Looking back, this year in my life....

Well it's almost the end of another year, one that I will look back on fondly, because it was the year I finally DID something, I took action to improve myself, and my life. This is the time of year when I remember that it's a lot like each day; each year, when it passes, will never come again, and I think about what I'm going to do differently in the new year coming up. I don't like to dwell on the past all that much, it's gone, and there's nothing I can do to change it, but I can change what I do now, and I can make plans and set myself on a path that will lead me to better things. To a better "me". If there's one thing I've learned, it's that wallowing in regret or being depressed that things didn't go this year like I'd hoped, or, conversely, congratulating myself profusely for a job well done does little to keep things going forward. There is always something to improve, there is always something new to learn.

I think that's the biggest lesson I learned this year, and that is to remember that I've never "arrived" at the end, I'm not finished growing, or learning, and that change, while sometimes painful, is always for the better. Everything that happens happens for a reason, and that reason is for me to learn life's lessons that I set out to learn before I came here to live this particular lifetime. I think that for a lot of my life I resisted change out of fear of the unknown, and it has taken years for me to learn things that I could have otherwise done in a very short time. No one knows what the future holds, but to me, the future looks bright. I know now to work to control my fears, control my emotions, and listen to the signs and signals put before me, because they are ultimately going to make me more than I was. Every time I lose control, every time I resist, my progress halts, and in some cases even takes me backwards, and then I have to get up and go again, losing valuable time, after all, this lifetime is not without end.

One thing that stands out very clearly to me looking back on all that has transpired in the last 12 months, and that is that I am the only one standing in the way of my own personal growth. The other people in my life are the catalysts, the ones that prod me, take me in a new direction, but when it comes down to it, only I have the power to move. I have to see what needs to be left behind, I have to decide where I will make changes, only I can determine if I'm making progress, no one else can do that for me. That's the other major lesson. I can't look to others to tell me what to do, it's not their life, and whether they approve or not has no bearing on who I am. Asking others to tell me what to do or looking for their approval are just more symptoms of fear, the fear of standing alone, being accountable, I have to know for myself if something is right, for me. My guides exist to guide, not to dictate. There will never be easy answers. Trying to take shortcuts or relying on them to give me the answer will not help me to grow. I have to put aside the doubts, learn to listen to my heart, my intuition, and put my foot forward, not back. Only then will I be confident enough in myself to truly learn my lessons, and then internally, take stock in what I've become and be truly happy.

I've mentioned in a previous post about how I believed I had a duality of thought, emotion vs. logic. While in some aspects I still believe that is true, I also believe that I use both simultaneously, but that the main issue is my tendency towards extremes. I have many times believed I had achieved balance, but found out later that I had just gone to one end of the spectrum of the extremes, being emotional, or being logical. To be truly balanced, the emotion and logic must be used together, in equal measure, and while there may be exceptions, for many circumstances I encounter, there is no need to think only logically, or only emotionally. I have allowed myself on countless occasions to let the emotions of a situation to overwhelm me, thereby forgetting logic, and to a lesser degree, there have been occasions when the same has happened in reverse. Some things that happened quite recently allowed me to see this very clearly, I let my emotions get completely out of control, and as a direct result, I did some things that can only be described as stupid and completely crazy. For some time afterwards I was severely depressed, and down on myself, thinking I had let several of my friends down. All I could think was "Will they ever forgive me? What must they think of me now?" Then the thought struck me that the only person who needed to forgive me was myself. My friends, while they may have been disappointed, probably didn't spend half the time that I did worrying, they didn't dwell on it, they did like most people do, they let it remain in the past, and moved on with their lives. This time, instead of being ashamed of myself, wallowing in the emotion, and therefore not learning anything, I decided to pick myself up, shake it off, and really see what caused me to act in such a way. Learn from my mistakes. I think the saying that rings true to me the most is the one that says "Insanity(or Foolishness): doing the same thing (or making the same mistakes) over and over again, and expecting different results". That's the reason I didn't learn from those mistakes, I wasn't really seeing them as "mistakes", I figured the situations were different, how could the outcome possibly be the same? But they were. I was so wrapped up in the emotions of feeling bad about myself that I couldn't see the reasons I was making the same mistakes over again. To look at the root cause, and fix that, I finally can move past them, and learn something about myself. Because that's what this journey of life is all about, self discovery, and growth.

I know I may have repeated myself a bit here, thank you for bearing with me, this is how I help myself process what I've learned. As this new year dawns, I look forward to learning even more, this time I embrace the change, because I know when this day comes around in 2011, I will be more than I am today.

This is a test, take 2

I finally figured out what to do, I got the info pasted into the myfreecopyright.com page, and they did send me the verification emails, so now both of my blogs are copyrighted. Go to their page if you haven't copyrighted yours yet, it's really easy, and it will give you peace of mind knowing that your works are registered as belonging to you, should anyone steal them and claim they are their own.

This is a test....

I've been trying to add a copyright to this blog, and this is a test post to see if it "took", you can never be too careful these days.....

Haven't been writing....again

Hey folks, hope everyone's doing well tonight.......

I haven't been writing again, and all I can say is that I haven't felt like it. I've said several times in former posts that I wanted to write every day, but I never seem to be able to find the words to put on "paper". I'm just going to say now that I'm just going to write whenever I feel I need to, because that's what I do anyway, no matter what I might have said a week ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. My goal I think in writing should be one that is not only attainable, but is something that doesn't feel like a "goal" per se, but more of a lifestyle. Or at least something that becomes a part of a lifestyle. All I really want to do is get my thoughts out, in a permanent form, and I want to write a book, several in fact, all that's needed is the motivation.

