I've still been doing a lot of thinking about sharing. Thinking about what I share, and about what others are willing to share with me. I've come up with an idea.
Sharing personal thoughts and problems has a lot to do with trust. If you don't trust the person you are sharing with, then you will not share personal things with them. You may not even speak to them at all. Or, if you do, you will only tell them about things that might be considered "small talk", or just share things that are obvious "here's what's happening with my day" type things. You might only give them information on what music you are listening to, what you're having for dinner, or how your kid or spouse is being annoying and a royal pain in the butt. But you won't share anything with any "meaning" to it. The things that are really on your mind. Big things. You know, problems you are having, personal feelings about something, or even a major issue going on in your life.
What I've noticed is that the reason people will not share things with someone they supposedly call a friend is that they feel they will not like the reaction they will receive. In other words, if they share a particular problem, and they know the person they are talking to will respond with a long, drawn out, emotionally charged response, they are not likely to share anything at all. Or it may be that the reaction they expect they will receive will be a negative one, one of those "get over it, stop whining, put on your grown up underwear and get on with your life" type responses. But, on the same token, they will still remain friends with that person because that person may be the type to share their most personal, deepest, darkest secrets all the time. Who doesn't like to know someone's deepest secrets, and to feel they are the ONLY one that knows them?
This is why I am convinced that I share way too much information. I have friends that would rather go tell a complete stranger about a problem they're having than come to me with it. I do all the sharing, I tell them everything, but most of the time, I get nothing shared with me. Nothing important anyway. I am beginning to get the feeling that most of my friends are only friends with me because they like to hear about my "dirt". I think others are worried that I am so "fragile" or depressed that they only feel sorry for me, and fear that if they don't remain my friend, that I will go off the deep end and kill myself or something. That could not be further from the truth, but that DOES seem to be the way some of them feel. And all because I share WAY too much.
Another indication of trust and true friendship is communication. If you truly want to talk to someone, what do you do? You email them, you are available to chat, you may even text them or call them on the phone. When you care about someone, and what they are doing, you communicate with them, often. I find this is not the case in my own life. No one emails, no one texts, or calls, and very few are available to chat on the internet. I have come to the conclusion then that there is a fundamental problem, and the problem is ME. No one WANTS to email me, and they could not care less about texting me or calling, they don't WANT to talk to me. They don't WANT to share things with me, because they don't truly trust me.
I could even take this a step further, and say that here, on my blog, no one wants to speak to me either. I write, people read, but no one says a word. I even ASK for comments, and get nothing. I'm not saying I'm the only one with this problem though, lots of bloggers have the same issue, and it's for the same reason. People want to hear and read about the "dirt", they want to know about all the really "secret" stuff. But it seems you can't expect them to share THEIR "dirt" with you the same way you share YOURS.
When you share, you are judged, plain and simple. People get an idea in their minds as to the kind of person they think you are, and for those like me who share a lot, that idea is not always a good one. In other words, if you are a "sharer", then the idea people get in their heads is that you will ALWAYS share what's in your head, and share it with anyone you come in contact with. What this means is that in their minds, regardless of whether or not it's true, you cannot keep a secret. So, they will therefore not tell you anything that they consider to be private, for fear that other people will find out. They won't tell you that to your face, but that's the reality of it. They simply don't trust you. The really sad part about that however, at least in MY case, is that while I share my personal feelings and problems with many people, I NEVER share anyone else's problems and feelings that are shared with me. When someone shares information with me of a personal nature, that information stays with ME, and is not shared with anyone else. Anyone surprised?
Don't judge a person by how much they share. Just because they are willing to air their own dirty laundry does not mean they will air YOURS. Be a true friend, communicate, tell the "sharers" what is really going on in your life. Don't let the communication be a one way street. Those of us that share a lot would like nothing more than to feel like we can be shared with too. We are not untrustworthy. Don't just be a "friend" to me or another sharer just because you like to hear about the "dirt".
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thinking.....and sharing.....too much?
As many of you know, I am separated from my wife, and rooming with friends, so for all intents and purposes, I live alone. My roommates and I have vastly different schedules, so we do not interact much, and I spend the majority of my time off work alone in my room. I don't have a lot of the daily distractions of family and the hustle and bustle that many of you do, so I have a lot of time to think.
That's not to say I'm "alone" however, as I do spend a lot of time chatting with friends online. I have 3 very special people in my life that I chat with regularly. Each one of those people have a very different personality, and also very different methods of communication, when compared to one another. However, as this "weekend" of mine progressed, each one of them gave me, in their own unique way, something to think about. My emotions have gone from some of the highest highs to some of the lowest lows I have experienced in quite some time.
While I would rather not share the details of the conversations, I do want to say that I learned a lot. About myself, about people in general, and about life. It's funny sometimes, how just a few words written on a computer screen can make you feel so happy, or so sad. In this case, I saw how differently people interact with one another, and how they share their feelings. It got me to considering how I share mine.
