Saturday, October 2, 2010

Happenings, and discussions....I felt like writing

Hi everyone, how's your day going?

I had a great time with the kids last night. The fall festival is always a fun night with the girls, they enjoy playing the games, and every year I make it a point to make sure we attend. T (my youngest) really wanted to win me a cake on the cake walk, which I thought was adorable, but unfortunately she was not successful. Interesting thing, this cake walk, it's kinda like musical chairs, only with cards with numbers printed on them placed on the floor. And ironically, it was done in the music room of the school, presumably because there is room enough to move a group of people in a circle easily, and also to set up tables for the cakes. The music starts, and the players walk around in a circle on the numbers, and when the music stops, everyone has to be on a number, and then they choose one of the numbers from a hat, or in this case a plastic bag, and whoever is standing on that number wins a cake. It cost a dollar to play, so if you win, you can get a pretty good cake for what you paid. They ran two "rounds" for each group, so the odds of winning aren't all that bad. And the cakes, well, they were all kinds, from cupcakes bought at the local grocery store, to homemade strawberry angel food cake, and frosted layer cakes. They always plan ahead a few weeks in advance and ask the parents to bring in cakes, so there's a lot to go around. And while my daughter didn't win one, both my niece and nephew DID, so they got to take home something at least.

The rest of the games were as usual in each of the classrooms, just about every single one of them, well, with the exception of 3 prize rooms, a face painting room, a silent auction room, and several other activities I didn't even get so far as to see what they were. But they had everything from the "duck pond" to the "putt putt", all sorts of quick and easy games, where even the smallest child can win themselves some prize tickets to use in the prize rooms. Oh and they even had inflatables outside, always a favorite activity for the elementary age kids. Then, in the cafeteria, they had hot dogs, nachos, pizza, cookies, and popcorn. All in all it was really fun.

Of course being there meant I had to deal with my wife, and I think she's up to a new game, this one meant to show me that she's changed. She was very accommodating the entire time I was there, asking me what I wanted to do, never trying to boss me, and she bought my dinner in the cafeteria. I can't figure her out sometimes, she goes from being nice, acting as though she wants to have things go my way (or at the very least acting with some semblance of normalcy), to being vindictive and hateful, throwing threats and accusations at me with reckless abandon. I mean the whole time we've been married she's acted the same, things always have to be done HER way, and I mean everything. She's even tried to tell me how I'm supposed to THINK, like I don't have a mind of my own and therefore entitled to have my own thoughts about things. If I do voice my opinion, and it doesn't coincide with hers, she just can't accept it. So honestly I don't know what she's up to. She keeps saying she wants to "work it out". I don't WANT to work it out with her, I've told her this, but, since nothing I say means anything to her, she ignores it, and continues to act as though nothing is wrong. Someday she's going to have to accept the idea that I'm not going to be with her. Maybe I should tell her that she doesn't have to agree with me to accept what I have to say, because that's her main problem, she just won't accept the things I say to her as valid thoughts. She's in freaking denial, and I'm not sure there is anything I can do to convince her that it's over, without her going ballistic on me. Because that's the opposite side of her coin. Once she gets it in her head for a few minutes, as she's done several times in the 7 months since I left, that it's actually over, then she goes nuts threatening me in a vain attempt to scare me into doing what she wants. She can't just accept the inevitable, and in the brief moments she does, she goes completely apeshit trying to scare me back into her life. I mean really, who thinks doing something like that is not going to end badly? What's the old saying? You get more bees with honey than with vinegar. If she really had changed, and she wanted to "work it out" as she says, then she would not go back and forth like she does, it's just another way she's decided that she's going to control what I do, and it's not happening, sorry for her. Once a control freak, always a control freak. You can't change your core personality, not really,  and in her case, she's a control freak to the core.

