Hello folks, and welcome to another chapter in my spiritual growth.
There has been one major stumbling block in my life for as long as I can remember, and that's been me having preconceived notions about either how a person was going to act or think, or, in the case of a situation, how events would turn out. I would basically draw up the scenario in my mind, and then "connect the dots" as it were, using the information available to me, and further, assuming that whatever I came up with was a logical and completely rational picture of the event or person in question. Sometimes, events, and people's reactions or behaviors would follow exactly as I had predicted, but more often than not, they did not. My preconceived notions did nothing but hamper my ability to see the people and situations as they really were. I had been told on more than one occasion that it was wrong to do this, but it never sunk in, until recently.
As it turns out, I was completely wrong in EVER adopting this sort of thought process. While I could go and write another whole blog post about the ins and outs of my internal psyche, I am just going to simplify it and say that the reason I did it in the first place was that I was extremely worried about what others thought of me. I rationalized the fantasized scenarios to myself as "thinking ahead", "being prepared for anything", but in reality, all I was trying to do was make sure my feelings would not be hurt by anything that person did or said, or how the events turned out, since I was so deathly afraid of what other people would think of me.
The way I finally got past it, the way I got over that huge hurdle at last, was to accept and acknowledge the fact that I WAS concerned about what people thought. And then STOP DOING IT, right then and there. It might sound harder than that, but to me, it's like anything else. If you really want to do something, really and truly WANT to do something, then you will. Simple as that. If you want to quit smoking, honestly and truly, then you will quit cold turkey, and never do it again. That's the way it works for me at least. It may work differently for you. That's something else I've learned. Each and every one of us is different.
We are all unique individuals, living unique lives, so it follows then that our thoughts, emotions, and reactions to the same stimulus is also therefore unique. So why should any of us be concerned about what someone else thinks of us? We shouldn't. One of the greatest quotes of all time, in my opinion, states that "What others think of you is none of your business." I figured out what that means, to me, and it has of course affected how I interact with others.
Because I no longer chose to think about how others perceived me, I also found I needed to perceive myself in a different light as well. For the bulk of my life I have engaged in some very negative self talk, telling myself that I wasn't good enough, I didn't do anything right, and all of it driven by the constant "elephant in the room" of concern over how someone else would think of me. Without that encumbrance, I can now view myself in a much more positive light. I can say to myself "I CAN do these things I want to do, I DO deserve to be happy...." etc, etc. It's very liberating.
I want to close by saying that if any of you are struggling with the same things I've mentioned here, and you're saying to yourself "Yup, that's me, boy, I wish I could do something about it, BUT....." let me tell you this. You and only you CAN do something. All you have to do is be willing to see that you have no need to worry about what other people think. YOU choose how you react to what people say. YOU choose your own emotional state. YOU choose what thoughts YOU have. You don't get to choose for anyone else. So what anyone else thinks is of no consequence. It is completely in YOUR control to change. I did, and you can too.
Thanks, and have a great day.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Something was brought to my attention......and I'm really glad it WAS.....
Hello folks, and welcome back into my brain, into the workings of my innermost thoughts.
I was talking with a friend a few days ago, discussing our dinner plans, and I made mention of my landlady/room mate not making dinner that night. This turned into a conversation about how I'm a woman hater.
I'm not going to go into the specifics of the conversation, but what I am going to do is tell you what I took from it, and how it has affected my thought process.
First, I don't "hate" women. What my friend meant by that is that I have been blaming the women in my life for not wanting to be with me, for not loving me, and basically I've been holding it against them like it was THEIR fault, when in fact, the blame is entirely on me, and how I perceive myself and the situations as they happened.
I've mentioned before about how I was raised, or maybe I haven't, but either way, the short version goes like this: If it didn't involve school or church, I wasn't allowed to do it. I had no chance to socialize with friends for the sheer sake of socializing, nor could I ask someone for a "date", unless there was some relation to schoolwork or a church function involved. So basically when I left home after high school, I had very little in the way of social skills, and I soon realized that women were not fond of a man who didn't know anything about them or how to talk to them when he liked them.
That's one problem. After I left home, I blamed my parents for everything that went wrong with my life, especially in the love department. Fast forward 20 years, and now we have a handful of failed relationships, or mostly, relationships that never got off the ground. The bottom line is this. I have had a very screwed up sense of what women want in a man, and I have gone off the deep end thinking that they ALL just want one type of guy, a brute, a man who just asks "Who do I have to kill?" whenever a problem comes up. Couple this with a self esteem issue that I had formerly thought I had gotten over, what you have is a recipe for a person to deep down blame the objects of his desire for his own perceptions of why they don't like or love him.
Following this so far? It's very disjointed, I know, but there are so many variables in my head, so many things and thoughts that have come back to the forefront of my thinking ever since that conversation 2 days ago. So many things have happened over the last 20 years, that I cannot even pinpoint an exact time when any specific opinion or believe occurred. What I CAN say is that I now understand so much about my own psyche, and why I have felt so bad about relationships and women in general for SO long now.
