Yes folks, this is my 100th post on this blog! I started it back in January of 2010, and in order to "celebrate" my 100th post, I want to go back and make a few references to some things I said in what is in effect my first post. The post that says "Hey, I started a blog" in my mind doesn't count as a "real" post lol.
In that first post I made mention of the realization that I had never lived on my own. My exact words were "... I realized that in 38 years of life, I have never lived on my own. Never had my own place, never had only myself to depend on for my daily needs. You know, food, clean clothes, waking up on time, that sort of stuff. Never had to do that all completely on my own. That is a sobering thought. And a very exciting one. I think I would like the single life."
Well, it's been over a year now since I moved out on my own. I could not have known when I wrote those words, back in January of last year, about what would happen in the next few months which led to where I am today. I am now and have been living the "single life", providing for myself in every aspect, including food, having clean clothes, and yes, waking up on time. So far it has gone very well, and yes, I *do* like it. The chaos that surrounded me back then did not give me adequate time or even the ability to really think about what I wanted, or where I wanted to be, and now, I am a completely different person because of having that ability *and* time. I can also say there is nothing I miss about the life I had back then, and I would never go back to it. I like being my own boss, not having anyone to "answer" to, I mean sure, I have to answer to my employer, but that's completely different. The managers at work are concerned with getting the job at hand done, not at micromanaging MY life, which is the situation I was in with my wife. It feels so good to not have that now.
Now I am free to do whatever it is I decide to put my mind to, whatever it is I decide to focus on. A year ago that thought would have been alien to me, I was so chained to "her" mentally that my thoughts always began with how *she* would react to my decisions, how would *she* gripe and bitch at me if I do this, or *not* do that? But now, things are different. After almost 20 years of having that mindset, I finally have my own mind, and while every once in a while, in dealing with her, those same sorts of thoughts creep up, most of the time, I think with my OWN mind, regardless of how she might react.
The reason I am mentioning this at all is because for the better part of the last year, I was going through the process of shedding that "old" me, the one that was afraid of what she might do if I did not do her bidding. Yes, I was afraid of her. I'll admit it. I was deathly afraid of what she would do, because I had (in my own mind) given her control over everything I did, and even what I thought. So therefore, I felt that if I didn't do what she said, that there was some sort of awful thing that she could do to me, and the thought was there all the time. I never thought for myself, never said, "Hey me, I don't like this, I want to stop doing this!" Every thought and every action hinged on what she would say or think about it.
There was another reason, an underlying reason, for my "fear" of her. It was the fear of abandonment, the same one that got me with her to start with. I latched on to her when I was feeling the "need" to have someone love me, as I have documented before, due to my affection issues with my mother. I had it in my mind that even though she was not always nice, she was at least a lot more affectionate towards me than my mother had been. Granted, consciously I did not see her as a "mother", but I think in a lot of ways, subconsciously, I did. So to not keep her satisfied would mean I would lose the person who was filling that motherly role, and I believe that was why I had the "fear" of her being upset or angry.
I don't know if all that is absolutely true, I'm not a psychologist, but I do know that my thoughts now tell me that it's at least partially true, and it's the reason I did not get up and leave a lot sooner. I was dependent. Plain and simple.
Today is my 100th post, and today I am a celebrating it by being ME, by thinking with my own thoughts, and making decisions based on my own wishes. Last year is gone, done, over with. Today is May 28, 2011, and today I can say I am happy being single.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
What a mess.....
Here I was, thinking that everything was going well, and then, BAM!
I got a notice in the mail just 2 days before payday that there would be a garnishment taken out of my pay, for a medical bill my ex incurred 6 or 7 years ago. Since I am still legally married to her, I guess this means that it is *my* responsibility to pay it, even though the original bill was in her name only. It completely sucks, and I'm taking steps to get the garnishment stopped, because this paycheck was exactly 170 dollars and 25 cents less than normal, and it will be difficult to survive on what's left. Well, not *very* difficult, but I would rather not have "lost" that money. If the hospital wants their money, I can understand that, she needed emergency hernia surgery and did not have medical insurance, so they then billed her later for doing it. But I'll be damned if they are going to take 25% of my paychecks to get their payment.
The kicker is, my ex was more pissed off about it than I was, but of course that's just because she knows it means I will be sending her less money if the garnishment continues.
So anyway, I am going to be on the phone today, trying to work this out...........funny how things turn around in such a short time. There I was, pretty well enjoying life, not feeling much in the way of any emotion, but now, I've felt plenty. Anger obviously, because this is *still* an issue after 7 years. I'm upset, because they hit me where it hurts, in my wallet. I had thought that I was incapable of feeling anything there for a while, in part because I had not allowed myself to become upset or angry about anything that was going on. But, I guess I didn't feel anything because nothing had happened to elicit any strong emotions. I mean, everything that happens happens exactly the way it's supposed to, right? That's what I assume, so what's the point in getting all riled up about it?
I'll tell you what the point is. You're not supposed to go through life just letting things happen to you, because it's the way it's "supposed" to happen, and never feeling or doing anything about it. You're supposed to *live* your life, not be an observer, which is what you are if you do not "react" to what happens, you are inactive, just watching life go by. A friend told me yesterday that I need to be proactive, and she's right. The only way anyone is proactive however is when they feel strongly enough about something that they choose to take action, and I believe this is what this experience is meant to teach me. Don't feel, don't do, just sit and watch, and things will happen *to* you. But get up and do something, be proactive, and things will happen *for* you. Two completely different things.