Anyway, enough of my rambling about my hopefully soon to be ex. Today has been a good day, I've been alone for most of it, which for me is not strange, or a bad thing, even though all my life I've lived with a house full of people. Then again that might be why I'm ok with being "alone". It's funny how you read stuff about the psychology of human interaction, and you hear about how isolation is either good or bad, or being amongst a lot of people is the same thing, good or bad, so what are you supposed to think? I'm fine not being around people, I'm fine being around people. I guess it's the psychology of the individual that I ought to be referring to here. If I'm ok with being alone, and with being around people, does that make me ok with myself? Maybe so. I don't "need" to be around other people, although I bet if I was isolated on a desert island for a long period of time I sure would "need" to be around people. But as it is, I do live with roommates that are home most of the time, so I am around people. My life is just what it is, things happen, things change, the only constant to existence. Sometimes I get to thinking about what it's all about, this "human condition" as I like to call it. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. And maybe it's about having the experience, just being a human in this physical world that makes being a spirit worthwhile. Existing outside of time and space constrictions must be a really different way to live, I mean how can you really "experience" anything if everything more or less happens for you at the same "time"? And how can you really "be" anywhere if there is no "where" to be?

When I talked to my spirit guide Ananda, she told me that she is everywhere, and nowhere. That told me that she lives an existence that is outside of the "normal" ideas about location. She's a spirit, one that isn't a part of the physical world, and from what I've read about it, being a spirit means you live an existence on a higher frequency than does anything physical, they are "here", but out of phase with us. They exist in a different "dimension" if you will, where physical objects and such are insubstantial due to their lower frequency, or vibration. Everything physical vibrates at the same frequency, this has been proven by science, so everything that is at a higher or even maybe lower frequency is not "here", where we can see it, it's an interesting thing to try to wrap your mind around. That means there could be an infinite number of lifeforms, each existing in the same "place", but due to the differences in frequencies, are completely insubstantial and therefore unaware of each other. Assuming this is fact, then there are many different types of lifeforms living right where you are right now, in your living room, in your bedroom, and you'll never know it, because they are out of phase with our reality. But then again, that explains ghosts, as from what I've heard they are a lot of times people who are somehow "in between" planes of existence, and are therefore somewhat visible. It fascinates me to think of the possibilities this thought process brings to mind. I'm of the idea that we as spirit beings decided to live a human existence to allow ourselves the experience of it, to learn, to grow, and to give ourselves something to strive for, something to gain. I obviously don't have the answers to the meaning of life, being a human myself at the moment, but I don't know, this just makes sense to me. What do you do living as a spirit? I wish I knew.

All the discussions I've had with my friends, all the research I've done, everything I've heard about or seen my entire life has led me to believe that there is so much more to the universe than what is "here" and "now". I myself have had numerous lifetimes, more than 13, according to Ananda, which makes me think it's 14. I mean what do you think when someone tells you an odd number like that? Most of the time, when someone says they have more than, say, 27 of something, then you can bet they have 28. Car dealers use that tactic all the time, when referring to their inventory. Ananda claimed it wasn't 14, but she wouldn't give me an exact number. Anyway, it's not really important to know how many, but to know that this is not my first and only trip around the block brings me comfort for some reason, I guess because I know that at the end of this lifetime, there will most likely be another later on. Well, later on from our perception of the timeframe.

What has strengthened the argument for me that we are living a human experience is with my observations of my own and others' interactions with those we call spirit guides. Many many times I've noticed that the information they have, or what they are willing to divulge, is very very general and vague in interpretation. This leads me to believe that we as humans cannot know, we are not allowed so to speak, about the specifics of our purpose in being here doing what we are doing in this lifetime. It's my opinion that if we did, it would ruin the experience, and it would then have to be aborted, and from what I can tell, those on the "other side" do everything in their power to avoid that possibility. I know this because I got caught asking "cheat" questions, most of which for some reason I can't recall at the moment, but suffice it to say I was getting pretty specific in my questions about the life of a spirit and how it relates to us being human, the question about the lifetimes for instance, how many I had had. To make a long story short, you just don't ask specifics about your life, or things on the other side, how it is for them, stuff like that, because we have no frame of reference, and it seems like it's just the wrong thing to do, because it isn't meant for us to know about it. Not until we get back to being a spirit ourselves that is. And I'm happy knowing this, because I know that there IS in fact someone looking after me, making sure things go as they should, guiding me, helping me to get all I can out of the experience that is this lifetime I'm living.