One thing that also relates to this is my recent change in emotional state, and by recent I mean in the last few years or so. In keeping with this same theme, with yet another relationship that did not work out like I had hoped, I decided deep down to shut myself off to the feelings, to any kind of emotion pertaining to a woman. I know that now. I felt it was the way to achieve balance emotionally, but what it did was to water the "plant" of hatred that had been seeded a long time before, for those that had hurt me, and instead of dealing with the REAL issue, which was ME, I have let that plant grow until I could no longer see that there was an issue at all.
Right now, there is something I want to say.
To all the women in my life that I have had feelings for, and who did not have the same ones for me, I am sorry. I did not intend to blame you for my own problems within myself, but that is what happened. I became a bitter, jaded, stuffed shirt of a man because I made myself out to be a victim, and I was not, and you were right in not taking me as your "man". While everyone says that "I am what I am, take it or leave it", I went WAY beyond asking you to care for who I was, by having expectations of what you and the rest of your gender look for in a man, and have even had delusions of grandeur in feeling as though you should have fallen all over me, like I was better than all the other men. That right there should have been a sign to me that I had a serious ego issue. I apologize for all the trouble I caused all of you.
I can't explain how much makes sense to me now that I am finally aware of the deep rooted issue. I can finally let go of all the pain and hurt I've felt inside for so many years, because I'm not holding on to and directing it at others. I can feel emotions I have buried deep inside. I know now where I went wrong. AND, I can change it.
Thank you so much for listening folks, it means a lot to me that you have allowed me to share this with you.
I was talking with a friend a few days ago, discussing our dinner plans, and I made mention of my landlady/room mate not making dinner that night. This turned into a conversation about how I'm a woman hater.
I'm not going to go into the specifics of the conversation, but what I am going to do is tell you what I took from it, and how it has affected my thought process.
First, I don't "hate" women. What my friend meant by that is that I have been blaming the women in my life for not wanting to be with me, for not loving me, and basically I've been holding it against them like it was THEIR fault, when in fact, the blame is entirely on me, and how I perceive myself and the situations as they happened.
I've mentioned before about how I was raised, or maybe I haven't, but either way, the short version goes like this: If it didn't involve school or church, I wasn't allowed to do it. I had no chance to socialize with friends for the sheer sake of socializing, nor could I ask someone for a "date", unless there was some relation to schoolwork or a church function involved. So basically when I left home after high school, I had very little in the way of social skills, and I soon realized that women were not fond of a man who didn't know anything about them or how to talk to them when he liked them.
That's one problem. After I left home, I blamed my parents for everything that went wrong with my life, especially in the love department. Fast forward 20 years, and now we have a handful of failed relationships, or mostly, relationships that never got off the ground. The bottom line is this. I have had a very screwed up sense of what women want in a man, and I have gone off the deep end thinking that they ALL just want one type of guy, a brute, a man who just asks "Who do I have to kill?" whenever a problem comes up. Couple this with a self esteem issue that I had formerly thought I had gotten over, what you have is a recipe for a person to deep down blame the objects of his desire for his own perceptions of why they don't like or love him.
Following this so far? It's very disjointed, I know, but there are so many variables in my head, so many things and thoughts that have come back to the forefront of my thinking ever since that conversation 2 days ago. So many things have happened over the last 20 years, that I cannot even pinpoint an exact time when any specific opinion or believe occurred. What I CAN say is that I now understand so much about my own psyche, and why I have felt so bad about relationships and women in general for SO long now.
One thing that also relates to this is my recent change in emotional state, and by recent I mean in the last few years or so. In keeping with this same theme, with yet another relationship that did not work out like I had hoped, I decided deep down to shut myself off to the feelings, to any kind of emotion pertaining to a woman. I know that now. I felt it was the way to achieve balance emotionally, but what it did was to water the "plant" of hatred that had been seeded a long time before, for those that had hurt me, and instead of dealing with the REAL issue, which was ME, I have let that plant grow until I could no longer see that there was an issue at all.
Right now, there is something I want to say.
To all the women in my life that I have had feelings for, and who did not have the same ones for me, I am sorry. I did not intend to blame you for my own problems within myself, but that is what happened. I became a bitter, jaded, stuffed shirt of a man because I made myself out to be a victim, and I was not, and you were right in not taking me as your "man". While everyone says that "I am what I am, take it or leave it", I went WAY beyond asking you to care for who I was, by having expectations of what you and the rest of your gender look for in a man, and have even had delusions of grandeur in feeling as though you should have fallen all over me, like I was better than all the other men. That right there should have been a sign to me that I had a serious ego issue. I apologize for all the trouble I caused all of you.
I can't explain how much makes sense to me now that I am finally aware of the deep rooted issue. I can finally let go of all the pain and hurt I've felt inside for so many years, because I'm not holding on to and directing it at others. I can feel emotions I have buried deep inside. I know now where I went wrong. AND, I can change it.
Thank you so much for listening folks, it means a lot to me that you have allowed me to share this with you.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Why I don't write......
Good morning folks, it's good to be back again, here on my blog.
If you're wondering where I've been, well, I've been here, I opened Blogger, I even checked on a few comments I needed to moderate, but when it came to decide to click "New Post", I couldn't do it.
The reason?
I never have anything to write about. That's the thought. I see my life as pretty boring to other people, and I believe most of you would agree with that assessment. If there were something going on in my life that I felt like I needed to bounce off of someone, or, there was something I had strong feelings about, and felt like I had to "talk" to someone about it, then I think I could write a post.