I have made it my goal to control my emotions in recent months, but I believe in doing so I have gone too far in the opposite direction, in other words, I've chosen not to feel *anything*, rather than risk going "overboard" with whatever emotion I might have been feeling at the moment. I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as going "overboard", or rather, letting the emotion run too high. Should it not be more like letting myself feel the emotion as I really "want" to, but remembering to not let it overwhelm me, so that I make rash or not well thought out decisions? Yes, I think so. I have had that problem in the past, letting my emotions make my decisions, rather than calming myself and thinking logically about the problem at hand.
I have never been much of a proactive person, and I think the only times I have been are when I was upset or angry about the situation at hand, and then, wow, did I get a lot done. Especially when I was really really angry about something, then there's no stopping me. Why can't I be like that when I'm *not* furiously angry? I would be so much further along in life if I was. I would have a job that pays better, I would be in my chosen career (working on computers), and I would probably not be sitting here in a house where I can't cook even a simple meal without hearing about it from my roommate. But no, I just let life pass me by, because for one reason or another I do not feel strongly enough about anything to be proactive and get something done. That's the bottom line.
As the saying goes, "If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it." That's not been me.
So much has been made of people who are "successful" in life, but how did they get there? Not by sitting and watching as others got promoted, or bought a house, or got that degree, no, they went out and did something, because they wanted it bad enough to make it happen. And want is an emotion, or rather, is a natural instinct that is closely tied to emotions. When a desire or "want" is strong enough, then you are compelled to fulfill that desire with very strong emotions.
So maybe this situation is meant to teach me that my problem is not in the emotions I'm feeling, but more in how bad I "want" things for my life. I'm usually content with very little, not "wanting" much, which isn't a bad thing, but maybe I'm a little *too* content. Content to let life pass me by because I never get up and get anything done, since my emotions don't allow me to feel as though I really need or want something.
I have had numerous experiences in this lifetime that should have taught me this lesson, as a matter of fact, I believe I have mentioned some of them here in my blog before. I sincerely hope this is the last time this life will attempt to teach me this lesson. Only time will tell if I have learned it. It has been a cyclical thing with me, for a few days I am all full of vigor, ready to tackle anything, and then I go back to being content, and let life pass me by. Let us hope that this time is different. One key point is the "vigor" part of it. I can't obviously keep a high level of emotion all the time, to try and motivate myself to do things, no, rather, I feel I should just lower my level of contentment, to one that is *not* happy with how things are at the moment, and therefore I will be motivated naturally to take action. That's all it will take. Find a want or desire, and inject a little more want and desire into it, and presto, new motivation. If I truly want to have a better life, then I have to really want it, or it isn't going to happen, end of story.
Sure, everything that happens just as it should, but if there isn't any motivation, what happens will be nothing, and you will not have a life at all.
Sure sucks that I had to lose a quarter of a paycheck to figure that out.
Friday, May 20, 2011
The next chapter.........
Last night, before I got ready to go to work, I had a sort of epiphany. Not the kind when you are contemplating a deep subject, or complicated decision, and you happen upon the answer, no, this was a sort of "click" in my head, something that said, "Hey, dude, this is stupid! You need to get out there and get going with your life!" I have all ideas it was one of my spirit guides, vocally telling me it was time to take action.
To that end I have decided to "put myself out there", here in "blogland" and on Facebook, specifically, in commenting on your blog posts, statuses, and even sending some of you emails, if you have your email address posted. I have a strong desire to make a change, to make new connections, because I feel that it's time for the next chapter in my life to begin. I've felt like this before, but this time is different.
I've been through a pretty huge upheaval in just about every aspect of my life over the last year, both in my everyday life, as well as personally, internally. I've learned a lot, especially about who I am. I've learned first and foremost to be careful with my emotions, and to be able to recognize and discern what emotions I am feeling, especially those that on the surface appear to be something they are not. It has been a problem for me, recently and in years past, thinking that I was feeling love for someone when in fact it was only a sexual attraction or even infatuation, as in the case of my ex. Never before have I felt like I do now, it's a feeling of having been through a "schooling", of having been through experiences that have taught me the true nature of emotions. I spent a large portion of my life living through my ego, needing a woman there all the time telling me they love me, and enjoying the outpouring of affection towards me, all the while not feeling any TRUE feelings of affection of my own. There WERE feelings, but none like that of a man truly "in love". This can all be traced back to a problem I had with my mother, or, to put it more aptly, my perceptions of how she doled out her affection, or the lack thereof.
