Priorities

After a talk with my best friend, and then a talk with the ex a few hours later, I have come to a conclusion, and that is that I need to get my priorities straight.

I have been trying to reach out to people, females in particular, since I left my wife. Not always with romance in mind, but I have done so to try to fulfill a need to be loved. I have been looking for love from others, before finding it in myself, and that's not how it works. I have to be happy with myself, love myself first, before I can love anyone else and make them happy.

This journey I'm on is taking me on a path of self discovery, to find my true self.  To not see things through the eyes of anyone else. That's the way I've been seeing things my entire life, looking to others to decide who I am, what I should be. That's what has to change.

I intend to accomplish this finding of myself by concentrating on my work, earning my living, and when I'm not at work, concentrating on improving myself, meditating, reading, learning, not chasing after women. This "need" for the company of a woman is not a necessity or a priority right now, not until I am whole in myself. This I believe is why I am here, in this situation, to learn who I really am, to become whole.

So I have a new goal. Today I start to find myself. I'll be here from time to time to write about it.

I hope everyone has a great day.

Finding a purpose

Hi folks, how is your day going?

I want to talk about something I haven't talked about before, and that's the reason I'm here. Not me, the physical body, but my soul, what it is I am here to do this lifetime, what it is my soul decided to experience this lifetime. I firmly believe that our souls, or who we are, have been around for much longer than this particular existence. This time around, my soul decided it would be a good idea to experience the full gamut of emotions, making me be born with a Cancer sun sign, a Scorpio moon sign, and a Pisces rising sign. That's got to be the only explanation, to experience emotions, in their full capacity. Having discovered that, and accepting it, and realizing that I am indeed emotional, I got to thinking, does that make me incapable of thinking or feeling like "everyone else"? I think not. What it DOES do, however, is give me the capability to sense, feel, and "see" emotion, wherever it may be.

The thing is, I feel things, I feel how people feel, no matter how they show outwardly, whether it be in person, on the phone, or on the online chat, this is what I do. This is my "gift". I feel things, and I feel what other people feel, and even what they think, since thoughts are tied to emotions. Being a psychic or an empath like myself has it's pros and cons. You just "know" things. Even with those who think they are "shielded". I know how they are feeling automatically, much to their chagrin. Then there's my life experience. I'm almost 40. I have known a lot of "someones" in my lifetime, so I have learned how people in general are going to think or feel. I've seen a lot in my time, but the thing I can see the most, the thing that really tells me why we are all here, is that no ONE person can experience it all in ONE lifetime. Therefore, it takes a lot of someones to experience everything, a lot of people in different situations, and at some point, and this is just a guess, everything will be known, and we can complete this. 

What I have found out in my present life experience, is that people are pretty much going to be the same in the way they think, and the way they feel. This means that someone like me, in feeling and sensing emotion, that I have found that there are certain trends to be seen, and no matter what the person, in the same situation, they will tend to feel and act a certain way. I pride myself in being able to understand the human condition, because having the chart that I do, it enables me to "see" things like no other human. Arrogant you say? Presumptuous? Yes, maybe it is, but what if it's true? I can feel, understand, and think, and know what people will do. I just know it in my bones, my very being, I know how people are feeling. Does that make it wrong? I don't think so.

I reconnected with a person I love more than life itself about a year ago. This person was put back into my life after 13 years to do what no one else could do, literally. No one else could have done it, because the love I have for them wasn't there for anyone else. I cannot stress this enough, because if it were not for the emotions I have for them, I would not be where I am today. If it was not this person, I would not have cared, I would not have learned. I think this is true for anyone. You can't really learn life lessons from someone who you do not care about. This person taught me how to contain my emotions and think with logic. They lovingly guided me through a serious bout with my ego, leveled me through the self doubt and troubles with "power" issues, and still, through it all, was my constant companion and confidant. I would not have learned any of these lessons if it had not been for that person being there to teach them to me. The thing about it is, I believe I was put back into this person's life for a similar reason, I believe the love they have for me is the same, and I am confident that the lessons that they learned were learned in similar ways for similar reasons. Isn't life as a human ironic?

Then I thought, why not do that for others? Why should they be any different? They are just like me, let's all learn together...

Now I have a sense of connection, one of watching for signs of how to reach out to others, seeing and finding ways to be of assistance, to help people become the beings they truly are. No one is more or less, only at a different stage of development, a different stage of "awareness". Someday we will all see each other as the same, only at different stages, and we'll all help each other become what we can ALL become.

I am here for a reason, just like you. Let's make the best of our lives by making it the best for others.

The Ties

Ok folks, it's time for me to come clean. There are things I want to talk about, or at least get out of my head, to process.

I didn't want to write about this, as I felt like this is a subject that few of my readers want to hear about, but I was convinced to write it anyway, so here it is.