Here on my blog, I share a lot, and in a chat, even more so, especially to those I feel are close to me. After this weekend however, I wonder if I share too much. How much of my life, or my feelings, is too much to share? Some people are fine with hearing everything, or a lot, and others would rather not hear much at all. Further, how much should I be comfortable sharing? These are questions I hadn't really considered before.
I have never been known for my brevity. No matter what it is I'm talking about, whether it be my knowledge of cars, or computers, or anything else, I like to try to convey as many details as possible. The same goes for my own opinions and emotions too. I like to tell someone EXACTLY what is on my mind, and often, it takes many words to do so. But is that really necessary? Probably not.
Different people process information in different ways. Regardless of the subject matter, the way a person internally processes information in many ways also determines the way they communicate, or externally verbalize their thoughts. One person may have thoughts that travel in a sort of line, one after the other, in a logical sequence, while another may have a jumble of thoughts in a "pile", that they process in a "hit or miss" sort of fashion, until a particular problem is worked out. In my case, my brain uses a sort of "compartmentalized" fashion, putting things in "boxes", which means that each subject has its own "region" of my thoughts. When I think about something, for instance, car repair, I can then access that "box" in my mind, which, after 10 years of working in that field, makes for a veritable database of information for me to retrieve. If I'm about to do an engine replacement on a particular car, I access the information I need to do that job, but the thoughts don't come "step by step", more often, I "see" the entire job, the engine literally coming apart, in my mind, all at one time. This method of storage and retrieval works well in that line of work, because once I had seen and performed a specific repair several times, I remembered it, as it happened, and then the next time I had to do it, I could "see" it happen before I placed the first wrench on it, or the next time I had to diagnose a problem, I could literally "see" what the solution should be.
The same method works well for just about any industry or subject that can be compartmentalized, or rather, when all the information can be accessed all at once. Computers? Easy. Easier than cars in fact. Fewer moving parts. Their construction is so simple it's comical. Even laptops, while the technology is smaller, are built very similarly, so to me, they are just as easy to work on. Washers? Dryers? Dishwashers? TV's? Game consoles? Child's play. You name it, if it's a mechanical or electronic device that can be disassembled and repaired and reassembled, I find it easy to learn and remember what steps are required to accomplish those tasks. I have also found in learning about mechanical and electronic equipment that many correlations can be made between one type of device and another, mainly in how they are constructed and in how they operate. To me, gears are gears, and circuit boards are circuit boards, no matter what device they may be in, they all basically work the same way. Having a vast database of knowledge on many different types of equipment means I can often take something I have never seen or worked on before, and can make a diagnosis as to what's wrong with it, and can determine how to disassemble and reassemble it without having any previous experience with that particular device.
As you can plainly see however, as the above 2 paragraphs demonstrated, this method of thinking also means that I attempt to communicate in the same "compartmentalized" manner. All of the thoughts come at one time, in one big "box", and therefore, I try to share all of that information at once. It's impossible to communicate many thoughts simultaneously however, so then, what comes out of my mouth, or what is typed into a computer, is a tediously long string of pieces of information, one after the other. However, many of those pieces could probably be left out without diminishing the main thought I am attempting to communicate.
That's what I'm talking about when it comes to how much I should share.
Most people don't want to hear so much information in such a short time, they just aren't THAT interested. Sure, sometimes, when it pertains to something they are passionate about, they ARE interested, and would probably listen or read for hours on the subject. But many other times, the opposite is true. People want the "Reader's Digest" version, give them the main facts, and a little explanation, and that's good enough. They then form their own opinion or thoughts on the matter, and they're done with it. Again, the subject matter is not important. Whatever it is, don't draw it out, and don't share too much, it's just plain boring, and in some cases, gets a little creepy.
So I wonder, DO I share too much? I believe the answer is an unequivocal YES!
Fortunately a "problem" like this is easy to fix. I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. Simple. I'll keep my mouth shut. Give them the basics, and let them run with it, let them make their own assumptions and opinions about it.
No, I'm not going to stop sharing all together. I'm just going to share LESS. You'll still hear my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings, but you won't hear everything. It's not necessary, and not important.
Now, I want YOU to share. Give me YOUR thoughts. How do you share, and how much? If you actually made it this far down in this post without your eyes glazing over, did you think I shared too much? What is YOUR opinion on what is "too much" sharing? I am interested in hearing some other points of view.
Thanks for your time, see you all again soon.
That's not to say I'm "alone" however, as I do spend a lot of time chatting with friends online. I have 3 very special people in my life that I chat with regularly. Each one of those people have a very different personality, and also very different methods of communication, when compared to one another. However, as this "weekend" of mine progressed, each one of them gave me, in their own unique way, something to think about. My emotions have gone from some of the highest highs to some of the lowest lows I have experienced in quite some time.