I read things on the internet all the time from my online friends, most of whom have real lives. They have husbands, wives, kids, dogs, you name it. So they have lots to talk about. I don't. I live semi-alone, as my roommates and I are on opposite schedules, so we rarely see each other, and even when we do, we don't interact in the same way that people with families do. And besides that, I'm not going to come on my blog and complain or bitch about the way things are with them even if there were something to complain or bitch about, that's just not my way.
This is MY life folks:
I start my day at 9:30 at night by heading to work. Most nights I stock the shelves of the dairy department at my local Walmart from 10 PM until 7 AM. I leave work shortly thereafter, and go directly home. Then I usually spend several hours online, playing Facebook apps, chatting with a friend or two, if they are online, and generally just wind down until I feel tired enough to go to bed, usually between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning. I then sleep for the next 6 hours, almost like clockwork, and no matter how tired I was when I laid down, I rarely sleep more than that 6 hours at a time. When I wake up, around 3 PM, I get up, get a shower, find something to eat, and then sit in front of my computer screen doing Facebook apps, chatting, and basically wait until it is 9:30 again, when I have to leave for work. I have little to no communication with anyone else, no phone calls, no text messages, no one comes over, nothing. My days off are not much more productive either. Sometimes instead of playing around on the internet, I watch movies on my PC, just for fun. I have a TV in my room, but it's not plugged in or hooked up to anything, since we don't have cable here. So, to sum up, if I'm not at work, I'm in front of my computer screen, or I'm sleeping, that's it.
Why is my life like this you ask?
The main reason why is money. I make enough to pay my rent, a few other bills I have, I buy food and gas, and stuff to make cigarettes with, and after that, there is usually nothing left over. I can't ask anyone out on a date, because I ration the amount of gas I buy to the exact total I need to get back and forth to work for the two weeks in between paydays, out of necessity. I have no extra money to do anything at all. So, I have no social life, I don't go out and do anything, because I don't have the means. Granted, on various weeks, money is not that tight, and I do make some side trips here and there, but for the most part, I really don't have any leeway in deciding to just take a drive or take in a movie in a theatre, nothing. So, I stay at home, and do nothing.
The other part is my schedule. The greater part of my time awake is when everyone else is asleep, and vice versa. So when I am up and ready to do things, a lot of shops are closed or will be closed shortly after I wake up, and since most people have a day job, they are all asleep when I am up working. Doesn't make for much of a viable social life.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I need a change, I want a change, and I want to know what it is that makes me stay home and do nothing even WITH the things I mentioned above. I see people all over doing things, finding things they are interested in doing, they share tons of things on Facebook they find online, which you would think I would do with all the time I spend online, but I don't. I don't search things, I don't do a lot of reading online, nothing. And I want to know why.
What is it that makes me different than the rest of the world? Why am I not interested in anything? Aren't there things that I could be searching online, and finding out about, and sharing with others? I think there is, but I also think that I have a mental block that prevents me from doing so. Perhaps it is my "been there, done that" mentality about a lot of things I see and hear about. The same situations happening over and over, yes, with different players and different scenarios, but all the same basic emotions and circumstances. It's like I don't feel like there is anything new, as though there is nothing on this earth that would make me say, "Wow, that really surprises me, I had no idea" anymore. I am completely jaded on life as a whole. And I want to know how I can fix it.
I want to join the human race again. I want to enjoy a good laugh. I want to enjoy finding out something new, something amazing. I want to stop being such a hermit. I'm not even sure that's the right word for it. I may even qualify as being antisocial, I'm not sure, but either way, I want to know why.
If anyone has any answers, suggestions, or can even recommend a good website, feel free to comment.
Thanks everyone, and have a nice day.
If you're wondering where I've been, well, I've been here, I opened Blogger, I even checked on a few comments I needed to moderate, but when it came to decide to click "New Post", I couldn't do it.
The reason?
I never have anything to write about. That's the thought. I see my life as pretty boring to other people, and I believe most of you would agree with that assessment. If there were something going on in my life that I felt like I needed to bounce off of someone, or, there was something I had strong feelings about, and felt like I had to "talk" to someone about it, then I think I could write a post.
I read things on the internet all the time from my online friends, most of whom have real lives. They have husbands, wives, kids, dogs, you name it. So they have lots to talk about. I don't. I live semi-alone, as my roommates and I are on opposite schedules, so we rarely see each other, and even when we do, we don't interact in the same way that people with families do. And besides that, I'm not going to come on my blog and complain or bitch about the way things are with them even if there were something to complain or bitch about, that's just not my way.
This is MY life folks:
I start my day at 9:30 at night by heading to work. Most nights I stock the shelves of the dairy department at my local Walmart from 10 PM until 7 AM. I leave work shortly thereafter, and go directly home. Then I usually spend several hours online, playing Facebook apps, chatting with a friend or two, if they are online, and generally just wind down until I feel tired enough to go to bed, usually between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning. I then sleep for the next 6 hours, almost like clockwork, and no matter how tired I was when I laid down, I rarely sleep more than that 6 hours at a time. When I wake up, around 3 PM, I get up, get a shower, find something to eat, and then sit in front of my computer screen doing Facebook apps, chatting, and basically wait until it is 9:30 again, when I have to leave for work. I have little to no communication with anyone else, no phone calls, no text messages, no one comes over, nothing. My days off are not much more productive either. Sometimes instead of playing around on the internet, I watch movies on my PC, just for fun. I have a TV in my room, but it's not plugged in or hooked up to anything, since we don't have cable here. So, to sum up, if I'm not at work, I'm in front of my computer screen, or I'm sleeping, that's it.
