Imago

Hello there blogland! I haven't seen you in a while, how's it going?

I've been in no mood to write or talk, and life hasn't been all that bad. It's just been different. I mean sure when I last posted there had been a few unusual things going on, but all in all, things that turned out to be not all that bad.

I still haven't found a job, money is still tight, the kids are still kids, I mean life is pretty much the same.

I just haven't felt much like posting, and I still don't. Just not much to say right now. I feel a lot of energy of change, but I always feel that, things are ALWAYS changing. Maybe I'm just in a low point, I don't know, or just a "hey i just don't feel like writing" point. I posted every day there for a bit, so maybe my writing energy got all tapped out, who knows?

All I can say is that I am actively learning and growing, taking advice from people, really listening, instead of just forcing my opinion. It's turning me into a more authentic person, one who is aware of his place in the world.

The shrew and I went to a pastoral counselor tonight. This guy has training in theology and psychology. And that's what he said to me. That I had made a breakthrough when I decided to be less of a compliant person, and be more "authentic", and be myself, with my own opinions. (Mind you I did that years ago) This was a good thing, but that it of course caused trouble with our marriage, in how we got along. Apparently the reason we have issues is that all the unresolved issues from childhood that we have we are looking to get resolved in our spouse. Imago says so. Google that one if you've never heard of it. I hadn't. It's a form of couples therapy. And it makes a lot of sense.


I'm not going to say that talking to this guy is going to save our marriage, because I honestly don't want it saved. I don't want her to change who she is to accommodate me, any more than she wants me to change, or even to change her behavior as this guy had said this therapy would do for the both of us, but at the very least it will help us get along better, and I'm all for getting along.



So, we'll see. Romantically, we are not compatible, our personalities too different, too much going in different directions. But I see no reason we cannot be friends. It's really what we should have been all along, and I was the one that screwed that up by trying to think that I was compatible with her, and acting in such a way that I became so. I was young, and quite naive, but I now know better, and, I've found there may be a way to fix it, and for that, I am happy.

Anyway, nice to see you again, thanks for stopping by. Hope we can chat again soon.

The Universe continues to speak..............

I don't know what is going on, but I think the universe is trying very hard to get me to do something, or learn something, because things are just coming left and right.

Tonight my wife was involved in a wreck, yes, everyone is ok, nothing but minor injuries, but her mom's car was totaled. This just a day after my daughter's unforeseen appendectomy surgery. It wasn't an emergency, which is why I think there is a lesson for me with all of this. No one hurt in the wreck, my daughter not having any real danger with her surgery, I mean people have nearly fatal ruptured appendices all the time. So I should count my blessings right? I am certainly doing that, but as I mentioned, I believe there is a lesson in all of this, and not just about how it could have been worse.

Something I mentioned in my post before all this started, well no, right at the same time it started, with my walk home from Wal-mart, was that I need to do what it takes to get a job. I am extremely frustrated with how things have been for us with me being unemployed, but what I have come to realize is that I have never fought for anything, not even myself. This is what I have been missing. This is a time to fight for what I need, for what I want. To get up and start working hard to accomplish getting my family's basic needs met, and then going on to get what we want for ourselves after that is done. Sounds like something pretty simple, but I have always been one to settle for whatever situation life doled out to me, to not rock the boat. It appears that that strategy may have been incorrect, or at least should not be the case all the time.

Anyway the thing is, without going on and on about how much it hurts, how mad I am, or how much I just want to scream, I will refrain from doing so, and get off my ass and do what I need to do. I'm sorry folks if that means you may not hear from me, as I really hope to still post every day, it helps me to sort out my thoughts, but I feel a strong pull to get away from my computer. I can deny it no longer, and I have been fighting the wrong battle for far too long. I know I've said this before, I'm sure of it. I'm sorry. I'm a stubborn person, I don't like to be wrong. Ever. I'm getting choked up right now thinking of all the time I have wasted. But no. I just can't do that. Being sad and feeling sorry isn't going to make it better. It's time for change.

