A Prayer

My Lord and Lady, I come to you this morning a child, at the beginning, today I walk a different path.

Help me to see who you are, to grow, to change, to learn.

Be with me as I go through my day, and give me the strength to stand on my own and begin this journey on the right foot.

Help me as I have many fears and anxieties, I have never done anything on my own, but this is my journey, and I must take it alone.

Help me to see the the sanctity of your nature, and as your child, the sanctity in me as well.

Grant me if you will the ability to control my emotional nature, and my tendency to hide my fears and doubts with my arrogance and my laziness.

I am at the beginning, I am ignorant, and as such will make many mistakes, but help me to see that without mistakes, I could not grow or learn, and help me to not get bogged down in self doubt and misery, as it is my tendency to do so.

I come to you today with my heart and mind in a different place, I am unsure, and filled with sadness over the way I have perceived you, how I have treated you, please help me to conquer those fears, and replace my sadness with the joy of knowing I am embarking on a journey that will lead to spiritual enlightenment.

Help me to feel your unconditional love, and to cultivate it in myself.

Thank you for giving me all you have given me, and for showing me the way.

Things are changing....

Well, as the title suggests, things are yet again changing for me. Then again things are always changing, so that's really nothing new.

I have a lot in my head, things I want to write down, hash out, process, or otherwise just think out loud.

My life as it has been is over. My path leads me to places yet unknown, unforeseen, and a little unexplained.

There is much I do understand, much I do not. The answers do not and will not come easy, but that is the plan, the way growth will occur, and not overnight.

I have spoken with one who is eternal, and her message was to get out, get going, the best is yet to come, but that I must stop being and doing that which I was.

Grow, change, break the chains that bound me, that smothered my gifts.

I am to be kinder to myself, to be who I was meant to be, develop, embrace that which is my destiny.

She said, "What you need will be found, once you learn how to seek."

Things are changing, I am changing, and all is as it should be.

Scare tactics

Well, it seems she's gotten herself a lawyer, and her father is going to help her pay for a divorce. She is hell bent for leather to take the car back from me, the one she gave me, and it's not even worth $50 bucks. I don't know if she can get it, but in my opinion, she's either just doing it to be vindictive, or just can't stand me having something that was once hers.

Personally I think she is just trying to threaten me to get me to come back to her, I mean, granted, if she goes through with it, then I'd be court ordered to pay child support which would more or less drain my entire paycheck, leaving me without the ability to pay rent, but who knows. I'm just going to wait and see what happens, there's nothing she can do with the car if it's in my name, as far as I know. So, we'll see.

I'm writing this to put my thoughts down, I know if I look at it later then I'll see what an idiot I am for stressing over things that don't need to be stressed about. All of this is just another attempt from her to dictate to me how things will go, to try to get me riled up and I'm falling into her trap once again. But no, not this time. I won't let this happen yet again. It's a threat, and that's all. So, I'll treat it as such and go on with life.

My fear of what she might be able to do has always paralyzed me to either inaction, or to do as she demands, but it's got to stop, and today is the day it stops. The scare tactics are not going to work anymore, I'm done with her, and it's time I started acting like it.

The Life

Good evening folks, how are you tonight?

I'm doing fine, no, actually, I'm doing better than ever. 

It's been a few weeks, basically the time between paydays, since I've heard from my ex. I called to tell her what the number was for her moneygram I sent last payday, and I haven't heard a whisper from her since. No phone calls, no text messages, nothing. Well, until last night that is, when I took her mother, her mother's husband, and his sister in law and her two sons off of my facebook page. That prompted a phone call that I didn't answer. I refuse to get caught up in their drama and misery....

Since I moved out, and started a "new" life, I went through a few stages of ups and downs getting comfortable with the choice I had made, figuring out who I was, and settling into my new job. It's been good, I'm still learning some things about it, training, getting to know my coworkers, and I just got my 90 day evaluation the other day, which was a favorable one, they seem happy to have me, and look forward to the days that I work. It's a good feeling to feel needed on the job, to know that I am part of something. The guys are happy to have someone that wants to work and completes the tasks presented in the time allotted, and more importantly, to have someone who shows up for work on a regular basis. It seems that is a problem they've had, not having reliable employees who show up and actually do their job. So, the job goes well, and I'm happy to go every day I'm scheduled, it's a sense of accomplishment to get that gargantuan floor cleaned up and ready to go for the next day's business. I'm working towards getting put on a full time schedule, so I have also started requesting to work extra days, as I've been told that in order to get full time, you have to more or less "take" it, work the extra day each week so that the management can see you want to work the hours. So we'll see where that leads, and in the meantime, the extra money is good too.