Why is my life like this you ask?
The main reason why is money. I make enough to pay my rent, a few other bills I have, I buy food and gas, and stuff to make cigarettes with, and after that, there is usually nothing left over. I can't ask anyone out on a date, because I ration the amount of gas I buy to the exact total I need to get back and forth to work for the two weeks in between paydays, out of necessity. I have no extra money to do anything at all. So, I have no social life, I don't go out and do anything, because I don't have the means. Granted, on various weeks, money is not that tight, and I do make some side trips here and there, but for the most part, I really don't have any leeway in deciding to just take a drive or take in a movie in a theatre, nothing. So, I stay at home, and do nothing.
The other part is my schedule. The greater part of my time awake is when everyone else is asleep, and vice versa. So when I am up and ready to do things, a lot of shops are closed or will be closed shortly after I wake up, and since most people have a day job, they are all asleep when I am up working. Doesn't make for much of a viable social life.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I need a change, I want a change, and I want to know what it is that makes me stay home and do nothing even WITH the things I mentioned above. I see people all over doing things, finding things they are interested in doing, they share tons of things on Facebook they find online, which you would think I would do with all the time I spend online, but I don't. I don't search things, I don't do a lot of reading online, nothing. And I want to know why.
What is it that makes me different than the rest of the world? Why am I not interested in anything? Aren't there things that I could be searching online, and finding out about, and sharing with others? I think there is, but I also think that I have a mental block that prevents me from doing so. Perhaps it is my "been there, done that" mentality about a lot of things I see and hear about. The same situations happening over and over, yes, with different players and different scenarios, but all the same basic emotions and circumstances. It's like I don't feel like there is anything new, as though there is nothing on this earth that would make me say, "Wow, that really surprises me, I had no idea" anymore. I am completely jaded on life as a whole. And I want to know how I can fix it.
I want to join the human race again. I want to enjoy a good laugh. I want to enjoy finding out something new, something amazing. I want to stop being such a hermit. I'm not even sure that's the right word for it. I may even qualify as being antisocial, I'm not sure, but either way, I want to know why.
If anyone has any answers, suggestions, or can even recommend a good website, feel free to comment.
Thanks everyone, and have a nice day.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The new look, of my blog, and my life
Hello folks, and welcome to the new look of my blog. Bella made some changes on her blog, including changing the title to Tales of the Wolf Queen, and during our discussion of the template and layout changes she was making, I decided to try Blogger's template designer out for myself, and these are the results. Now all I need do is to change the blog button, and it will all be up to snuff.
I never mentioned in my last post that one of the major changes in my perspective had to do with the fact that I moved out of Bella's house. I found an ad in the paper to rent a room, and I called, went and saw the place, and ended up moving in the very next day. The lady that owns the house is renting two of the bedrooms, as she lives alone and has a double wide trailer with 3 bedrooms, and needs the extra income. It's a nice place, and it's not too far away from work. I only have to drive 4 miles further to go to work.
The one thing that is different about the conditions I'm living in now is that I am, for the first time in my life (other than when I was in the military), I am living with total strangers. In the military it's different, because you're all on the same schedule, you're all doing pretty much the same thing every day, but in the civilian world, it's a completely different thing. I do have all the privacy I want, and even though my schedule is opposite to both of my roommates, everything is working out well.
At work things are a little different as well. Several times over the last couple of weeks I have been assigned an area of the store outside of the dairy department, which I am very pleased about. Not only does it give me a much needed change of pace, but it also gives me the opportunity to learn those areas of the store and make me a better stocker overall. Before I started working at this particular store, I had never stocked a grocery aisle, but now, I've done 3 of them. Now the only areas of the store I've never touched are softlines (apparel), health and beauty aids, and pharmacy. I've also found that I've adjusted to the faster pace of the work at this store a lot better, and I'm getting the stocking done within a reasonable amount of time, closer to the time allotted, and the management seems to be pleased with my work.
For the first 3 weeks after I moved, I did not have internet access, and time seemed to really slow down. I had a lot of time to think about the next phase of my life, and what direction I wanted to go. I can't work where I'm at for the rest of my life, and I don't want to. I can't afford to live comfortably with the salary I earn there, and I'd really like to do something different. Stocking shelves is fine, it does have a certain amount of a sense of accomplishment involved, but it's not my passion, the thing I like to do most. So I thought about it, and thought about it, and I asked myself what it was that I would like to do for the rest of my life. And the answer was that I want to work on computers, the hardware stuff, and especially, to repair laptops. Ideally I'd like to open my own business, but, as always, it's money that gets in the way. I know I will never be completely happy doing what I'm doing however if I don't at least try, so somehow, some way, I will find a way to do it. It may take years to get there, and a lot of hard work, but I'd really like to see it happen.