That being said the time for talk is also over. I have been going in circles with this for months, hell even in this post, it's something I do. I'm not going to say "No More!", or "Tomorrow is the start of a new day!", because I have said those before, but nothing has changed. I'm getting too old too fast, and so are my kids, it's high time I acted like a responsible father and took care of them.

Thanks to everyone who has stood by me, and given me support and advice. Now it's my turn to take action. I hope to chat with you soon, only this time, with better news, maybe even to announce that I got a job.

Update on my daughter

I want to first thank each and every one of you who sent your well wishes and healing energy and kept my family in your thoughts and prayers. My daughter came home this evening and has been doing well.

I really felt the presence of everyone, and felt the healing and calming energies. Never in a situation like this have I ever been so calm, or felt like everything would be just fine.

Thank you all again, and I hope that someday I get to repay the favor.

Please pray for my daughter

Just a quick note folks to inform you that my eldest daughter is going to undergo an appendectomy sometime today, sorry, not sure of the time right at the moment. She went to the ER last night with a fever and feeling ill, with stomach pain, and they did some tests and checked her out and observed her through the night, and have decided she will need to have her appendix removed.

Please pray for her for a speedy recovery, and most of all that she is not scared. This is generally a routine surgery so I am not too apprehensive about that, but more of her well being. I have not been to see her yet, and I am sorta freaking out here, so I know she is too, she is very much like her father. Her mom and grandma took her last night and I stayed home to be able to take the rest of the kids to school this morning, and to pay a bill today. I'm dying to get over there, so if and when I may post with an update may be tomorrow. Anyway thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers, and may everyone have a blessed day.

The Universe Speaks to The Stag Warrior

Tonight is a different night yet again. Well of course it's different, it isn't the same night as last night, or tomorrow night. Tonight I figured out that I need to get in better condition, as the universe told me in the form of a 3 mile walk.

No, it wasn't car trouble. It was the shrew. She took the truck and left me in front of Walmart and told me to walk home. Which I proceeded to do. To make a long story short, wait, no, it's not a long story, I just don't feel like explaining all the details. I got in an argument with her about the dirty looks her coworkers gave me when I went to pick her up, and she decided it was time to go home, and we never even got in the store. I was out of the truck expecting to go walk in, and she got in the driver's side and told me to walk home. Ok so I brought some of it on myself, I should know better than to call her on talking about me in a negative light to her coworkers. She told me she does this by telling me on several occasions now that they can't believe she stays with me. The thing is, I have spoken to some of them, and they know I am not a lazy good for nothing bum, but apparently now, since she is talking so bad about me, they think I am.

Maybe it's true. I know everyone else seems to think so. I don't have a job, and have not had one for more than a year, so it MUST be true that I am a lazy bum. My concentration needs to be focused more on that, and nothing but that, if I truly want to find a job. I've got the inside track on a job at Lowe's, but there is no guarantee on that either, so I really need to get going doing something about this situation. All this time I've been here it's been a lot of talk. I bet you can go back to my very early posts (back on Journey of the Stag Warrior formerly known as Rayden's Rants) and find me talking of looking for a job. But that's all it's been. Talk. Yap yap yap yap. I'm going to find a job, I'm going to look for a job, I'm putting in apps, I'm working on getting a job. How many ways can I say it? I don't know, but I am fed up with being broke, with the ridicule, with the lack of respect for me being a human being, I have just had enough.

A lot of my time and effort are focused elsewhere, here on the internet. I am doing exceedingly well keeping up with facebook, and lately I have posted here in my blogs on a pretty regular basis, so why haven't I been so diligent with job hunting? The answer: I don't really want a job. I am comfortable with my existence. I must be. If I wasn't I would be out there every day knocking on doors, looking online, going to the career center, doing what it takes to find gainful employment. But I'm not. So I must conclude that I don't really want one that bad. How many of you out there wanted to say that to me at some point? How many sat reading my posts saying exactly what I just said up there? I have to conclude that it was quite a few, but you were all too nice to come out and say it to me.

