experiences in this lifetime that should have taught me this lesson, as a matter of fact, I believe I have mentioned some of them here in my blog before. I sincerely hope this is the last time this life will attempt to teach me this lesson. Only time will tell if I have learned it. It has been a cyclical thing with me, for a few days I am all full of vigor, ready to tackle anything, and then I go back to being content, and let life pass me by. Let us hope that this time is different. One key point is the "vigor" part of it. I can't obviously keep a high level of emotion all the time, to try and motivate myself to do things, no, rather, I feel I should just lower my level of contentment, to one that is *not* happy with how things are at the moment, and therefore I will be motivated naturally to take action. That's all it will take. Find a want or desire, and inject a little more want and desire into it, and presto, new motivation. If I truly want to have a better life, then I have to really want it, or it isn't going to happen, end of story.

Sure, everything that happens just as it should, but if there isn't any motivation, what happens will be nothing, and you will not have a life at all.

Sure sucks that I had to lose a quarter of a paycheck to figure that out.

The next chapter.........

Last night, before I got ready to go to work, I had a sort of epiphany. Not the kind when you are contemplating a deep subject, or complicated decision, and you happen upon the answer, no, this was a sort of "click" in my head, something that said, "Hey, dude, this is stupid! You need to get out there and get going with your life!" I have all ideas it was one of my spirit guides, vocally telling me it was time to take action.

To that end I have decided to "put myself out there", here in "blogland" and on Facebook, specifically, in commenting on your blog posts, statuses, and even sending some of you emails, if you have your email address posted. I have a strong desire to make a change, to make new connections, because I feel that it's time for the next chapter in my life to begin. I've felt like this before, but this time is different.

I've been through a pretty huge upheaval in just about every aspect of my life over the last year, both in my everyday life, as well as personally, internally. I've learned a lot, especially about who I am. I've learned first and foremost to be careful with my emotions, and to be able to recognize and discern what emotions I am feeling, especially those that on the surface appear to be something they are not. It has been a problem for me, recently and in years past, thinking that I was feeling love for someone when in fact it was only a sexual attraction or even infatuation, as in the case of my ex. Never before have I felt like I do now, it's a feeling of having been through a "schooling", of having been through experiences that have taught me the true nature of emotions. I spent a large portion of my life living through my ego, needing a woman there all the time telling me they love me, and enjoying the outpouring of affection towards me, all the while not feeling any TRUE feelings of affection of my own. There WERE feelings, but none like that of a man truly "in love". This can all be traced back to a problem I had with my mother, or, to put it more aptly, my perceptions of how she doled out her affection, or the lack thereof.

The truth of the matter is, I am very selective when it comes to doling out my own affections, and it takes a lot for me to really feel true love for a person. I think everyone is like that. We "like" a lot of people, we even "love" a few (not including family, that's a different kind of love entirely). The love can be very deep, but not be romantic in nature at all. Romantic love is something I think we only ever truly feel with a select few people. In my opinion, that's what makes it special. It's not something you can just jump into, I mean sure, I suppose it happens on occasion, but to really love someone that way I think it requires a bit more, something akin to a "learning" period, where you each start out as friends. Attracted to each other physically, sure, but that's really just the beginning. I think a lot of men fall into that trap, thinking with "the wrong head". But there are so many other factors. And each of those factors is unique to each couple. You have to have similar interests, and really enjoy each other's company, and be able to understand that you WILL have differences. The key to a healthy relationship is to be able to love the other person in such a way though that those differences don't matter to you. You are are happy to let them be who they are, while they let you be who YOU are, without feeling like you have to compromise yourself to maintain the relationship. I ran into that one in a BIG way with my ex. I do feel that people who are truly in love have a deep, spiritual connection, one that oftentimes spans the ages. In other words, this lifetime is not their first one together, nor will it be their last. Such is the case with those that "know" each other even before they ever really start talking. But that describes a LOT of romances, now doesn't it? You make that "connection", you look into each other's eyes for the first time, and you just KNOW they are the one. For any relationship of this nature though, it still takes a bit more work. And that's what I'm talking about. I think in order to have a real "true love" relationship, it takes time, and even more importantly, honesty, by both parties. And I'm not only talking about to each other, I mean to each of them themselves. THIS my friends, is where I had the problem.