It looks as though that's all my life is about right now, going to work, and trying to survive. I did find out I will be able to see my kids at the end of next month, and the ex and I are starting to get along better, so that's good. I am hoping at some point they will have the opportunity to move down here, nearer to me, so I will be able to see them on a more regular basis, and so I can be a part of their lives again.
Another thing I've been kicking around in my head is finding something to do outside of the house. I go to work, I come home, and then I'm either online, or watching movies, I eat, I shower, I sleep. But that's it. Part of that has to do with the fact that I rarely have "extra" money, so I CAN'T go out and do anything, but even then, there are lots of things to do that don't cost money if one is so diligent to go out and find them. I like to use the excuse that I don't have the gas to go out and do anything, but if I planned it properly, then I'd find a way, it's not a valid excuse. Then again, I am a bit of a hermit, I LIKE to stay home, but once you get me out, I'm fine with that too. One way or the other I need to get out. I need to meet new people, get involved in something. I might be alive, but I certainly don't have a "life".
Better start working on getting one of those......I'm not getting any younger.
I never mentioned in my last post that one of the major changes in my perspective had to do with the fact that I moved out of Bella's house. I found an ad in the paper to rent a room, and I called, went and saw the place, and ended up moving in the very next day. The lady that owns the house is renting two of the bedrooms, as she lives alone and has a double wide trailer with 3 bedrooms, and needs the extra income. It's a nice place, and it's not too far away from work. I only have to drive 4 miles further to go to work.
The one thing that is different about the conditions I'm living in now is that I am, for the first time in my life (other than when I was in the military), I am living with total strangers. In the military it's different, because you're all on the same schedule, you're all doing pretty much the same thing every day, but in the civilian world, it's a completely different thing. I do have all the privacy I want, and even though my schedule is opposite to both of my roommates, everything is working out well.
At work things are a little different as well. Several times over the last couple of weeks I have been assigned an area of the store outside of the dairy department, which I am very pleased about. Not only does it give me a much needed change of pace, but it also gives me the opportunity to learn those areas of the store and make me a better stocker overall. Before I started working at this particular store, I had never stocked a grocery aisle, but now, I've done 3 of them. Now the only areas of the store I've never touched are softlines (apparel), health and beauty aids, and pharmacy. I've also found that I've adjusted to the faster pace of the work at this store a lot better, and I'm getting the stocking done within a reasonable amount of time, closer to the time allotted, and the management seems to be pleased with my work.
For the first 3 weeks after I moved, I did not have internet access, and time seemed to really slow down. I had a lot of time to think about the next phase of my life, and what direction I wanted to go. I can't work where I'm at for the rest of my life, and I don't want to. I can't afford to live comfortably with the salary I earn there, and I'd really like to do something different. Stocking shelves is fine, it does have a certain amount of a sense of accomplishment involved, but it's not my passion, the thing I like to do most. So I thought about it, and thought about it, and I asked myself what it was that I would like to do for the rest of my life. And the answer was that I want to work on computers, the hardware stuff, and especially, to repair laptops. Ideally I'd like to open my own business, but, as always, it's money that gets in the way. I know I will never be completely happy doing what I'm doing however if I don't at least try, so somehow, some way, I will find a way to do it. It may take years to get there, and a lot of hard work, but I'd really like to see it happen.
It looks as though that's all my life is about right now, going to work, and trying to survive. I did find out I will be able to see my kids at the end of next month, and the ex and I are starting to get along better, so that's good. I am hoping at some point they will have the opportunity to move down here, nearer to me, so I will be able to see them on a more regular basis, and so I can be a part of their lives again.
Another thing I've been kicking around in my head is finding something to do outside of the house. I go to work, I come home, and then I'm either online, or watching movies, I eat, I shower, I sleep. But that's it. Part of that has to do with the fact that I rarely have "extra" money, so I CAN'T go out and do anything, but even then, there are lots of things to do that don't cost money if one is so diligent to go out and find them. I like to use the excuse that I don't have the gas to go out and do anything, but if I planned it properly, then I'd find a way, it's not a valid excuse. Then again, I am a bit of a hermit, I LIKE to stay home, but once you get me out, I'm fine with that too. One way or the other I need to get out. I need to meet new people, get involved in something. I might be alive, but I certainly don't have a "life".
Better start working on getting one of those......I'm not getting any younger.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
New perspectives
I've been away for a while, but now, I'm back. My perspective has changed, more than any of you realize, so this is now going to be a very different blog. Those few who have the privilege of being close to me understand what has gone on in the last few months, and specifically what has happened in the last 3 weeks, which has changed me in such a fundamental way, and I doubt I will ever be what I was before. That's how deep this goes.
I have always posted about my feelings, and my innermost thoughts, and I will still do that, but that's the thing that has changed the most. I'm not able to explain how that is possible, and to be honest, I don't really care, but the fact is, I am not the man I used to be. Is that "better"? Who knows. Is it worse? I don't know that either. What I do know is that who I am now is the person I was supposed to be all along, without all the drippy emotional parts of me that were doing nothing more than dragging me down into some imaginary abyss of despair that, in reality, doesn't really exist.
