Saturday, January 9, 2010

Days of chaos

I woke up at 10:42 this morning, to the sounds of chaos. Nothing new in this household, with 5 kids and 4 adults. The sounds of Hinder in my head (the song Bliss (I don't want to know)), every morning it seems I awake with one song or another playing in my head. The song's title is just as you see it there, with the parentheses around the "I don't want to know" part, and for the greater part of the song, that's what he's saying. There's the part that repeats over and over, "I don't want to know it's over, so save your goodbye kiss, I don't want to know it's over, 'cause ignorance is bliss...". I like the way he says that, or maybe how it goes well with the melody they picked, I don't really know, but it's playing on the radio station in my head.

Anyway I decided right away to get up and start a post, before I really got into doing anything else, and fortuitously, the other adults decided to go to the grocery store, so I am here alone with the kids. They are all doing their own thing, playing, watching tv, or whatever, so for the moment, I am in relative solitude. Normally I get up and crank up my laptop and go directly to my Yahoo messenger to see if my best friend is online and start chatting with her, but I decided this time to go ahead and write first. See, without the other adults around, the kids are out of their "hey gimme attention" mode, so it really is the best time to write. Plus, I told myself that I would write, no matter what. And I really want to do it too. So it wasn't too hard to convince myself.

Lots of things in my life are out of my control, like most people's. The thing that is different is me. How I decide to react. My life is not so bad. I have a roof over my head, most of the time food in my mouth, well ok if you call store bought prepackaged nukable stuff food. Not talking tv dinner here, just those "hey look, 10 minute prep" stuff. Still not adequate in the nutrition department. Other times it's BBQ chicken. Take defrosted chicken breasts or leg quarters, slather them in the BBQ sauce of your choice, and stick them in the oven for an hour. Real original. But I can't complain about it, if I want better, I should make it myself. I'm not much better in the cooking department, but I'm working on learning.

It began some time ago when I realized that in 38 years of life, I have never lived on my own. Never had my own place, never had only myself to depend on for my daily needs. You know, food, clean clothes, waking up on time, that sort of stuff. Never had to do that all completely on my own. That is a sobering thought. And a very exciting one. I think I would like the single life. And yet, I wouldn't. Too used to all the chaos. I abhor chaos, but when something is always there, in your life, and then suddenly it is gone, you tend to miss it. Even when that something is something you hate. Funny how that works. I guess I'll see what happens. I'm sure I'll be fat, dumb, and happy.

Right now I am very optimistic about the way things are going. The reason? I just feel it. Things are turning the proverbial corner. Sure there are problems, but aren't there always? On second thought, maybe what turned the corner was me, and the way I feel about things. I've been through this before. It's a cycle of highs and lows. One day I'll be all "woe is me", and the next day I will be all optimistic about my life and what the future holds. Everyone does it. Even the people who claim not to be emotional. All of us have the same feelings. It is just in how we choose to show them that is different. So I guess, all things considered, I'm pretty normal. I'll go through life dealing with each day as it comes, doing what I need to do to. And maybe that is all there is to it.

Oh and the chaos? Yeah it's still here. But everyone has SOME kind of chaos. Even if it's only in their mind.


  1. You are so right about chaos, and being so used to something, even when it is something you may not like, goes tend to miss it.

    Take Alex for instance. I am with her 24/7 for months and months at a time, and will be so frustrated and want a break so bad, but let her spend the night with grandma and I miss her like crazy, I go to her room to check on her because she is "too quiet" and feel confused for a nanosecond when she is not there before I remember she is gone for the night.

    Everyone feels it, and like you said, the only thing that is different is the way you react to it and show it.

    Fat, dumb, and happy made me laugh because while you wont be dumb the others will most likely be true. I can already envision the conversations about cooking we will have, and I look forward to it, and if you ever get down here I foresee lots and lots of cooking lessons!

    Great post and I am so happy you have this blog now...great things are coming, it is in the air!!

    Peace, Love and Hershey Pie babes!!!

  2. I can so relate to the never having been on your own. I, myself, just realized that the other day. In my 40 years I have never lived alone. I lived with my parents, then just my mom, then got married and lived with "HIM". I don't know what it's like to just have my own space, to depend on just me to survive the day to day. But I have learned how to survive living in chaos, which it seems what my life is now and has been for a long time.

    But anywho, love the new blog. Looking forward to reading more about you.

    Bright Blessings Rayden!