Saturday, December 4, 2010

30 Days of Truth, Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for......

The truth? I've been thinking a lot about this one, for several days, even though I said I would post these without thinking about them before hand.

I really don't know. I don't know what I need to forgive myself for. I've been tossing around some ideas, but nothing comes to the forefront, but then I think that's what this is about. There's a lot of things I've buried deep inside, things that I don't want to face, things that make me feel like I'm less than everyone else. And maybe that's what I need to forgive myself for, for being so hard on myself. I've had a problem for most of my life, for probably as long as I can remember, I compare myself to everyone else, and always find myself to be inferior in one way or another. I compare my looks, I compare my life, my situation, even day to day activities. It's pretty intense, and at times it becomes all encompassing, feeding feelings of jealousy and then it wreaks havoc on my self esteem. I want so bad to be like other people, to have a life like they do, or to be like them. I can't explain the rush of fear I get when I see that there's something I may have missed out on, or I perceive a problem with something about my life when compared to someone else's. It all boils down to what I think others perceive about me, how they see me, and what's going on in my life. While I have made a lot of progress in the area of self image, there are still deep seeded thoughts of inadequacy that cause me to worry that what I look like, what I'm feeling, or what I'm doing aren't good enough for someone else. I've learned that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, and that I'm fine just the way I am, but that little voice in my head still likes to tell me that somehow I'm flawed, and that people won't or don't like me because of it. Every little thing, every nuance of behavior, that's the stuff that really gets me worried. I ask myself how people will take what I say and do, so instead of thinking and saying what "I" want to say, I filter my reactions and responses to those that I think will be most socially acceptable, I actually try to think with other people's brains instead of my own.

So, what this boils down to is that I need to forgive myself for being so judgmental, and for comparing myself so harshly. There's no need to make comparisons. Making comparisons all my life has caused me to have a constant need for validation, I want to know that people like who I am and the things that I do. The truth is, the only person who HAS to like me is ME. What's ironic about it is that when "I" like me, then others will see that, and they'll like me too. That takes NO intervention on my part whatsoever, all I have to do is to be ME, so in fact, I have little or nothing to be worried about.

So, Self, you're forgiven. I know how hard it is to realize that you don't need validation, and you're fine just the way you are. All those years you compared yourself to others, and at times still do, all the pain you cause yourself, it's ok, all of this is part of the learning process, and you'll come out of it more complete, you'll be more "whole". So don't beat yourself up so bad, there's nothing wrong with you, and it's ok to feel these things, how else do you think you will grow? Give yourself time, because growth is a slow process, it doesn't happen overnight.

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