I don't even wish I could tell you what it's like to finally to be free of that. None of it matters. It was all inside my own head, and even if some of you could relate to it, there is nothing in my mind that tells me you could say you had in any way, shape, or form, experienced the same thing as me. It was so overwhelming, so life encompassing, that there's no way most of you could have ever functioned as a human being had you felt the same as I did.
Having said that, and hoping you are all still reading lol, I will say this. I will still be posting my thoughts, and "feelings", as they are, but it will not be the same. Life changes, and this just happens to be one of the major changes to happen in this, my life, this lifetime. This change just means that my posts will not have the same "flavor", or feeling they once did. It may seem I am being distant, or even non feeling, but that is natural with this. I am not going to apologize for it, nor am I going to say that I feel any particular way about it, because truthfully, I don't. This is my blog, and I'll write the way I want. End of story.
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.
I have always posted about my feelings, and my innermost thoughts, and I will still do that, but that's the thing that has changed the most. I'm not able to explain how that is possible, and to be honest, I don't really care, but the fact is, I am not the man I used to be. Is that "better"? Who knows. Is it worse? I don't know that either. What I do know is that who I am now is the person I was supposed to be all along, without all the drippy emotional parts of me that were doing nothing more than dragging me down into some imaginary abyss of despair that, in reality, doesn't really exist.
I don't even wish I could tell you what it's like to finally to be free of that. None of it matters. It was all inside my own head, and even if some of you could relate to it, there is nothing in my mind that tells me you could say you had in any way, shape, or form, experienced the same thing as me. It was so overwhelming, so life encompassing, that there's no way most of you could have ever functioned as a human being had you felt the same as I did.
Having said that, and hoping you are all still reading lol, I will say this. I will still be posting my thoughts, and "feelings", as they are, but it will not be the same. Life changes, and this just happens to be one of the major changes to happen in this, my life, this lifetime. This change just means that my posts will not have the same "flavor", or feeling they once did. It may seem I am being distant, or even non feeling, but that is natural with this. I am not going to apologize for it, nor am I going to say that I feel any particular way about it, because truthfully, I don't. This is my blog, and I'll write the way I want. End of story.
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled web surfing.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Just came to chat......
I've been away for a few weeks, again, but they have not been unproductive weeks.
I started writing on a site called 750words.com, which is exactly what the name implies. You are encouraged to write every day, at least 750 words, and there are small "rewards" in the form of "badges" for consecutive days written, and for writing with no "distractions", etc. There is also a "stats" page that displays after every post so you can track different aspects of how you write, with frequently used words, and some psychological data as well, as they somehow have a way to analyse the post itself, and can give you personal feedback on what it is you are writing about, in a general form. Feedback such as how you feel, if you write about yourself or others, and what subject you wrote about most, such as religion or money, etc. Check it out yourself if you're finding it hard to write in your blog, or anywhere else for that matter, it's pretty cool. It helps you order your thoughts, even when you weren't planning to or are unable to for whatever reason. It's completely locked down, so you can write whatever you want and no one can see, so it sort of works like a journal or a diary, if that's what you choose to turn it into. I find it works well to just get whatever thoughts I'm thinking out in a more permanent form, and it promotes those thoughts moving forward instead of going in circles in my mind for days on end. So try it out, you may find it to be both enjoyable and therapeutic, as I have.
In other news, I've gotten more into "the groove" at my new Walmart, and have adjusted pretty well to the different management style they employ. Life at home has improved as well. There doesn't seem to be as much stress as before, though it will still be better when I can find my own place, and Bella doesn't have to put up with me being around ALL the time (except when I'm at work of course). LOL
Christmas was........well, to be honest, quiet. I was here by myself a lot of the past few days, while Bella and Jack and Alex spent time with their family. Christmas morning was the least chaotic I have ever seen, but that's mostly due to the fact that Alex is the only child in the house, and therefore got ALL the presents lol. I myself got 3 presents, much to my surprise, and it was a good day.
It's going to be an interesting New Year's too, as my schedule has me in "off a day, work a day" mode for most of that week. I'm off New Year's Eve, work New Year's Day, and then off the day after, work the day after that, and then off again the day after that. By the time I go back to work that Thursday and have to work 4 days straight through Sunday (my normal schedule), I won't know what to do with myself, having so many "single" days worked. Should be fun to have what will feel like a full week "off". I mean, sandwiching a day of work in between 2 days off never really feels like a real work day, and then to have it happen for a full 5 days, well, that'll be like a mini vacation lol.
I have a lot to look forward to in the coming year. From the communication I have had with my ex, there may in fact be a divorce in my near future. If she did somehow manage to file, that's great, but I don't see how she could have done so. But, she mentioned in an email to me that "it won't be long", and that they (the lawyers involved I assume) were trying to arrange it for my visits with the kids to be supervised, and that she was trying to change that. She didn't mention any more than that. She has not been forthcoming with information in that regard, and the only reason I can see for her doing that is that she wants it to happen the way SHE wants it, which is not really in her power to arrange. Only she doesn't seem to know that. The child support amount will not change, no matter what she wants, and as far as any visits are concerned, there are rules, none of which she can circumvent or get an exception to, as they are put in place to make things fair for both parties involved. So, I'm just biding my time, until I receive legal notice from someone with the authority to make those decisions before I talk to her about it or take any action of my own. I know her well enough to know that she uses these sly tactics to try to bait me into doing her bidding, and this time I'm not fueling that fire. 'Nuff said.