See, this year has been especially difficult for me, but yet at the same time it's been one of the most memorable and wonderful years of my life at the same time. How? Well, for starters, and this is the "Reader's Digest" version, I left my wife, moved in with some friends of mine an hour away, got a new job, and basically tried to start a new life, living more or less on my own for the first time in my life. Every aspect of my life changed, but then some things stayed the same, like the way I thought, my mind, most of that didn't change much at all until recently. It's been difficult to be away from my daughters, and to see them only on occasion, and when I do, to see how my absence has affected their psyche, and to see the changes in them due to the influence of their mother and grandmother, I don't know, I just feel like I'm losing them. I know they still love me, but more and more now I see that they are getting used to me being gone, and they are not the same as I remember them. It's almost like sometimes they are happy I'm gone. My oldest cries every time I leave to come back here, but as far as the other two, I don't know, it could be that their minds are being poisoned by their mother, who of course is not happy with me, and so then too neither is their grandmother. But I'm not there to see it, I really don't know what they're telling them. So I can't pass judgement. Well yes I can, I know them well enough to know that they ARE in fact telling the girls about how "bad" I am, or maybe how "worthless", who knows? Anyway it just bothers me to think that my girls might not want to have anything to do with me because I'm not there, but more than that, I worry that I'm missing out on them growing up, missing out on moments that will never come again.

That's the difficult part, but there is a wonderful and memorable part, and that's the internal shakeup that has happened directly because I'm on my own. Many things about my way of thinking have changed, the way I view just about every aspect of my life has been affected in some way with this lifestyle change, and I'm loving it. I feel more alive, like I can do anything, but more than that, I feel the freedom to do anything I set my mind to, with no restrictions from anyone else to tie me down, and keep me from being successful. Things are going well at work, and soon I hope to attain one of my goals, which is to become part of the stock crew. Away from work, I've developed a few new friendships, and become even closer with a few I already had, and I've also been able to curb my obsessions, I've started to learn some control, and I couldn't be happier.

A few of my goals for the coming months are to further develop my new thought process, and to make strides in the aspect of my trying to look for explanations for everything, that's something I need to do a lot less. Sometimes things defy explanation, and I need to work on not always assuming that there MUST be a reason for every little thing that happens. It's the double edged sword of my emotional/analytical brain, first I feel about things, then I try to work out why a particular circumstance happened, and then come up with a likely scenario to follow. It's just the way this brain works folks, don't ask me where it came from. I just know that a little more flexibility would do me wonders. Just because my brain processes information into neat little boxes, that doesn't mean that the rest of the universe can and should be contained as such.

Well that's enough for one night, I'll see everyone again soon, when I will start posting the 30 Days of Truth posts again, I haven't done that in a week or so now. I hope everyone had a great Christmas, and I will talk to you soon!

How I think......Men vs. Women

Hi folks, I hope everyone's Winter Solstice/Lunar Eclipse night went well :)

I've been away from blogging again, and this time all I can say is that I just didn't feel like writing about what I was thinking. As is the norm, I've been going over and over in my mind things that are happening, gaining fresh perspectives, and in the case of recent events, gaining a completely new thought process.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever written about, because it will expose what goes on in my mind, the part of me that no one else but me can see, and I guess that makes me feel a little vulnerable, I don't know if I want anyone to see those parts of me, my innermost thoughts, because I don't want to look like some kind of freak. But I'd rather get it out than to try to cover it up, it's too big of a deal to me, and if I don't write about it, it's just going to eat at me until I do, so here goes.......

For as long as I can remember, at least since I was pubescent, I have always treated women differently in my thoughts than I did men. I don't know if it is partially due to genetic programming, or my upbringing, but regardless of the reasons, when I interact with a woman, or think about a woman, my thoughts are completely different than they are about men. I mentioned in a post not too long ago about the duality of my thoughts, and that's when it hit me, in addition to having a few discussions with a few friends. It's not a duality of thought, it's a completely different thought process between the sexes. With men, I feel little in the way of emotions, I care little for how they take what I say or do, I figure "it's a dude, he can handle it". I can be talking to a man, stranger or friend, and I'm completely logical, with very little in the way of an emotional filter, I don't base my thoughts or actions in the fear of how he will feel about me. But have a woman, any woman, walk up and start conversing with me, and it's like someone flipped a switch, I become a completely different person. All of a sudden, here comes the emotion, I care very deeply about what she thinks, my whole persona changes. My friend at work described it as me turning into a pushover, or "doormat", and my thought was "wet noodle". It's complicated but yet so simple. The thoughts are hard to describe, and since I've done it for so long, it's become "normal" for me, it never even entered my mind that all men don't think the same way when it involves the opposite sex. I even had the idea that I "love" all women, and apparently that was nothing more than my deep rooted concern for women to like me, even love me, every one of them that I interacted with I would be silently sizing up for compatibility. Every single one, and it didn't matter if they were single, married, older, younger, nothing changed the thought process, all I could do is see them as a potential mate. Granted, there are exceptions, but you get the idea. Imagine living your life where every member of the opposite sex is sized up for opportunities to make them your mate, every interaction is processed with intricate detail, every nuance of body language and conversation is analyzed with excruciating precision to wring every last ounce of emotional signals from it, some of it done unconsciously, but most of it consciously, to ensure that this particular person likes you and the interaction goes well. That's the gist of it, every single time, every woman, no one is left out, and up until about a week ago I didn't even realize I was doing it.