The truth of the matter is, I am very selective when it comes to doling out my own affections, and it takes a lot for me to really feel true love for a person. I think everyone is like that. We "like" a lot of people, we even "love" a few (not including family, that's a different kind of love entirely). The love can be very deep, but not be romantic in nature at all. Romantic love is something I think we only ever truly feel with a select few people. In my opinion, that's what makes it special. It's not something you can just jump into, I mean sure, I suppose it happens on occasion, but to really love someone that way I think it requires a bit more, something akin to a "learning" period, where you each start out as friends. Attracted to each other physically, sure, but that's really just the beginning. I think a lot of men fall into that trap, thinking with "the wrong head". But there are so many other factors. And each of those factors is unique to each couple. You have to have similar interests, and really enjoy each other's company, and be able to understand that you WILL have differences. The key to a healthy relationship is to be able to love the other person in such a way though that those differences don't matter to you. You are are happy to let them be who they are, while they let you be who YOU are, without feeling like you have to compromise yourself to maintain the relationship. I ran into that one in a BIG way with my ex. I do feel that people who are truly in love have a deep, spiritual connection, one that oftentimes spans the ages. In other words, this lifetime is not their first one together, nor will it be their last. Such is the case with those that "know" each other even before they ever really start talking. But that describes a LOT of romances, now doesn't it? You make that "connection", you look into each other's eyes for the first time, and you just KNOW they are the one. For any relationship of this nature though, it still takes a bit more work. And that's what I'm talking about. I think in order to have a real "true love" relationship, it takes time, and even more importantly, honesty, by both parties. And I'm not only talking about to each other, I mean to each of them themselves. THIS my friends, is where I had the problem.
I had never once been completely honest with myself, or even been aware that I was not. I had taught myself at an early age that I desperately "needed" to have a woman by my side, expressing her affection for me, and "doting" on me, making me feel "wanted" and having me as her "one and only"; these were the words in my head, even if I didn't acknowledge it. But then past all that, there was the real me, the one who didn't need that at all, and actually, rather disliked the "clingy" feeling of it. The person I really was, and still am, would rather have a woman who first connects with me on an intellectual level, one who is practical, logical, and here's the kicker: one who is not very emotional at all. Meaning, not much in the way of outward expression of emotions. I am the kind of person who, while my astrological chart would say otherwise, is a very UNemotional person, and I like being around those who are as well. (For those who don't already know, I am a Cancer, with a moon in Scorpio and a rising sign of Pisces. All 3 water signs rolled into one. Usually a recipe for a VERY emotional person.) That's not to say I don't FEEL emotions, it's just that I'm not outwardly emotional at all. A fact that several of my coworkers have commented on. They've said things like "You always seem to be so levelheaded, so calm, nothing gets you riled up", and things of that nature. And in the course of my everyday life, that holds true, for almost any situation. I don't let things get to me, I don't get upset about much, and I don't go overboard with ANY emotion, be it anger, love, sadness, anything. And here's the OTHER kicker: just about every time in my life that I HAVE gotten overly emotional, and fallen "in love" with someone, it's been because of my ego's attempt to fill the "void" left by my mother. But not once has it been true love.
I'm sorry to say that it's happened to me on at least 3 separate occasions, and each time, when I realized what I was doing, I ended the relationship. There is no excuse for what I did to each of those women, breaking their hearts like I did, because all 3 were very much in love with me, and I feel very very bad about that. I never intended to hurt any of them, but the truth is, I did, and for that I am truly sorry. But I could not go on in a relationship in which I was not being honest, either with myself or with the one involved. I cannot live a lie. On the same token, however, I am grateful to them for being here in this lifetime to help me learn my lesson.
So you see folks, as the next chapter of my life begins, I feel I have learned my lesson finally, and the next time a romantic relationship presents itself, I intend to act according to my honest intentions, and not feed my ego, which, while under control, will still be a part of me. Everyone has one, no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. These bodies, we in our physical forms, I believe in essence "creates" the ego. Or, it is nurtured in us as children, I'm not sure which. I'll have to study it further. As far as I understand it, it's our initial sense of "self", our initial senses as to what we "need" and "want", and we are driven to feed those desires at all costs. As adults, many of us continue to feed the ego in the same way we did as children. Or not. Like I said, I'll have to investigate further. Here's the thing though. I don't really want to. I'm on a different "quest" at the moment, and that is to live life, to have more experiences, to learn the lessons I came here to learn.
One of the things I have a strong desire to do in this next chapter of my life I mentioned at the top of this post, namely, putting myself "out there", but I didn't mention the reasons why. I want to connect with other pagans like me, I want to know what your experiences are, spiritually, I want to know how you see yourself outside of your ego and physical self. Do you believe this is your only life, or do you believe, like me, that you've had many lifetimes? Do you worship a god or goddess, or do you believe as I do, and not see them as "deities", but rather companions, here to help you on your journey? If you did not grow up as a pagan, how has your life changed since you "converted"? Do you feel differently about the "other side"? These are a few of the questions I intend to ask, and I also hope to make some new friends, ones that I converse with regularly, this is a time for me to network. I have a strong feeling that a few of you out there are needed in my life at the moment, and likewise I for you. I look forward to meeting you, and talking with you soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I hope you have a great day.
To that end I have decided to "put myself out there", here in "blogland" and on Facebook, specifically, in commenting on your blog posts, statuses, and even sending some of you emails, if you have your email address posted. I have a strong desire to make a change, to make new connections, because I feel that it's time for the next chapter in my life to begin. I've felt like this before, but this time is different.
