Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Universe Speaks to The Stag Warrior

Tonight is a different night yet again. Well of course it's different, it isn't the same night as last night, or tomorrow night. Tonight I figured out that I need to get in better condition, as the universe told me in the form of a 3 mile walk.

No, it wasn't car trouble. It was the shrew. She took the truck and left me in front of Walmart and told me to walk home. Which I proceeded to do. To make a long story short, wait, no, it's not a long story, I just don't feel like explaining all the details. I got in an argument with her about the dirty looks her coworkers gave me when I went to pick her up, and she decided it was time to go home, and we never even got in the store. I was out of the truck expecting to go walk in, and she got in the driver's side and told me to walk home. Ok so I brought some of it on myself, I should know better than to call her on talking about me in a negative light to her coworkers. She told me she does this by telling me on several occasions now that they can't believe she stays with me. The thing is, I have spoken to some of them, and they know I am not a lazy good for nothing bum, but apparently now, since she is talking so bad about me, they think I am.

Maybe it's true. I know everyone else seems to think so. I don't have a job, and have not had one for more than a year, so it MUST be true that I am a lazy bum. My concentration needs to be focused more on that, and nothing but that, if I truly want to find a job. I've got the inside track on a job at Lowe's, but there is no guarantee on that either, so I really need to get going doing something about this situation. All this time I've been here it's been a lot of talk. I bet you can go back to my very early posts (back on Journey of the Stag Warrior formerly known as Rayden's Rants) and find me talking of looking for a job. But that's all it's been. Talk. Yap yap yap yap. I'm going to find a job, I'm going to look for a job, I'm putting in apps, I'm working on getting a job. How many ways can I say it? I don't know, but I am fed up with being broke, with the ridicule, with the lack of respect for me being a human being, I have just had enough.

A lot of my time and effort are focused elsewhere, here on the internet. I am doing exceedingly well keeping up with facebook, and lately I have posted here in my blogs on a pretty regular basis, so why haven't I been so diligent with job hunting? The answer: I don't really want a job. I am comfortable with my existence. I must be. If I wasn't I would be out there every day knocking on doors, looking online, going to the career center, doing what it takes to find gainful employment. But I'm not. So I must conclude that I don't really want one that bad. How many of you out there wanted to say that to me at some point? How many sat reading my posts saying exactly what I just said up there? I have to conclude that it was quite a few, but you were all too nice to come out and say it to me.

The thing that galls me, that really gets my goat, is that I am not naive. I have been well aware of this fact for months now, literally. I knew I didn't want a job all that bad, but I kept telling myself that I did, and I was just holding out for the right one. Yeah right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt. Well before I start producing anal dwelling butt monkeys, I better get my act together, and do the responsible thing and go get myself a job. It's like I said before, I am not a victim of my circumstances, I have never felt that way. I made this bed, and now I have to lay in it. Sure the shrew could treat me better, but if I were in her shoes I honestly think I would be acting worse. How many of you could handle an out of work husband when all you have for a job is being a cashier in a grocery store that pays you maybe 8 bucks an hour? And then you have 5 kids to take care of to boot? Yeah I imagine your disposition would be just peachy. Sure. I know mine would not be. I would see me as a lazy good for nothing irresponsible douchebag and horrible father, and treat me as such, just like she is doing. I like to paint myself in a very positive light, and everyone buys into it, well at least to my face most of them do. But I am not stupid enough to think that behind my back they are not saying "what a lazy SOB".

I don't know, this whole thing is starting to sound very self deprecating, and I don't mean it that way, but the facts are facts. Anyone disagree? I think given all the evidence most would agree with me. Here's the deal. I am not a bad person for not having a job. I AM a bad person, or at least I am engaging in bad behavior, by not being more studious with my job hunting efforts. There, see, not so down on myself, just accepting reality. So while I could go on and on whining and complaining about how bad the shrew is to me, I am just going to accept that the universe has given me a heads up. Told me in no uncertain terms that I better get going and get myself ready to get a job, and go get it done. I felt this wakeup coming. I was aware of the energy poking at me, telling me something was about to happen. I realize now why I've been feeling that life had not returned to "normal". I am more aware of the energy around me, the volatility of life itself, and it has me unsettled. Not an easy feeling to explain, but nevertheless, it IS there. It is just a perception thing. I notice little things, stuff that I would have dismissed before as trivial or insignificant, but I know now that many of them are signs. My studies since I began my journey as a pagan have taught me that nothing is accidental, and even seemingly trivial things can forewarn of impending doom, or give hints as to action that needs to be taken, and I have chosen to pay attention.

Anyway the thing is, I need to get back in shape as it were, that walk hurt like hell, and it shouldn't have. I have been off of my feet for far too long now, and if I do in fact get a job soon I will need the ability to stand on my feet for extended periods, which I cannot do at the present moment. So you see, I am happy today that I got the message in whatever form it was delivered. I am now going to walk some distance daily, as I expect to get a phone call from the HR manager at Lowe's in a few days, and I would like to be able to have at least given myself a little bit of preparation by the time I start work should I get the call.

Well I think that's it for now. Thanks again for stopping by, I know I say that every time I post now, but I am genuinely thankful to anyone who darkens my doorstep here, it's nice to know someone cares enough to see how I'm doing. I'll talk to you soon!


  1. Ok.., hrm. I don't think you're lazy, but if there's more you can do to find employment, then by all means do it. That said, there's also only so much you CAN do, the rest is up to employers to hire you. I think even if you gave it 200%, you'd still be getting bitched at if it failed to see results. It's a bit give and take, as is every situation. I don't think you're lazy, but I can identify with the self-doubt that goes along with things right now, believe me. =P

  2. and constantly having somebody tell you what a loser you are really doesn't inspire one with the confidence to succeed... you start buying into it. I've been there before. Just remember it's NOT true, and then prove it.

  3. Ryan really summed up what I was going to say pretty well. If there's more you can do, then do it. But you aren't a bum. And you certainly don't deserve to be treated like that.

  4. I think you've been living with people who make you feel like a loser for so long that you're starting to believe them. Good luck with your job hunt Rayden. My dad worked at Lowes for a bit to bring in some extra money and he loved it there :)