Think about men, think one way. Think about women, and it's almost like I am a different person. That's who I am. Two extremes, with no balance. As you can imagine, having that thought process also means that all the people I consider to be my closest friends are women, not men. There's just no emotional attachment to men. And to treat a woman like she's "one of the guys"? Never. I can't do it. All the emotion is on one side, with women, and the men get little to none, only logic, effect follows cause, and therein lies my solution to this problem.

All I have to do is balance the equation, to see everyone in my mind equally, regardless of gender. It's really simple "on paper". In practice, I've found it a little more difficult. I have told myself countless times already to treat everyone the same, and even gone so far as to try to see if I could think about the women as if they were men, and it's having an effect. I'm seeing how the thought process makes my actions and what I say completely different, I'm learning to allay any fears of what someone thinks, I'm losing that thought process of worry, the constant craving for female attention. If it really doesn't matter what someone else thinks of me, if everyone is treated the same in my basic thought processes, then I can finally be free to be my true self to everyone. Up until now, only the men got to see that. I was really that worried, my thoughts were so ingrained to that mentality that most if not all women have never truly met "Me". And that's also why I'm finding this subject so hard to write about, I'm worried that once the women know how I've thought in my mind, that they will hate me, and see me as some kind of pervert or something. That's not who I am, and I needn't worry, but the thoughts creep in nonetheless.

So to put it all together, I know now what has been my achilles heel. I know why I do what I do, I know what makes me "tick". My personal interactions have always baffled me, I could never get a grip on why I did some of the insane things I did that defied logic, and now I know why, it's because there was no logic to be found when it came to thinking about and interacting with women. All the emotion was on their "side", all the logic on the side with the men. To give myself balance, I need to therefore put both together with all people, with no segregation, and I have made conscious efforts to do just that. It won't change overnight, but with practice I'm confident I will emerge a different person altogether, more secure, and most importantly, more balanced. I'm giving men more emotional consideration, and women more logic.

The way I've presented this is not completely the way it all works in my mind, I can't really explain all the specifics, but this has been the condensed version of the process as it works. There have been many instances where I have used emotional thinking with men, and logical thinking with women, but for the vast majority of time, it's been like I've said here. I don't know how I'll come out in the end, but as the saying goes, "the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes".

I'm still alive, thankfully

Well I can't believe it's been 4 days since I last posted, but I guess it has.......

The 30 days posts will continue, but today I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive, I had a bit of an accident over the weekend though, with the weather the way it was. I lost control of my car traveling down the interstate in the snow, and ended up in the ditch in the center median. I'm fine, no injuries, and the only damage my car suffered was a bent wheel. I even managed to pull myself out and continue on unaided, which I consider to be a miracle.

So all I have to say right now is for everyone to please drive carefully, and be safe as you go and visit your loved ones this holiday season. I'll return to the 30 days posts soon, but right now I have some things going on and I'm just not in the right state of mind to post them. I want to talk about what's going on with me, but right now I'm not in the right mind to do that either, but soon, I promise.

Talk to you soon everyone :)

30 days of truth, day 11

Something people seem to compliment you on the most.......

This one is difficult to say, as I really don't get complimented all that much. On occasion, I have been told I have nice eyes. When I do get compliments, they are usually about my personality, and when I was in tech school, one of my classmates complimented me on my writing, a speech I was making actually, she said "you pull them (the words) right out of heaven". High praise indeed. Anyway, most of the time I don't get compliments, not on physical attributes, so I don't have much to say about this one......

30 Days of Truth, Day 10

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.......

Well here we go, yet another foray into the "so and so did this to me, and I need to deal with it" progression these posts seem to be about. Honestly, this is getting pretty tedious, because I have no one in OR out of my life that should not be there, no matter how much I may or may not like it, or them, for that matter. Granted, everyone has people in their lives that they don't get along with, or that person that seems to suck the life right out of you, but to me that's just life, everyone is on a different path all their own. So assuming that someone should be let go, or wishing I didn't know someone is just alien to me, I can't understand why that would even be a question. Then again, if suppose I was associating with people who were not doing me any good, those that were leading me down a path to self destruction or some illegal activity, well, then those people might need to go. I guess the meaning of this question or statement depends a lot on one's current situation, and for me, right now, this minute, I can't think of anyone in my life that deserves to be released.

30 Days of Truth, Day 8, and Day 9

Well, I missed again yesterday, but it was payday, and I had a lot to do. So, I'm doubling up again.....

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit......

There was one person I can remember who treated me very badly, even though I did nothing to him, and that was a guy I used to work with. He basically treated everybody badly though, so it didn't hurt my feelings too badly. The guy just didn't like people I guess, and preferred to do without friends. It was a shame too, because he was a really good technician and could have taught everyone a lot.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.......

I feel like everyone who is in my life right now is supposed to be here, and everyone who is not, well, is not. So, those that may have "drifted" did so because their purpose in my life was finished, even though I may not have seen it that way at the time. Or, maybe I did, and that was why I let them drift, I don't know. Anyway, one person who I would have said this about is back in my life, so this no longer applies.....

30 Days of Truth, Day 6, and Day 7

I got lazy yesterday and spent a lot of time just laying around, and I didn't post my Day 6, so I'm doubling up today.

Something you hope you never have to do.......

The one thing that I hope I never have to do is to bury one of my daughters. I just don't know if I could handle losing one of them. I can't even imagine seeing them laying in the coffin, it's just too terrible of an image. I have no idea how I would deal with that situation, and I don't want to speculate until I actually get there, and I sincerely hope I never will.......


Someone who has made your life worth living for.....