I've been through a pretty huge upheaval in just about every aspect of my life over the last year, both in my everyday life, as well as personally, internally. I've learned a lot, especially about who I am. I've learned first and foremost to be careful with my emotions, and to be able to recognize and discern what emotions I am feeling, especially those that on the surface appear to be something they are not. It has been a problem for me, recently and in years past, thinking that I was feeling love for someone when in fact it was only a sexual attraction or even infatuation, as in the case of my ex. Never before have I felt like I do now, it's a feeling of having been through a "schooling", of having been through experiences that have taught me the true nature of emotions. I spent a large portion of my life living through my ego, needing a woman there all the time telling me they love me, and enjoying the outpouring of affection towards me, all the while not feeling any TRUE feelings of affection of my own. There WERE feelings, but none like that of a man truly "in love". This can all be traced back to a problem I had with my mother, or, to put it more aptly, my perceptions of how she doled out her affection, or the lack thereof.
The truth of the matter is, I am very selective when it comes to doling out my own affections, and it takes a lot for me to really feel true love for a person. I think everyone is like that. We "like" a lot of people, we even "love" a few (not including family, that's a different kind of love entirely). The love can be very deep, but not be romantic in nature at all. Romantic love is something I think we only ever truly feel with a select few people. In my opinion, that's what makes it special. It's not something you can just jump into, I mean sure, I suppose it happens on occasion, but to really love someone that way I think it requires a bit more, something akin to a "learning" period, where you each start out as friends. Attracted to each other physically, sure, but that's really just the beginning. I think a lot of men fall into that trap, thinking with "the wrong head". But there are so many other factors. And each of those factors is unique to each couple. You have to have similar interests, and really enjoy each other's company, and be able to understand that you WILL have differences. The key to a healthy relationship is to be able to love the other person in such a way though that those differences don't matter to you. You are are happy to let them be who they are, while they let you be who YOU are, without feeling like you have to compromise yourself to maintain the relationship. I ran into that one in a BIG way with my ex. I do feel that people who are truly in love have a deep, spiritual connection, one that oftentimes spans the ages. In other words, this lifetime is not their first one together, nor will it be their last. Such is the case with those that "know" each other even before they ever really start talking. But that describes a LOT of romances, now doesn't it? You make that "connection", you look into each other's eyes for the first time, and you just KNOW they are the one. For any relationship of this nature though, it still takes a bit more work. And that's what I'm talking about. I think in order to have a real "true love" relationship, it takes time, and even more importantly, honesty, by both parties. And I'm not only talking about to each other, I mean to each of them themselves. THIS my friends, is where I had the problem.
I had never once been completely honest with myself, or even been aware that I was not. I had taught myself at an early age that I desperately "needed" to have a woman by my side, expressing her affection for me, and "doting" on me, making me feel "wanted" and having me as her "one and only"; these were the words in my head, even if I didn't acknowledge it. But then past all that, there was the real me, the one who didn't need that at all, and actually, rather disliked the "clingy" feeling of it. The person I really was, and still am, would rather have a woman who first connects with me on an intellectual level, one who is practical, logical, and here's the kicker: one who is not very emotional at all. Meaning, not much in the way of outward expression of emotions. I am the kind of person who, while my astrological chart would say otherwise, is a very UNemotional person, and I like being around those who are as well. (For those who don't already know, I am a Cancer, with a moon in Scorpio and a rising sign of Pisces. All 3 water signs rolled into one. Usually a recipe for a VERY emotional person.) That's not to say I don't FEEL emotions, it's just that I'm not outwardly emotional at all. A fact that several of my coworkers have commented on. They've said things like "You always seem to be so levelheaded, so calm, nothing gets you riled up", and things of that nature. And in the course of my everyday life, that holds true, for almost any situation. I don't let things get to me, I don't get upset about much, and I don't go overboard with ANY emotion, be it anger, love, sadness, anything. And here's the OTHER kicker: just about every time in my life that I HAVE gotten overly emotional, and fallen "in love" with someone, it's been because of my ego's attempt to fill the "void" left by my mother. But not once has it been true love.
I'm sorry to say that it's happened to me on at least 3 separate occasions, and each time, when I realized what I was doing, I ended the relationship. There is no excuse for what I did to each of those women, breaking their hearts like I did, because all 3 were very much in love with me, and I feel very very bad about that. I never intended to hurt any of them, but the truth is, I did, and for that I am truly sorry. But I could not go on in a relationship in which I was not being honest, either with myself or with the one involved. I cannot live a lie. On the same token, however, I am grateful to them for being here in this lifetime to help me learn my lesson.
So you see folks, as the next chapter of my life begins, I feel I have learned my lesson finally, and the next time a romantic relationship presents itself, I intend to act according to my honest intentions, and not feed my ego, which, while under control, will still be a part of me. Everyone has one, no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. These bodies, we in our physical forms, I believe in essence "creates" the ego. Or, it is nurtured in us as children, I'm not sure which. I'll have to study it further. As far as I understand it, it's our initial sense of "self", our initial senses as to what we "need" and "want", and we are driven to feed those desires at all costs. As adults, many of us continue to feed the ego in the same way we did as children. Or not. Like I said, I'll have to investigate further. Here's the thing though. I don't really want to. I'm on a different "quest" at the moment, and that is to live life, to have more experiences, to learn the lessons I came here to learn.
