Thursday, December 2, 2010

30 days of truth, day 1

A lot of people have posted this "30 days of Truth" in their blogs, and I feel like I should do it too, without first thinking them over, like I often do with a lot of my posts. I usually plan ahead, get my thoughts together, before I write, but I'm not going to with this, I just going to write what comes to mind on the day I write them. So, without further ado, here's Day 1.

Something I hate about myself......

If this is to be a completely honest and truthful series, then I have to be completely honest with myself here, and not write what I tell myself is true, but actually reach inside, to my subconscious mind, and wrench out into the open what my REAL feelings and thoughts are about the subject matter.

When I first saw what this question asked, I thought to myself, "Self, there's nothing you hate about you, you're a pretty well rounded individual these days, and you feel like everything about you is good. That post will be short, and easy. You'll just say that everything about you is great, nothing is worthy of hatred, because it's what makes you "you"."

But then, from the depths of my conscious mind, a thought, always kept under tight guard so it doesn't escape, creeps to the surface, and it's this.

I hate being so emotional. I want so bad some days to shut it all off, to stop "feeling", for just one day, to stop being the person that filters almost every single thought through a gigantic emotional filter. Why do I have to "feel" about something before I add logic and practicality, before I add common sense? I know everyone has emotions, everyone at some point feels love, anger, jealousy, sadness, happiness, joy, all of these, but me? There isn't a day that goes by that at some point I feel them all, sometimes going swiftly from one extreme to the other, in the same moment even.

I understand that there is nothing wrong with being emotional, I get this. It's part of who I am, I was more or less born this way. Being a triple water (Cancer sun sign, Scorpio moon sign, Pisces rising sign) tends to make a person that way, but that doesn't mean I necessarily have to like it. Much of my life has been an exercise in emotional behavior, I've had irrational fears, rational fears, and fears that have yet to be explained or defined. I've had bouts of anger that bordered on the psychotic, and I've felt deep dark hatred for others, including myself, for one reason or another, I've often felt like a complete loser who will never amount to anything. I've had feelings of concern and empathy towards others, I've felt love on a cosmic scale, a type most people never get to experience, and I've felt love that I thought was on a cosmic scale that turned out to be nothing but infatuation. I've felt the greatest sadness a person can imagine that had me sobbing for hours, and I've felt joy that some have only imagined, that also brought me to tears.

Wait a minute, do I REALLY hate this? Do I hate being able to feel all of this? Many of these emotions I wouldn't trade for anything, I WANT to feel, to sense, because that's the other thing, with such strong emotions of my own, I am able to feel them in others, even if they are not showing them on the outside. I can relate to how other people are feeling, in many different situations, because with these emotions, I can easily put myself in other people's shoes.

And there's the paradox, because having the ability to experience all of those emotions, and use their energy to help and comfort and empathize with others, is the most wonderful gift I could have ever been blessed with. At the same time I hate being so emotional, I love it as well, because of what it allows me to do for my fellow man. And, it allows me to learn to control the volatility of emotions in their rawest and often strongest form. No one can be a functional member of society without learning to control themselves. Having these emotions and using them wisely also gives me a sense of self worth that only comes with the realization that they are a priceless gift, one not to be squandered. So all that talk about hating myself for being emotional? Yeah, I do, some days, when I forget that I am supposed to be emotional, it's what makes me who I am, and there's nobody else I'd rather be.

So, what IS it that I hate about myself?

I hate that there aren't more emotions inside me to experience.

1 comment:

  1. WOW I get this so much. I know what is it to be extremely emotional, I am the same way. To be honest I hate it, I would love to shut it off too. Just to not feel for once to be like some people who don't feel as much as I do.

    Then I am reminded it is not a bad thing, at least we feel, we have huge warm hearts that care.

    Blessings friend