There are lots of people in my life worth living for, literally all of them. There wouldn't be a reason to have them in my life if it wasn't worth living, life to me is about interacting with other people, that way we can all learn and grow, through watching and talking and listening. Sure, there are some people that I want in my life every single day, and never want to go a day without, but everyone that is in my life is worth living for. They are here to teach me, to help me to accomplish what I'm here to do, or, maybe I'm in their life to serve that purpose for them. Either way, I enjoy having this life, and the people that are in it. 

30 Days of Truth, Day 5

Something you hope to do in your life.......

I could probably write a book on everything I hope to do in my life, there's so much out there to do!

One of my immediate goals is to learn to play the cello, and I'd like to be able to master it. It's a burning desire I have right now, which is weird to me, because I don't think I've ever had a burning desire for anything before. It's like my life depends on me learning to play a cello. Not as in "I'll die" if I don't, but I mean, I have a feeling it's about someone I will not meet if I am not a cello player, or places I won't end up going. It's like the proverbial fork in the road, one path will lead my life in one direction, and the cello will lead me in another, completely wonderful direction. So, when I can afford to buy one, I'm doing it, and I'm sure I'll find out later on where it will lead me.

The other thing that sticks out in my mind is something I read last night about being a "healer". I've never wanted to be a healer, and yet I have the ability to be one. It's like the video game, you never want to be the healer, you want to be the guy in the party that's out front, kicking all the butt, not the guy who hangs out in back because he's weak and can only cast healing spells on his much more robust and manly comrades, it's just so undignified. I know how ridiculous that sounds for real life, but that's the analogy that plays out in my head. I don't want to be the weak one who is just there to heal others, I want to be the one kicking the bad guys butt, hard. I know for a fact that me being a healer won't involve healing bodies though, medical things have never been something I have been comfortable dealing with, at least not to do for a job. I can deal with it, it's not that, the sight of blood doesn't make me squeamish or anything, it's just not my "thing".

I think rather I am meant to be a healer of minds, a sort of psychiatrist, but deeper than just the mind, more like the soul. I can't explain the thought precisely, but it's like making order out of chaos. So, while for so long I denied and fought against my "calling", and oh yeah, I've heard the call many times and just ignored it, now I've decided to embrace my role, and start healing people like I am able to do. I'm not talking necessarily going out and getting a job doing it, I mean just doing it with people I come in contact with, those I work with, people I meet online, they are in my life for a reason, and sometimes that reason might be to help them heal.

One other thing I'd like to do in my life is to find financial freedom, have a vocation that pays well enough that I'm not living paycheck to paycheck like I do now. I feel like that's coming in the future as well, if I continue to follow my path and listen to the signs I'm given as I go along. I'm here in this life for a reason, to learn and to grow, and with that growth will come good things. I think that resisting that growth, and not learning, that's what causes problems, it causes life to get bogged down in stale, useless energy. That takes a lot to work out of, and I don't want to do that anymore, I can remember several times in my life when that's exactly what was happening. The only constant in the universe is change, so change is to be embraced, and ridden like a wave, it's the ride, not the destination that's important.

Rachel, this one's for you.....

I have been challenged by a blogger friend to write a 100 percent honest blog post, so, Rachel, here goes....

I feel I have been remiss in some of posts, I have censored myself too much. I just wrote in my "30 days" post about my parents, and in that post, I wrote from the "script", like I always do. I censor what I write to make it easy to read, to make it sound good, whatever the case may be. This isn't going to be like that, so, read on, if you dare......

What I didn't say in that post is what pain I felt from certain things they did do to me, that no manner of rationalization about it being the way I reacted to it will make me feel any different. Some of it traumatized me so badly that I am still affected by it today. And to make things worse, my parents act like it didn't happen, and tell me that I remember some weird shit, that my life wasn't like that. So rubbing shitty underwear in a kid's face when he's 5 and had an accident is something he just made up? Yeah, I'm sure lots of little kids do that. And do you know why she got mad at me and did that? Because she said that I did that on purpose, I shit my pants because I wanted attention, it wasn't that they didn't get me to a bathroom in time. No, of course not. I don't why she would have thought that, because I was too scared of her to do anything like that on purpose, it seemed like Mom and Dad both were always mad at me for something that I did. I was scared almost the whole time I was a kid, I enjoyed going to school because it got me away from the constant stress of what I was going to get in trouble for next. I've mentioned recently how she got mad at me for breathing wrong once, so you can imagine the myriad of other things she could come up with that I wasn't doing right. I've never told anyone this, but I still feel scared just talking to them sometimes, for fear that they will light into me about something I've said, and I guarantee that they are a large part of why I am so deathly afraid to be involved or around any type of conflict. I saw plenty of conflict at home, but it wasn't between two people, like a fight, no, it was between me and my mom and dad, mostly my mom, me being scared of what she'd do to me if I even moved, or breathed around her. I know everyone has heard of the term "walking on eggshells", but I really did it, every day, at home. I was that scared. I don't know how to explain it any other way. It hurt to be scared all the time, and to have to tell my friends at school that I couldn't do things with them outside of school, because I knew full well when I asked my mom if I could that she'd say no. She always did, it never failed, and I got in trouble several times just for asking, as if I should not want to be with anyone that wasn't going to a church function.