The thing that galls me, that really gets my goat, is that I am not naive. I have been well aware of this fact for months now, literally. I knew I didn't want a job all that bad, but I kept telling myself that I did, and I was just holding out for the right one. Yeah right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt. Well before I start producing anal dwelling butt monkeys, I better get my act together, and do the responsible thing and go get myself a job. It's like I said before, I am not a victim of my circumstances, I have never felt that way. I made this bed, and now I have to lay in it. Sure the shrew could treat me better, but if I were in her shoes I honestly think I would be acting worse. How many of you could handle an out of work husband when all you have for a job is being a cashier in a grocery store that pays you maybe 8 bucks an hour? And then you have 5 kids to take care of to boot? Yeah I imagine your disposition would be just peachy. Sure. I know mine would not be. I would see me as a lazy good for nothing irresponsible douchebag and horrible father, and treat me as such, just like she is doing. I like to paint myself in a very positive light, and everyone buys into it, well at least to my face most of them do. But I am not stupid enough to think that behind my back they are not saying "what a lazy SOB".

I don't know, this whole thing is starting to sound very self deprecating, and I don't mean it that way, but the facts are facts. Anyone disagree? I think given all the evidence most would agree with me. Here's the deal. I am not a bad person for not having a job. I AM a bad person, or at least I am engaging in bad behavior, by not being more studious with my job hunting efforts. There, see, not so down on myself, just accepting reality. So while I could go on and on whining and complaining about how bad the shrew is to me, I am just going to accept that the universe has given me a heads up. Told me in no uncertain terms that I better get going and get myself ready to get a job, and go get it done. I felt this wakeup coming. I was aware of the energy poking at me, telling me something was about to happen. I realize now why I've been feeling that life had not returned to "normal". I am more aware of the energy around me, the volatility of life itself, and it has me unsettled. Not an easy feeling to explain, but nevertheless, it IS there. It is just a perception thing. I notice little things, stuff that I would have dismissed before as trivial or insignificant, but I know now that many of them are signs. My studies since I began my journey as a pagan have taught me that nothing is accidental, and even seemingly trivial things can forewarn of impending doom, or give hints as to action that needs to be taken, and I have chosen to pay attention.

Anyway the thing is, I need to get back in shape as it were, that walk hurt like hell, and it shouldn't have. I have been off of my feet for far too long now, and if I do in fact get a job soon I will need the ability to stand on my feet for extended periods, which I cannot do at the present moment. So you see, I am happy today that I got the message in whatever form it was delivered. I am now going to walk some distance daily, as I expect to get a phone call from the HR manager at Lowe's in a few days, and I would like to be able to have at least given myself a little bit of preparation by the time I start work should I get the call.

Well I think that's it for now. Thanks again for stopping by, I know I say that every time I post now, but I am genuinely thankful to anyone who darkens my doorstep here, it's nice to know someone cares enough to see how I'm doing. I'll talk to you soon!

Something different

Hello there everyone in blogland! Hope you are doing well this evening! I just realized that the date shows just above my posts, which I really like, but that negates the need for me to name my posts by the date or day of the week. So, before this one is over I'm sure I'll find a way to name this one something different.

Today has been a different sort of day, and by different I mean more routine, which is a blessing considering for the last month it has been pure chaos, as opposed to the cluttery unbridled chaos life usually is around here. I like things to be normal, but I really don't like things to be boring. I tend to get into ruts, doing the same thing over and over everyday, but I think I do it mainly because in this environment it gives me a sense of normalcy. I'm not sure if that's the reason, but I am sure I have no problem trying new things, or mixing things up a bit. Seems like I'm talking in two different directions, but that's me, I'm a man of extremes. I don't have a "happy medium" bone in my body. So I guess you could say I like to mix up my ruts, doing different ones at different times, and come up with new ones when the mood strikes.

Anyway I wanted to let anyone who hasn't seen yet to know that I posted Chapter 3 over on Journey of the Stag Warrior. It's been a long time coming, but I'm really pleased at how it turned out. I started that chronicle with the intent to write my experiences in a story-like fashion, and I have to say, it's really helping me to wring every ounce of creative juices I have out of my brain. Maybe one day I will have enough extracted to actually write a real novel, which has been a dream of mine for quite a few years now, ever since I first read my favorite series of books authored by Piers Anthony. He is primarily a fantasy novel author, and his series entitled "Incarnations of Immortality" really inspired me. My "Chapter" posts are written in the same style as his books in that series, as I really favor the third person approach. So maybe with doing more of it, and getting more practice, I will be able to come up with ideas, and more importantly, a storyline and details enough to fill a novel.