While I would rather not share the details of the conversations, I do want to say that I learned a lot. About myself, about people in general, and about life. It's funny sometimes, how just a few words written on a computer screen can make you feel so happy, or so sad. In this case, I saw how differently people interact with one another, and how they share their feelings. It got me to considering how I share mine.
Here on my blog, I share a lot, and in a chat, even more so, especially to those I feel are close to me. After this weekend however, I wonder if I share too much. How much of my life, or my feelings, is too much to share? Some people are fine with hearing everything, or a lot, and others would rather not hear much at all. Further, how much should I be comfortable sharing? These are questions I hadn't really considered before.
I have never been known for my brevity. No matter what it is I'm talking about, whether it be my knowledge of cars, or computers, or anything else, I like to try to convey as many details as possible. The same goes for my own opinions and emotions too. I like to tell someone EXACTLY what is on my mind, and often, it takes many words to do so. But is that really necessary? Probably not.
Different people process information in different ways. Regardless of the subject matter, the way a person internally processes information in many ways also determines the way they communicate, or externally verbalize their thoughts. One person may have thoughts that travel in a sort of line, one after the other, in a logical sequence, while another may have a jumble of thoughts in a "pile", that they process in a "hit or miss" sort of fashion, until a particular problem is worked out. In my case, my brain uses a sort of "compartmentalized" fashion, putting things in "boxes", which means that each subject has its own "region" of my thoughts. When I think about something, for instance, car repair, I can then access that "box" in my mind, which, after 10 years of working in that field, makes for a veritable database of information for me to retrieve. If I'm about to do an engine replacement on a particular car, I access the information I need to do that job, but the thoughts don't come "step by step", more often, I "see" the entire job, the engine literally coming apart, in my mind, all at one time. This method of storage and retrieval works well in that line of work, because once I had seen and performed a specific repair several times, I remembered it, as it happened, and then the next time I had to do it, I could "see" it happen before I placed the first wrench on it, or the next time I had to diagnose a problem, I could literally "see" what the solution should be.
The same method works well for just about any industry or subject that can be compartmentalized, or rather, when all the information can be accessed all at once. Computers? Easy. Easier than cars in fact. Fewer moving parts. Their construction is so simple it's comical. Even laptops, while the technology is smaller, are built very similarly, so to me, they are just as easy to work on. Washers? Dryers? Dishwashers? TV's? Game consoles? Child's play. You name it, if it's a mechanical or electronic device that can be disassembled and repaired and reassembled, I find it easy to learn and remember what steps are required to accomplish those tasks. I have also found in learning about mechanical and electronic equipment that many correlations can be made between one type of device and another, mainly in how they are constructed and in how they operate. To me, gears are gears, and circuit boards are circuit boards, no matter what device they may be in, they all basically work the same way. Having a vast database of knowledge on many different types of equipment means I can often take something I have never seen or worked on before, and can make a diagnosis as to what's wrong with it, and can determine how to disassemble and reassemble it without having any previous experience with that particular device.
As you can plainly see however, as the above 2 paragraphs demonstrated, this method of thinking also means that I attempt to communicate in the same "compartmentalized" manner. All of the thoughts come at one time, in one big "box", and therefore, I try to share all of that information at once. It's impossible to communicate many thoughts simultaneously however, so then, what comes out of my mouth, or what is typed into a computer, is a tediously long string of pieces of information, one after the other. However, many of those pieces could probably be left out without diminishing the main thought I am attempting to communicate.
That's what I'm talking about when it comes to how much I should share.
Most people don't want to hear so much information in such a short time, they just aren't THAT interested. Sure, sometimes, when it pertains to something they are passionate about, they ARE interested, and would probably listen or read for hours on the subject. But many other times, the opposite is true. People want the "Reader's Digest" version, give them the main facts, and a little explanation, and that's good enough. They then form their own opinion or thoughts on the matter, and they're done with it. Again, the subject matter is not important. Whatever it is, don't draw it out, and don't share too much, it's just plain boring, and in some cases, gets a little creepy.
So I wonder, DO I share too much? I believe the answer is an unequivocal YES!
Fortunately a "problem" like this is easy to fix. I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. Simple. I'll keep my mouth shut. Give them the basics, and let them run with it, let them make their own assumptions and opinions about it.
No, I'm not going to stop sharing all together. I'm just going to share LESS. You'll still hear my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings, but you won't hear everything. It's not necessary, and not important.
Now, I want YOU to share. Give me YOUR thoughts. How do you share, and how much? If you actually made it this far down in this post without your eyes glazing over, did you think I shared too much? What is YOUR opinion on what is "too much" sharing? I am interested in hearing some other points of view.
