I've been thinking again. It happens, on these nights when I'm up all alone, when everyone else is asleep. Thinking about where life is going, about how I'm changing, and how the world around me seems more different every day. I know it's just in how I'm seeing it, it's still the same old planet, rotating on its axis every 24 hours, just like it's been doing for over 4 billion years.
Something about ME is different. In the last 2 years I have been taken places I'd never thought I'd go, through the depths of my psyche, to the core of my soul. What I have learned is that I'm not just a man, I'm something more, much more, the whole of creation is part of me. I am part of a much greater whole.
But so is everyone else. Each of us here on this planet is on a journey, a journey of evolution, of change. We are working towards gaining experience, learning about what we are and where we are going, and ultimately transforming ourselves into the eternal energy from which we were sprung eons ago. Or was it just yesterday?
Time is a funny thing for energy, it can see beyond the linear, one moment does not just follow the next, in fact, all things happen all at once. In this great expanse of what we call the universe, literally anything is possible, everything is joined together, linked, everything that exists is part of everything else. One big energy machine, that's what it is, and in human form we have a unique ability to transform the energy of the universe in so many ways, just by thinking about it. Right now, as you read this, energy is being transformed in your mind, the words are forming thoughts, and those thoughts turn into ideas, and later on, those ideas will turn into actions. It's how everything is ever started. A thought is formed, from the energy stored in our brains, and from there, it grows and is changed over and over again, till finally it must be moved out of the brain, perhaps on to a piece of paper, or typed into a computer. It's then changed again, as what's on paper or in a computer file is created from the elements we find around us, whether it be paint, or wood, or steel, we create what it is we first thought of, we bring in into existence. That tiny spark of energy becomes something solid we can touch, and see, and even feel. Every piece of art, every thing that has ever been invented and built by human hands is really just a form of energy.
Our interactions with each other are no less energy. The things we say, the things we do, all start as the same energy in our brains. We find someone that we feel a connection to, the energy flows between us, we really "feel" that bond, and we call it love. Love is the greatest form of energy, for it gives us the ability to create our children, the greatest form of energy transformation of them all. The energy of two becomes one, and a child is created. We then care for that energy, nurture it, until it becomes an energy all its own, and the cycle repeats itself. Energy begets energy, though not multiplied, only transformed into something different.
As I approach the 40th year of this lifetime, I see a life that has been an exercise in dependency. I have always drawn energy from others, whether it be my parents, who raised me, to the military, who nurtured me into adulthood, and then later, from my wife, who took care of everything while I was going through some of the darkest times of my life. I have had friends who were there to stand by me and hold my hand, who always made me feel like I had someone to turn to, someone to give me the answers I sought, and never asked for anything in return.
The energy I created on my own, from my own thoughts, was usually transformed into wild emotions, and then of course to reckless action, oftentimes with disastrous consequences. But there was always someone there to pick up the pieces, and change that energy back into something useful, and life would go on. Dependency, that's really been the story of my life.
Now that I am older and wiser, and for the first time in this life I am living on my own, I have had time to think, and to create new ideas, ones that do not involve emotional foolishness. What surprises me though, is the swiftness of the changes as they've come. Sometimes literally in a moment. In my last post, I described a change in my thinking, and something I had learned. This is a continuation of that thought process, the energy is less chaotic now, it is beginning to show order.
When I described my image, as one who needed his hand held, what I was really talking about was dependency. And not just for emotional support. Everything in my life has been about the energy of someone else, with me drawing from them, and changing my actions to better align myself with their energy, all the while not creating any of my own. So dependent was I on this interaction, this exchange of energy, that I even altered my physical appearance to be more pleasing to that person. And it's ironic that most of the time, that person was female.
Maybe what the divine feminine card was showing me was that I don't need a female to draw energy from, I need to find that energy in myself, and use it to create the life I was meant to have. That giving aspect, the nurturing, mothering aspect of the divine feminine, instead of taking it from women, I should be using it to create a better life for those around me. The "need" for the attention of a woman has been a constant companion of mine, since I was a child, but only now do I see it for what it really is, a dependency for a transfer of energy that I should be finding in myself.
I have explained some of the thought, but not how those thoughts became actions. The thought changed in just a moment, in a conversation. Then other conversations made the thought grow, to evolve. More energy was transferred, but this time, it was different. It was not the same energy, it was changed, the emotions were different, and the need for that energy was diminished. A large part of the dependent link was severed, and my whole world changed. When every thought becomes your own, then the energy of your emotions is your own as well, and henceforth your actions too. My actions are now outwardly focused, I'm looking for how I can give energy to others, how I can make their lives better, without burdening them with MY issues, especially those I can take care of myself.
The damage dependency causes is not visible, but it is damage nonetheless. It is a drain on a person's mental resources, and in prolonged exposures, can even cause physical manifestations of the stress. Some of those I was dependent on were aware of it, but chose to endure it in order to protect me. They knew I was not ready to be let go, to be "weaned" so to speak, and for that I am grateful. So many have been hurt, I have caused a lot of damage in my day, and as I said, some were aware, but a great many others were not. To all of them now I would like to say I am sorry, it breaks my heart to know I have hurt you, I never meant to cause any of you any pain. However, I did, but now it is over, and will never happen again. I want to heal the damage, clean the wounds, and make amends, but for many who are no longer in my life, it is too late, and they will carry the scars till this life is over. And so will I.....
This life has been an incredible learning experience, and I only hope as I begin a new decade of my existence that I am able to make something wonderful from all the energy I've received as a dependent, and to repay those who gave it to me. A new chapter has begun, the book is continuing to be written. The journey is not over, there is still much to be done. It's ironic that in a week we will be celebrating Independence Day, and that since my birthday falls 2 days before, it has been a very important holiday in my life for as long as I can remember. This year it will mean something else to me however, I will remember it always as the year I myself became independent, at the ripe YOUNG age of 40.