Ok well I need to go for now, have to go take my nephew to his boy scout meeting. Hope to meet with everyone again soon. Enjoy the rest of your night, and thanks for stopping by!

Monday 1/11

Today looks like one of those "I'm going to be left alone for the most part" days. I did have to get up and take all the kids to school, but I came back home and took a nap, which I am sorry I did now. I feel like I am just getting up and starting my day. I had been up, helping the kids get ready, had breakfast (chocolate Cheerios are the bomb by the way) and then drove all of them to school. This operation takes 3 different trips though with 2 different schools, and 3 different scheduled arrival times.

Anyway, now that I'm home alone, yes, wow, I can say that. Alone. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. So quiet.

Sunday night

Hello again folks, nice to see you. It's been one heck of a day, I don't even remember what I told everyone this morning, so if I repeat myself, I apologize.

I was feeling really restless this morning after I posted, actually it was more early afternoon. I wanted to get up and go outside and do something. I found that something when the women and 2 of the children got back from church. I went out to greet them, not because I was happy to see them mind you, but because I knew they had been to the grocery store, and there is this alarm bell that goes off in the in-law's head if I nor her husband come out immediately when the vehicle pulls up to help bring in the bags. It's one of the many "drop whatever I am doing, no matter how important it is, and help her" sort of things I have learned I "have" to do.

Anyway, I went out to help, and found a rather large sheet of ice on the driveway right where the truck was parked. See, we have been "dripping" our water pipes since this cold weather has been upon us, as none of the plumbing in our house is insulated, and of course we have all been through what happens when pipes freeze, so I don't have to tell you why we do it. The pipe that goes to our garden hose is the one that made the ice, and I felt it was high time I got rid of it. So, I spent a few minutes outside breaking up the ice with a sledgehammer, gently, and then shoveled it over into the yard. All in all it was a very good way to work out my restlessness.

Well I came inside after that, and almost immediately, my daughter's friend comes to our door asking me to replace the tire on her mother's car that I had put the spare on yesterday. Now something had to have been wrong with her spare, one of those donut ones, because as soon as I had put it on her car, and she went to back out of our driveway, the tire released all of its air and proceeded to come off the rim on the front side. Today she had purchased a new tire on the full size wheel that I had taken off yesterday ( it had cords showing, and a piece of the tire had begun to come apart) and I put it back on her car.

Let's see, what else. Oh I was still itching to be outside later in the afternoon, so I went in the back yard and just walked around a bit, just soaking in the outdoors, and nature. Well what nature there is in a back yard in a suburban type city I live in.

I ate dinner with the rest of the family which I don't do a lot, mostly because there just aren't enough seats at the table. Don't ask. We had homemade vegetable soup, which was good, and very warming. They had "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" on tv, and it was a good one, about a 12 year old that raises money for cancer patients, and she herself has an incurable immune system disease. Obviously an indigo child, or maybe crystal? Either way, a girl wise well beyond her years.

So, I spent some time outdoors today, which I desperately needed, and then when I came back inside there were a few things to do, and when I finally got back to the computer for more than 5 minutes, it was almost midnight. Oh and then the dishes, yeah, no one had done them yet, so of course it was time to do those. (Insert page from the shrew here). I don't know how I manage to contain myself sometimes with her, she is unbelievably unreasonable and uncompromising. But there is part of me that says it's me, and how I should look at it from her perspective. Maybe I'm being too selfish. Maybe it IS me, maybe I'm the one who should change my attitude. Could I be wrong in the way I think? IS everyone else right? What if I am a lazy bum?

