Hey folks, hope everyone's doing well tonight.......
I haven't been writing again, and all I can say is that I haven't felt like it. I've said several times in former posts that I wanted to write every day, but I never seem to be able to find the words to put on "paper". I'm just going to say now that I'm just going to write whenever I feel I need to, because that's what I do anyway, no matter what I might have said a week ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My goal I think in writing should be one that is not only attainable, but is something that doesn't feel like a "goal" per se, but more of a lifestyle. Or at least something that becomes a part of a lifestyle. All I really want to do is get my thoughts out, in a permanent form, and I want to write a book, several in fact, all that's needed is the motivation.
See, this year has been especially difficult for me, but yet at the same time it's been one of the most memorable and wonderful years of my life at the same time. How? Well, for starters, and this is the "Reader's Digest" version, I left my wife, moved in with some friends of mine an hour away, got a new job, and basically tried to start a new life, living more or less on my own for the first time in my life. Every aspect of my life changed, but then some things stayed the same, like the way I thought, my mind, most of that didn't change much at all until recently. It's been difficult to be away from my daughters, and to see them only on occasion, and when I do, to see how my absence has affected their psyche, and to see the changes in them due to the influence of their mother and grandmother, I don't know, I just feel like I'm losing them. I know they still love me, but more and more now I see that they are getting used to me being gone, and they are not the same as I remember them. It's almost like sometimes they are happy I'm gone. My oldest cries every time I leave to come back here, but as far as the other two, I don't know, it could be that their minds are being poisoned by their mother, who of course is not happy with me, and so then too neither is their grandmother. But I'm not there to see it, I really don't know what they're telling them. So I can't pass judgement. Well yes I can, I know them well enough to know that they ARE in fact telling the girls about how "bad" I am, or maybe how "worthless", who knows? Anyway it just bothers me to think that my girls might not want to have anything to do with me because I'm not there, but more than that, I worry that I'm missing out on them growing up, missing out on moments that will never come again.
That's the difficult part, but there is a wonderful and memorable part, and that's the internal shakeup that has happened directly because I'm on my own. Many things about my way of thinking have changed, the way I view just about every aspect of my life has been affected in some way with this lifestyle change, and I'm loving it. I feel more alive, like I can do anything, but more than that, I feel the freedom to do anything I set my mind to, with no restrictions from anyone else to tie me down, and keep me from being successful. Things are going well at work, and soon I hope to attain one of my goals, which is to become part of the stock crew. Away from work, I've developed a few new friendships, and become even closer with a few I already had, and I've also been able to curb my obsessions, I've started to learn some control, and I couldn't be happier.
A few of my goals for the coming months are to further develop my new thought process, and to make strides in the aspect of my trying to look for explanations for everything, that's something I need to do a lot less. Sometimes things defy explanation, and I need to work on not always assuming that there MUST be a reason for every little thing that happens. It's the double edged sword of my emotional/analytical brain, first I feel about things, then I try to work out why a particular circumstance happened, and then come up with a likely scenario to follow. It's just the way this brain works folks, don't ask me where it came from. I just know that a little more flexibility would do me wonders. Just because my brain processes information into neat little boxes, that doesn't mean that the rest of the universe can and should be contained as such.
Well that's enough for one night, I'll see everyone again soon, when I will start posting the 30 Days of Truth posts again, I haven't done that in a week or so now. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and I will talk to you soon!