Thanks for your time, see you all again soon.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
The latest news from the path of Perth
It's been a while since I posted, but I didn't really have anything to say. That's not to say that life has not been interesting lately, however.
I decided to submit an article to Examiner.com, because I saw that their premise is having local writers who write about what they know and what they love, so I submitted an article about working on cars, and I was accepted! They have a process you go through after they accept you though, where you submit a "real" article, and they review it before posting it, and that's what I've done, so we'll see where things go from there. But it's great to know that I'll be writing in another medium, and getting exposure.
I think a lot of people's goal in being a writer is to get published, but for me, that's not enough. I want to be a "presence", someone that people look forward to reading every day, or every week, or, if it's in the case of writing books, that they can't wait to read my next offering. I'm talking on a national or even global level. High aspirations to be sure, but there it is.
There is also something else in the process of being finalized, something else having to do with writing, but that announcement I will save until it is a reality. Trust me when I say it's pretty awesome though.
If there's one thing I can say about the last few weeks, it's that they have been......different. Different at work with people calling out or being on vacation, different in the way things have been going, different in so many ways that it's hard to explain. As always, I have been keeping my eyes and ears open, learning about life and about myself, and recently I learned something pretty important.
I am worth something. Not because of what I say, or what I do, but because I am me. Those that choose to be my friend do so because of who I am, not for what I do for them, or for any other ulterior motive. They do it because they like me for me. I am worthy of their attention, I am worthy of their love. Me, myself, and I, just as I am. Somehow during my journey down this path, I missed that lesson. I told myself I was fine with who I was, all the while trying to show others what I could be for them, instead of just being me. I didn't think that "me" was good enough for them to want to be my friend, and I lied to myself and said I was fine with being who I am. Well, no, no I didn't, I just told myself that I had to be more than just "me" to be worth something. Yeah, that was it.
Anyway, it's an important lesson. Knowing you are ok just being you is a fundamental building block of self esteem. Actually understanding you are worthy is a big step too. And sometimes it just takes a little longer to learn that.
So, that's all for now, more news to come. Have a great day everyone!
I decided to submit an article to Examiner.com, because I saw that their premise is having local writers who write about what they know and what they love, so I submitted an article about working on cars, and I was accepted! They have a process you go through after they accept you though, where you submit a "real" article, and they review it before posting it, and that's what I've done, so we'll see where things go from there. But it's great to know that I'll be writing in another medium, and getting exposure.
I think a lot of people's goal in being a writer is to get published, but for me, that's not enough. I want to be a "presence", someone that people look forward to reading every day, or every week, or, if it's in the case of writing books, that they can't wait to read my next offering. I'm talking on a national or even global level. High aspirations to be sure, but there it is.
There is also something else in the process of being finalized, something else having to do with writing, but that announcement I will save until it is a reality. Trust me when I say it's pretty awesome though.
If there's one thing I can say about the last few weeks, it's that they have been......different. Different at work with people calling out or being on vacation, different in the way things have been going, different in so many ways that it's hard to explain. As always, I have been keeping my eyes and ears open, learning about life and about myself, and recently I learned something pretty important.
I am worth something. Not because of what I say, or what I do, but because I am me. Those that choose to be my friend do so because of who I am, not for what I do for them, or for any other ulterior motive. They do it because they like me for me. I am worthy of their attention, I am worthy of their love. Me, myself, and I, just as I am. Somehow during my journey down this path, I missed that lesson. I told myself I was fine with who I was, all the while trying to show others what I could be for them, instead of just being me. I didn't think that "me" was good enough for them to want to be my friend, and I lied to myself and said I was fine with being who I am. Well, no, no I didn't, I just told myself that I had to be more than just "me" to be worth something. Yeah, that was it.
Anyway, it's an important lesson. Knowing you are ok just being you is a fundamental building block of self esteem. Actually understanding you are worthy is a big step too. And sometimes it just takes a little longer to learn that.
So, that's all for now, more news to come. Have a great day everyone!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Today's the day.....
Today is Saturday. This much I know. But there are many other things about today that I don't know.
Life has a way of teaching you that there is much you don't know. But life also teaches you new things every day, so every day you get a little wiser, right?
Every new day brings something new. Sometimes it's new challenges to overcome, sometimes it's new friends, sometimes it's new ideas, and still other times it's new revelations about yourself.
I'm sure today will be no different.
Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow has not yet come, it's just today that should be in focus. Today could be the day I meet someone who will change my life forever. Today could be the day I wake up from my sleep and decide to write something about how I really think about things. Today could be the day I learn the key to making my dreams a reality.
Today's the day. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, today.
Today has been called "the first day of the rest of your life". I'd like to think of it as just "today". Today is the only day I can do anything about, the rest of my life will have to wait until I get there. What I do today will take to me to it, no matter what I do. Yes of course, the choices I make today will affect what happens tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and so on and so forth, but today, this day, this is the only one I have the ability to make a change in, right NOW.
