Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Ties

Ok folks, it's time for me to come clean. There are things I want to talk about, or at least get out of my head, to process.

I didn't want to write about this, as I felt like this is a subject that few of my readers want to hear about, but I was convinced to write it anyway, so here it is.

I have been having a more difficult time with being alone, on my own, than I care to admit. I know it was the right thing to do, to leave the poisonous relationship I was in, and even though the shrew and I didn't see eye to eye, I still enjoyed having her companionship. See, I am a man who has always surrounded himself with women, and not for the reasons you might think, although surely that was part of it, after all, I AM a man, and I have the desires of a man. Maybe more than most, as my passions run very deep. That's something I ranted about in my other blog, that women were passing me over, and that's the reason why I did it, I have been without the company of a woman for some time now, and I am feeling the effects. They aren't passing me over right at the moment, I have had contact with very few, but the point is, all my life they have done so. Just because I am "sweet" and "loving" doesn't mean that my baser "animalistic" side is non existent. I just see no point in acting like a neaderthal, I'd rather show that I care, not that I just want sex.

Anyway, what I am saying is that the part I miss the most is having someone to come home to, having someone to hug, the physical contact is a very important part of it to me, even if it's not sexual in nature. I enjoy the closeness of another human being, a woman, and I don't feel lost without it or anything, I mean I'm not curled up in a corner sucking my thumb, but I am feeling a touch of loneliness, just from that.

I am not completely alone, after all I do live with friends, but still, it's not the same thing. There is no one here that is just "mine". I go to work every night, see the people I work with, chat them up real nice, hey, how are you, and so on, but there isn't a person when I get home that I can tell about my day, and like I said, to give me a hug, or even a back rub or whatever, incidentally a thing the shrew would NEVER bring herself to do.

I have even more amazing friends, ones that I chat with online every day, but again, it's just not the same thing. I feel them with me, in spirit, but I yearn for someone to really BE here to give me that hug, and kiss, and to have someone to hold at night. However, I have decided to cut off all the "want" vibes I've been sending out about this though, and just let the universe understand my desires and let things happen, because I DO have things to do other than worry about having a woman by my side. If it's in the cards, she will be revealed to me, and if not, then she won't, simple as that. Even so, it still hurts.

I am doing more thinking than feeling lately, and I think that now I need to take stock of my feelings inventory, find out what I feel I want, and then think of a plan to make it happen. I have been so egotistical for so long, and selfish, but for all the wrong reasons if that makes any sense. I was arrogant, thinking I knew things, or that I knew who I was, but that wasn't true. The man that is "Me" is finally beginning to assert himself, after all these years, and that man is not the person who you read about in a lot of the posts I have written before. I hope this is making sense to somebody, because I am leaving out a lot, but the gist of it is, no one but me can be "Me".

I had a lot of strings to cut, from family, friends, the shrew, and who knows who else. I have a different sort of thought process now, one much more focused, and less worried about how others think. I never realized it till very recently, a couple of days in fact, how deeply those clingy ties had gone, and how much I depended on them for my survival. I had to know that someone, somewhere, was thinking about me. Those clingy ties were a drain on certain people, and I have severed those, and so maybe that's why I have this sense of "loss". I don't feel all that different, but to find the words properly, I'd say that I feel badly for those I drained for so long, more than I feel bad for me. I have been a fool, just like the first card of the tarot, and maybe now I have begun to progress on the journey past that "fool" stage now, I don't know. But whatever it is, there is a sense of independence, you have your life, and I have mine. I am more appreciative of those who have found it to their liking to be a part of mine, which for me is a new feeling. I truly feel detached from others now, like never before, and that's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, as it was a more "attached at the waist" thing before, like siamese twins, very frustratingly annoying for the attachee, unbeknownst to me. I am truly grateful to those who feel I am worthy of their attention, I only hope to return the favor in kind. I never want to be that clingy child again, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart to all those throughout my life that I have done that to.

That's part of what I was missing, the part where I don't need all that attention. No one to hold my hand, no one HAS to be there all the time. My sister did that when I was very young, always holding my hand, guiding me around, and I never grew out of it, until now. So thank you again, to all of you who held my hand, this child has finally grown up.

I just want to say this in closing. I have only myself to blame for how my life has been, and how it is presently progressing, but I am still the same loving person I was. The difference is in my application of that love. The selfish reasons have slipped away, and now, to love someone feels better than ever, because the "strings" are no longer attached.

Thanks for listening, and have a great night!

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