And that's another thing. The church thing. I was forced to go, every Sunday, and then after, when we were sitting down at the table to eat lunch, I (and my siblings) had to more or less explain in excruciating detail the sermon that was presented that day and then say what it meant to us. Oh and don't be the one that didn't remember what the sermon was about, or there was hell to pay. Not so much in physical abuse, Mom and Dad didn't do much hitting, not constantly anyway, but the yelling and the angry looks were enough to scare me to death. I did get kicked into a cabinet one day, and rapped in the head a lot, and spanked a lot. Anyway, the stress on Sunday afternoons was almost unbearable, I could never remember everything I was supposed to, and I swear I'm surprised I didn't die of a heart attack at some point because I spent the majority of my childhood with it practically beating out of my chest for fear of getting in trouble. I was always scared, and yet my mom wonders why I didn't "want" her affection. What the hell did she think I saw from her? A loving mom who wanted to cuddle me? No way!! What I saw was a mean, angry woman who was out to get me, who saw me as a nuisance, and someone who didn't do anything right, so, of course I stayed the hell away from her as much as I could. What the hell else do you do with someone you're scared to death of?

I could sit here and bitch all day, and moan about how bad my life was, but that still wouldn't take away the pain that I feel now for having missed out on this fictional affectionate mother. I just don't see her being that way, and that hurts me more. She says it was me, and maybe it was, in a way, since I've never told her how scared I was of her. But some of the blame has to go to her, because she was the adult, and should not have treated her children that way. Either way it still affects me today, I get scared in any situation where tempers are flaring, or there is potential conflict, and that's the reason why. I learned it at home, from a very early age, that if someone was angry it was time to be scared, because I was going to get it. There, I said it. I'm a scaredy cat. Of course I don't always run away and hide in a corner, but trust me, inside, I'm petrified a lot of the time, most times for no reason, it's just the way I was trained.

I'll tell you something Rachel, yeah, this did help. But not the way you may have thought. I never thought about why I feel so nervous in conflict situations, and now it makes so much sense, because I wrote this I figured it out. So thank you for challenging me to write completely honestly, because it DID help. :)

30 Days of Truth, Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for.....

I just don't know what to say to this one. One thing I have never done was to hold a grudge, so there's nothing I can think of from the past or present even that someone did that would cause me to have to forgive them now.


It's my understanding that these "30 Days" are an exercise in getting down to the depths of your soul, so you can help yourself to heal old wounds, and maybe learn more about yourself. Of course that doesn't mean you'll have all the wounds that this is supposed to expose. I have to say though, I bet if I thought about it long enough, I'd find someone who was in my life at some point that I'd have to forgive. So far though, nothing's coming to mind.

There was a time in my life that I would have said that I'd have to forgive my parents. They were very strict, and I was afforded few freedoms. For a long long time I was bitter and I hated them for the way they raised me, I felt like I missed out on a lot. I hated the fact that I didn't have any girlfriends because they didn't buy me the "cool" clothes, and that I couldn't ask a girl out on a proper date. They didn't let me socialize at all with my peers, unless it was something to do with church. They didn't watch sports on tv, so I missed out on a lot of great stuff that I felt like I should have seen. That may seem minor to some, but after I left home and I began to watch those sports myself, I really felt cheated. So many great games, so many iconic players, and I didn't get to watch them as they played out "live". I never got to watch the Super Bowl, the Daytona 500, nothing. Well, except for the Olympics. That was it as far as sports were concerned.

Anyway for a long time after I left home I felt like my parents were to blame for everything that was wrong with my life, my social ineptitude, my lack of common everyday knowledge, everything. Then I slowly began to realize that most of my issues were with the way I reacted to what they presented me. It was my fault, not theirs. I could have tried to see how they were feeling, and taken better care not to be so selfish. I could have paid attention more to the things that mattered, rather than being wrapped up in what I wanted and what I wasn't getting. Because that was the whole issue. It wasn't them, it was me. What would it have taken to ask my mother about watching sports, without coming across like it had to happen my way. That's it. Just sit down, and try to discuss it, and not be so god awful selfish to not see their side. Because that's what I did.

So do I have to forgive someone for something? No, I don't, because I don't take anything personally, I don't feel the pain of someone's harsh remarks, or see things they do as hurtful towards me. I chose to think that way about my parents, and everyone else for that matter, in my youth, but I've learned since then that being hurt is a choice, and I don't choose to feel like I've been hurt. So, no one, and I mean no one, can hurt my feelings. Someone can say something to me, but I choose how to react. They don't "make" me feel bad or good, I do. And I choose to not feel bad, about anything anyone says, or does.

That way, in reality, the only person I ever have to forgive is myself.

30 Days of Truth, Day 3

Something you have to forgive yourself for......

The truth? I've been thinking a lot about this one, for several days, even though I said I would post these without thinking about them before hand.

I really don't know. I don't know what I need to forgive myself for. I've been tossing around some ideas, but nothing comes to the forefront, but then I think that's what this is about. There's a lot of things I've buried deep inside, things that I don't want to face, things that make me feel like I'm less than everyone else. And maybe that's what I need to forgive myself for, for being so hard on myself. I've had a problem for most of my life, for probably as long as I can remember, I compare myself to everyone else, and always find myself to be inferior in one way or another. I compare my looks, I compare my life, my situation, even day to day activities. It's pretty intense, and at times it becomes all encompassing, feeding feelings of jealousy and then it wreaks havoc on my self esteem. I want so bad to be like other people, to have a life like they do, or to be like them. I can't explain the rush of fear I get when I see that there's something I may have missed out on, or I perceive a problem with something about my life when compared to someone else's. It all boils down to what I think others perceive about me, how they see me, and what's going on in my life. While I have made a lot of progress in the area of self image, there are still deep seeded thoughts of inadequacy that cause me to worry that what I look like, what I'm feeling, or what I'm doing aren't good enough for someone else. I've learned that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, and that I'm fine just the way I am, but that little voice in my head still likes to tell me that somehow I'm flawed, and that people won't or don't like me because of it. Every little thing, every nuance of behavior, that's the stuff that really gets me worried. I ask myself how people will take what I say and do, so instead of thinking and saying what "I" want to say, I filter my reactions and responses to those that I think will be most socially acceptable, I actually try to think with other people's brains instead of my own.