So, what am I going to do today? First, I will sleep, as I do every day. I need sleep to be ready to go back to work tonight. When I wake up this afternoon, I will decide what to do next. Most likely I will write, I will write the story in my head, the story of my life. I will check to see if anyone has emailed, texted, or messaged me, and then I will get to writing.
I've got lots of things to say, because there are a lot of things I am curious about, a lot of things I want to know. You, my online friends, mean a lot to me. As we interact, chat, and read each other's blogs, we learn about life, and about each other. I don't just see you as words on my computer screen, but as living, breathing human beings, who, while you have your own lives to live, take the time to sit down and read my blog. Some of you are my friends on Facebook, or on Twitter, and each time we interact, I feel as though you are in the same room with me, talking to me like friends do when they're together. You are an important part of my life, each and every one of you.
However, today is the day that I clean out my list of "friends" on Facebook. Those that I don't interact with, and those I do not know personally through any other means will be cut from the list. I know you are all real people, and I'm sure there was a reason you requested to be my friend in the first place, but if we do not interact, and I don't know who you really are, then can we in fact say we're "friends" at all?
So today's the day for that, but right now, it's time for bed.
See you all this afternoon!
Life has a way of teaching you that there is much you don't know. But life also teaches you new things every day, so every day you get a little wiser, right?
Every new day brings something new. Sometimes it's new challenges to overcome, sometimes it's new friends, sometimes it's new ideas, and still other times it's new revelations about yourself.
I'm sure today will be no different.
Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow has not yet come, it's just today that should be in focus. Today could be the day I meet someone who will change my life forever. Today could be the day I wake up from my sleep and decide to write something about how I really think about things. Today could be the day I learn the key to making my dreams a reality.
Today's the day. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, today.
Today has been called "the first day of the rest of your life". I'd like to think of it as just "today". Today is the only day I can do anything about, the rest of my life will have to wait until I get there. What I do today will take to me to it, no matter what I do. Yes of course, the choices I make today will affect what happens tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and so on and so forth, but today, this day, this is the only one I have the ability to make a change in, right NOW.
So, what am I going to do today? First, I will sleep, as I do every day. I need sleep to be ready to go back to work tonight. When I wake up this afternoon, I will decide what to do next. Most likely I will write, I will write the story in my head, the story of my life. I will check to see if anyone has emailed, texted, or messaged me, and then I will get to writing.
I've got lots of things to say, because there are a lot of things I am curious about, a lot of things I want to know. You, my online friends, mean a lot to me. As we interact, chat, and read each other's blogs, we learn about life, and about each other. I don't just see you as words on my computer screen, but as living, breathing human beings, who, while you have your own lives to live, take the time to sit down and read my blog. Some of you are my friends on Facebook, or on Twitter, and each time we interact, I feel as though you are in the same room with me, talking to me like friends do when they're together. You are an important part of my life, each and every one of you.
However, today is the day that I clean out my list of "friends" on Facebook. Those that I don't interact with, and those I do not know personally through any other means will be cut from the list. I know you are all real people, and I'm sure there was a reason you requested to be my friend in the first place, but if we do not interact, and I don't know who you really are, then can we in fact say we're "friends" at all?
So today's the day for that, but right now, it's time for bed.
See you all this afternoon!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
What if?
Life is a journey, that much is certain.
What is not clear is how that journey will be perceived by the one taking it.
Is it to be seen as a series of events, randomly occurring, or as a carefully laid out plan with definite goals and objectives?
What if this life is only one phase of a larger, grander scheme, a much more complex and wondrous journey spanning many lifetimes?
What if the people we meet, and those we call friends, are not just here with us in this lifetime, but have been with us in many others? What if, while they may take a different path, still choose to be a part of this life with us? Even if it's just by being a "friend" on the social networking sites that are available to all of us in this age of technology? Former loves, friends, mothers, fathers, children, all of them might be here again to be with us.
What if the universe, the cosmos if you will, is not what we perceive it to be? What if it's really a lot smaller than we think? What if those stars we see are not so far away at all? What if just seeing them brings them "to" us?
What if the reality of our existence is so much more than we can perceive? What if we are really much more than we can possibly imagine? What should we do with that knowledge?
What if, that is the question, and the answer, in my humble opinion, is that the possibilities are endless, anything is possible, if we just open our minds.
What is not clear is how that journey will be perceived by the one taking it.
Is it to be seen as a series of events, randomly occurring, or as a carefully laid out plan with definite goals and objectives?
What if this life is only one phase of a larger, grander scheme, a much more complex and wondrous journey spanning many lifetimes?