All very valid questions. If I really DON'T pull my own weight, and DON'T have a job after 13 months, doesn't that make me a lazy person? I might just be kidding myself. Sure, I don't think I'm lazy, but how many people would be willing to admit that? I do spend much of my day on the computer, but I'm constantly getting up to do things I am asked to do. But maybe that's it. I'm being asked (and sometimes flat out told) to do things around the house, when in fact, I should probably do more of those things WITHOUT being asked. So maybe it's me. I am the one with the problem. I try to do things sometimes, but then I run into another problem. Getting harassed because the "thing" wasn't done "right". What's the point in trying if what I do is constantly criticized and I am berated for doing things wrong, or my personal favorite, in their timeframe. Oh yes, certain things apparently MUST be done exactly when they (and when I say they I mean the women of the household) say they must be done. Stuff that in most people's minds doesn't have a regularly allotted time to be done, just needs to happen at some point during the day. For instance, say the kitchen floor needs sweeping. Is there a certain time of day that a floor MUST be swept by? Not in my opinion. But gods forbid if it isn't done within oh an hour or so of the in-law noticing it needed it. Sorry, if you wanted it done that bad, then maybe you should have done it yourself, instead of taking the time to sit and watch to see how long it would take for someone else to do it. Just so you can bitch later that no one "bothered" to do it. Good one, let me see, yeah, looks like you didn't "bother" to do it either.

Ok I think that's enough of that for one day. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I can find a job, so I can get away for a few hours of the day, I think that alone would help tremendously. Thanks for stopping by, and talk to you again real soon!

Sunday

Well, here I am again. It's funny how easy it is to write often, once I got up the gumption to do it.

I woke up to the sounds of children and adults getting ready for church, as they do every Sunday, and of course this requires "outside" voices which wake up everyone else in the house. I checked out my email, and Facebook, and then got myself a donut. A plain cake donut, my favorite. Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post, thank you for listening. It's again freezing outside, and for some reason, when they redid this house right before we moved into it, they decided that carpet in ANY room was not an option, so ALL the floors are freezing. The heat is going constantly, but does it make the floors warm? No. So I have to wear socks all the time, and most of the time shoes, because I just can't stand for my feet to be cold. Sucks. The in-laws. What were they thinking? I don't know. To each his own I guess.

It's gonna be another chaotic day I'm sure, once they get back from church. So many kids, so many adults who just have to have things their way and in their timeframe. I am just along for the ride, with my voice not being heard. It's frustrating to have a lot to offer, and to be ignored, or worse still, to be treated like one of the children. But, get a job, and I'll be gods gift to the world. That's just pathetic and sad. I refuse to allow my situation to determine my self worth, or let others dictate to me what "I" am.

But I'm not going to go on and on about that. Too damned depressing. Maybe I'll just go on about my internet business, take care of the kids, you know, normal day for me. I'll probably check in later today, and add some details about my day, so far nothing is happening. Funny how that coincides with the absence of the female adults. A phenomenon that may require further investigation.

Anyhow, I'll be here later, hope you'll join me, nice talking to you again.

What a difference a day makes

This day started out ok, pretty normal. But then tonight, I get bitched at for being a bum and not doing enough around the house. Have I mentioned this before? No? Yes? Anyhow, it's not something I mention a lot, the way I get treated around here. Constantly asked to do things, things that can be done without my intervention. Ok, so I spend a lot of time on the computer. Does that mean I don't deserve respect as a human being? Just because I don't have a job, does that make me a lazy bum?

I have tried to explain that I have applied for jobs, but no one has called back. Of course the next question is, "have you called them back?" To which I must reply "No", because I haven't. That part I give them. I guess my effort to pursue gainful employment could be better. I imagine if I had lived in someone else's house for over a year and had brought in very little money (I have done a few computer builds and made a little money) then I suppose I would be considered a lazy bum too. One who doesn't want to work.

I have been horrible in the past. I had a drinking problem and lost 2 jobs because of it. But that was in the past, 4 years ago now. That doesn't mean that it will happen again. I don't live in the past, that's already gone. So much I have done wrong, or screwed up. But so what? That doesn't mean I will do it again. I might just do things right this time. If you don't want to be with me when I finally DO catch a break and have things go my way, don't come to me afterwards looking to reconcile, because then it will be too late. I quit drinking daily 9 months ago, so how does that make it where I will screw this up too?