So, what this boils down to is that I need to forgive myself for being so judgmental, and for comparing myself so harshly. There's no need to make comparisons. Making comparisons all my life has caused me to have a constant need for validation, I want to know that people like who I am and the things that I do. The truth is, the only person who HAS to like me is ME. What's ironic about it is that when "I" like me, then others will see that, and they'll like me too. That takes NO intervention on my part whatsoever, all I have to do is to be ME, so in fact, I have little or nothing to be worried about.

So, Self, you're forgiven. I know how hard it is to realize that you don't need validation, and you're fine just the way you are. All those years you compared yourself to others, and at times still do, all the pain you cause yourself, it's ok, all of this is part of the learning process, and you'll come out of it more complete, you'll be more "whole". So don't beat yourself up so bad, there's nothing wrong with you, and it's ok to feel these things, how else do you think you will grow? Give yourself time, because growth is a slow process, it doesn't happen overnight.

30 Days of Truth, Day 2

Something I love about myself.....

I already chronicled yesterday about how I feel about my emotional side, which is one thing I love about myself, mainly because it helps me to relate to other people better. So, for this one, I'm going to say that another something I love about myself is my intellect.

Ever since I was a child, I was told that I was the "smart" one, and I had a pretty good idea that I was, I mean for most of my childhood, schoolwork came easy for me. It wasn't till I became an adult that I took an IQ test online and found out that it (my IQ) is around 150. That's pretty good, not a genius or anything, but the reason I love that about myself is because it gives me the ability to learn just about anything I put my mind to, and in quick fashion. I've learned a lot of different and very useful things in my lifetime, and I have a large database of knowledge on lots of different types of equipment. I can diagnose the problem on almost any type of mechanical or electrical device, and fix them, and I enjoy the challenge of fixing things I've never worked on before. One of my favorite things to do is to take apart laptops and repair them, and I'd love to be doing that for a living, with my own business.

Coupling this intellect with my strong emotional side results in me having a sort of duality to my personality, a unique blend of knowledge and feeling that enables me to relate to others very well, and I appreciate that about myself a lot. Knowing what to do, and feeling the need to do are two entirely different things, and I feel like having this duality helps me to better determine what I need to do and say in my interactions with other people.

So to sum it all up, I love being me, and I'm sure glad I do, because as the saying goes, "Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken".

30 days of truth, day 1

A lot of people have posted this "30 days of Truth" in their blogs, and I feel like I should do it too, without first thinking them over, like I often do with a lot of my posts. I usually plan ahead, get my thoughts together, before I write, but I'm not going to with this, I just going to write what comes to mind on the day I write them. So, without further ado, here's Day 1.

Something I hate about myself......

If this is to be a completely honest and truthful series, then I have to be completely honest with myself here, and not write what I tell myself is true, but actually reach inside, to my subconscious mind, and wrench out into the open what my REAL feelings and thoughts are about the subject matter.

When I first saw what this question asked, I thought to myself, "Self, there's nothing you hate about you, you're a pretty well rounded individual these days, and you feel like everything about you is good. That post will be short, and easy. You'll just say that everything about you is great, nothing is worthy of hatred, because it's what makes you "you"."

But then, from the depths of my conscious mind, a thought, always kept under tight guard so it doesn't escape, creeps to the surface, and it's this.

I hate being so emotional. I want so bad some days to shut it all off, to stop "feeling", for just one day, to stop being the person that filters almost every single thought through a gigantic emotional filter. Why do I have to "feel" about something before I add logic and practicality, before I add common sense? I know everyone has emotions, everyone at some point feels love, anger, jealousy, sadness, happiness, joy, all of these, but me? There isn't a day that goes by that at some point I feel them all, sometimes going swiftly from one extreme to the other, in the same moment even.

I understand that there is nothing wrong with being emotional, I get this. It's part of who I am, I was more or less born this way. Being a triple water (Cancer sun sign, Scorpio moon sign, Pisces rising sign) tends to make a person that way, but that doesn't mean I necessarily have to like it. Much of my life has been an exercise in emotional behavior, I've had irrational fears, rational fears, and fears that have yet to be explained or defined. I've had bouts of anger that bordered on the psychotic, and I've felt deep dark hatred for others, including myself, for one reason or another, I've often felt like a complete loser who will never amount to anything. I've had feelings of concern and empathy towards others, I've felt love on a cosmic scale, a type most people never get to experience, and I've felt love that I thought was on a cosmic scale that turned out to be nothing but infatuation. I've felt the greatest sadness a person can imagine that had me sobbing for hours, and I've felt joy that some have only imagined, that also brought me to tears.

Wait a minute, do I REALLY hate this? Do I hate being able to feel all of this? Many of these emotions I wouldn't trade for anything, I WANT to feel, to sense, because that's the other thing, with such strong emotions of my own, I am able to feel them in others, even if they are not showing them on the outside. I can relate to how other people are feeling, in many different situations, because with these emotions, I can easily put myself in other people's shoes.

And there's the paradox, because having the ability to experience all of those emotions, and use their energy to help and comfort and empathize with others, is the most wonderful gift I could have ever been blessed with. At the same time I hate being so emotional, I love it as well, because of what it allows me to do for my fellow man. And, it allows me to learn to control the volatility of emotions in their rawest and often strongest form. No one can be a functional member of society without learning to control themselves. Having these emotions and using them wisely also gives me a sense of self worth that only comes with the realization that they are a priceless gift, one not to be squandered. So all that talk about hating myself for being emotional? Yeah, I do, some days, when I forget that I am supposed to be emotional, it's what makes me who I am, and there's nobody else I'd rather be.

