Today was an interesting day.
I went on a date for the first time since..........well, EVER. I don't believe I've ever actually been on a date before, not a true "date" anyway. With the shrew, I was already going out with her by the time we went on a proper date, and at the time, we were already living in the same house. The date I went on today was with someone I have been speaking to online for a few months now, but had never met in person. So it was a little different experience.
We met at a lake park in Tallahassee, had ice cream, and just talked. It was fun, and I had a good time. I think we hit it off pretty well. We're going to go on another date sometime next week, haven't made plans as to where or what we'll do yet, but I look forward to it.
On my way home, I got another in an increasingly long line of phone calls from the shrew that I have not answered, and she left a very nasty voicemail. Right in the middle of town, while I was stuck in traffic, I listened to the message. Not the smartest idea. I was steaming all the way home.
You see, since I moved from Tennessee, I have not answered a single phone call from her. I have nothing to say to her. I texted her to let her know I was still alive, and safe, since she DOES deserve that much, but of course then she begins to demand I tell her where I am and basically goes into a bitch session about what I "should" be doing, and how it's all unfair, all in cryptic texts in between phone calls which she should know by now I will not answer. There's just no point.
Why should I have to listen to her scream and holler, acting as though I answer to her, especially when all she's doing is going over the same stuff over and over again?
Which brings me to my next point. I left the shrew, for, among other things, because I was tired of having to answer to her all the time because she acted like she was in charge of me somehow. So I have been mulling over it in my mind for a while now, long before I went on my date today. Why should I want to get into another relationship, that could inevitably turn into the same thing, having someone to answer to?
The truth is, I am not happy being alone, and by alone I mean not having someone I can call my own. But that feeling is clashing with the feeling of wanting and liking to BE alone. I've never known anything like it before, it's the oddest feeling. One that my date reiterated while we were talking today, much to my surprise, and even delight. She is going through the same thing *I* am.
I am at a place in my life where it seems patience is the best option to go with. I like the freedom of not being "attached", being able to do whatever I please. I don't really want a serious relationship right now. Many times before I have been very impatient when it came to relationships, solely because I didn't have enough self esteem or a sense of self worth. I wanted to dive right in to ANY relationship I could get myself in, and not look back, never really getting to know the person and finding out if they were the person I really wanted. I just was so not happy being alone, I'd attach myself to the first person who offered herself to me. I never really saw my ability to make my own choice, to choose the person that *I* wanted. I didn't feel good enough about myself to think I had that choice, I know that now.
It's different now though, and I find myself being a lot more logical about things. Thinking about the consequences. Thinking about what I will have to invest. Thinking that I am ok being alone, at the same time I crave companionship. Interesting conundrum. I think that there is much I can do, and much that I want to do, that means that for right now, I don't NEED a "mate". Even so, there's a lot to be said for having someone to come home to, and having someone to go to sleep with at night.
One day, someday, I will have that relationship that gives me the best of both worlds. One in which I can have my companionship, but that I can also say I can be myself, and not feel like I am answering to anyone.
There's something else. I have to say, being at home, I feel more comfortable than I have felt in a long time, and it's different. I go to sleep much earlier than I used to, I don't stay up till all hours feeling stressed out and looking for a way to relieve it. That, in and of itself, is something you can't put a price on. You don't know it can be this good till you have it. It's also giving me time to get my thoughts more organized, and gives me a sense of who I really am, and where I want to be in my life. Not a location "where", I've already got that, but where I want to be spiritually and mentally. I am not the man I was, and the man I am now is not driven by anyone else's ideas or thoughts.
I am a man alone. Alone, comfortable with myself, confident in myself, and aware of my own self worth. When someone comes along that measures up to the standards I've set, and I enjoy their company, then I may choose them to be my companion. I am a unique individual, and that person must be unique as well. I think everyone's ultimate goal is and should be what mine is. To be who I am, be myself, and be with someone who appreciates me for BEING who I am, no matter what that may be.
All it takes is patience to find them.