I'm doing fine, no, actually, I'm doing better than ever.
It's been a few weeks, basically the time between paydays, since I've heard from my ex. I called to tell her what the number was for her moneygram I sent last payday, and I haven't heard a whisper from her since. No phone calls, no text messages, nothing. Well, until last night that is, when I took her mother, her mother's husband, and his sister in law and her two sons off of my facebook page. That prompted a phone call that I didn't answer. I refuse to get caught up in their drama and misery....
Since I moved out, and started a "new" life, I went through a few stages of ups and downs getting comfortable with the choice I had made, figuring out who I was, and settling into my new job. It's been good, I'm still learning some things about it, training, getting to know my coworkers, and I just got my 90 day evaluation the other day, which was a favorable one, they seem happy to have me, and look forward to the days that I work. It's a good feeling to feel needed on the job, to know that I am part of something. The guys are happy to have someone that wants to work and completes the tasks presented in the time allotted, and more importantly, to have someone who shows up for work on a regular basis. It seems that is a problem they've had, not having reliable employees who show up and actually do their job. So, the job goes well, and I'm happy to go every day I'm scheduled, it's a sense of accomplishment to get that gargantuan floor cleaned up and ready to go for the next day's business. I'm working towards getting put on a full time schedule, so I have also started requesting to work extra days, as I've been told that in order to get full time, you have to more or less "take" it, work the extra day each week so that the management can see you want to work the hours. So we'll see where that leads, and in the meantime, the extra money is good too.
The main reason I am writing this post is because of a comment Bella made to me just the other day. She said that for the first time in 39 years I am able to be my own man, do things "my" way. I just turned 39 back on the 2nd, and when she said that, I got to thinking back on my life "before".
The first 18 years, I was like most everyone else, and was living with my parents, under their rules, learning and growing up. Then when I graduated from high school, I joined the U. S. Navy, and was living under their rules and regulations. While I was still in the Navy, I met my ex, and more or less lived under her "rule" for the better part of the last 18 years. So Bella was right. Never have I lived on my own, truly by myself, with the ability to make plans and decisions solely of my own choosing.
So now, after going through a transition period of "OMG what is this, what have I done!", I'm really beginning to see what life is like, to find my way, and live a life free of fear. Because now that I look back on it, that's really what drove me before, what made me make the decisions I made, all through my life till now. Fear of being alone drove me to latch on to the ex when all she did was show me a little attention. Fear of losing my job used to be what motivated me to get out of bed and go to work in the morning, and I believe in reality what caused me to have a problem holding down a job for most of my life, well that, and all the drinking I did. Which is something else I had to get control of, or more aptly, to realize that I had a problem with. I made a choice to stay away from alcohol entirely, since when I do drink, I inevitably get drunk. I had to realize that I had no control whatsoever over my addiction to it, and that the best course of action was to avoid exposing myself to it. In other words, to not ever drink. Saying I was "in control" by only drinking occasionally was merely an illusion of control, the real control comes from not drinking to start with, because, when I start, I don't stop till I'm wasted.
But I digress. I took a look back on my life and saw that fear was a motivating factor in just about everything I had ever done, and now I've learned to not be afraid to be who I want to be, to be me. In realizing that fact, and getting rid of all the fear I had, my life is transforming into something that I can finally say that I'm proud of. Not the boastful "hey look at me, and what I did" kind of proud, but the inner pride that says "I feel good, I'm glad to be me". Fear can take so many forms, and I believe in this lifetime I planned for learning the lessons in how to overcome fear, to learn that nothing good comes from always being motivated in that way.
I really wanted to write this to try to explain the feeling of freedom I have now, to express what a joy it is to wake up knowing I have the ability to make each day what I want it to be. Because it is really mostly one's attitude towards life that makes it good or bad, not what happens. One of my favorite sayings comes from the movie "Bruce Almighty", where "God" in the form of Morgan Freeman tells "Bruce" (Jim Carrey) that "Some of the happiest people in the world go home every day smelling to high heaven". Well, that might not be an exact quote, but the idea is that how you see what happens to you, the attitude you have, makes all the difference in the world. You need not fear for anything, or be afraid of anyone, nor have an attitude of melancholy just because you don't have much in the way of material things. And that's the way I look at life, I'm not afraid, I get up and do what I need to do without seeing only the bad.
What goes along with that is choosing who I decide to interact with, who I choose to walk this path with me. I've got to say, that in and of itself has been the one thing I think I paid the least attention to in my former existence, choosing my friends. Being myself also includes deciding for myself who I associate with, and that does not include every bleeding heart out there who is starving for attention. They only breed drama and misery, and I choose not to be a part of that anymore. Sure, I'll help out if the situation calls for it, but if I don't feel that it's in my best interest to make you my friend, then I won't go around like before and feel guilty about it. That was another fear, the fear that I'd made someone feel bad. But the thing is, I need to do what's best for me first, and then choose carefully what I do to make others' lives better.
THAT is what I never saw before, THAT was what my whole life before was missing. I was so fearful of what other people thought of me, and how other people felt about interacting with me, that I never stopped to think, "Hey, do I really want to be here?" or "Do I really want to be friends with this person?" There's nothing wrong with choosing not to associate with someone, especially if that someone happens to do nothing but drain you emotionally. I just don't want to be a part of that, let someone else deal with the bleeding hearts. You know the types I'm talking about, those that want to drag everyone into their own personal misery, and who, no matter what, have GOT to have someone to dump on. Sure, I'm sorry to hear you're having problems, but I'm not about to become involved in them. I also don't want to be your one and only, do like I did, get a grip on yourself, and don't latch on to me just because I gave you a little attention. I actually had this happen at work recently, a woman who thought I was her new boyfriend because I showed her a little kindness when everyone else was ignoring her, but now I see why they were. Let's just say I nipped that one in the bud pretty quickly.
Anyway, folks, this is getting pretty long, and I need to go get ready for another night at work, so I'll close for now. I just wanted to update you on how things are going for me, and to say that I hope everyone had a good 4th of July celebration. Other than Christmas, I'd have to say it's my favorite holiday. But, that's because my birthday is 2 days before, so for me, it's like from the 2nd to the 4th is one BIG holiday lol.
Hope everyone is doing well, and I'll talk to you soon!