I told everyone in blogland that this would be different, and I meant it. I am tired. Tired of having a blog that I write in without saying what I really want to say. So here it is folks. Me as I am. I am so different now than I was when all that stuff happened, I don't smoke, I rarely drink, and I have found the spiritual path I had been looking for my entire life. If I could only tell you what I was, the way I used to be, most would think the labels were accurate. I'm just a normal person like all of you. Not special. Ok, so I have the ability to put words to paper in a reasonably legible pattern. Makes me seem to be more than I am at times. Made me seem like a victim of circumstance. I assure you all of my issues are of my own doing. Having said that, it still does not excuse the other adults in the house behaving like I have no opinion, and if by some chance I am allowed one, that it is of course wrong. No one should have to deal with that, no one.

I called my first blog Rayden's Rants, and it was because I wanted to rant and rave about anything and everything. Everyone that read it seemed to like it. Especially when I wrote my "random" posts. What I never really did was talk about everyday stuff, just write down my thoughts. You know what I did today? I tweeted. I said, "I am sitting on the couch, tweeting." Pretty simple. It was what I was doing at the time. That IS what a status update is for isn't it? This is what I always wanted to do. Just sit here and talk. I have to get this stuff out. No one around here wants to hear it, they have enough of their own problems. That must be it, because any time I try to talk to anyone, all I get is statements of how everything under the sun is wrong, and it MUST be my fault because I don't have a job. So I talk to you, my oh so gracious followers. I have known quite a few of you for some time now, and it's nice to know I have friends who I can talk to, if I would just go ahead and speak. I never really thought of it like this before, and even though several of you have come right out and said it, I never got the idea that anyone else cared.

I have been concerned about making a post with a "message", or writing one that makes people laugh. What I should have been doing was treating my blog more like a diary, one that only I read. Because then I would really say what I feel, not what I thought others wanted to hear. I think I just had a breakthrough. Sometimes it takes many months of careful prodding, and other times it takes one big shove to make a breakthrough, and usually, there is a friend who is doing the prodding and shoving. This time is no different, and she knows who she is. She has been prodding me for months to do just this, to just talk, to write what I feel. Thanks for your patience, maybe it has finally paid off.

If I have one thing to say tonight, it's that I am just plain sad. I hurt. It's not often I feel like this, but I just can't make any headway with these people, and one of them is my wife. I did all the compromising in our relationship for so many years, and I'm not doing it anymore. I want to be happy too, and I deserve to be. It just hurts me to know I didn't recognize that in the beginning, and now my daughters will not have the life I had hoped they could. Two happily married parents. They don't deserve to have a life with us fighting all the time either, so maybe it's for the best. But what makes me sad is that I my voice isn't heard, my opinion is not given a chance, and I know if I had a chance, I could really be successful. But I guess it's not meant to happen. We were never compatible to begin with. All this time seems wasted, 20 years of my life just about, but then, I think about what I have learned, where I am now, and I realize that it happened just as it should.

They say hindsight is 20/20. I hate that cliche. I don't want to look back. I want to see what's ahead. The past is gone, never to come again, and can't be changed, so why can't tomorrow be completely different than today? Just because things happened before doesn't mean they'll happen again. I wish everyone could see that. Being pagan now I feel a link more to the here and now, the energy of what is right here in front of me, the people, the events, my own body, which is part of the earth, and the universe. Deities I "knew" in the past were always distant, unreachable constructs of the pages of a book, above me, judging me, but never really "with" me. My deities now I feel are part of me, part of everything around me, I feel them in me. The way my very flesh is constructed is not just in the gods image, it is part of him, a vessel in which he resides, and my mind is very much the same, and he is accompanied by the goddess. They are both a part of who I am, what I am, and this knowledge, along with the sensations of their presence gives me a sense of self worth that I can only describe as reverence. There is no one on this planet that should be denied this feeling, for we are all part of it(the planet), and the energy of nature itself is stored in our cells. How we perceive this energy is an individual sensation, and no one's perceptions should be considered wrong. My gods may not be your gods, but I believe we are all feeling the same energy. It is us, and we are it.

Wow this one went on really long, and I'm glad. Feels good to just talk. I could go on, but it's getting late/early, and I really need to get some sleep.