One of the things I have a strong desire to do in this next chapter of my life I mentioned at the top of this post, namely, putting myself "out there", but I didn't mention the reasons why. I want to connect with other pagans like me, I want to know what your experiences are, spiritually, I want to know how you see yourself outside of your ego and physical self. Do you believe this is your only life, or do you believe, like me, that you've had many lifetimes? Do you worship a god or goddess, or do you believe as I do, and not see them as "deities", but rather companions, here to help you on your journey? If you did not grow up as a pagan, how has your life changed since you "converted"? Do you feel differently about the "other side"? These are a few of the questions I intend to ask, and I also hope to make some new friends, ones that I converse with regularly, this is a time for me to network. I have a strong feeling that a few of you out there are needed in my life at the moment, and likewise I for you. I look forward to meeting you, and talking with you soon.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, I hope you have a great day.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
My day with the girls......and other things
I went to see my girls yesterday, and of course had to deal with my ex, which is a lot of times not a good situation, but this time, it was a very pleasant experience.
I've had a lot of work done on my car, so now I'm able to go see them more often, and I'm hoping things continue to go well, especially with the ex. She is very controlling, likes to dictate to me how things are going to go, without even considering my opinion on whatever subject there is at hand. Yesterday however, she was very sociable.
Things started out with me going to check on her truck, which has a door issue, as in, the driver's door wouldn't close, period. The latch is messed up because the door is sagging, mostly due to age and normal wear and tear. Well 10 minutes after I got there, I had it fixed, or at least to where it will close for now. She was still at work, so all I did was tell her what was up with it, and told her what needed to be done to fix it. Then I went to pick up my 2 older daughters at school.
The car circle is always a "fun" venture, and since I got there a few minutes early, I had to sit and wait to pick them up, but I occupied myself by reading a book on my Nook. Awesome little things, those e-readers lol. Then finally when the line began to move, I made it to the front in a pretty short time and found my middle daughter, Alex, patiently waiting for me, but my oldest, Liz, was nowhere to be found, so I picked up Alex and continued down the rest of the line and found a place to park in the parking lot. As soon as I got parked, I look up to find Liz jumping around like a banshee in the exact spot I had JUST left! So I go over to get her, and she acts like she doesn't want to be see me, or be seen WITH me......typical teen (she'll be 15 in about a month), but she did give me a hug when we got to the car.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I got them home, and shortly thereafter my ex met me there with the youngest, Teagan. We then got into my car and headed to Nashville to take her to her tryout for the Nashville Children's Choir, which is the whole reason I went over there to start with, since the ex's truck was having issues, and she is having difficulty finding money for gas in that behemoth (a 1993 Dodge Ramcharger). Everything went well with that, Teagan will probably get selected to be in the choir, but we won't find out for sure until they send the letter sometime next month. It's not that hard to get in, seems as long as you can carry a tune in a bucket they let you in, but you never know.
After that we went around to the "picturesque" part of the campus (the choir is based out of Belmont University) and took some pics, and let the girls run around for a bit, while the ex and I talked. She is still trying to convince me to come back to her, so she was very nice, and discussed with me some of the things going on with the kids, as well as some things going on over the summer. She asked me if things with her were all that bad, and I told her (again, for like the 50th time) that it wasn't her, it was me, I had not been honest with myself for the whole time I was with her, in that I was not happy. It's just a matter of compatibility, I told her, and we are not compatible. She didn't say much more about it, and we headed home shortly thereafter.
I ate dinner with them, sloppy joes, leftover chicken nuggets and fries, and some kind of leftover hamburger helper......guess it was leftover night. With new sloppy joes. It was good though. Shortly after eating I headed back home, it was late, and I was tired. I had gotten up at 4 in the morning, since on my days off I sleep at night like the rest of the world lol. I don't like leaving them, the girls, they are so sad when I go. They just want me to come back, and they don't understand it's not that easy. I can't live with their mother, and be in a relationship with her, because I know full well what would happen if I did. She'd be fine for a few weeks, maybe even a month, but then she'd go back to what she was doing before, and dictating to me every little thing, telling me even how I should think. It's in her personality, and I don't believe someone can change their personality.
So that was it in a nutshell, my visit with the girls. It was fun and I got the chance to spend time with them, they are growing up so fast. Soon I will have to teach Liz how to drive, I can't believe it. We'll have to find a car that's not a stick shift first though, I think trying to teach her on that will be a little much, too much to think about at one time.
In other news, I've gotten into a sort of routine at work, and it's going well. I enjoy what I do, and hopefully as time passes there will be opportunities to learn other departments, I want to know as many as I can, so I can be more versatile, and besides, I just love filling the shelves lol. It's because I know then that there is merchandise for the customers to buy, and isn't that the name of the game? Don't you hate it when you go to a store and they don't have what you normally buy there? Me too, which is why I am so passionate about what I do.
There's more change on the horizon, I can feel it, but isn't that the way it always is? If there is not change, then there is nothing. Nothing moving, nothing progressing, nothing happening. So it's kind of a moot point to say things are changing. They ALWAYS change. It's only in our own opinions whether we see the change as good or bad. The thing is, it's neither. Everything happens just as it should, so any change is just that, just change. The day changes, the year changes, the season's change, the only constant is change. It's in how we perceive the change that is the problem. If we don't look at things as "bad" or "good", but as things that happen as they should, then we don't see the world in the same way at all. Things that before seemed like horrible "bad" things, like war, disease, natural disasters, and death, all become neutral, just as the "good" things like love and peace and birth and weddings and (lol) chocolate ice cream. Something to think about. Hard to put into practice, surely, but something to think about.