So, what IS it that I hate about myself?

I hate that there aren't more emotions inside me to experience.

Wednesday night at work, and, I have some calls to make

Hi folks, hope your morning is going well :)

Last night at work went well, nothing unusual to report on that front. Buffed the floor, it came out pretty nice, and I was satisfied with the work I did. I'd liked to have worked some freight, but there were enough of the regular stockers there so I wasn't called upon to help. Maybe tomorrow night lol.

I've got to call my mother today, and my dad too, it's a long story, but they don't live in the same house at the moment. Let's just call it a very long process of moving. My dad at the house in Delaware, my mom at the new one in Arizona. She doesn't tolerate the weather in Delaware very well, so she's left Dad up there to clean up the place and get it ready to sell. He's just taking a long time to do it. Over 5 YEARS now, if I remember correctly. It's just that he doesn't want to get rid of anything, and he can't take it all with him to the new house, it's smaller, and plus, my Mom refuses to have the clutter he collected there in Delaware to follow them to Arizona. So, one day when he's finally done hanging on to it, and wants to go ahead and move on, he'll get his butt to Arizona.

Anyway, the reason I mention the fact that I have to call them is because it's a big deal for me. We have never been "close", at least not in the definition most people put to it. We're the type of family that the term "no news is good news" was written for. I don't speak with either my mom or dad very often, only a half a dozen times a year at best, so when it comes time to make a call, it's kind of a big deal. Especially when Mom called me the day after Thanksgiving and left a voicemail asking me to call her. See, she nor Dad ever call me, unless something bad happened. It's always me calling them first. Like last time I heard from Dad, it was for him to tell me that my Uncle Eugene had died. This was a man I never met, but since he was family, Dad thought it was important to tell me he had died. I was glad he did, because I had really wanted to meet him, and his family, and Dad told me all kinds of things about them, and what went on at the funeral, and it was good, it was nice to talk to him for a while. Dad and Eugene had a falling out years ago, which is why I never had a chance to meet him, but it seems most of the issue was with his wife, she for some reason didn't like my parents, and so they never spoke, for years. Apparently after they divorced several years back, Eugene started having regular contact with Dad again, and things got better. Right before he died, Dad told me he went to visit him in the hospital, and they cleared the air so to speak, and reconciled, so Dad had a sense of completion and was ok when his brother passed a few days later.

But back to my original point. My parents and I have not spoken much since I left home, and I doubt we ever will be "close", and I wonder sometimes if maybe I am partially to blame for it. I don't go out of my way to call, or email, or even message them on Facebook, which would be extraordinarily easy. I think in a lot of ways it's because I don't WANT them to know what I'm doing. And beyond that, I feel weird talking to my parents to be honest. It's like they aren't really my parents. I never felt like I got the love and affection I saw other children getting from their mothers, and while my father and I got along well, and he taught me a lot, there was a side to him that I tried very hard to stay away from, and that was his "angry" side. If he was tired, or Mom was on his case, or worse, if she told him about something we kids did wrong, well, he became a monster, got very angry, and I feared for my life on more than one occasion. We got spanked a lot, knocked around, and just generally made to feel like we had just done the worst possible sin on the planet. For me, it was sheer terror, and for much of my childhood, I walked on eggshells around both he and Mom, for fear of what they'd get angry about next. Mom basically thought I didn't do anything right. She actually told me one time that I was breathing wrong. I mean really? Breathing wrong? But that's how bad it was. She was always on me about something, my grades not being straight A's, the way I walked, the way I talked, why didn't I do this, go do that, it was constant, and she never seemed to be happy with the results of anything I did. Nothing was good enough, I could never live up to her standards, so it will come as no surprise then that even now I don't like to discuss my life with her, or Dad.

Parents are supposed to be supportive of their children, not be their taskmasters. I've learned this since I left home. Because while I was there, the only thing that it seemed to me that people had children for was to do all the chores around the house, and basically to have someone they can boss around. THAT was the relationship I had with MY parents. Now that I am an adult, and after a period of being bitter against them when I first left home, I realized a lot of my problem was in the way I reacted to what they did. Sure, they were not supportive, or should I say, they were not supportive in the way I would have liked for them to be, but they did the best they could with what they had, and I was never in a position to be wanting for anything. There WERE lots of good times, some happy memories, but for the most part, my mind has had a tendency to remember the bad stuff, like that was the only thing that happened. Sure, my parents weren't perfect, I was not always happy, but who is? Maybe, just maybe, they WERE supportive, and I just didn't see it, because I was too busy wallowing in self pity because I didn't get the support the way "I" wished to receive it.

So, it's time to forget the past, I need to get in touch with them, and speak to them more often. Besides, if history is any indication, they don't have a lot of time left. My family (on either side) is not known for their longevity, most don't make it past their 70's, and both of my parents are well into their 60's. So if I don't start having a better relationship with them now, I may never get the chance. I always joke that I'm middle aged for my family, I'm going to be 40 next year, so actually I may be a little older than that even lol.

To sum this all up folks, today I intend to talk to both Mom AND Dad, and then start making it a regular habit, if for nothing else to just start communicating more. We can't have a relationship if we don't communicate. Wish me luck, thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you soon :)

Dear Blog-ary, Take 2

There was a post I wrote some time ago, about me writing in my blog on a daily basis, sort of like a diary, and then, I didn't do it.

So here's Take 2.

I just got home from work, and I had to do the job of 2 people last night, as there were only 2 of the crew there, counting me lol, and I think I must have touched every tile in the store at least once, what a night.....