That's about it for now. I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season, and that you all have a fantastic New Year. Talk to you soon!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Life serves up a big piece of reality pie......
I haven't posted in a very long time, longer than ever (for me), and part of the reason has been because I couldn't figure out how to say what I was thinking, or how to articulate my feelings. That does not mean, however, that nothing has been happening.........
When I got here, to Florida, I was living in a fantasy world, the same one I had lived in when I was in Tennessee. It was a world in which I thought that moving to Florida would solve all my problems, and make me happy beyond measure. I was over the moon excited when Bella messaged me and offered me a place to stay, with her and her husband, and so was she. It's what we had hoped and dreamed would happen, so we could be in contact in the flesh, instead of just exclusively online. I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to live with their best friend, right?
Well, as it is often the case, the reality of a situation is very different than whatever fantasy one can dream up. For the first few weeks, until the "newness" wore off, things were great. But then, reality set in.
It took longer than we thought for me to get a job, and then the tension started building. Not between us, mind you, but with the strain of having an extra mouth to feed, and having their resources already stretched very thin, having me around caused a massive "elephant" of worry to invade their home. Having a roommate was not something they were used to, and me just being here inevitably caused changes to their routine. Having your home "invaded" by another person, one who is not part of your normal family, whether they pay their way or not, is stressful.
The feeling before I got here was that everything would be great. We'd hang out, do stuff together. It would be awesome.........there was no way things would be "bad".
The reality though, is that people have to eat. Bills still need to be paid. And extra people in the house means there is more to pay. So there is worry.
I can tell you with no reservation that this is not how I envisioned life turning out. I have never liked the idea of causing a burden to anyone, much less my best friend. I didn't come down here to make her life difficult, but that is in fact what has happened......sorta. Now that I've been working for a little over a month, my paychecks will soon become steady, and predictable, and at least the financial strain I have been will ease significantly. But the invasion of privacy factor will not, until I move out. THAT is something I cannot wait for. For their sake. Their house is only just big enough for the three of them, and they deserve to have their own space back.
Another flavor in this heaping helping of reality pie is the way she and I interact. When your only interaction with someone is online, with typed words on a screen, things don't always come across the same as they would in person. Add to that the strange fact that I myself don't talk the same online as I do in person, well, you can see how things might be different when you're all of a sudden talking exclusively in person. I warned Bella beforehand that I was like that, and yet could not provide an explanation, and still can't, but still, how does someone prepare for that?
Anyway, the fact of the matter is, things just turned out to be a lot different than we thought. I know I'm probably making it sound like it's all terrible, and that's not the case at all. It's just.......different........than we imagined it.
I said all that so that now I can say this: It's been an educational experience in many ways. I have learned a lot about myself, and so have Bella and Jack. Having me around has been a catalyst for things that could not have happened had I not been here. They are more united than they have ever been, and I could not be happier to see it. When problems have come up, they have come together as a family to solve them. I myself have learned that just because you can imagine how things will go, the reality is completely different. You can't try to make the fantasy into reality either, because it's not real. Life is not like the movies in your head.
Bella means the world to me. I love her with every fiber of my being. It has been painful to know that my presence has caused her undue stress. I can only imagine the conflict in her mind, of her being so happy I'm here, but yet so ready for me to leave. She had a period of "silence", where she didn't talk to me much for about 4 days, because she didn't know how to express what she was feeling to me, to exorcise the "elephant" the stress had grown into. How do you tell your best friend that while you love them dearly, you just can't handle them being in your house? It was horrible for her, and it hurt me beyond measure that she had to go through it, and really, is STILL going through it. And it's not me personally, it would be the same if it were anyone else. The fact that it IS me though makes it all the more painful. Their house is just not suited for having a roommate.
Like I said earlier, I don't want to make it sound like life is bad, because it's not. There were just logistical things we didn't plan for when we planned for me to come down here, and there has been stress. And then there's my "new" job.
This Walmart is a lot different than the one I worked at in Tennessee. They use a different sort of management procedure for the night stockers, and it has taken some getting used to. I thought I was just going to jump right in where I left off, but with the rules being a little different, it's been quite a challenge. There's a lot of pressure to finish with the freight in the specified time frame, and they are sticklers with the computer based task management system. Adding to that is the different layout of the store, which I don't like, the cooler and freezers are smaller, as are the receiving areas. It's harder to move around, there always seems to be something in the way. But I'm getting used to it, and the stress level I have has waned recently as I adjust to my new environment.
Of course I've met a ton of new people, and with them being in a different place geographically, they are different psychologically than those I knew in Tennessee. I find my interactions with them are subsequently different. They are more focused on their work, and complain less, they do what they have to do and go home, and I appreciate that.
All in all life is good. We all have daily challenges to deal with, things that are not always comfortable, but that's what reality is. Everything in a fantasy comes up roses. Reality usually serves up an equal measure of both. My perspective on life has changed. I no longer live in the fantasy world I had made for myself. Taking a new perspective on life has also prompted me to change the name of my blog to "Perth's Perspective", because it seems much more appropriate. I feel I have "grown up" a lot in the last 2 months, and learned some important lessons. I don't feel so alone, I don't wish for things I can't have, or imagine what my life is while ignoring the reality.