I've had a lot of work done on my car, so now I'm able to go see them more often, and I'm hoping things continue to go well, especially with the ex. She is very controlling, likes to dictate to me how things are going to go, without even considering my opinion on whatever subject there is at hand. Yesterday however, she was very sociable.
Things started out with me going to check on her truck, which has a door issue, as in, the driver's door wouldn't close, period. The latch is messed up because the door is sagging, mostly due to age and normal wear and tear. Well 10 minutes after I got there, I had it fixed, or at least to where it will close for now. She was still at work, so all I did was tell her what was up with it, and told her what needed to be done to fix it. Then I went to pick up my 2 older daughters at school.
The car circle is always a "fun" venture, and since I got there a few minutes early, I had to sit and wait to pick them up, but I occupied myself by reading a book on my Nook. Awesome little things, those e-readers lol. Then finally when the line began to move, I made it to the front in a pretty short time and found my middle daughter, Alex, patiently waiting for me, but my oldest, Liz, was nowhere to be found, so I picked up Alex and continued down the rest of the line and found a place to park in the parking lot. As soon as I got parked, I look up to find Liz jumping around like a banshee in the exact spot I had JUST left! So I go over to get her, and she acts like she doesn't want to be see me, or be seen WITH me......typical teen (she'll be 15 in about a month), but she did give me a hug when we got to the car.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I got them home, and shortly thereafter my ex met me there with the youngest, Teagan. We then got into my car and headed to Nashville to take her to her tryout for the Nashville Children's Choir, which is the whole reason I went over there to start with, since the ex's truck was having issues, and she is having difficulty finding money for gas in that behemoth (a 1993 Dodge Ramcharger). Everything went well with that, Teagan will probably get selected to be in the choir, but we won't find out for sure until they send the letter sometime next month. It's not that hard to get in, seems as long as you can carry a tune in a bucket they let you in, but you never know.
After that we went around to the "picturesque" part of the campus (the choir is based out of Belmont University) and took some pics, and let the girls run around for a bit, while the ex and I talked. She is still trying to convince me to come back to her, so she was very nice, and discussed with me some of the things going on with the kids, as well as some things going on over the summer. She asked me if things with her were all that bad, and I told her (again, for like the 50th time) that it wasn't her, it was me, I had not been honest with myself for the whole time I was with her, in that I was not happy. It's just a matter of compatibility, I told her, and we are not compatible. She didn't say much more about it, and we headed home shortly thereafter.
I ate dinner with them, sloppy joes, leftover chicken nuggets and fries, and some kind of leftover hamburger helper......guess it was leftover night. With new sloppy joes. It was good though. Shortly after eating I headed back home, it was late, and I was tired. I had gotten up at 4 in the morning, since on my days off I sleep at night like the rest of the world lol. I don't like leaving them, the girls, they are so sad when I go. They just want me to come back, and they don't understand it's not that easy. I can't live with their mother, and be in a relationship with her, because I know full well what would happen if I did. She'd be fine for a few weeks, maybe even a month, but then she'd go back to what she was doing before, and dictating to me every little thing, telling me even how I should think. It's in her personality, and I don't believe someone can change their personality.
So that was it in a nutshell, my visit with the girls. It was fun and I got the chance to spend time with them, they are growing up so fast. Soon I will have to teach Liz how to drive, I can't believe it. We'll have to find a car that's not a stick shift first though, I think trying to teach her on that will be a little much, too much to think about at one time.
In other news, I've gotten into a sort of routine at work, and it's going well. I enjoy what I do, and hopefully as time passes there will be opportunities to learn other departments, I want to know as many as I can, so I can be more versatile, and besides, I just love filling the shelves lol. It's because I know then that there is merchandise for the customers to buy, and isn't that the name of the game? Don't you hate it when you go to a store and they don't have what you normally buy there? Me too, which is why I am so passionate about what I do.
There's more change on the horizon, I can feel it, but isn't that the way it always is? If there is not change, then there is nothing. Nothing moving, nothing progressing, nothing happening. So it's kind of a moot point to say things are changing. They ALWAYS change. It's only in our own opinions whether we see the change as good or bad. The thing is, it's neither. Everything happens just as it should, so any change is just that, just change. The day changes, the year changes, the season's change, the only constant is change. It's in how we perceive the change that is the problem. If we don't look at things as "bad" or "good", but as things that happen as they should, then we don't see the world in the same way at all. Things that before seemed like horrible "bad" things, like war, disease, natural disasters, and death, all become neutral, just as the "good" things like love and peace and birth and weddings and (lol) chocolate ice cream. Something to think about. Hard to put into practice, surely, but something to think about.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The end of another work week, and, I think it's about time......
