Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dear Blog-ary, Take 2

There was a post I wrote some time ago, about me writing in my blog on a daily basis, sort of like a diary, and then, I didn't do it.

So here's Take 2.

I just got home from work, and I had to do the job of 2 people last night, as there were only 2 of the crew there, counting me lol, and I think I must have touched every tile in the store at least once, what a night.....

The last few days I've been in some kind of a mood, it started about halfway through Saturday, and continued till about halfway through my shift last night, I think I was feeling lonely or something. One minute I was fine, cheerful even, and the next, I was down, and out of sorts. Not so much depressed or sad, just...down. It's definitely the time of year for it, but for it to come out of the blue like it did kinda took me off guard. There are still aspects of my emotional nature that I have yet to learn how to control, and that is one of them, learning to recognize my mood changes for what they are, and to not let them overwhelm me.

What are they? My mood changes to me are affected by a lot of things. One thing I find that has a particularly strong influence is the phase the moon is in, and also what sign of the zodiac it is passing through on that particular day. A full moon is another story altogether. Sometimes my mood is way up, other times it's way down, but you can bet if the moon is full I am going to be in a mood that fits either extreme. Another thing is physical factors, biochemistry to be exact. They say you are what you eat, so if I don't eat well for a few days things change in my body and can affect my mental state. Another thing is lack of sleep, or a constantly changing sleep schedule, both of which I put my body through on numerous occasions. One thing is clear, and that is, if I want to be in control of myself, body and soul, then I need to make sure I eat well, and get the proper rest. So I'm working on being more mindful of that in the future.

The other thing that is news in my life at the moment is my desire to learn to play the cello. Yup, you read that right, I want to learn to play the cello. I have no reason I can give other than I really enjoy the sound it makes, and for some reason I have this feeling that my life as a whole depends on me learning it. It's like a lust in my body, I can't stop thinking about it, and I hear cello music in my head all the time. If you've not heard the song "Secrets" by the group One Republic, then click the link there and you'll hear what's been playing in my head constantly since about a week ago when I first heard the song. What's even stranger than that, I was watching the movie "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" last night, and guess what song is the main "theme" song for that movie? Yeah, THAT one lol. I find it odd since until a week ago I had not heard the song at all, and then it just pops up out of nowhere while I'm watching a movie? Hmmm. What actually set off this desire was hearing their (One Republic's) song "All the Right Moves" last week, which in reality, you can only hear the cello right at the very end. Very strange. And then, just this morning, I'm driving home, and I saw a high school kid walking to school, and guess what he was carrying? Yup, a cello case. So either the universe is telling me it's time to learn the cello, or I'm just crazy. Personally I take it all as signs pointing me towards acquiring one and beginning to play it, so, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I found a good deal on one on Ebay, and next payday I intend to buy it. So stay tuned for more news on that as it develops.

I finally got my hobby knife set in the mail on Monday, even though on the CSN website it said the expected delivery date was November 26, which was last Friday. Now I don't fault anyone for this, since Thursday was a holiday, and so therefore all shipping was delayed at least a day, most likely two, because of the holiday. I ordered it the Tuesday right before Thanksgiving, so it getting here in 6 days was probably fast actually. Anyway, it's here now, and I love it, all I have to do is put it to use so I can review it here. That should be fun, I've never "officially" done a review of anything before, and I'm not really sure how to go about doing so. But we'll see how it goes.

Oh and on the divorce front: my wife texted me last night and told me she had a "business proposition" for me, and when I spoke to her on my lunch break, she would only say that it had to do with herself and the girls. What that means to me is that she plans to try to convince me it would be a financially prudent move to find a place and move back in together, so we can try to work things out and be a family. What she doesn't understand is that I don't want to work things out, we are not compatible romantically, and I'm done trying with her. She simply doesn't have the capacity to allow me to be "me", and to respect my opinions as valid. There's no going back now. It's over, and the sooner I can get a divorce, the better. I hate that the girls don't have their father around, but I'm still close, only an hour away, and I'm working towards a better life, one that does not include a control freak who has no ability to compromise. Staying together for the sake of the kids is never a good reason to keep maintaining an otherwise impossible relationship. I send her what money I can every payday to help out with the kids, but sooner or later she's going to have to accept that our marriage is over. In her mind however, having a failed marriage makes HER a failure, so she's hanging on for dear life. Nothing I can say or do will change her mind, until I serve her with the papers, and she can see for a fact that there is not going to be any more "us". I know I probably sound pretty cold hearted when I talk about her, but the fact is, this is my life, and I deserve to be happy in my relationships too. For 20 years I was not, and did nothing, but I finally wised up and realized nothing was going to change unless "I" did it. And yes, I do feel bad about hurting her feelings and causing turmoil for my children, but in the long run it will be best for everyone that we divorce. It's either that, or the kids hear their parents yelling at each other every single day because they do not agree, and in my opinion, that is NOT a healthy environment for children to grow up in. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. She cannot and will not allow me to be "ME", and no one deserves to live like that. So it's done.

Anyway, that's most of what's been up with me lately. I did have a pretty nice time on Thanksgiving being with my girls, the shrew was sociable, but she always does that when she's trying to butter me up, so that was no surprise. Later on this week my oldest daughter has a concert she is participating in with her choir, so I'm looking forward to seeing she and her sisters again real soon. One day when I have my own apartment I can have them come and stay with me, but until then I will have to settle for these brief and infrequent visits. They know Daddy still loves them, and they still love me, so for now things will have to do as they are.

Thanks for listening, and hopefully I will start posting daily again, I'm considering doing the "30 Days of Truth" blog posts that everyone has been doing around blogland. I'm thinking of doing them a little differently however, maybe, "30 Days of Perth", where I list the things I find most troublesome about me, the things I know I need to learn more about, or just maybe things that I feel passionate about, things that concern me about people and the world in general. Not sure yet what I'll do, but it's coming.

Have a great day everyone! :)

1 comment:

  1. Good for you!! As someone who had a similar experience with marriage/divorce, I can say that everything you're going through is completely 'normal'.. and you're doing the right thing! Congratulations on reaching this level of awareness and standing strong! Big hugs and lots of blessings to you!