Last night, before I got ready to go to work, I had a sort of epiphany. Not the kind when you are contemplating a deep subject, or complicated decision, and you happen upon the answer, no, this was a sort of "click" in my head, something that said, "Hey, dude, this is stupid! You need to get out there and get going with your life!" I have all ideas it was one of my spirit guides, vocally telling me it was time to take action.
To that end I have decided to "put myself out there", here in "blogland" and on Facebook, specifically, in commenting on your blog posts, statuses, and even sending some of you emails, if you have your email address posted. I have a strong desire to make a change, to make new connections, because I feel that it's time for the next chapter in my life to begin. I've felt like this before, but this time is different.
I've been through a pretty huge upheaval in just about every aspect of my life over the last year, both in my everyday life, as well as personally, internally. I've learned a lot, especially about who I am. I've learned first and foremost to be careful with my emotions, and to be able to recognize and discern what emotions I am feeling, especially those that on the surface appear to be something they are not. It has been a problem for me, recently and in years past, thinking that I was feeling love for someone when in fact it was only a sexual attraction or even infatuation, as in the case of my ex. Never before have I felt like I do now, it's a feeling of having been through a "schooling", of having been through experiences that have taught me the true nature of emotions. I spent a large portion of my life living through my ego, needing a woman there all the time telling me they love me, and enjoying the outpouring of affection towards me, all the while not feeling any TRUE feelings of affection of my own. There WERE feelings, but none like that of a man truly "in love". This can all be traced back to a problem I had with my mother, or, to put it more aptly, my perceptions of how she doled out her affection, or the lack thereof.
The truth of the matter is, I am very selective when it comes to doling out my own affections, and it takes a lot for me to really feel true love for a person. I think everyone is like that. We "like" a lot of people, we even "love" a few (not including family, that's a different kind of love entirely). The love can be very deep, but not be romantic in nature at all. Romantic love is something I think we only ever truly feel with a select few people. In my opinion, that's what makes it special. It's not something you can just jump into, I mean sure, I suppose it happens on occasion, but to really love someone that way I think it requires a bit more, something akin to a "learning" period, where you each start out as friends. Attracted to each other physically, sure, but that's really just the beginning. I think a lot of men fall into that trap, thinking with "the wrong head". But there are so many other factors. And each of those factors is unique to each couple. You have to have similar interests, and really enjoy each other's company, and be able to understand that you WILL have differences. The key to a healthy relationship is to be able to love the other person in such a way though that those differences don't matter to you. You are are happy to let them be who they are, while they let you be who YOU are, without feeling like you have to compromise yourself to maintain the relationship. I ran into that one in a BIG way with my ex. I do feel that people who are truly in love have a deep, spiritual connection, one that oftentimes spans the ages. In other words, this lifetime is not their first one together, nor will it be their last. Such is the case with those that "know" each other even before they ever really start talking. But that describes a LOT of romances, now doesn't it? You make that "connection", you look into each other's eyes for the first time, and you just KNOW they are the one. For any relationship of this nature though, it still takes a bit more work. And that's what I'm talking about. I think in order to have a real "true love" relationship, it takes time, and even more importantly, honesty, by both parties. And I'm not only talking about to each other, I mean to each of them themselves. THIS my friends, is where I had the problem.
I had never once been completely honest with myself, or even been aware that I was not. I had taught myself at an early age that I desperately "needed" to have a woman by my side, expressing her affection for me, and "doting" on me, making me feel "wanted" and having me as her "one and only"; these were the words in my head, even if I didn't acknowledge it. But then past all that, there was the real me, the one who didn't need that at all, and actually, rather disliked the "clingy" feeling of it. The person I really was, and still am, would rather have a woman who first connects with me on an intellectual level, one who is practical, logical, and here's the kicker: one who is not very emotional at all. Meaning, not much in the way of outward expression of emotions. I am the kind of person who, while my astrological chart would say otherwise, is a very UNemotional person, and I like being around those who are as well. (For those who don't already know, I am a Cancer, with a moon in Scorpio and a rising sign of Pisces. All 3 water signs rolled into one. Usually a recipe for a VERY emotional person.) That's not to say I don't FEEL emotions, it's just that I'm not outwardly emotional at all. A fact that several of my coworkers have commented on. They've said things like "You always seem to be so levelheaded, so calm, nothing gets you riled up", and things of that nature. And in the course of my everyday life, that holds true, for almost any situation. I don't let things get to me, I don't get upset about much, and I don't go overboard with ANY emotion, be it anger, love, sadness, anything. And here's the OTHER kicker: just about every time in my life that I HAVE gotten overly emotional, and fallen "in love" with someone, it's been because of my ego's attempt to fill the "void" left by my mother. But not once has it been true love.
I'm sorry to say that it's happened to me on at least 3 separate occasions, and each time, when I realized what I was doing, I ended the relationship. There is no excuse for what I did to each of those women, breaking their hearts like I did, because all 3 were very much in love with me, and I feel very very bad about that. I never intended to hurt any of them, but the truth is, I did, and for that I am truly sorry. But I could not go on in a relationship in which I was not being honest, either with myself or with the one involved. I cannot live a lie. On the same token, however, I am grateful to them for being here in this lifetime to help me learn my lesson.
So you see folks, as the next chapter of my life begins, I feel I have learned my lesson finally, and the next time a romantic relationship presents itself, I intend to act according to my honest intentions, and not feed my ego, which, while under control, will still be a part of me. Everyone has one, no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. These bodies, we in our physical forms, I believe in essence "creates" the ego. Or, it is nurtured in us as children, I'm not sure which. I'll have to study it further. As far as I understand it, it's our initial sense of "self", our initial senses as to what we "need" and "want", and we are driven to feed those desires at all costs. As adults, many of us continue to feed the ego in the same way we did as children. Or not. Like I said, I'll have to investigate further. Here's the thing though. I don't really want to. I'm on a different "quest" at the moment, and that is to live life, to have more experiences, to learn the lessons I came here to learn.
One of the things I have a strong desire to do in this next chapter of my life I mentioned at the top of this post, namely, putting myself "out there", but I didn't mention the reasons why. I want to connect with other pagans like me, I want to know what your experiences are, spiritually, I want to know how you see yourself outside of your ego and physical self. Do you believe this is your only life, or do you believe, like me, that you've had many lifetimes? Do you worship a god or goddess, or do you believe as I do, and not see them as "deities", but rather companions, here to help you on your journey? If you did not grow up as a pagan, how has your life changed since you "converted"? Do you feel differently about the "other side"? These are a few of the questions I intend to ask, and I also hope to make some new friends, ones that I converse with regularly, this is a time for me to network. I have a strong feeling that a few of you out there are needed in my life at the moment, and likewise I for you. I look forward to meeting you, and talking with you soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I hope you have a great day.