Well folks, it's the end of yet another work week, stocking the shelves at my neighborhood Walmart. If I haven't mentioned it, I have been working the frozen and dairy departments now for almost 2 months, with a smattering of days working the pet department. I have to say, it's finally getting to be pretty routine, but that doesn't take away from the sense of accomplishment I get every night when I get done with the new freight. It feels good to know I've done all I can to get the shelves full again after a day's worth of customers shopping. That sense of urgency I get every night knowing that there are pallets of stuff that needs to be put on the shelf, sometimes completely empty shelves, has still stayed with me. I really hate to know when I'm done that there are still empty shelves. That's happened a few nights in a row now, I don't know what's wrong with the way things are ordered, but there are "holes" everywhere, and it makes me a little upset. I mean don't you hate it when you go to a store to get something you buy regularly, only to find they are out of it? Me too! Which is why I am so passionate about what I do. To me, there is NO excuse as to why a large volume retailer like Walmart would ever be out of ANYTHING. That's kinda the point, isn't it? Stock and move as much merchandise as possible? So why are there times when they are COMPLETELY out of some of the most common and the most regularly purchased items?
Personally I think it's because they don't plan ahead well enough. They supposedly have a computer doing their ordering for them, which looks at what's on hand compared to how much has sold, so of course there is about a day or so lag in the freight that arrives. But still. There are humans in control of those computers, and it irks me to no end to find that when the product is needed the most, it's not there. Part of it is the people working in the store, in the back room, most don't care enough about their jobs to properly scan the backstock into the system to keep the counts current, but I don't blame them. They don't get paid well enough, they are constantly stretched for time to get done all their tasks in a given day or night, I mean it's amazing that ANYTHING gets accomplished to keep the store going. But that's just the nature of working for a company I once heard called "The Evil Empire". Even at the other end of the ordering process, the corporate level, there is bound to be an underpaid and overworked employee that is neither aware of what goes on at the store level, nor does he care. So there will continue to be empty shelves.
Sorry folks.
The other thing I wanted to talk about today is my divorce. The one I'm overdue in filing for. We've been separated for over a year now, she and I, and I have no intentions of trying to "work it out" or go back to her. So what has been keeping me from filing?
Money mostly, it takes a lot of money to get a divorce, especially with kids involved. But what am I hanging on for? Why haven't I put the money together and gone ahead and filed?
The reason? I think I'm afraid of how drastically it will change my life. Not that my day to day existence will change much, but I think it has to do with when I see the kids, and how much money I will HAVE to send her with child support and possible alimony. I send her money pretty much every payday, but I'm sure the amount I'll be sending her with the child support payments will be a lot more than I'm sending now. I'm not saying I don't want to pay child support, much to contrary in fact. It's just that I know her, and I know how she thinks, and her idea is that if in fact I file for divorce, she will become very vindictive and try to milk me dry of every dime I make. Of course the courts won't let that happen, not in the way she believes it will happen anyway, but the fact is, I'm the father, and I'm the one that left, and as everyone who's ever been through it knows, the courts rarely rule in favor of the father who leaves his wife and children. It's really set up in such a way to try and keep you married, or you're going to pay through the nose if you don't.
What really pisses me off is that the law is written and set up according to the Christian religious belief system, whether they claim it is or not. I'm not a Christian, and I would rather not be judged according to beliefs I don't adhere to. Granted, a marriage is really a contract, which is why you have to get a license to get married to start with. You agree to be together in all things, financially, legally, and so forth, and if one party wishes to break that contract, there are bound to be "penalties". But the way the law is written, certain core beliefs are assumed to be part of that contract, or, to put it another way, a marriage is believed to be a uniting of two people under "God", a Christian deity, and the execution of that marriage and even as far as what constitutes a marriage are more or less a carbon copy of what is laid out in the Bible, a Christian religious text. What about those of us that are NOT Christians though? And what happens if one of the people in the marriage adopts another religion after getting married? These are some of the questions that have been in my thoughts ever since I spoke to a lawyer about getting a divorce, which was months ago.
I'm not a lawyer obviously, and I DON'T know the law specifically, but in talking with the lawyer, I got the gist of how things work, and I swear it was like hearing someone quote the Bible to me, rather than the letter of law. I understand of course that the majority of people here in the United States are a part of the Christian religious belief system, as were our forefathers who WROTE the laws on marriage as well as everything else, but my question is, did they take into account when drafting up the law that there might be other belief systems? It sure doesn't seem like it. What about someone like me, a pagan, who doesn't believe in "God", should I be forced to adhere to laws written based on beliefs of a religion that is not mine?
I realize I am opening one heck of a can of worms here, it's the age old church vs state debate. Like I said, I am not well versed in the letter of the law, so this is merely my own personal opinion of the state of things. Yes, I am aware that when laws are drawn up, they are very often written with care taken to omit most references to ANY religion per se, and are meant to be a blanket statement of fact, but are they not also written based on the most widely accepted "beliefs" as to what is "right" and "wrong"?
And where do most people get their beliefs on that?
Yup, from their religion.
I know I'm in the minority, and they aren't going to change the law just to suit ME, but I think in this day and age it would be wise for the courts to address this issue, and maybe draft up some NEW laws, ones that are not based solely on the Christian system of beliefs as to what is right and wrong. There are now many different religious belief systems alive and well in this country, most likely many more than were prevalent even a hundred (or more) years ago, when the laws were drawn up. It seems to me that it would be wise to have a representative of each of the religions present to help make up new laws, and I'm not talking about just a few, but ALL religions, from Agnostics to Zen Buddhists. A marriage means many different things among the many religions, and the way one gets divorced, if that's allowed, is too. So I think the law should be written to take this into account. It's not going to be easy, but there HAS to be a better way than just going by ONE religion's beliefs.