What if the people we meet, and those we call friends, are not just here with us in this lifetime, but have been with us in many others? What if, while they may take a different path, still choose to be a part of this life with us? Even if it's just by being a "friend" on the social networking sites that are available to all of us in this age of technology? Former loves, friends, mothers, fathers, children, all of them might be here again to be with us.
What if the universe, the cosmos if you will, is not what we perceive it to be? What if it's really a lot smaller than we think? What if those stars we see are not so far away at all? What if just seeing them brings them "to" us?
What if the reality of our existence is so much more than we can perceive? What if we are really much more than we can possibly imagine? What should we do with that knowledge?
What if, that is the question, and the answer, in my humble opinion, is that the possibilities are endless, anything is possible, if we just open our minds.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Just checking in....
Just thought I'd check in with ya'll on this fine holiday weekend (here in the States anyway lol).
If you've been following for a while, you're already aware that yesterday was my 40th birthday. I got a nice "surprise", in the form of my sister and nephew coming to visit me, for a whole week! We've had a great time, and I can't wait to spend more time with her on MY weekend, Monday and Tuesday lol. She's out visiting with my kids today, but will be back around here tomorrow, so hopefully we'll find something cool to do on the 4th, and I hope it involves some form of fireworks lol.
This is one time where I'm not happy about having a third shift job, because of when I have to sleep, it pretty well kills 2/3rds of the day, but I am grateful to have the time that I have to spend with her and my nephew. She set up her laptop in her hotel room yesterday, and I was able to Skype with my family that lives in Arizona, namely my parents and my 2 younger brothers. It was a sort of mini family reunion, we haven't all been "together" like that in years and years. It was pretty awesome!
In other news, I'm developing ideas in my mind these days, ideas about getting a creative hobby. I'm not sure what will turn up, but it's either going to be a written creation, or perhaps some sort of craft. I have yet to find it however, but when I do, I'll let you guys know first thing. :)
Here's hoping everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July, talk to you soon!
If you've been following for a while, you're already aware that yesterday was my 40th birthday. I got a nice "surprise", in the form of my sister and nephew coming to visit me, for a whole week! We've had a great time, and I can't wait to spend more time with her on MY weekend, Monday and Tuesday lol. She's out visiting with my kids today, but will be back around here tomorrow, so hopefully we'll find something cool to do on the 4th, and I hope it involves some form of fireworks lol.
This is one time where I'm not happy about having a third shift job, because of when I have to sleep, it pretty well kills 2/3rds of the day, but I am grateful to have the time that I have to spend with her and my nephew. She set up her laptop in her hotel room yesterday, and I was able to Skype with my family that lives in Arizona, namely my parents and my 2 younger brothers. It was a sort of mini family reunion, we haven't all been "together" like that in years and years. It was pretty awesome!
In other news, I'm developing ideas in my mind these days, ideas about getting a creative hobby. I'm not sure what will turn up, but it's either going to be a written creation, or perhaps some sort of craft. I have yet to find it however, but when I do, I'll let you guys know first thing. :)
Here's hoping everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July, talk to you soon!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Independence Day
I've been thinking again. It happens, on these nights when I'm up all alone, when everyone else is asleep. Thinking about where life is going, about how I'm changing, and how the world around me seems more different every day. I know it's just in how I'm seeing it, it's still the same old planet, rotating on its axis every 24 hours, just like it's been doing for over 4 billion years.
Something about ME is different. In the last 2 years I have been taken places I'd never thought I'd go, through the depths of my psyche, to the core of my soul. What I have learned is that I'm not just a man, I'm something more, much more, the whole of creation is part of me. I am part of a much greater whole.
But so is everyone else. Each of us here on this planet is on a journey, a journey of evolution, of change. We are working towards gaining experience, learning about what we are and where we are going, and ultimately transforming ourselves into the eternal energy from which we were sprung eons ago. Or was it just yesterday?
Time is a funny thing for energy, it can see beyond the linear, one moment does not just follow the next, in fact, all things happen all at once. In this great expanse of what we call the universe, literally anything is possible, everything is joined together, linked, everything that exists is part of everything else. One big energy machine, that's what it is, and in human form we have a unique ability to transform the energy of the universe in so many ways, just by thinking about it. Right now, as you read this, energy is being transformed in your mind, the words are forming thoughts, and those thoughts turn into ideas, and later on, those ideas will turn into actions. It's how everything is ever started. A thought is formed, from the energy stored in our brains, and from there, it grows and is changed over and over again, till finally it must be moved out of the brain, perhaps on to a piece of paper, or typed into a computer. It's then changed again, as what's on paper or in a computer file is created from the elements we find around us, whether it be paint, or wood, or steel, we create what it is we first thought of, we bring in into existence. That tiny spark of energy becomes something solid we can touch, and see, and even feel. Every piece of art, every thing that has ever been invented and built by human hands is really just a form of energy.
