Sunday, February 14, 2010

The day that will live in infamy

Ten days. Ten days since I posted. Seems to be a trend for me. Always trends, or ruts that I'm in. And not the good rut, like a deer will get in, at for them least there is an end to it, and in that end the deer gets laid, if he's lucky.

Today is, well was, Valentine's day, as everyone knows, and of course there is lots of love floating around. There was lots of love in the air on that fateful day 18 years ago too, the day I met the shrew. She knew a friend of mine, and at the time he was engaged to her mother, so he invited me to go to her house and meet her and her mother. He and I were stationed at a nearby naval base, and were just able to go down and visit on weekends. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I met her, found her to be reasonably interesting, pretty cute, but I didn't see stars around her or hear the hallelujah chorus or anything. Later on in the day was when things "picked up". All she did was take an interest in making me feel at home, pretty innocent stuff. She showed me photo albums, that was it, laying across her bed, but somehow that stirred something in me, and I "fell in love". Of course looking back on it, I know it was not true love, only infatuation, and for no other reason other than that she gave me attention, something I was craving badly.

Fast forward 18 years and three kids later, and we find us on the verge of divorce. And only because I grew up, figured out I didn't actually "love" her, and decided to have my own opinion. But since she thought that I was the type to give in all the time, she still expects it, and I won't do it, we are never going to be the same. Completely my fault though. She's no different than before, still the same controlling personality, but who's to say that's a bad thing? I can't judge her, I'm not any better of a person, and she's not "bad" per se. She's a great mom, and I'm sure for someone out there, she's a great match. That someone is just not me.

Anyway, today has just not been a day of love for me, so I think I will stop before I ruin it for everyone else. I hope you have all had a wonderful day, and will talk to you soon!

1 comment:

  1. *HUGS* That's a hard, hard, HARD realization man, I've been there. My ex-wife was and is a great person too, I did love her, just not... the right way. She's a great match, and it wasn't with me either. No stars, no sparks, no hallelujah chorus as you say. Time didn't stand still, and my heart didn't leap, and ... yada. Yada yada. People don't REALLY change at their core... a core where we truly connect on. That bit of soul or spirit that makes us us. Our interests, likes, dislikes, etc, may change through the years, we may grow, but... that core. That core bit that is the "I" that stands at the center... that doesn't change.

    I have to say, that when you or your ex finds that perfect match, it HURTS. Both sides. I left my wife for the same reasons, and then she found her match. It hurts, knowing that wasn't me. Knowing no matter how much effort I put in, or just by being myself, it wasn't ever enough. Ouch. Ego blow. That really challenged my own sense of self worth. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, something. But if you can't be yourself, if you can't be your core you, if you have to try and be something that isn't natural to who you are... then do they really love YOU? And vice versa. Hard hard shit.

    So. *hugs* Love is real, it exists, there really is someone for all of us. Have faith, and stay strong to that gut reaction. When the stars and sparks truly hit, when the spark engulfs you in a magnifying flame that consumes and renews you at the same time, you'll know.