I haven't posted in a while, I've been thinking rather than writing. I haven't really had the desire to write anything down, as I have been more active in talking to people, whether it be at work, online, on the phone, wherever. Living MY life, that's what I've been doing. It's been 2 months now since I moved out, and once I got over the newness of my situation, and settled in to my new job, I set out on a quest of self improvement.
I've been reading, meditating, and as I said before, thinking and interacting with people. I wrote in a post not too long ago about the fact that I missed the company of a woman. That feeling is no longer with me, as one of the major changes I found I needed to make was to learn some self control. See, for as long as I can remember, I have had this desire to have a woman love me, to BE with someone, and it was all because I had never been happy with myself, loved myself for who I was. So I looked for a woman to fill that void. I call it the "love me" syndrome.
In order to become more independent, well rounded person, I realized I needed to make a change, so I literally shut off the "love me", and right away, two things sorta surprised me. One was how easily I was able to just turn it off, and the other was how little I missed it. That "love me" dominated everything in how I interacted with women, and once I got rid of it, I felt free to do whatever I wanted, and be happy with myself. To be ME.
I've now decided to make more changes, some internal, and some external. Internally I am becoming accustomed to being in charge of my own life, and not worrying about what anyone else thinks about it. Making decisions based on my thoughts, not thinking with someone else's thoughts, which is really the gist of what it is I had been doing all those years prior. "Will so-and-so think this will be what I should say, what I should do?" That was me. I'm a lot happier and more comfortable now knowing I don't have to think that way.
Externally I have decided to make a few changes too. I'm going to color my hair, I'm 38, and the salt and pepper look I currently have has GOT to go, I don't like how old it makes me look. I'm also going to buy some new clothes, as my wardrobe is old and not at all in style. I also plan to buy some dumbbells, and start a workout program to build some muscle. All these things I've been putting off for years, and it's time I got started taking care of them. Stuff that "I" have wanted to do, but for one reason or another got put on the back burner.
So there's my life as it is today. I'm concentrating heavily on improving myself, and I feel like I've made a good start.