Our interactions with each other are no less energy. The things we say, the things we do, all start as the same energy in our brains. We find someone that we feel a connection to, the energy flows between us, we really "feel" that bond, and we call it love. Love is the greatest form of energy, for it gives us the ability to create our children, the greatest form of energy transformation of them all. The energy of two becomes one, and a child is created. We then care for that energy, nurture it, until it becomes an energy all its own, and the cycle repeats itself. Energy begets energy, though not multiplied, only transformed into something different.
As I approach the 40th year of this lifetime, I see a life that has been an exercise in dependency. I have always drawn energy from others, whether it be my parents, who raised me, to the military, who nurtured me into adulthood, and then later, from my wife, who took care of everything while I was going through some of the darkest times of my life. I have had friends who were there to stand by me and hold my hand, who always made me feel like I had someone to turn to, someone to give me the answers I sought, and never asked for anything in return.
The energy I created on my own, from my own thoughts, was usually transformed into wild emotions, and then of course to reckless action, oftentimes with disastrous consequences. But there was always someone there to pick up the pieces, and change that energy back into something useful, and life would go on. Dependency, that's really been the story of my life.
Now that I am older and wiser, and for the first time in this life I am living on my own, I have had time to think, and to create new ideas, ones that do not involve emotional foolishness. What surprises me though, is the swiftness of the changes as they've come. Sometimes literally in a moment. In my last post, I described a change in my thinking, and something I had learned. This is a continuation of that thought process, the energy is less chaotic now, it is beginning to show order.
When I described my image, as one who needed his hand held, what I was really talking about was dependency. And not just for emotional support. Everything in my life has been about the energy of someone else, with me drawing from them, and changing my actions to better align myself with their energy, all the while not creating any of my own. So dependent was I on this interaction, this exchange of energy, that I even altered my physical appearance to be more pleasing to that person. And it's ironic that most of the time, that person was female.
Maybe what the divine feminine card was showing me was that I don't need a female to draw energy from, I need to find that energy in myself, and use it to create the life I was meant to have. That giving aspect, the nurturing, mothering aspect of the divine feminine, instead of taking it from women, I should be using it to create a better life for those around me. The "need" for the attention of a woman has been a constant companion of mine, since I was a child, but only now do I see it for what it really is, a dependency for a transfer of energy that I should be finding in myself.
I have explained some of the thought, but not how those thoughts became actions. The thought changed in just a moment, in a conversation. Then other conversations made the thought grow, to evolve. More energy was transferred, but this time, it was different. It was not the same energy, it was changed, the emotions were different, and the need for that energy was diminished. A large part of the dependent link was severed, and my whole world changed. When every thought becomes your own, then the energy of your emotions is your own as well, and henceforth your actions too. My actions are now outwardly focused, I'm looking for how I can give energy to others, how I can make their lives better, without burdening them with MY issues, especially those I can take care of myself.
The damage dependency causes is not visible, but it is damage nonetheless. It is a drain on a person's mental resources, and in prolonged exposures, can even cause physical manifestations of the stress. Some of those I was dependent on were aware of it, but chose to endure it in order to protect me. They knew I was not ready to be let go, to be "weaned" so to speak, and for that I am grateful. So many have been hurt, I have caused a lot of damage in my day, and as I said, some were aware, but a great many others were not. To all of them now I would like to say I am sorry, it breaks my heart to know I have hurt you, I never meant to cause any of you any pain. However, I did, but now it is over, and will never happen again. I want to heal the damage, clean the wounds, and make amends, but for many who are no longer in my life, it is too late, and they will carry the scars till this life is over. And so will I.....
This life has been an incredible learning experience, and I only hope as I begin a new decade of my existence that I am able to make something wonderful from all the energy I've received as a dependent, and to repay those who gave it to me. A new chapter has begun, the book is continuing to be written. The journey is not over, there is still much to be done. It's ironic that in a week we will be celebrating Independence Day, and that since my birthday falls 2 days before, it has been a very important holiday in my life for as long as I can remember. This year it will mean something else to me however, I will remember it always as the year I myself became independent, at the ripe YOUNG age of 40.
Something about ME is different. In the last 2 years I have been taken places I'd never thought I'd go, through the depths of my psyche, to the core of my soul. What I have learned is that I'm not just a man, I'm something more, much more, the whole of creation is part of me. I am part of a much greater whole.
But so is everyone else. Each of us here on this planet is on a journey, a journey of evolution, of change. We are working towards gaining experience, learning about what we are and where we are going, and ultimately transforming ourselves into the eternal energy from which we were sprung eons ago. Or was it just yesterday?