In my last post I talked about my discussions with my coworker about religion, and I wish I could have him read this post so he could see what I see as the truth, but I also know that he may not be meant to know, or even if he does know, he is not meant to be able to believe it. He's not in the same pantheon as me, his life is dictated by another spirit, one with a completely different agenda, and I'm ok with that. That's why I am ok with all organized religions, and all of the unorganized ones as well, to me, they are all just different forms of basically the same thing, we all are here under the tutelage of a "god", or "goddess", or even the universe itself, as the ultimate in creator and manager of all things. Everyone doesn't have to "answer" to the same deity, and in some like myself, our "gods" are not to be worshipped, but to be confided in, respected, and given the credit for the status they have achieved in being spiritually enlightened. They help us as we go through these lives, guide us as we learn the lessons we need to learn, so that when this lifetime is over we can say we accomplished what we set out to do while we were here. Because that's part of it too. We don't just come here willy nilly. We plan these lives before we get here, give ourselves challenges to overcome, because without challenges, then we learn very little. We work with our guides, those that have come before us, and decide on what we want to learn and how we will learn it. I don't know about you, but knowing that my life has a plan sure makes me feel a whole lot better about living it. A plan that I had a part in making, so when things seem bad, and life doesn't seem worth living, I can say that I was the one that planned it that way, and that maybe I should see what I need to learn from the experience. Makes life completely different knowing that. Nothing is too hard, nothing happens by chance, nothing is a coincidence. For me, knowing that, well, it's just changed the way I live. I interact with others in a different way, as even the people in your life, those who stay for only a short time, and those who are with you for your whole life, are also planned ahead of time. In some cases you even work together to plan joining up at a specific time. And don't even get me started on the roles certain others play in your life, as each lifetime those roles may be vastly different. But that person is still the same person that stays with you lifetime after lifetime.They may be your mother one life, your lover the next, and then your friend the one after that. Who knows, one of you out there may have asked me to write this down, on this specific day, so that you could be "awakened" to the reality of who you are. Others never choose to learn of the reality of their purpose here, as the life they chose precludes any knowledge of the life they have while not in a human body. So I guess they are some of the ones that aren't reading this. (LOL) The possibilities are literally endless.

What I'm getting at here is that in looking at my life, and the things that are happening, I have the confidence of knowing that there is a plan. I chose these challenges to facilitate learning the lessons of control. Control of emotions, control of logic, among other things. From the moment I was born, even down to the family I was born into, all of it, everything that has ever taken place, has been a carefully orchestrated series of events that has been teaching me how to control my emotional state, teaching me to think not just with my head, or my heart, but with both. Balance, that's the key lesson for this lifetime. To learn that emotions should not dictate my life, control me so to speak, but that logic has it's place as well. That is the main reason I left my wife, it was a situation in which my emotions overrode any sense of logic I had, I got with her because she gave me attention, not because we were actually compatible. I became someone I was not, compromised myself, in order to make the relationship work, and in the end I was miserable. I have the right to happiness too, something else I've learned, and in being in the relationship with her in the way I was in it did not make me happy. So I made the choice to end it. Logically if a relationship is not possible because of differences in compatibility, then it must be ended. I can be so much more without being in a restrictive and poisonous relationship, I can accomplish goals I set out for myself without having to answer to someone who is trying to control how my life goes, that is MY choice. I choose what I want to do, no one else does, and the pressure exerted by someone else should not cause me to give in and compromise what I believe is right for me. That's the life I had with her, I allowed myself to think with her brain, rather than my own, and once I broke free of that, I began to live my OWN life, and have never been happier. Sure, a little compromise is necessary, but if there are things that I feel are important things concerning me personally, things like the clothes I wear, the hairstyle I choose, and the people I associate with, I have the right to choose for myself. What if I DON'T want to go to bed with her, because there again, it's all about what SHE wants? I have the right to choose not to. No one else has the right to decide for me. They are not me. And that's what I did, I chose for myself, and it meant that I chose to end my association with her, as she could not allow me to be "me". Now I will move on, deciding for myself, and one day when this lifetime is over, I hope I find that I've learned what I came here to learn.

This has been a really long post, and yes I did get back to talking about my ex, but that's because I usually have a lot to say, and don't say it, at least not here, on my blog. There is lots more, more detail, about this subject, and many others, here in my head, but that's all for now, gonna leave some for another day........

No comments:

Post a Comment