The main reason I am writing this post is because of a comment Bella made to me just the other day. She said that for the first time in 39 years I am able to be my own man, do things "my" way. I just turned 39 back on the 2nd, and when she said that, I got to thinking back on my life "before".

The first 18 years, I was like most everyone else, and was living with my parents, under their rules, learning and growing up. Then when I graduated from high school, I joined the U. S. Navy, and was living under their rules and regulations. While I was still in the Navy, I met my ex, and more or less lived under her "rule" for the better part of the last 18 years. So Bella was right. Never have I lived on my own, truly by myself, with the ability to make plans and decisions solely of my own choosing.

So now, after going through a transition period of "OMG what is this, what have I done!", I'm really beginning to see what life is like, to find my way, and live a life free of fear. Because now that I look back on it, that's really what drove me before, what made me make the decisions I made, all through my life till now. Fear of being alone drove me to latch on to the ex when all she did was show me a little attention. Fear of losing my job used to be what motivated me to get out of bed and go to work in the morning, and I believe in reality what caused me to have a problem holding down a job for most of my life, well that, and all the drinking I did. Which is something else I had to get control of, or more aptly, to realize that I had a problem with. I made a choice to stay away from alcohol entirely, since when I do drink, I inevitably get drunk. I had to realize that I had no control whatsoever over my addiction to it, and that the best course of action was to avoid exposing myself to it. In other words, to not ever drink. Saying I was "in control" by only drinking occasionally was merely an illusion of control, the real control comes from not drinking to start with, because, when I start, I don't stop till I'm wasted.

But I digress. I took a look back on my life and saw that fear was a motivating factor in just about everything I had ever done, and now I've learned to not be afraid to be who I want to be, to be me. In realizing that fact, and getting rid of all the fear I had, my life is transforming into something that I can finally say that I'm proud of. Not the boastful "hey look at me, and what I did" kind of proud, but the inner pride that says "I feel good, I'm glad to be me". Fear can take so many forms, and I believe in this lifetime I planned for learning the lessons in how to overcome fear, to learn that nothing good comes from always being motivated in that way.

I really wanted to write this to try to explain the feeling of freedom I have now, to express what a joy it is to wake up knowing I have the ability to make each day what I want it to be. Because it is really mostly one's attitude towards life that makes it good or bad, not what happens. One of my favorite sayings comes from the movie "Bruce Almighty", where "God" in the form of Morgan Freeman tells "Bruce" (Jim Carrey) that "Some of the happiest people in the world go home every day smelling to high heaven". Well, that might not be an exact quote, but the idea is that how you see what happens to you, the attitude you have, makes all the difference in the world. You need not fear for anything, or be afraid of anyone, nor have an attitude of melancholy just because you don't have much in the way of material things. And that's the way I look at life, I'm not afraid, I get up and do what I need to do without seeing only the bad. 

What goes along with that is choosing who I decide to interact with, who I choose to walk this path with me. I've got to say, that in and of itself has been the one thing I think I paid the least attention to in my former existence, choosing my friends. Being myself also includes deciding for myself who I associate with, and that does not include every bleeding heart out there who is starving for attention. They only breed drama and misery, and I choose not to be a part of that anymore. Sure, I'll help out if the situation calls for it, but if I don't feel that it's in my best interest to make you my friend, then I won't go around like before and feel guilty about it. That was another fear, the fear that I'd made someone feel bad. But the thing is, I need to do what's best for me first, and then choose carefully what I do to make others' lives better.

THAT is what I never saw before, THAT was what my whole life before was missing. I was so fearful of what other people thought of me, and how other people felt about interacting with me, that I never stopped to think, "Hey, do I really want to be here?" or  "Do I really want to be friends with this person?" There's nothing wrong with choosing not to associate with someone, especially if that someone happens to do nothing but drain you emotionally. I just don't want to be a part of that, let someone else deal with the bleeding hearts. You know the types I'm talking about, those that want to drag everyone into their own personal misery, and who, no matter what, have GOT to have someone to dump on. Sure, I'm sorry to hear you're having problems, but I'm not about to become involved in them. I also don't want to be your one and only, do like I did, get a grip on yourself, and don't latch on to me just because I gave you a little attention. I actually had this happen at work recently, a woman who thought I was her new boyfriend because I showed her a little kindness when everyone else was ignoring her, but now I see why they were. Let's just say I nipped that one in the bud pretty quickly.

Anyway, folks, this is getting pretty long, and I need to go get ready for another night at work, so I'll close for now. I just wanted to update you on how things are going for me, and to say that I hope everyone had a good 4th of July celebration. Other than Christmas, I'd have to say it's my favorite holiday. But, that's because my birthday is 2 days before, so for me, it's like from the 2nd to the 4th is one BIG holiday lol.

Hope everyone is doing well, and I'll talk to you soon!