Time is a funny thing for energy, it can see beyond the linear, one moment does not just follow the next, in fact, all things happen all at once. In this great expanse of what we call the universe, literally anything is possible, everything is joined together, linked, everything that exists is part of everything else. One big energy machine, that's what it is, and in human form we have a unique ability to transform the energy of the universe in so many ways, just by thinking about it. Right now, as you read this, energy is being transformed in your mind, the words are forming thoughts, and those thoughts turn into ideas, and later on, those ideas will turn into actions. It's how everything is ever started. A thought is formed, from the energy stored in our brains, and from there, it grows and is changed over and over again, till finally it must be moved out of the brain, perhaps on to a piece of paper, or typed into a computer. It's then changed again, as what's on paper or in a computer file is created from the elements we find around us, whether it be paint, or wood, or steel, we create what it is we first thought of, we bring in into existence. That tiny spark of energy becomes something solid we can touch, and see, and even feel. Every piece of art, every thing that has ever been invented and built by human hands is really just a form of energy.
Our interactions with each other are no less energy. The things we say, the things we do, all start as the same energy in our brains. We find someone that we feel a connection to, the energy flows between us, we really "feel" that bond, and we call it love. Love is the greatest form of energy, for it gives us the ability to create our children, the greatest form of energy transformation of them all. The energy of two becomes one, and a child is created. We then care for that energy, nurture it, until it becomes an energy all its own, and the cycle repeats itself. Energy begets energy, though not multiplied, only transformed into something different.
As I approach the 40th year of this lifetime, I see a life that has been an exercise in dependency. I have always drawn energy from others, whether it be my parents, who raised me, to the military, who nurtured me into adulthood, and then later, from my wife, who took care of everything while I was going through some of the darkest times of my life. I have had friends who were there to stand by me and hold my hand, who always made me feel like I had someone to turn to, someone to give me the answers I sought, and never asked for anything in return.
The energy I created on my own, from my own thoughts, was usually transformed into wild emotions, and then of course to reckless action, oftentimes with disastrous consequences. But there was always someone there to pick up the pieces, and change that energy back into something useful, and life would go on. Dependency, that's really been the story of my life.
Now that I am older and wiser, and for the first time in this life I am living on my own, I have had time to think, and to create new ideas, ones that do not involve emotional foolishness. What surprises me though, is the swiftness of the changes as they've come. Sometimes literally in a moment. In my last post, I described a change in my thinking, and something I had learned. This is a continuation of that thought process, the energy is less chaotic now, it is beginning to show order.
When I described my image, as one who needed his hand held, what I was really talking about was dependency. And not just for emotional support. Everything in my life has been about the energy of someone else, with me drawing from them, and changing my actions to better align myself with their energy, all the while not creating any of my own. So dependent was I on this interaction, this exchange of energy, that I even altered my physical appearance to be more pleasing to that person. And it's ironic that most of the time, that person was female.
Maybe what the divine feminine card was showing me was that I don't need a female to draw energy from, I need to find that energy in myself, and use it to create the life I was meant to have. That giving aspect, the nurturing, mothering aspect of the divine feminine, instead of taking it from women, I should be using it to create a better life for those around me. The "need" for the attention of a woman has been a constant companion of mine, since I was a child, but only now do I see it for what it really is, a dependency for a transfer of energy that I should be finding in myself.
I have explained some of the thought, but not how those thoughts became actions. The thought changed in just a moment, in a conversation. Then other conversations made the thought grow, to evolve. More energy was transferred, but this time, it was different. It was not the same energy, it was changed, the emotions were different, and the need for that energy was diminished. A large part of the dependent link was severed, and my whole world changed. When every thought becomes your own, then the energy of your emotions is your own as well, and henceforth your actions too. My actions are now outwardly focused, I'm looking for how I can give energy to others, how I can make their lives better, without burdening them with MY issues, especially those I can take care of myself.
The damage dependency causes is not visible, but it is damage nonetheless. It is a drain on a person's mental resources, and in prolonged exposures, can even cause physical manifestations of the stress. Some of those I was dependent on were aware of it, but chose to endure it in order to protect me. They knew I was not ready to be let go, to be "weaned" so to speak, and for that I am grateful. So many have been hurt, I have caused a lot of damage in my day, and as I said, some were aware, but a great many others were not. To all of them now I would like to say I am sorry, it breaks my heart to know I have hurt you, I never meant to cause any of you any pain. However, I did, but now it is over, and will never happen again. I want to heal the damage, clean the wounds, and make amends, but for many who are no longer in my life, it is too late, and they will carry the scars till this life is over. And so will I.....
This life has been an incredible learning experience, and I only hope as I begin a new decade of my existence that I am able to make something wonderful from all the energy I've received as a dependent, and to repay those who gave it to me. A new chapter has begun, the book is continuing to be written. The journey is not over, there is still much to be done. It's ironic that in a week we will be celebrating Independence Day, and that since my birthday falls 2 days before, it has been a very important holiday in my life for as long as I can remember. This year it will mean something else to me however, I will remember it always as the year I myself became independent, at the ripe YOUNG age of 40.
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