Yes folks, this is my 100th post on this blog! I started it back in January of 2010, and in order to "celebrate" my 100th post, I want to go back and make a few references to some things I said in what is in effect my first post. The post that says "Hey, I started a blog" in my mind doesn't count as a "real" post lol.
In that first post I made mention of the realization that I had never lived on my own. My exact words were "... I realized that in 38 years of life, I have never lived on my own. Never had my own place, never had only myself to depend on for my daily needs. You know, food, clean clothes, waking up on time, that sort of stuff. Never had to do that all completely on my own. That is a sobering thought. And a very exciting one. I think I would like the single life."
Well, it's been over a year now since I moved out on my own. I could not have known when I wrote those words, back in January of last year, about what would happen in the next few months which led to where I am today. I am now and have been living the "single life", providing for myself in every aspect, including food, having clean clothes, and yes, waking up on time. So far it has gone very well, and yes, I *do* like it. The chaos that surrounded me back then did not give me adequate time or even the ability to really think about what I wanted, or where I wanted to be, and now, I am a completely different person because of having that ability *and* time. I can also say there is nothing I miss about the life I had back then, and I would never go back to it. I like being my own boss, not having anyone to "answer" to, I mean sure, I have to answer to my employer, but that's completely different. The managers at work are concerned with getting the job at hand done, not at micromanaging MY life, which is the situation I was in with my wife. It feels so good to not have that now.
Now I am free to do whatever it is I decide to put my mind to, whatever it is I decide to focus on. A year ago that thought would have been alien to me, I was so chained to "her" mentally that my thoughts always began with how *she* would react to my decisions, how would *she* gripe and bitch at me if I do this, or *not* do that? But now, things are different. After almost 20 years of having that mindset, I finally have my own mind, and while every once in a while, in dealing with her, those same sorts of thoughts creep up, most of the time, I think with my OWN mind, regardless of how she might react.
The reason I am mentioning this at all is because for the better part of the last year, I was going through the process of shedding that "old" me, the one that was afraid of what she might do if I did not do her bidding. Yes, I was afraid of her. I'll admit it. I was deathly afraid of what she would do, because I had (in my own mind) given her control over everything I did, and even what I thought. So therefore, I felt that if I didn't do what she said, that there was some sort of awful thing that she could do to me, and the thought was there all the time. I never thought for myself, never said, "Hey me, I don't like this, I want to stop doing this!" Every thought and every action hinged on what she would say or think about it.
There was another reason, an underlying reason, for my "fear" of her. It was the fear of abandonment, the same one that got me with her to start with. I latched on to her when I was feeling the "need" to have someone love me, as I have documented before, due to my affection issues with my mother. I had it in my mind that even though she was not always nice, she was at least a lot more affectionate towards me than my mother had been. Granted, consciously I did not see her as a "mother", but I think in a lot of ways, subconsciously, I did. So to not keep her satisfied would mean I would lose the person who was filling that motherly role, and I believe that was why I had the "fear" of her being upset or angry.
I don't know if all that is absolutely true, I'm not a psychologist, but I do know that my thoughts now tell me that it's at least partially true, and it's the reason I did not get up and leave a lot sooner. I was dependent. Plain and simple.
Today is my 100th post, and today I am a celebrating it by being ME, by thinking with my own thoughts, and making decisions based on my own wishes. Last year is gone, done, over with. Today is May 28, 2011, and today I can say I am happy being single.