I had never once been completely honest with myself, or even been aware that I was not. I had taught myself at an early age that I desperately "needed" to have a woman by my side, expressing her affection for me, and "doting" on me, making me feel "wanted" and having me as her "one and only"; these were the words in my head, even if I didn't acknowledge it. But then past all that, there was the real me, the one who didn't need that at all, and actually, rather disliked the "clingy" feeling of it. The person I really was, and still am, would rather have a woman who first connects with me on an intellectual level, one who is practical, logical, and here's the kicker: one who is not very emotional at all. Meaning, not much in the way of outward expression of emotions. I am the kind of person who, while my astrological chart would say otherwise, is a very UNemotional person, and I like being around those who are as well. (For those who don't already know, I am a Cancer, with a moon in Scorpio and a rising sign of Pisces. All 3 water signs rolled into one. Usually a recipe for a VERY emotional person.) That's not to say I don't FEEL emotions, it's just that I'm not outwardly emotional at all. A fact that several of my coworkers have commented on. They've said things like "You always seem to be so levelheaded, so calm, nothing gets you riled up", and things of that nature. And in the course of my everyday life, that holds true, for almost any situation. I don't let things get to me, I don't get upset about much, and I don't go overboard with ANY emotion, be it anger, love, sadness, anything. And here's the OTHER kicker: just about every time in my life that I HAVE gotten overly emotional, and fallen "in love" with someone, it's been because of my ego's attempt to fill the "void" left by my mother. But not once has it been true love.

I'm sorry to say that it's happened to me on at least 3 separate occasions, and each time, when I realized what I was doing, I ended the relationship. There is no excuse for what I did to each of those women, breaking their hearts like I did, because all 3 were very much in love with me, and I feel very very bad about that. I never intended to hurt any of them, but the truth is, I did, and for that I am truly sorry. But I could not go on in a relationship in which I was not being honest, either with myself or with the one involved. I cannot live a lie. On the same token, however, I am grateful to them for being here in this lifetime to help me learn my lesson.

So you see folks, as the next chapter of my life begins, I feel I have learned my lesson finally, and the next time a romantic relationship presents itself, I intend to act according to my honest intentions, and not feed my ego, which, while under control, will still be a part of me. Everyone has one, no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. These bodies, we in our physical forms, I believe in essence "creates" the ego. Or, it is nurtured in us as children, I'm not sure which. I'll have to study it further. As far as I understand it, it's our initial sense of "self", our initial senses as to what we "need" and "want", and we are driven to feed those desires at all costs. As adults, many of us continue to feed the ego in the same way we did as children. Or not. Like I said, I'll have to investigate further. Here's the thing though. I don't really want to. I'm on a different "quest" at the moment, and that is to live life, to have more experiences, to learn the lessons I came here to learn.

One of the things I have a strong desire to do in this next chapter of my life I mentioned at the top of this post, namely, putting myself "out there", but I didn't mention the reasons why. I want to connect with other pagans like me, I want to know what your experiences are, spiritually, I want to know how you see yourself outside of your ego and physical self. Do you believe this is your only life, or do you believe, like me, that you've had many lifetimes? Do you worship a god or goddess, or do you believe as I do, and not see them as "deities", but rather companions, here to help you on your journey?  If you did not grow up as a pagan, how has your life changed since you "converted"? Do you feel differently about the "other side"? These are a few of the questions I intend to ask, and I also hope to make some new friends, ones that I converse with regularly, this is a time for me to network. I have a strong feeling that a few of you out there are needed in my life at the moment, and likewise I for you. I look forward to meeting you, and talking with you soon.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I hope you have a great day.