Thursday, November 4, 2010

Fate grabs me by the arm, and yanks....

Hi folks, I hope you're having a good day so far!

Well it seems that fate has intervened again, and things in my life are changing as they always do.

I've been working my third shift job now for almost 8 months, and it's been almost 9 months since I moved out, but overall my life hasn't changed all that much from what it had been before. What I mean by that is what my life was like while I'm not at work, what I do with my time, as well as what plans I had for the future, what goals I set for myself.

I've been here doing pretty much a whole lot of nothing except being on the computer, more or less hiding out from the world. Since I do have a third shift job, some of the time during the day of course I spend sleeping. I've gone from sleeping from the time I get home from work (at 730 AM) till about 3 in the afternoon, to waiting till 3 or 4 in the afternoon to go to bed, and then getting up right before I have to go to work. Now I've decided that neither of these is working for me, so I'm going to try sleeping from about 11 or 12 till about 6, so I have a few hours on either end of my sleep to get things done and get ready for my "day".

The reasons for this are twofold. First, my roommates have been waking me up at night when it's time, because I asked them to, and while they haven't said it, I know they are getting tired of doing it. So I want to change my schedule to make it where they no longer need to do it. I have always had a problem with oversleeping, mostly due to the fact that I don't go to bed with enough time to get the amount of sleep I require, so a change is in order. That's the second thing. I've gotten up late several times now, even with them coming to wake me, and I have been late for work, and I don't want that to happen anymore. And last night, my roommates were already outside moving their cars out so I could leave (the driveway is only one car wide and so we park our vehicles in a line) and I was running late, and a comment was made that I needed to start getting up when they wake me, or something to that effect. My response was simply "I've got a plan for that", to which my roommate said "You don't have to have an attitude". I guess she thought I was upset or something about her and her boyfriend waking me, but I was referring to the fact that I had decided to change my sleep schedule. Now of course since I was running late we could not continue the conversation, but suffice it to say that I will not have them waking me up anymore. Having that happen was a literal "wake up call" to me that making the decision to sleep at a different time was the right thing to do.

Things have changed on the computer front as well. I've not been interested as much as I used to be in playing on Facebook, the games are not as appealing as they once were. I chat a lot with my best friend, and things have changed with her schedule as well which will make sleeping at this new time make even more sense.

I feel like that since I left my wife, I've had these 9 months to adjust, to get comfortable with being alone, but now fate is pushing me to get out and do something with this new life, to get on with living. I've alluded to this in earlier posts, how my mindset is changing, about how my internal thought processes have really taken a turn, so I won't go into any of that here.

What I will say is that recently I've found I have more questions than answers. What am I supposed to be doing? Where should I go? I can't stay here, my friends would love to have their house back all to themselves. Besides, I can't even cook here, the lady of the house is very particular about her kitchen staying the way she wants it to be, so she'd rather I didn't go in there and cook anything. I've been eating mostly ready made food and sandwiches and so forth ever since I've been here, and I'm tired of eating like that. I'm tired of only having one room to be in, having access to a bathroom with no shower, only a tub. Sure I have the internet, there's never a shortage of things to do or see or read, but like I said earlier it's lost it's appeal. But therein lies my next problem. I want to be more communicative, talk with some of my pagan friends I've met online, chat with them, connect with people. But how do I do that if I'm not on the computer? I know there is so much ahead of me, so much opportunity to grow, to expand my knowledge, and to make great friends, so what's stopping me? I wish I had an answer to that one.

I had a dream a few nights ago, and in it there was a person I hardly know, someone at work. I don't know why I feel this way, but I got the feeling from that dream that this person was someone I needed to or will make more contact with in the future, she seems to be someone of some importance for my life. At least that's the feeling I got. She doesn't work third shift even, which is why I hardly know her, but if the dream means anything, then I suppose at some point I will know her very intimately. It could have been just a dream, and mean nothing. But, I've noticed lately that there are not many times that I remember my dreams when I wake up. When I do, it seems that they deal with something important going on in my life, or even future events, I have many deja vu moments stemming from dreams I've had. So right now I'm not sure what to make of it. I'll just have to see how events unfold.

There is something else that has made a mad dash to the front of my mind, and that's related to doing things as well. That's the reason I've written this post, I've had this itch, this feeling of "I need to go, and do, so so bad". I've found myself looking at things to do, like hunting for instance, the possibilities of living off the land, as opposed to always going to the local Walmart or grocery store to find everything to make life possible. There was a time not long ago even when you could not have paid me to go hunting, there was just not a thought in my head to even entertain the thought, let alone thinking of buying the gear and going and doing it. Other things are coming to mind as well, like the thought of having my own place, living freely and truly ALONE, by myself. I've never done that, and now I want it so bad I can almost taste it. The absolute freedom to do and go and be what I want to, the allure is overpowering. I want to cook my own food, own my own gun(s), so I can go out and hunt for that food if I choose to, I want to make things, build things, I want a chicken coop. I want to plow my own land, I want my own house with acres of property to grow things, I want to eat my own home grown vegetables. I want to work with my hands, I want to be active, I want to create things, I don't want to be a couch potato anymore. Well, I guess I'm not exactly a "couch potato", maybe I'm just a "computer chair cucumber" or something, but either way I want more out of life, I want to be independent, and I want to be able to go to bed at night, or during the day as it happens for me, knowing that I'm tired and worn out from doing good things for my life, for the environment, and for the earth. Work, do, and keep doing, that's what I want. I want to feel the thrill of accomplishment when I harvest my first crop, collect my first eggs, and with it feel my connection with Mother Earth in the way it was intended to be felt, with me as part of her, not just living "on" her.

May she grant me this wish soon, the goddess of fate, I'm ready to get started.

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