Reality pie tastes good.
When I got here, to Florida, I was living in a fantasy world, the same one I had lived in when I was in Tennessee. It was a world in which I thought that moving to Florida would solve all my problems, and make me happy beyond measure. I was over the moon excited when Bella messaged me and offered me a place to stay, with her and her husband, and so was she. It's what we had hoped and dreamed would happen, so we could be in contact in the flesh, instead of just exclusively online. I mean, who wouldn't want to be able to live with their best friend, right?
Well, as it is often the case, the reality of a situation is very different than whatever fantasy one can dream up. For the first few weeks, until the "newness" wore off, things were great. But then, reality set in.
It took longer than we thought for me to get a job, and then the tension started building. Not between us, mind you, but with the strain of having an extra mouth to feed, and having their resources already stretched very thin, having me around caused a massive "elephant" of worry to invade their home. Having a roommate was not something they were used to, and me just being here inevitably caused changes to their routine. Having your home "invaded" by another person, one who is not part of your normal family, whether they pay their way or not, is stressful.
The feeling before I got here was that everything would be great. We'd hang out, do stuff together. It would be awesome.........there was no way things would be "bad".
The reality though, is that people have to eat. Bills still need to be paid. And extra people in the house means there is more to pay. So there is worry.
I can tell you with no reservation that this is not how I envisioned life turning out. I have never liked the idea of causing a burden to anyone, much less my best friend. I didn't come down here to make her life difficult, but that is in fact what has happened......sorta. Now that I've been working for a little over a month, my paychecks will soon become steady, and predictable, and at least the financial strain I have been will ease significantly. But the invasion of privacy factor will not, until I move out. THAT is something I cannot wait for. For their sake. Their house is only just big enough for the three of them, and they deserve to have their own space back.
Another flavor in this heaping helping of reality pie is the way she and I interact. When your only interaction with someone is online, with typed words on a screen, things don't always come across the same as they would in person. Add to that the strange fact that I myself don't talk the same online as I do in person, well, you can see how things might be different when you're all of a sudden talking exclusively in person. I warned Bella beforehand that I was like that, and yet could not provide an explanation, and still can't, but still, how does someone prepare for that?
Anyway, the fact of the matter is, things just turned out to be a lot different than we thought. I know I'm probably making it sound like it's all terrible, and that's not the case at all. It's just.......different........than we imagined it.
I said all that so that now I can say this: It's been an educational experience in many ways. I have learned a lot about myself, and so have Bella and Jack. Having me around has been a catalyst for things that could not have happened had I not been here. They are more united than they have ever been, and I could not be happier to see it. When problems have come up, they have come together as a family to solve them. I myself have learned that just because you can imagine how things will go, the reality is completely different. You can't try to make the fantasy into reality either, because it's not real. Life is not like the movies in your head.
Bella means the world to me. I love her with every fiber of my being. It has been painful to know that my presence has caused her undue stress. I can only imagine the conflict in her mind, of her being so happy I'm here, but yet so ready for me to leave. She had a period of "silence", where she didn't talk to me much for about 4 days, because she didn't know how to express what she was feeling to me, to exorcise the "elephant" the stress had grown into. How do you tell your best friend that while you love them dearly, you just can't handle them being in your house? It was horrible for her, and it hurt me beyond measure that she had to go through it, and really, is STILL going through it. And it's not me personally, it would be the same if it were anyone else. The fact that it IS me though makes it all the more painful. Their house is just not suited for having a roommate.
Like I said earlier, I don't want to make it sound like life is bad, because it's not. There were just logistical things we didn't plan for when we planned for me to come down here, and there has been stress. And then there's my "new" job.
This Walmart is a lot different than the one I worked at in Tennessee. They use a different sort of management procedure for the night stockers, and it has taken some getting used to. I thought I was just going to jump right in where I left off, but with the rules being a little different, it's been quite a challenge. There's a lot of pressure to finish with the freight in the specified time frame, and they are sticklers with the computer based task management system. Adding to that is the different layout of the store, which I don't like, the cooler and freezers are smaller, as are the receiving areas. It's harder to move around, there always seems to be something in the way. But I'm getting used to it, and the stress level I have has waned recently as I adjust to my new environment.
Of course I've met a ton of new people, and with them being in a different place geographically, they are different psychologically than those I knew in Tennessee. I find my interactions with them are subsequently different. They are more focused on their work, and complain less, they do what they have to do and go home, and I appreciate that.
All in all life is good. We all have daily challenges to deal with, things that are not always comfortable, but that's what reality is. Everything in a fantasy comes up roses. Reality usually serves up an equal measure of both. My perspective on life has changed. I no longer live in the fantasy world I had made for myself. Taking a new perspective on life has also prompted me to change the name of my blog to "Perth's Perspective", because it seems much more appropriate. I feel I have "grown up" a lot in the last 2 months, and learned some important lessons. I don't feel so alone, I don't wish for things I can't have, or imagine what my life is while ignoring the reality.
Reality pie tastes good.
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