Hi folks! It's good to see you!
I moved out a couple of days ago. I'm now at my friend's house, sitting in my own room, my own personal space. I have no agenda, no schedule, no one to answer to. It feels good. I miss my girls. Such a mix of emotions. My only goal in life at this point is to find a job, and make some money to get them out of their grandma's house. It still feels weird, it was so bad the first day or so I could barely think, let alone write. Freedom is good, but also very intimidating. I've not been "on my own" since I was in the Navy, and that's been 20 years ago. Even then I wasn't really on my own, so this is really new to me. I feel like shit, and here I thought I would be happy. I mean on one hand I am, no one to tell me what to do, well other than my roommates, since it's their house, but overall my life is mine, for the first time ever. Hell of a thing to get to at the age of 38. I left my parents house at 18, and since then, I have not been alone, with no one else. I've discovered that I had taken it for granted that someone was there all the time. Being more or less alone now is very frightening. And I never even once considered that as a possible emotion I would feel when I left. I have to move past that however, and get on with life, otherwise I will never really start living. I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted, what I needed, in order to give my children the life they deserve. It just sucks that I can't be with them. I'm sure with time, my feelings will change, and I will be ok with all of this, but right now, things are still topsy turvy. I mean what do I do? I haven't the first clue as to what I can or should do. I always went off of what everyone else wanted. My wife, her schedule, what she wanted or needed me to do, and now that's gone. I have never felt so vulnerable. Hell I never even thought of using that word to describe myself, always seemed to me to be a bit weak. Well this crab (I'm a Cancer) has moved his shell, and now I must come out of it, or be lost inside it forever. Another day or so to "heal" and process, but then I'm going to get going, start with what I need to do, what I MUST do to be the father I am supposed to be, and support my children. I started a post on my journey blog, hopefully will get it done soon, so look for that.
Well that's all I can say at this point. Change continues for me, as it does for everyone. Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to everyone again soon.