Days of chaos

I woke up at 10:42 this morning, to the sounds of chaos. Nothing new in this household, with 5 kids and 4 adults. The sounds of Hinder in my head (the song Bliss (I don't want to know)), every morning it seems I awake with one song or another playing in my head. The song's title is just as you see it there, with the parentheses around the "I don't want to know" part, and for the greater part of the song, that's what he's saying. There's the part that repeats over and over, "I don't want to know it's over, so save your goodbye kiss, I don't want to know it's over, 'cause ignorance is bliss...". I like the way he says that, or maybe how it goes well with the melody they picked, I don't really know, but it's playing on the radio station in my head.

Anyway I decided right away to get up and start a post, before I really got into doing anything else, and fortuitously, the other adults decided to go to the grocery store, so I am here alone with the kids. They are all doing their own thing, playing, watching tv, or whatever, so for the moment, I am in relative solitude. Normally I get up and crank up my laptop and go directly to my Yahoo messenger to see if my best friend is online and start chatting with her, but I decided this time to go ahead and write first. See, without the other adults around, the kids are out of their "hey gimme attention" mode, so it really is the best time to write. Plus, I told myself that I would write, no matter what. And I really want to do it too. So it wasn't too hard to convince myself.

Lots of things in my life are out of my control, like most people's. The thing that is different is me. How I decide to react. My life is not so bad. I have a roof over my head, most of the time food in my mouth, well ok if you call store bought prepackaged nukable stuff food. Not talking tv dinner here, just those "hey look, 10 minute prep" stuff. Still not adequate in the nutrition department. Other times it's BBQ chicken. Take defrosted chicken breasts or leg quarters, slather them in the BBQ sauce of your choice, and stick them in the oven for an hour. Real original. But I can't complain about it, if I want better, I should make it myself. I'm not much better in the cooking department, but I'm working on learning.

It began some time ago when I realized that in 38 years of life, I have never lived on my own. Never had my own place, never had only myself to depend on for my daily needs. You know, food, clean clothes, waking up on time, that sort of stuff. Never had to do that all completely on my own. That is a sobering thought. And a very exciting one. I think I would like the single life. And yet, I wouldn't. Too used to all the chaos. I abhor chaos, but when something is always there, in your life, and then suddenly it is gone, you tend to miss it. Even when that something is something you hate. Funny how that works. I guess I'll see what happens. I'm sure I'll be fat, dumb, and happy.

Right now I am very optimistic about the way things are going. The reason? I just feel it. Things are turning the proverbial corner. Sure there are problems, but aren't there always? On second thought, maybe what turned the corner was me, and the way I feel about things. I've been through this before. It's a cycle of highs and lows. One day I'll be all "woe is me", and the next day I will be all optimistic about my life and what the future holds. Everyone does it. Even the people who claim not to be emotional. All of us have the same feelings. It is just in how we choose to show them that is different. So I guess, all things considered, I'm pretty normal. I'll go through life dealing with each day as it comes, doing what I need to do to. And maybe that is all there is to it.

Oh and the chaos? Yeah it's still here. But everyone has SOME kind of chaos. Even if it's only in their mind.

Hello, and welcome to my mind..........

This is my new blog I intend to use much like Rayden's Rants was, as a place for me to put whatever thoughts and opinions come to mind.

My thoughts and opinions at the moment are that I am relieved I finally got around to starting this new blog. My Journey of the Stag Warrior blog will now be only the chapters I write about my journey, while this blog will be a hodgepodge of everything else. I'm not holding anything back, I'm writing anything and everything this time. I have been so horrible about posting because I am not happy about how things will sound, or how they will be received, and blogging is just not about that. I have said in the past that I would write, that I'd write everything, no holds barred. But what did I do? Just go right on doing the same thing. Not writing.

Not this time folks. So buckle up and hang on for the ride. Some days the ride will be smooth, some days rough. But I promise you, it WILL be a ride. In other words, it will not just sit here. The Stag Warrior does not Stagnate.

It would be nice too if I could get something done on the computer without constant and continuous interruptions, but such is my life at the present moment. So if my posts don't seem to be coherent, so be it.

Anyway, here it is, my new blog. Kinda echoey in here, I'll be padding it soon.