I've been doing a lot of thinking since my last post, and I've come to the conclusion that it's time to move forward, time to do something.
I want to get rolling on getting a divorce, I want to get out of where I'm living, I want to live my life as I see fit. This thing I'm doing right now is not living, it's sitting, settling, waiting, but waiting for what? Nothing is going to happen if i just sit here, going to work every night, and then sitting on the computer all day when I get home. It's been almost 8 months since I left her, what am I doing waiting for something to happen?
I have no answer to that question.
It's time I faced facts, and realized that I've only been sitting here because I'm afraid to go out and make a life of my own. I've never been on my own before, so yeah, it's understandable that I'd be nervous, unsure, but avoiding the problem has not made it go away, there it still sits, just waiting for me to do something about it. I wait, it waits, and nothing is accomplished.
The thing is, something has been nagging at me. There has been this sort of "vision" I've had in my mind for a very long time now, and by very long time I mean YEARS, and it's a sense that there are great things in store for me, lots of happiness and success, and what I perceive as a gratification I've never felt in all of my life, of using my talents and gifts in the way they were intended. I feel the need to give of myself to others, help them, teach them. It's kinda like the feeling of "this is what I was born to do". I really can't explain it other than to say it like that, because the feeling is one of such immense joy at seeing other people successful and happy, doing whatever it is I am helping them to do. I honestly don't know what it all means, but now is the time to start finding out.
To that end, I am going to enlist the help of a lawyer, and discuss with him or her my options for a divorce. I have already spoken to one, several weeks ago, but I got the distinct impression that he did not have my best interests at heart, and I feel that my attorney should be thinking of my interests, and not just spout out the law and tell me how things are going to happen. Of course there is going to be a major expense involved, but I have a feeling that once I get the ball rolling that the universe will provide me the means to accomplish what I set out to do, because when I align my vibes and energy with the task of living my life the way it is intended to be, things will fall into place, I truly believe that.
One thing that I have found out about myself is that I will find every excuse to focus on everything BUT what is important in my life, or rather, what is important to continue LIVING my life. Most of the time I'm just existing. The only reason I could come up with for making these excuses is that I'm too afraid of the unknown to get off my ass and get started. Take right now for instance, here I am talking about it, talk, talk, talk, that's all I do, "oh, I sooo bad want to get a divorce, oh, I want to start my own computer repair business, oh, I want to teach people how easy it is to fix a car", and so on and so on. I give myself every excuse in the book as to why I haven't done any of these things yet, but the only REAL excuse for no progress being made is ME, I haven't done a thing to make anything happen, so of course nothing HAS happened.
Anyway I have made a deal with myself. I have told myself that I have until the end of the year to have some progress made on my goals, and, that I will each day, if the opportunity is available, do something that will help to accomplish them. Sitting here talking about them is not making them happen.
I have given serious consideration to getting a second job, as the one I have now is not bringing in an adequate amount of money. So one of the first things I am doing when I finish this post is to look online for job opportunities. One thing that having a second job and more income will help to accomplish is for me to get a house or apartment of my own to rent, as well as provide me with the added income I need to buy a newer vehicle than the "beater" I'm driving now.
After/during my job search, I am going to be perusing the local phone book and making phone calls to various lawyers to arrange for a consultation. Then, once the consultations have been made, and attended, I will choose the attorney I feel is right for me and begin the procedures to obtain a divorce as per his or her advice.
If it seems there are obstacles blocking me from doing something, I will not give up, and sit again on my laurels, I will find another way to do what I feel I need to do.
This I promise myself, this I command of myself. I will remain steadfast, and have courage.
I will get on with my life.