The last few days I've been in some kind of a mood, it started about halfway through Saturday, and continued till about halfway through my shift last night, I think I was feeling lonely or something. One minute I was fine, cheerful even, and the next, I was down, and out of sorts. Not so much depressed or sad, just...down. It's definitely the time of year for it, but for it to come out of the blue like it did kinda took me off guard. There are still aspects of my emotional nature that I have yet to learn how to control, and that is one of them, learning to recognize my mood changes for what they are, and to not let them overwhelm me.

What are they? My mood changes to me are affected by a lot of things. One thing I find that has a particularly strong influence is the phase the moon is in, and also what sign of the zodiac it is passing through on that particular day. A full moon is another story altogether. Sometimes my mood is way up, other times it's way down, but you can bet if the moon is full I am going to be in a mood that fits either extreme. Another thing is physical factors, biochemistry to be exact. They say you are what you eat, so if I don't eat well for a few days things change in my body and can affect my mental state. Another thing is lack of sleep, or a constantly changing sleep schedule, both of which I put my body through on numerous occasions. One thing is clear, and that is, if I want to be in control of myself, body and soul, then I need to make sure I eat well, and get the proper rest. So I'm working on being more mindful of that in the future.

The other thing that is news in my life at the moment is my desire to learn to play the cello. Yup, you read that right, I want to learn to play the cello. I have no reason I can give other than I really enjoy the sound it makes, and for some reason I have this feeling that my life as a whole depends on me learning it. It's like a lust in my body, I can't stop thinking about it, and I hear cello music in my head all the time. If you've not heard the song "Secrets" by the group One Republic, then click the link there and you'll hear what's been playing in my head constantly since about a week ago when I first heard the song. What's even stranger than that, I was watching the movie "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" last night, and guess what song is the main "theme" song for that movie? Yeah, THAT one lol. I find it odd since until a week ago I had not heard the song at all, and then it just pops up out of nowhere while I'm watching a movie? Hmmm. What actually set off this desire was hearing their (One Republic's) song "All the Right Moves" last week, which in reality, you can only hear the cello right at the very end. Very strange. And then, just this morning, I'm driving home, and I saw a high school kid walking to school, and guess what he was carrying? Yup, a cello case. So either the universe is telling me it's time to learn the cello, or I'm just crazy. Personally I take it all as signs pointing me towards acquiring one and beginning to play it, so, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I found a good deal on one on Ebay, and next payday I intend to buy it. So stay tuned for more news on that as it develops.

I finally got my hobby knife set in the mail on Monday, even though on the CSN website it said the expected delivery date was November 26, which was last Friday. Now I don't fault anyone for this, since Thursday was a holiday, and so therefore all shipping was delayed at least a day, most likely two, because of the holiday. I ordered it the Tuesday right before Thanksgiving, so it getting here in 6 days was probably fast actually. Anyway, it's here now, and I love it, all I have to do is put it to use so I can review it here. That should be fun, I've never "officially" done a review of anything before, and I'm not really sure how to go about doing so. But we'll see how it goes.

Oh and on the divorce front: my wife texted me last night and told me she had a "business proposition" for me, and when I spoke to her on my lunch break, she would only say that it had to do with herself and the girls. What that means to me is that she plans to try to convince me it would be a financially prudent move to find a place and move back in together, so we can try to work things out and be a family. What she doesn't understand is that I don't want to work things out, we are not compatible romantically, and I'm done trying with her. She simply doesn't have the capacity to allow me to be "me", and to respect my opinions as valid. There's no going back now. It's over, and the sooner I can get a divorce, the better. I hate that the girls don't have their father around, but I'm still close, only an hour away, and I'm working towards a better life, one that does not include a control freak who has no ability to compromise. Staying together for the sake of the kids is never a good reason to keep maintaining an otherwise impossible relationship. I send her what money I can every payday to help out with the kids, but sooner or later she's going to have to accept that our marriage is over. In her mind however, having a failed marriage makes HER a failure, so she's hanging on for dear life. Nothing I can say or do will change her mind, until I serve her with the papers, and she can see for a fact that there is not going to be any more "us". I know I probably sound pretty cold hearted when I talk about her, but the fact is, this is my life, and I deserve to be happy in my relationships too. For 20 years I was not, and did nothing, but I finally wised up and realized nothing was going to change unless "I" did it. And yes, I do feel bad about hurting her feelings and causing turmoil for my children, but in the long run it will be best for everyone that we divorce. It's either that, or the kids hear their parents yelling at each other every single day because they do not agree, and in my opinion, that is NOT a healthy environment for children to grow up in. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. She cannot and will not allow me to be "ME", and no one deserves to live like that. So it's done.

Anyway, that's most of what's been up with me lately. I did have a pretty nice time on Thanksgiving being with my girls, the shrew was sociable, but she always does that when she's trying to butter me up, so that was no surprise. Later on this week my oldest daughter has a concert she is participating in with her choir, so I'm looking forward to seeing she and her sisters again real soon. One day when I have my own apartment I can have them come and stay with me, but until then I will have to settle for these brief and infrequent visits. They know Daddy still loves them, and they still love me, so for now things will have to do as they are.

Thanks for listening, and hopefully I will start posting daily again, I'm considering doing the "30 Days of Truth" blog posts that everyone has been doing around blogland. I'm thinking of doing them a little differently however, maybe, "30 Days of Perth", where I list the things I find most troublesome about me, the things I know I need to learn more about, or just maybe things that I feel passionate about, things that concern me about people and the world in general. Not sure yet what I'll do, but it's coming.

Have a great day everyone! :)