This day started out ok, pretty normal. But then tonight, I get bitched at for being a bum and not doing enough around the house. Have I mentioned this before? No? Yes? Anyhow, it's not something I mention a lot, the way I get treated around here. Constantly asked to do things, things that can be done without my intervention. Ok, so I spend a lot of time on the computer. Does that mean I don't deserve respect as a human being? Just because I don't have a job, does that make me a lazy bum?
I have tried to explain that I have applied for jobs, but no one has called back. Of course the next question is, "have you called them back?" To which I must reply "No", because I haven't. That part I give them. I guess my effort to pursue gainful employment could be better. I imagine if I had lived in someone else's house for over a year and had brought in very little money (I have done a few computer builds and made a little money) then I suppose I would be considered a lazy bum too. One who doesn't want to work.
I have been horrible in the past. I had a drinking problem and lost 2 jobs because of it. But that was in the past, 4 years ago now. That doesn't mean that it will happen again. I don't live in the past, that's already gone. So much I have done wrong, or screwed up. But so what? That doesn't mean I will do it again. I might just do things right this time. If you don't want to be with me when I finally DO catch a break and have things go my way, don't come to me afterwards looking to reconcile, because then it will be too late. I quit drinking daily 9 months ago, so how does that make it where I will screw this up too?
I told everyone in blogland that this would be different, and I meant it. I am tired. Tired of having a blog that I write in without saying what I really want to say. So here it is folks. Me as I am. I am so different now than I was when all that stuff happened, I don't smoke, I rarely drink, and I have found the spiritual path I had been looking for my entire life. If I could only tell you what I was, the way I used to be, most would think the labels were accurate. I'm just a normal person like all of you. Not special. Ok, so I have the ability to put words to paper in a reasonably legible pattern. Makes me seem to be more than I am at times. Made me seem like a victim of circumstance. I assure you all of my issues are of my own doing. Having said that, it still does not excuse the other adults in the house behaving like I have no opinion, and if by some chance I am allowed one, that it is of course wrong. No one should have to deal with that, no one.
I called my first blog Rayden's Rants, and it was because I wanted to rant and rave about anything and everything. Everyone that read it seemed to like it. Especially when I wrote my "random" posts. What I never really did was talk about everyday stuff, just write down my thoughts. You know what I did today? I tweeted. I said, "I am sitting on the couch, tweeting." Pretty simple. It was what I was doing at the time. That IS what a status update is for isn't it? This is what I always wanted to do. Just sit here and talk. I have to get this stuff out. No one around here wants to hear it, they have enough of their own problems. That must be it, because any time I try to talk to anyone, all I get is statements of how everything under the sun is wrong, and it MUST be my fault because I don't have a job. So I talk to you, my oh so gracious followers. I have known quite a few of you for some time now, and it's nice to know I have friends who I can talk to, if I would just go ahead and speak. I never really thought of it like this before, and even though several of you have come right out and said it, I never got the idea that anyone else cared.
I have been concerned about making a post with a "message", or writing one that makes people laugh. What I should have been doing was treating my blog more like a diary, one that only I read. Because then I would really say what I feel, not what I thought others wanted to hear. I think I just had a breakthrough. Sometimes it takes many months of careful prodding, and other times it takes one big shove to make a breakthrough, and usually, there is a friend who is doing the prodding and shoving. This time is no different, and she knows who she is. She has been prodding me for months to do just this, to just talk, to write what I feel. Thanks for your patience, maybe it has finally paid off.
If I have one thing to say tonight, it's that I am just plain sad. I hurt. It's not often I feel like this, but I just can't make any headway with these people, and one of them is my wife. I did all the compromising in our relationship for so many years, and I'm not doing it anymore. I want to be happy too, and I deserve to be. It just hurts me to know I didn't recognize that in the beginning, and now my daughters will not have the life I had hoped they could. Two happily married parents. They don't deserve to have a life with us fighting all the time either, so maybe it's for the best. But what makes me sad is that I my voice isn't heard, my opinion is not given a chance, and I know if I had a chance, I could really be successful. But I guess it's not meant to happen. We were never compatible to begin with. All this time seems wasted, 20 years of my life just about, but then, I think about what I have learned, where I am now, and I realize that it happened just as it should.
They say hindsight is 20/20. I hate that cliche. I don't want to look back. I want to see what's ahead. The past is gone, never to come again, and can't be changed, so why can't tomorrow be completely different than today? Just because things happened before doesn't mean they'll happen again. I wish everyone could see that. Being pagan now I feel a link more to the here and now, the energy of what is right here in front of me, the people, the events, my own body, which is part of the earth, and the universe. Deities I "knew" in the past were always distant, unreachable constructs of the pages of a book, above me, judging me, but never really "with" me. My deities now I feel are part of me, part of everything around me, I feel them in me. The way my very flesh is constructed is not just in the gods image, it is part of him, a vessel in which he resides, and my mind is very much the same, and he is accompanied by the goddess. They are both a part of who I am, what I am, and this knowledge, along with the sensations of their presence gives me a sense of self worth that I can only describe as reverence. There is no one on this planet that should be denied this feeling, for we are all part of it(the planet), and the energy of nature itself is stored in our cells. How we perceive this energy is an individual sensation, and no one's perceptions should be considered wrong. My gods may not be your gods, but I believe we are all feeling the same energy. It is us, and we are it.
Wow this one went on really long, and I'm glad. Feels good to just talk. I could go on, but it's getting late/early, and I really need to get some sleep.