Thursday, May 26, 2011

What a mess.....

Here I was, thinking that everything was going well, and then, BAM!

I got a notice in the mail just 2 days before payday that there would be a garnishment taken out of my pay, for a medical bill my ex incurred 6 or 7 years ago. Since I am still legally married to her, I guess this means that it is *my* responsibility to pay it, even though the original bill was in her name only. It completely sucks, and I'm taking steps to get the garnishment stopped, because this paycheck was exactly 170 dollars and 25 cents less than normal, and it will be difficult to survive on what's left. Well, not *very* difficult, but I would rather not have "lost" that money. If the hospital wants their money, I can understand that, she needed emergency hernia surgery and did not have medical insurance, so they then billed her later for doing it. But I'll be damned if they are going to take 25% of my paychecks to get their payment.

The kicker is, my ex was more pissed off about it than I was, but of course that's just because she knows it means I will be sending her less money if the garnishment continues. 

So anyway, I am going to be on the phone today, trying to work this out...........funny how things turn around in such a short time. There I was, pretty well enjoying life, not feeling much in the way of any emotion, but now, I've felt plenty. Anger obviously, because this is *still* an issue after 7 years. I'm upset, because they hit me where it hurts, in my wallet. I had thought that I was incapable of feeling anything there for a while, in part because I had not allowed myself to become upset or angry about anything that was going on. But, I guess I didn't feel anything because nothing had happened to elicit any strong emotions. I mean, everything that happens happens exactly the way it's supposed to, right? That's what I assume, so what's the point in getting all riled up about it?

I'll tell you what the point is. You're not supposed to go through life just letting things happen to you, because it's the way it's "supposed" to happen, and never feeling or doing anything about it. You're supposed to *live* your life, not be an observer, which is what you are if you do not "react" to what happens, you are inactive, just watching life go by. A friend told me yesterday that I need to be proactive, and she's right. The only way anyone is proactive however is when they feel strongly enough about something that they choose to take action, and I believe this is what this experience is meant to teach me. Don't feel, don't do, just sit and watch, and things will happen *to* you. But get up and do something, be proactive, and things will happen *for* you. Two completely different things. 

I have made it my goal to control my emotions in recent months, but I believe in doing so I have gone too far in the opposite direction, in other words, I've chosen not to feel *anything*, rather than risk going "overboard" with whatever emotion I might have been feeling at the moment. I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as going "overboard", or rather, letting the emotion run too high. Should it not be more like letting myself feel the emotion as I really "want" to, but remembering to not let it overwhelm me, so that I make rash or not well thought out decisions? Yes, I think so. I have had that problem in the past, letting my emotions make my decisions, rather than calming myself and thinking logically about the problem at hand.

I have never been much of a proactive person, and I think the only times I have been are when I was upset or angry about the situation at hand, and then, wow, did I get a lot done. Especially when I was really really angry about something, then there's no stopping me. Why can't I be like that when I'm *not* furiously angry? I would be so much further along in life if I was. I would have a job that pays better, I would be in my chosen career (working on computers), and I would probably not be sitting here in a house where I can't cook even a simple meal without hearing about it from my roommate. But no, I just let life pass me by, because for one reason or another I do not feel strongly enough about anything to be proactive and get something done. That's the bottom line.

As the saying goes, "If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it." That's not been me.

So much has been made of people who are "successful" in life, but how did they get there? Not by sitting and watching as others got promoted, or bought a house, or got that degree, no, they went out and did something, because they wanted it bad enough to make it happen. And want is an emotion, or rather, is a natural instinct that is closely tied to emotions. When a desire or "want" is strong enough, then you are compelled to fulfill that desire with very strong emotions. 

So maybe this situation is meant to teach me that my problem is not in the emotions I'm feeling, but more in how bad I "want" things for my life. I'm usually content with very little, not "wanting" much, which isn't a bad thing, but maybe I'm a little *too* content. Content to let life pass me by because I never get up and get anything done, since my emotions don't allow me to feel as though I really need or want something.

I have had numerous experiences in this lifetime that should have taught me this lesson, as a matter of fact, I believe I have mentioned some of them here in my blog before. I sincerely hope this is the last time this life will attempt to teach me this lesson. Only time will tell if I have learned it. It has been a cyclical thing with me, for a few days I am all full of vigor, ready to tackle anything, and then I go back to being content, and let life pass me by. Let us hope that this time is different. One key point is the "vigor" part of it. I can't obviously keep a high level of emotion all the time, to try and motivate myself to do things, no, rather, I feel I should just lower my level of contentment, to one that is *not* happy with how things are at the moment, and therefore I will be motivated naturally to take action. That's all it will take. Find a want or desire, and inject a little more want and desire into it, and presto, new motivation. If I truly want to have a better life, then I have to really want it, or it isn't going to happen, end of story.

Sure, everything that happens just as it should, but if there isn't any motivation, what happens will be nothing, and you will not have a life at all.

Sure sucks that I had to lose a quarter of a paycheck to figure that out.

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