I have been having a more difficult time with being alone, on my own, than I care to admit. I know it was the right thing to do, to leave the poisonous relationship I was in, and even though the shrew and I didn't see eye to eye, I still enjoyed having her companionship. See, I am a man who has always surrounded himself with women, and not for the reasons you might think, although surely that was part of it, after all, I AM a man, and I have the desires of a man. Maybe more than most, as my passions run very deep. That's something I ranted about in my other blog, that women were passing me over, and that's the reason why I did it, I have been without the company of a woman for some time now, and I am feeling the effects. They aren't passing me over right at the moment, I have had contact with very few, but the point is, all my life they have done so. Just because I am "sweet" and "loving" doesn't mean that my baser "animalistic" side is non existent. I just see no point in acting like a neaderthal, I'd rather show that I care, not that I just want sex.

Anyway, what I am saying is that the part I miss the most is having someone to come home to, having someone to hug, the physical contact is a very important part of it to me, even if it's not sexual in nature. I enjoy the closeness of another human being, a woman, and I don't feel lost without it or anything, I mean I'm not curled up in a corner sucking my thumb, but I am feeling a touch of loneliness, just from that.

I am not completely alone, after all I do live with friends, but still, it's not the same thing. There is no one here that is just "mine". I go to work every night, see the people I work with, chat them up real nice, hey, how are you, and so on, but there isn't a person when I get home that I can tell about my day, and like I said, to give me a hug, or even a back rub or whatever, incidentally a thing the shrew would NEVER bring herself to do.

I have even more amazing friends, ones that I chat with online every day, but again, it's just not the same thing. I feel them with me, in spirit, but I yearn for someone to really BE here to give me that hug, and kiss, and to have someone to hold at night. However, I have decided to cut off all the "want" vibes I've been sending out about this though, and just let the universe understand my desires and let things happen, because I DO have things to do other than worry about having a woman by my side. If it's in the cards, she will be revealed to me, and if not, then she won't, simple as that. Even so, it still hurts.

I am doing more thinking than feeling lately, and I think that now I need to take stock of my feelings inventory, find out what I feel I want, and then think of a plan to make it happen. I have been so egotistical for so long, and selfish, but for all the wrong reasons if that makes any sense. I was arrogant, thinking I knew things, or that I knew who I was, but that wasn't true. The man that is "Me" is finally beginning to assert himself, after all these years, and that man is not the person who you read about in a lot of the posts I have written before. I hope this is making sense to somebody, because I am leaving out a lot, but the gist of it is, no one but me can be "Me".

I had a lot of strings to cut, from family, friends, the shrew, and who knows who else. I have a different sort of thought process now, one much more focused, and less worried about how others think. I never realized it till very recently, a couple of days in fact, how deeply those clingy ties had gone, and how much I depended on them for my survival. I had to know that someone, somewhere, was thinking about me. Those clingy ties were a drain on certain people, and I have severed those, and so maybe that's why I have this sense of "loss". I don't feel all that different, but to find the words properly, I'd say that I feel badly for those I drained for so long, more than I feel bad for me. I have been a fool, just like the first card of the tarot, and maybe now I have begun to progress on the journey past that "fool" stage now, I don't know. But whatever it is, there is a sense of independence, you have your life, and I have mine. I am more appreciative of those who have found it to their liking to be a part of mine, which for me is a new feeling. I truly feel detached from others now, like never before, and that's not a bad thing, it's a good thing, as it was a more "attached at the waist" thing before, like siamese twins, very frustratingly annoying for the attachee, unbeknownst to me. I am truly grateful to those who feel I am worthy of their attention, I only hope to return the favor in kind. I never want to be that clingy child again, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart to all those throughout my life that I have done that to.

That's part of what I was missing, the part where I don't need all that attention. No one to hold my hand, no one HAS to be there all the time. My sister did that when I was very young, always holding my hand, guiding me around, and I never grew out of it, until now. So thank you again, to all of you who held my hand, this child has finally grown up.

I just want to say this in closing. I have only myself to blame for how my life has been, and how it is presently progressing, but I am still the same loving person I was. The difference is in my application of that love. The selfish reasons have slipped away, and now, to love someone feels better than ever, because the "strings" are no longer attached.

Thanks for listening, and have a great night!

The Job

I started my new job today. I had a day of orientation and training that started at 8 a.m., and ended at 4:30 p.m., a whole day's work! I get to do it again tomorrow, and then after that, I'll most likely start my night shift of 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. on Monday night. It has finally started to sink in, that I am gainfully employed. So many months of waiting, with no phone calls, so many frustrating months with no income are finally over. Now I must set myself to the task of getting on the schedule I need to be on, to get the proper amount of rest, and to learn all I can about the job and do it to the best of my ability. I'll be hashing things out logistically for a couple of weeks I'm sure, so once I get started doing the actual job I'll be back with a report. For now folks, I hope that each of you who is having a great day, and I'll see you soon!

A job! Finally!

Anyone who hasn't read my Journey blog yet? If not, then here's the skinny. I got a job! It's an overnight maintenance job at Walmart. Cleaning the store, the parking lot, the bathrooms, not a bad job. There's still things pending with the helpdesk job, and there's a chance I could still get a call from Advance, but for now, I am proud to say that I'm gainfully employed. Check with you later with more! Oh and if you aren't a follower of my Journey blog, here's the link. Journey of the Stag Warrior