Saturday, March 6, 2010

I moved

Hi folks! It's good to see you!

I moved out a couple of days ago. I'm now at my friend's house, sitting in my own room, my own personal space. I have no agenda, no schedule, no one to answer to. It feels good. I miss my girls. Such a mix of emotions. My only goal in life at this point is to find a job, and make some money to get them out of their grandma's house. It still feels weird, it was so bad the first day or so I could barely think, let alone write. Freedom is good, but also very intimidating. I've not been "on my own" since I was in the Navy, and that's been 20 years ago. Even then I wasn't really on my own, so this is really new to me. I feel like shit, and here I thought I would be happy. I mean on one hand I am, no one to tell me what to do, well other than my roommates, since it's their house, but overall my life is mine, for the first time ever. Hell of a thing to get to at the age of 38. I left my parents house at 18, and since then, I have not been alone, with no one else. I've discovered that I had taken it for granted that someone was there all the time. Being more or less alone now is very frightening. And I never even once considered that as a possible emotion I would feel when I left. I have to move past that however, and get on with life, otherwise I will never really start living. I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted, what I needed, in order to give my children the life they deserve. It just sucks that I can't be with them. I'm sure with time, my feelings will change, and I will be ok with all of this, but right now, things are still topsy turvy. I mean what do I do? I haven't the first clue as to what I can or should do. I always went off of what everyone else wanted. My wife, her schedule, what she wanted or needed me to do, and now that's gone. I have never felt so vulnerable. Hell I never even thought of using that word to describe myself, always seemed to me to be a bit weak. Well this crab (I'm a Cancer) has moved his shell, and now I must come out of it, or be lost inside it forever. Another day or so to "heal" and process, but then I'm going to get going, start with what I need to do, what I MUST do to be the father I am supposed to be, and support my children. I started a post on my journey blog, hopefully will get it done soon, so look for that.

Well that's all I can say at this point. Change continues for me, as it does for everyone. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to everyone again soon.


  1. WOW. Good for you. It seems so long since I took that step myself, and in some ways it was only yesterday. I remember the conflict between "Wow, this is so cool!" and "Oh my god, what the hell am I doing, what am I going to do?" It's a headfuck my friend.

    For me, I spent a lot of time outdoors, in the woods, sitting alongside the river, etc. This is when I really really really began connecting with Herne/Cernunnos. I would definitely recommend it. I also got to visit my kids every week, and ... well, I'd like to say that helped, but I was highly distant and neglectful at that time in my life.

    The best thing you can do at this time is feel. You ARE going to be vulnerable, don't fight it. Let it happen. Now is the time to just BE. There is no forgetting the past, because it is part of you. You can't ignore who you are. Instead, learn to accept it. Live the mundane life, and just be open to everything that comes your way. It took me 6 months to really grapple with the magnitude of it all. And it's something I am still learning to do every day. Being alone is hard, but it's good for you right now too. Enjoy the time, and keep on with the job hunt. The healing happens best when you're not actively forcing it.

    Good luck to you. *HUGS*

  2. Such a wonderful step -- however daunting. This is an opportunity for you to really get to know who you are and what you want for yourself. Like Ryan suggests . . . just be. By truly spending time with yourself, doing things that nurture your spirit, you will discover what you want and need.

  3. This is a giant step, and it's natural to be fearful, but one day you will look back on this as 'the first day of your new life". I'm pulling for ya. I not only mved out, but started over in another state many moons ago. It was a frghtening period, and I had so many questions on if I could succeed, but heck, here I am. Take this time to get to know yourself, who you really are. Only then will you be able to move onward to bigger and better things.