In the meantime, I will have to adhere to the laws as they are written NOW, and go ahead and file for a divorce. I can't sit back and feel like I can't just because the laws don't fit what I believe. So yeah, it's time. Just need to gather up the 257 or so dollars it takes to file, and get the process started.
Stay tuned.
Personally I think it's because they don't plan ahead well enough. They supposedly have a computer doing their ordering for them, which looks at what's on hand compared to how much has sold, so of course there is about a day or so lag in the freight that arrives. But still. There are humans in control of those computers, and it irks me to no end to find that when the product is needed the most, it's not there. Part of it is the people working in the store, in the back room, most don't care enough about their jobs to properly scan the backstock into the system to keep the counts current, but I don't blame them. They don't get paid well enough, they are constantly stretched for time to get done all their tasks in a given day or night, I mean it's amazing that ANYTHING gets accomplished to keep the store going. But that's just the nature of working for a company I once heard called "The Evil Empire". Even at the other end of the ordering process, the corporate level, there is bound to be an underpaid and overworked employee that is neither aware of what goes on at the store level, nor does he care. So there will continue to be empty shelves.
Sorry folks.
The other thing I wanted to talk about today is my divorce. The one I'm overdue in filing for. We've been separated for over a year now, she and I, and I have no intentions of trying to "work it out" or go back to her. So what has been keeping me from filing?
Money mostly, it takes a lot of money to get a divorce, especially with kids involved. But what am I hanging on for? Why haven't I put the money together and gone ahead and filed?
The reason? I think I'm afraid of how drastically it will change my life. Not that my day to day existence will change much, but I think it has to do with when I see the kids, and how much money I will HAVE to send her with child support and possible alimony. I send her money pretty much every payday, but I'm sure the amount I'll be sending her with the child support payments will be a lot more than I'm sending now. I'm not saying I don't want to pay child support, much to contrary in fact. It's just that I know her, and I know how she thinks, and her idea is that if in fact I file for divorce, she will become very vindictive and try to milk me dry of every dime I make. Of course the courts won't let that happen, not in the way she believes it will happen anyway, but the fact is, I'm the father, and I'm the one that left, and as everyone who's ever been through it knows, the courts rarely rule in favor of the father who leaves his wife and children. It's really set up in such a way to try and keep you married, or you're going to pay through the nose if you don't.
What really pisses me off is that the law is written and set up according to the Christian religious belief system, whether they claim it is or not. I'm not a Christian, and I would rather not be judged according to beliefs I don't adhere to. Granted, a marriage is really a contract, which is why you have to get a license to get married to start with. You agree to be together in all things, financially, legally, and so forth, and if one party wishes to break that contract, there are bound to be "penalties". But the way the law is written, certain core beliefs are assumed to be part of that contract, or, to put it another way, a marriage is believed to be a uniting of two people under "God", a Christian deity, and the execution of that marriage and even as far as what constitutes a marriage are more or less a carbon copy of what is laid out in the Bible, a Christian religious text. What about those of us that are NOT Christians though? And what happens if one of the people in the marriage adopts another religion after getting married? These are some of the questions that have been in my thoughts ever since I spoke to a lawyer about getting a divorce, which was months ago.
I'm not a lawyer obviously, and I DON'T know the law specifically, but in talking with the lawyer, I got the gist of how things work, and I swear it was like hearing someone quote the Bible to me, rather than the letter of law. I understand of course that the majority of people here in the United States are a part of the Christian religious belief system, as were our forefathers who WROTE the laws on marriage as well as everything else, but my question is, did they take into account when drafting up the law that there might be other belief systems? It sure doesn't seem like it. What about someone like me, a pagan, who doesn't believe in "God", should I be forced to adhere to laws written based on beliefs of a religion that is not mine?
I realize I am opening one heck of a can of worms here, it's the age old church vs state debate. Like I said, I am not well versed in the letter of the law, so this is merely my own personal opinion of the state of things. Yes, I am aware that when laws are drawn up, they are very often written with care taken to omit most references to ANY religion per se, and are meant to be a blanket statement of fact, but are they not also written based on the most widely accepted "beliefs" as to what is "right" and "wrong"?
And where do most people get their beliefs on that?
Yup, from their religion.
I know I'm in the minority, and they aren't going to change the law just to suit ME, but I think in this day and age it would be wise for the courts to address this issue, and maybe draft up some NEW laws, ones that are not based solely on the Christian system of beliefs as to what is right and wrong. There are now many different religious belief systems alive and well in this country, most likely many more than were prevalent even a hundred (or more) years ago, when the laws were drawn up. It seems to me that it would be wise to have a representative of each of the religions present to help make up new laws, and I'm not talking about just a few, but ALL religions, from Agnostics to Zen Buddhists. A marriage means many different things among the many religions, and the way one gets divorced, if that's allowed, is too. So I think the law should be written to take this into account. It's not going to be easy, but there HAS to be a better way than just going by ONE religion's beliefs.
In the meantime, I will have to adhere to the laws as they are written NOW, and go ahead and file for a divorce. I can't sit back and feel like I can't just because the laws don't fit what I believe. So yeah, it's time. Just need to gather up the 257 or so dollars it takes to file, and get the process started.
Stay tuned.
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